Tag: freewriting

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it’s because I was under too many covers. Or maybe it’s because I had that Starbucks latte a little too late in the afternoon (caffeine messes up my sleep schedule). I had a weird dream that some college kids crashed this girl’s house and were making a mess, and these two tall college kids were going to fight each other, but then I screamed “HEY!” and everyone fell silent. Then I silently picked up the Coke cans and other things they left strewn around the house, and surprisingly, all of the kids at the party started helping me clean up the house. They put up dishes, they vacuumed, they took out the trash, and by the next day, the house was clean and the parents of the girl acted like nothing ever happened and said good-bye with cheerful smiles to all of the guests. I think it was better than the dream I had the night before. I was trying to convince my dad to not watch the movie Jigsaw because it was late at night (my dad convinced me that he is very much NOT interested in seeing that movie). I think it’s because I’ve been doing this weird thing where I try to numb myself against unpleasant emotions, so I will do things like watch reaction videos to slasher or horror movies from channels like Struggle Nation, Draven Mayberry and GortheMovieGod. I was feeling bored, and even though I normally like boredom, being on my smartphone makes it hard for me to enjoy being bored and alone with my thoughts because I am always distracting myself. And it’s funny because I don’t even actually watch the scary movies that these guys review. I place my hand above the square where they are watching the trailer so that I don’t have to be the one to deal with all the jump scares and gruesome special effects. I watched a couple of reactions to this upcoming slasher movie called Ice Cream Man, which is about a man who gives children ice cream that turns them into these murderers who kill a bunch of adults in the neighborhood. Even though I knew deep down that watching these reaction videos wasn’t a good idea and would make me sick to my stomach, I did it anyway. It was kind of like that famous study where people administered electrical shocks to themselves because they did not want to sit alone with their thoughts in boredom. Even though I had my hand placed over the area where the YouTuber showed the trailer so that the viewer could see it and react to it, too, I still heard the gruesome sound effects and the creepy dialogue and screams. At some point, I had to ask myself why I wanted to watch people react to these very violent and disturbing movie trailers. Because watching Draven Mayberry being sickened by the red band Ice Cream Man trailer actually did not make me feel good either. I was not entertained. I really was doing all of this just for the dopamine rush. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that rewards you doing pleasurable behaviors, so to get that reward you have to keep doing the behavior, even if that behavior doesn’t serve you well in the long run and is just a short-term fix for a longer-term more major problem. I was dealing with a lot of other personal issues like figuring out my career and anxiety about my future and the future of the world that I wanted to distract myself. However, I have realized that watching (or in my case, listening with closed eyes) horror movie trailers does not make me excited at all. I don’t get that rush of adrenaline. In fact, being in movie theaters and having to sit through the red band previews for horror movies like The Monkey was a miserable experience. I didn’t enjoy hearing people’s throats getting slashed, or people screaming in pain as their limbs get cut off. Thirty minutes would pass and I would think, Wow, I just watched all these reaction videos and I have nothing to show for it. What a waste of time. I had the dream about trying to convince my dad to not watch Jigsaw before bed because I was in the employee bathroom at work, dealing with stress, and I brought my smartphone in the bathroom with me (gross, I know. I’m trying to curb the habit, I really am.) I watched Struggle Nation’s reaction to the movie Jigsaw, without actually watching the trailer myself (like I said, it’s this weird thing where I want to watch the person’s expressions as they watch the trailer, not watch the trailer myself. Because I am too chicken to do that.) I watched the YouTubers’ grossed out expressions and after a while thought, Why am I consuming this content? I have to draw a line. When I went to see an R-rated feature (I think it was a comedy) the trailer for Until Dawn played, and unlike watching a movie at home where you can skip the trailer and go straight to the disc menu or control the volume on your TV or laptop, you cannot mute a preview playing in the movie theater. After trying to sit through the Until Dawn trailer with my eyes closed, my heart started racing and as I heard the characters panic and scream as they died in gruesome ways (again, I am too chicken to watch, but I would hear the sound effects of these characters being slaughtered) I excused myself and went into the restroom to calm my panic. I think I just have to accept that I will never enjoy movies with gratuitous amounts of blood.