Movie Review: TAR

I heard so much about this movie, and as a classical cellist I really wanted to see this movie, especially because it is about a female conductor and I haven’t seen many movies like that. Cate Blanchett acted the hell out of her role, and I could not help but bob my head to all of the pieces that Lydia Tar conducted. I especially loved it when Olga played the Elgar Cello Concerto in E Minor since that is one of my favorite pieces, and loved it when Tar conducted “Adagietto” from Symphony No. 5 by Gustav Mahler. I remember playing it in high school during my last year and it was really special to play that movement because it is so powerful and gives me goosebumps. It literally tugs at my heartstrings each time I hear it.

The film brings to light a lot of the issues in the classical music world. It takes place in the present day and writer Adam Gopnik is interviewing Lydia Tar, a well-renowned conductor of a major orchestra in Berlin. She has all these accomplishments and runs a tight ship, but things get messy when allegations come out against Lydia after Krista Taylor, one of the participants in the program she runs for aspiring female conductors, commits suicide. Lydia alternates between New York City and Germany, where she lives with her wife Sharon and their daughter, Petra. Tar is a perfectionist and sets these incredibly high standards for success and this drives her to alienate the people around her, most of all her wife. When a young cellist named Olga auditions for the orchestra, Tar is immediately entranced and finds herself feeling attracted to the cellist. This puts a strain on her relationship with Sharon because Sharon sees Lydia’s growing attraction to Olga, and with the growing allegations against Lydia, Sharon and Francesca distance themselves from her.

There is a scene in the movie where Tar is giving Olga a ride back to her place, and Olga shows her a small teddy bear that she keeps with her. It is adorable, and Olga accidentally leaves it in Tar’s car. Tar finds Olga forgot the bear and she goes through the entranceway, which is really just a maze of graffitied buildings, and looks all over for Olga but cannot find her. If I were her, I would be so freaked out to be in that isolated area all by myself, especially because there is a rather vicious looking dog that is staring straight at Tar and Tar keeps running through the series of buildings looking for Olga but cannot find her. Then she finally finds her way back to her car, but on the way out of the entrance she trips on the hard concrete steps and falls flat on her face, which leaves her with some pretty nasty cuts and bruises to her body. She comes to rehearsal the next day and everyone is quietly aghast, but no one wants to be that person who says aloud, “What happened to you?” Tar sees their horrified looks and chuckles to herself in her Tar way, and tells them with a frustrated expression what happened. She doesn’t mention she was trying to find Olga, and instead afterwards gives Olga her bear. Olga probably didn’t want Lydia to find where she lived.

Another key scene occurs earlier in the movie. Francesca doesn’t want Lydia to find out that she had been corresponding via email to Krista before Krista’s suicide, and so Lydia asks Francesca to fetch her a cup of matcha tea. Francesca reluctantly goes, and when she leaves the room, Lydia sneaks over to Francesca’s laptop and looks in her email inbox and finds that Francesca never deleted her correspondence with Krista, even though she was instructed to end correspondence with her and delete the emails. When Francesca comes back, Lydia doesn’t mention she was snooping in her email inbox and asks her about whether she got rid of the emails between her and Krista.

This film also touches on the growing awareness of how white classical music canon is, and how to navigate these spaces as people of color. During a master class at Julliard, Lydia talks about the genius of Bach and one of the students, Max, says as a pangender person of color they don’t see themselves represented in the music they are working on because all of the composers are white cis-gendered men. Lydia gets offended by this, and asks the student why they are even in the master class to begin with. She humiliates the student in front of their peers, and even though Max listens to her berate them, they finally gathers their things and leaves and cusses her out. She tells Max if they wants to dance the mask, they must service the composer and also sublimate their ego and their identity. On the one hand, I understand she was trying to get the student to understand that as a conductor they is going to be subject to a lot of criticism and critics won’t care that they wants more diversity of composers, and that even though the composers are white, they can still find expression in the music. In fact, she tells they that they needs to focus on the music rather than the lack of diversity of the composers whose music they are playing.

However, I can also see it from the student’s perspective. In 2020 with the killings of George Floyd and other Black people in America and around the world, and the global reckoning with centuries of systemic racism, genocide, and colonialism, the world of classical music came under fire for its racist past. When I had an Instagram account in 2020 I followed found a lot of posts detailing BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) classical musicians’ experiences with microaggressions and racist insults while working in the field of classical music. I can’t lump together everyone’s experiences with racism, but it’s fair to say that there have been quite a few instances of racism that people of color have faced in classical music. For example, historically operas have featured white singers in blackface and yellowface, and it wasn’t until I went on social media that I started hearing more people discuss how problematic this tradition has been for many years. While I saw Madame Butterfly in the tenth grade thinking it was okay that a white opera singer put on yellowface, I am more aware that this is not okay. I became especially more aware of this when I read a story in one of the newspapers about a famous European opera singer who put on blackface for her role in an opera called “Aida” and how she faced a ton of backlash because more people had become aware that blackface is not okay even if that’s how people have done the role for years. The movie doesn’t take a side in whether Max or Lydia was right in how they approached race and identity in classical music, but it did make me just think about the ongoing conversations around how orchestras are addressing diversity and race.

I’m also ambivalent about Tar’s statement that to serve the composer, one needs to sublimate their identity. On one hand, the music is there and people need to play it and go home, so there’s the job of conducting that needs to get done. But also, as the film continues, Lydia literally loses her sense of self when she achieves all this success as a conductor, and she gets to the point where her work and getting ahead of everyone else is the only thing that matters in life. She doesn’t sublimate her ego; instead, over the course of the movie, she manipulates people, puts people down and also suffers inside because she feels everyone is against her and she is also incredibly frustrated that no one is living up to her extreme expectations. As a perfectionist myself, I can relate in the sense that a lot of times when playing the music my ego would get so wrapped up in winning the audition or trying to prove the people around me wrong that I ended up suffering deeply as a result because I was so wrapped up in my own self that I couldn’t embrace anything less than failure. I think that’s why having a spiritual practice like Buddhism helped because it was a reminder that yes, working hard is important, but everyone is working hard, not just me, and that yes, I need to work hard for my dreams but I also need to appreciate the people in my life and not treat them like my personal servants to my art and ego. One time, in 2016, I auditioned for a professional orchestra. I was coming straight out of college and didn’t even have a music degree, but I thought, If I just practice, practice, practice, then I will win. But I became so focused on winning the audition that I burned out and started neglecting the things in my daily life I needed to take care of, like cleaning my room, doing dishes, vacuuming. I would practice for three hours straight and not take breaks, and I would get easily frustrated every time I made a mistake and use that as an excuse to beat myself up. So it’s no wonder that on the day of the audition, I had no energy to even get out of bed because I had just run myself ragged by cramming in so much music at one time. Wrapping up my ego in my dreams also affected how I viewed work in general. I felt that having a day job wasn’t like having a music dream job, and that if I just ran away to New York City to chase my dreams and perform with a prestigious orchestra and make lots of money I would finally be happy. But when I didn’t meet those expectations I set for myself, I literally lost it. I threw tantrums at work and at home, I got easily upset at the littlest things (I’m still working on changing that behavior to be honest), and if it didn’t have to do with my music career, I didn’t care. But I realized that in doing so, I was blocking out the people in my life who mattered, the people in my life who kept me down to earth. I had to understand over time, too, that even if I have a successful music career, in any field you work in, you have to work together with people, and some people you may get along with well, and others not so much. I can be successful but if I’m only focused on serving my own ego, I can’t expand my capacity as a musician because I have so much to learn from different perspectives. In reality, having a music career involves not just being talented at playing your instrument, but also being good at teamwork since I’m going to play music in many ensembles with people. I don’t know what it’s like for people who play in professional orchestras or conduct professionally, but it definitely seems that like anywhere else, you have to work well with other people and can’t just focus on yourself.

Movie Review: The Banshees of Inishirin

Written on March 10, 2023

Content warning: self-mutilation, violence

So today I wanted to watch The Banshees of Inishirin because I am still trying to watch as many of the Oscar nominees as I can before Sunday. Honestly I forgot how much I love escaping into movies until I started watching all these films during Oscars weekend. In the previous years I saw maybe one or two movies out of all the nominees, and last year I had only seen The Power of the Dog and Drive My Car. I am a little more caught up on the movies for this ceremony than I am from last year, although I probably won’t be able to watch them all before Sunday. But today I decided to rent The Banshees of Inishirin because it got a really high Rotten Tomatoes rating and a lot of nominations, so I wanted to know what all the buzz was about. And it ended up being quite a deep movie, and it was the same feeling I got after watching The Lobster or The Lighthouse, which both left me with intense chills. I saw Colin Farrell’s* other movie called The Lobster, and other films where he plays supporting roles in Roman J. Israel, Esq. and Widows (*I almost put Colin Firth lol, I’m getting my last names mixed up. I always confuse Colin Farrell and Colin Firth the two since their first names are both Colin and their last names start with F. Why I always confuse the two actors’ names, I have no idea.) He plays the main character in The Banshees of Inishirin, which takes place in a coastal village in Ireland during the 1920s. The main character, Padraic Suilleabhain, lives with his sister Siobhan and he is pretty content with his friendships, until his longtime friend, Colm, gives him the cold shoulder and tells him to not speak to him anymore. Padraic is wondering why the hell Colm won’t talk to him anymore, and when he tries to engage Colm in conversation Colm keeping ignoring him or avoiding him. He then threatens Padraic in the wildest way: if Padraic doesn’t leave him alone, Colm will cut off his fingers. Literally. Not a metaphorical “ugh, I hate you, I’m just going to cut my fingers off. Haha jk,” no. Literally he is going to slice the fingers off of his hands. Which stinks because he plays the fiddle and loves playing music, so if his friend keeps bugging him he won’t get to play violin anymore. Siobhan and the other villagers (this being a small town, gossip travels verrrrry quickly) tell him to leave Colm alone, but Padraic doesn’t listen because he (and I) couldn’t understand why Colm wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore.

This film does imply that Colm might have been struggling with depression, even though at the time there wasn’t any super advanced DSM-5 book detailing depression symptoms, no Better Help, no therapy other than the local priest. Colm visits the local priest several times for confession, and admits he is struggling with despair, which is probably the best word they could call depression at the time. He still doesn’t think Padraic can understand what he is going through though, even though we clearly see throughout the film how Padraic feels even lonelier and more isolated when Colm continues to ostracize him. Siobhan gets fed up at one point with Colm cutting off his fingers every time Padraic tries to talk with him and she is like, “Well fuck this nonsense. I can’t deal. I’m heading to the mainland,” so she leaves, leaving Padraic and the animals. To go off on a tangent, those farm animals earned their own Oscar nominations because they navigated this bleak storyline with the utmost calm. Unfortunately Jenny the miniature donkey wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony with Sammy, Colm’s dog, and Minnie the Pony because Colm accidentally murders her when she eats one of his cut off fingers, chokes on it and dies (that scene left me quite sad, almost as sad as the opening scene of The Lobster where the lady at the beginning shoots a donkey dead.)

This film explores the price of loneliness and friendship and whether it’s really worth continuing friendships if the other person is no longer interested. Of course, I couldn’t blame any of the characters in the movie. It’s the 1920s and there was no social media, so you had to talk with people face to face. Padraic just wants acceptance from people, and so he asks people like Dominic and Siobhan if he is really as boring as people say he is, and they have to reassure him that he is ok. Sometimes I find myself often dealing with these kinds of insecurities in my own friendships. Back then, you just asked someone, “Do you think I’m boring?” and now the idea of a friend has changed a lot since Facebook defined what friendship is. If you don’t like someone you can “unfriend” or “unfollow” them (that’s probably why there was a movie called Unfriended. Probably too chicken to watch it, but again I’m digressing) and probably not have to see the person again, unless that person is a coworker or relative (or worse, your kids.) But Colm and Padraic couldn’t just leave each other, and there were no cell phones at the time so you couldn’t be at the pub pretending to be on your phone and avoid talking to someone you didn’t like. Padraic often finds Colm playing his violin at the pub with other musicians or writing music, a piece called “The Banshees of Inishirin.” He really wants Colm to stop ignoring him, but Colm won’t let Padraic talk to him. We never actually find out what Padraic did to make Colm not talk to him, but all we know is that the situation just keeps getting more and more stressful.

When I saw this movie, I thought about an article I read in The New York Times Sunday magazine in a segment called The Ethicist, and there were two inquiries related to loneliness and friendship. In the first, the person asking the question says they have an older person who keeps wanting to talk with them, who is deeply lonely and may or may not struggle with untreated depression, and the person was wondering if they should still be friends since they have their own busy life to deal with. The other person asking a question asked about someone who they consider to be good friends, but the other person doesn’t respond to their messages or invite them to things. The Ethicist columnist concluded that the person might want to accept the fact that this coworker might just be an acquaintance at this point. This is how I felt for many years, and so I wondered for a long time, Which people should I consider acquaintances and which people should I consider friends? And, Am I too clingy as a friend? When is it time to show up and when should I back off? A lot of my insecurities have come up with my friendships and navigating them has been challenging, but I’m just chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo for the happiness of my friends.

Dominic latches onto Siobhan and Padraic at first, and then Siobhan rejects Dominic when Dominic tells her he loves her and wants to know if she would fall in love with him. Then there is a scene where Padraic finds Colm talking at the brewery with Declan, another musician, and he wonders, Why does he laugh and talk with this guy and yet completely ostracize me? He catches up with Declan, and while riding on his cart, Padraic lies to Declan and tells him that he heard his dad got run over by a bread van and that he should leave to go find his dad and take care of him. Declan falls for this and leaves, and later Padraic and Dominic are sitting and talking and Padraic jokes about what he told Declan about his dad, and Dominic gets upset and tells Padraic that he used to like him, but that now he is mean, and he leaves Padraic alone. It reminded me of one time in the seventh grade, when I was really insecure. I often partook in gossiping about my classmates and saying negative things about them that weren’t true because I just felt that would get people to like me better, and I was talking on the phone with one of my friends and she started gossiping and then I gossiped even more, and she cut me off and was so surprised and said, “You’re gossiping about all these people!” At the time I didn’t care because I was just so hateful and cynical about everyone, but looking back she was getting me to stop and reflect because I was saying hurtful things about people (and unfortunately saying many hurtful things about myself at the same time.) When I gossiped, eventually all those people I gossiped with moved on and we were no longer friends.

Movie Review: The Fabelmans

I am gearing up for the Oscars Awards on Sunday and so I am watching some of the movies to prepare for the award show. It seemed so far away but I honestly cannot believe it is coming up this Sunday already. Time flies.

Yesterday I watched a wonderful movie called The Fabelmans. I had heard so much about it and I remember watching Steven Spielberg’s speech on the movie at the Golden Globes and how moving it was. I saw the trailer and it looked really good, so I decided to watch it. I have seen a few Steven Spielberg movies, but most of them are his recent ones (I had to go on his Wikipedia page to read about his filmography) such as the remake of West Side Story, Bridge of Spies, Lincoln, and The Post but I haven’t seen Jurassic Park, E.T. or his older films. But watching this movie, The Fabelmans, gave me a deeper appreciation for the work he has done in film and the magic of film in general. It actually served as a reminder why I love movies so much. As a kid I was always watching movies. Maybe not PG-13 or R rated films but still my family and I were always going to the movie theaters and even during the pandemic I watched so many movies (T.G.F.S., Thank Goodness for Streaming). For the past few years after seeing so many movies and writing about them, I have become more interested in the behind-the-scenes process of filmmaking. I used to focus on just the acting and the storyline, but when I made time after the film to sit and watch the end credits roll, I began to gradually appreciate how many people work behind the scenes before, during and after the film’s production. I began to read more about cinematography, film scoring, makeup and costumes. I used to only pay attention to the cast members of the movie, but there is so much that goes into making a film, and The Fabelmans showed me that.

For those who haven’t seen the film, it is a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age movie based on Spielberg’s life. The movie opens up in the 1950s, in New Jersey, and Sammy Fabelman is out with his parents Mitzi and Burt and his sibilings to see a movie called The Greatest Show on Earth. Even though Sammy is young, he is deeply fascinated with the movie, even though it shows a lot of violent upsetting scenes (for the 1950s, it was tame compared to 90 percent of the stuff today) where people get killed by trains and the trains derail and explode. Unlike his siblings, though, the movie stays with Sammy, and when his parents get him a train set he recreates the movie using the train set and a camera that his mom uses to record the movie. He spends so much time recreating the movie, and his parents see his early passion for film blossoming. Meanwhile, his parents have to deal with their marriage falling apart and Mitzi’s mental health suffers after the death of her mother. As Sammy grows up, he faces more challenges, including his dad not taking his filmmaking seriously, his parents’ crumbling marriage, and anti-Semitism at school. Sammy and his siblings are the only Jewish students at their school and Sammy faces a ton of anti-Semitism from the school jocks. However, Sammy has a passion for film and so he uses his passion for film to escape the pain of growing up and his family troubles. He meets a Christian girl named Monica who really likes him and tries to get him to become a Christian, but they end up parting ways after he proposes they marry and move to Los Angeles (she is going to Texas A & M). Even though they didn’t end up together, I think they needed to go their separate paths because Sammy really wanted to make movies and I don’t know if he could have compromised his dreams. Monica also didn’t want to compromise her dreams of going to college in Texas.

There was a pretty poignant moment during the prom after Monica rejects Sammy’s proposal to marry her. Logan, the school jock who bullied him, ends up confronting Sammy in the hallway, because the film Sammy made portrayed him as being this tanned perfect hero when deep down inside he doesn’t feel like that at all. He confesses to Sammy that he feels less than and feels embarrassed that Sam made him look like that in the movie because he struggles with incredibly low self-worth. Even though Sammy and Logan don’t end up friends, it was still telling that Logan was so vulnerable with Sam about his low self-worth and how even though he is popular, he is still insecure. Reading Brene Brown’s books on vulnerability and shame helped me appreciate this scene because it showed me that even though Logan picked on Sammy, he was probably grappling with a lot of his own hurt and pain, but since there were probably few to no positive mentors or mental health discussions back in the 1960s, the kids were taught they had to just deal with their pain by internalizing it and not talking about it to a trusted adult. I’m glad Spielberg showed this because kids, especially young men, aren’t just randomly cruel; they’re taught to be cruel by societal expectations.

Another really powerful scene is when Sammy meets John Ford, a famous film director, at the end of the movie. He is really nervous because he loves films and he is going to meet this guy and this guy is going to encourage him, but the director gives him very short but blunt advice and tells him to look at these paintings around the room. I think what this movie reminded me of is this letter I read in The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin called “The Eight Winds,” which explains the concept of the eight winds, which are influences that people can easily be swayed by. The four favorable winds are prosperity, pleasure, praise and honor, while the four adverse winds are decline, disgrace, censure and suffering. In an earlier scene, Sammy’s great-uncle Boris, who used to be a lion tamer and also worked on films, visits the Fabelmans’ house. He talks with Sammy about his time working in entertainment and sees Sam’s movie equipment, and that Sammy is editing some movie footage he shot during him and his family’s camping trip. Sammy’s father urges him to make the movie about the camping trip, but Sam says he is shooting a movie with his friends and doesn’t have time, but Burt tells him to do it for his mom, especially because her mom just passed away. It takes Boris to finally convince Sammy to make the movie. Boris tells him that if he wants to make art, he should really start with where he is at, which is with the camping trip footage. It’s a very down-to-earth exchange and it reminded me that when making art it’s okay to have big ideas but you need to start with what you’ve got instead of focusing on becoming big and famous because success is not an overnight thing and it can’t come at the expense of daily life. Sammy wanted to escape into his filmmaking, but he also had to deal with daily life and couldn’t run away from his family or the struggles of daily life, so it’s like Boris was telling him that yes, he should keep making art, but to understand that it is going to be a long-term struggle and he can’t expect immediate success.

Throughout the film, Sammy meets people who serve as protective functions for his filmmaking career each time he wants to give up. Bennie, who is the Fabelmans’ family friend, has an affair with Mitzi, and Sammy finds this out while he is making the movie about the camping trip. It leaves a bad taste in his mouth and the family moves from Arizona to California, leaving Bennie behind, but Bennie buys Sammy a film camera at the electronics and film store and at first Sammy doesn’t want Bennie’s gift because he had an affair with Sam’s mom and that really tore their family apart, but Bennie insists that Sam not give up on filmmaking even if it’s his hobby for a while. Sammy tries to give Bennie cash to pay for the film camera but Bennie tells him to keep the change, and so Sammy has no choice but to keep making movies. Even his girlfriend, Monica, encourages him to make a movie for Ditch Day at school and tells him that her father has an Arriflex camera he can use to shoot the movie. Sammy gets angry with everyone at the table because while Monica encourages him, Burt thinks it’s just a hobby and that Sammy should be getting more serious about his future. Sammy wants everyone to just drop the subject of him making a movie, but it’s like he has no choice but to keep going with filmmaking because deep down it’s what he loves to do. He ends up making the movie with the help of other people, and adds special effects such as using vanilla ice cream to look like bird poop is dropping on the faces of students sun-tanning on the beach. The film ends up being a hit and it’s when Sammy realizes once again that this is his passion and what he loves to do. It was a personal reminder to me to keep making music and writing even if I do it as a hobby for a while. It reminded me that no one ever just starts out “great” and “successful” and for many people their art is their hobby before they make a full-time career out of it. Many people in my life have told me to keep going and not give up in playing music and writing, and I’m deeply appreciative, even at times when I wanted to give up or felt ashamed to tell them whenever I didn’t ace an audition or got a rejection email for an opportunity. Sammy’s journey as a filmmaker was encouraging because it showed me that the most important thing is to just keep making art whether people like it or not. Even if you have day jobs, keep making art. Even if the people in your life praise you for it, keep making art, don’t get complacent. Even if the people in your life don’t like it or you get criticism, keep making art. At the end of the day, Sammy had to gain his own self-confidence and understand that this is what he really wanted him to do. Even his dad Burt came to accept that Sam wanted to make a career out of filmmaking. This movie showed me that a hobby is never just a hobby, and even if you make a career out of your hobby to not get jaded with success or failures, and to always keep going back to your roots so you can stay grounded when navigating the ups and downs of a career in the arts or really any career.

I really appreciate this film, too, because it reminds me that I can’t forget the people who made me who I am today. Steven Spielberg’s film shows how much of an impact the experiences he went through in his childhood and adolescence formed the foundation for his later life and career. His love for movies began when he was young, and even through all the ups and downs that life threw at him he continued making movies, whether he got paid for them or not. This taught me that even if I don’t get paid for my music or writing right away, to keep writing and playing music no matter what. My life has a huge influence on my writing and music, even if I don’t always directly talk about it. Sometimes I think that it’s hard for me to write about myself than it is to write about other people’s work, such as this film review, because it feels so personal and when I’m still going through the struggle, writing about it often brings up painful or uncomfortable unresolved things deep down in my life. When writing the characters I had to push past my own deep insecurities and confront those painful battles with myself because I saw so much of myself in these characters. But this film encouraged me because it showed me that our early experiences often do shape our art and it also has the power to encourage others who are going through similar experiences. As a child I really loved writing. Even now I have an entire bin filled with old journals I have filled out, and not all the entries are long and full of big words and flowery language. Some days I wrote and some days I was too tired to write. Sometimes I would just write about what I had to eat for breakfast or would watch on television. Other days I wrote about my mental health and how it was such a challenging thing to deal with each day. I wrote about love, music, books, everything I could. Sometimes I look back at these journals and it amazes me how much self-growth I have gone through over the past 20-something years of life. Even though I haven’t published a book yet, I still love to write and I have to keep reminding myself that making art isn’t an overnight thing, but rather a process of just making unseen efforts each day.

Movie Review: The Wife

Last week I watched this really good movie called The Wife. It was very powerful. I first heard of it actually while watching a skit on Saturday Night Live that was poking fun at Steve Harvey’s show Family Feud. It was an Oscar Nominees edition, and the contestants were divided between long time actors and new actors. One of the actors was Glenn Close (played by Kate McKinnon) for her performance in The Wife. I was curious about the movie after watching that sketch, and honestly this movie was deep. It was really deep. It’s about this married couple named Joan and Joe Castleman, and they live a seemingly quiet and comfortable life in New England. But one morning Joe gets a call from the Nobel Prize committee telling him he is invited to the Nobel Prize Ceremony in Sweden because he won the prize for literature. The couple are excited, as they should be, but through the course of the film it is clear that there is a less innocent backstory that comes with Joe’s success. We find out that Joan wrote a lot of Joe’s work for him because at the time he was struggling to publish his own work and was jealous of Joan for being a good writer, so he made her write his work for him and he took credit for it all. Joan wants to leave her past behind, but a reporter named Nathaniel Bone insists on writing her biography revealing the truth, that Joe was an imposter and that Joan was the actual writer for all of his work.

Honestly as a writer who struggles with self-worth, it was painful to see both of these people struggle to feel confident in themselves as writers, especially Joan. I was watching this movie with a friend and she told me this movie reminded her of the movie Big Eyes, which is the true story about the artist Margaret Keene and how her husband, Walter, made money off of her work and took credit for it. It was a frightening portrayal of how power can go to people’s heads and how honesty and integrity often get compromised when really good work goes commercial. Margaret valued honesty and integrity, while Walter valued profit and greed. Margaret spent long, long hours in the studio by herself in uncomfortable conditions, and when she needed to take breaks, Walter, driven by the pursuit for wealth and fame, only made her work harder so that he could play the salesman and pretend he was the one doing all the work even though he was a total fraud for taking credit for Margaret’s work. I think the flashbacks in The Wife sat with me, because at the time Margaret was a young undergraduate English student at Smith College in 1958. She thought her professor, Joe Castleman, genuinely liked her work but in honesty he just wanted to sleep with her even when he was already married and with kids. When he gets fired from Smith for sexual misconduct, he blames his failure on Joan and gets upset when she tells him that a draft of a novel he wrote needs improvement. The movie clearly shows how deep down Joe struggles with self-worth and to make himself feel better he takes his anger at falling short on Joan, lashing out at her when she tells him that the characters in his writing fall flat and threatening to divorce her unless she tells him he is a good writer. He says if he doesn’t make it as a writer, he is going to have to go back to teaching as a professor at a “second-rate” school and making the brisket.

At the time female writers were not respected, and Joan finds this truth out right from the get-go when she meets Elaine Mozell, a writer who visits Smith to talk to the English students in Joe’s class. When Joan meets Elaine and asks her about what it will take to have a literary career, Elaine crushes her dreams with a bitter smile, telling her to not become a writer because men don’t care about women writers and that her work won’t get published. Of course, because she didn’t have any mentors who could encourage her to weather the ups and downs of a literary career, and because the few writers she did meet gave her soul-crushing advice, Joan blurts aloud to Joe after her gets angry with her feedback that she will never become a writer and will never be as good as him. She does this because she doesn’t want Joe to leave her, so as the movie flashes back to the present, I saw how she stayed trapped in this really toxic marriage for many years and was silent about it because she wanted to protect her privacy. I don’t blame her, because talking about the abuse one has dealt with for years in a relationship is never easy and Joan wanted to keep her private life out of the public eye. But Nathaniel doesn’t see it that way. He meets with Joan for coffee and tells her that he did a lot of digging and found her writing in the Smith College archives and tells her that she is a much better writer than Joe and that she shouldn’t let him get credit for it. However, Joan stands her ground and refuses to let Nathaniel publish it. Even when he tries to butter her up and flirt with her, she doesn’t let him and tells Nathaniel to be respectful of her boundaries and not go through with this biography. Even after Joe dies of a heart attack, Nathaniel approaches Joan on the flight back from Stockholm and while he expresses his condolences, she knows he hasn’t forgotten about wanting to write that biography about Joe, so she tells Nathaniel that if he writes anything slanderous about Joe she will sue him. David is confused as to why his mom won’t tell the truth about what happened, but Joan tells him that instead of letting someone leak information about her private life and her marriage to Joe, violating her privacy, she is going to tell David and his sister everything that happened when they get home.

Of course, during the course of the movie Nathaniel doesn’t take no for an answer, and finds another opportunity to make the story known. In a later scene, David, who is Joan and Joe’s son and a writer himself, has Joe read a story he has been working on. Early in the movie, when they are celebrating Joe’s success, David approaches his dad to ask him for feedback about the story he is working on. David wants approval, but Joe continuously avoids the subject because he doesn’t want to hurt David’s feelings. When he is finally honest with David about what he thinks of his writing, David is hurt. Joe thinks that David’s writing has too many tropes, but I think he is unaware that David’s story is very much in line with the real-life dynamics between his parents. Joe gets up and leaves after he and David argue, and David remains in the bar feeling hurt and resentful. Nathaniel Bone approaches David and while we don’t see the full dialogue, it is implied that Nathaniel is dishing out the dirt on David’s dad and his mistreatment of Joan and dishonesty with his writing. In another scene, David is in the limo with his mom and dad and again, when David tries to bring up the story he wrote and his aspirations as a writer, Joe shuts him down. Joan thinks Joe should give David some approval and at least acknowledge his son’s dreams of becoming an author, and tells Joe that everyone wants approval, including him, but Joe doesn’t listen to her and says that he thinks David needs to learn to grow up and that he won’t make it in the writing field if he wants praise and approval from people. However, as a young man, Joe wanted that same approval from his wife. He couldn’t stand to be told his writing wasn’t good enough, and I think because he was such a distinguished professor at Smith, which at the time was an Ivy League school, he felt that prestige and title defined his worth, so he could treat people however they wanted. Because he craved that approval, he got upset when he didn’t get it in the ways he wanted.

Honestly, I can kind of relate because looking back, I often based my self-worth on my achievements, whether academic, music, or writing. And when I got praise and approval I felt pretty good about myself, but when I was alone dealing with my failures or when I got a rejection email back from the orchestra I auditioned for, or when I didn’t get the approval I wanted as a writer or musician I got really upset and started to think less of myself. I think that’s why I feel fortunate to have a religion or spiritual practice to help me ground my self-worth into something other than my external achievements. I’m not saying I am above awards or praise, but through practicing Buddhism I have realized that my self-worth comes from within me, and that whether I experience successes or failures along the path of this career I can remember that I am enough. It is a daily practice for me to awaken to that self-worth but it has been an immensely rewarding process and I have grown so much from learning how to bounce back from failure, write in my authentic voice and make efforts in my writing and music regardless of whether people are watching. I’m still getting over the fear of failure and rejection and not getting approval because I think like Joan said, wanting approval is human. And Brene Brown said in a documentary called The Call to Courage, which I watched on Netflix last year, said that even when people think “Oh, I don’t care what others think,” it is easier said than done because we are hardwired to care what others think of us.

When Joe gets the approval he wants from winning the Nobel Prize, before he receives the award, Joan tells him to please not mention her in his acceptance speech. Joe thinks she should be thanked, but Joan doesn’t agree. However, he doesn’t listen and ends up thanking her in his acceptance speech. Joan is upset and leaves the ceremony, and Joe chases after her, asking her why she is leaving. In the car, Joe asks Joan why she is upset with him, and Joan tells him the truth about their marriage, remembering how he took credit for her work for so many years, as well as his numerous affairs with other women and his mistreatment of their son David. He angrily throws the Nobel Prize at her, acting as if she needs it more than he does if she is so angry at him, but she refuses to take it, and so he throws it out the window. The prize is returned back to them, but that scene really showed me how all this pain and resentment and anger built up in Joan and Joe’s lives and exploded at this moment. Earlier, David comes into the room smelling of weed, and Joan and Joe find out that David had been talking with Nathaniel and that Nathaniel told him about Joe taking credit for Joan’s writing during their marriage. David tells his parents how angry he is that they kept these truths from him as a child, and there is a flashback to where Joan and Joe are in their home office and Joan is sitting at a desk and writing the novel that Joe would later take all the credit for. When David asks what they are doing and why he doesn’t get to spend time with his mom, Joe picks him up and takes him out of the room, David yelling and calling for his mom and Joan looking with a pained expression, knowing how much control Joe is exerting over her life to the point where she can’t hang out with her son because she is doing his dad’s dirty work of writing a well-written novel, in her own voice, that Joe will take credit for.

Movie Review: One Night in Miami…

Last evening I watched this movie called One Night in Miami… Actress Regina King directed the film, and honestly I am so proud of her for directing this movie because she is an amazing actress and this movie is just so incredible. It is based on a play by Kemp Powers, and I haven’t read the play yet but now I want to after seeing the movie. It’s kind of like with Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom; after seeing the film adaptation of the play by August Wilson, I really wanted to read the play and luckily I found a copy of it at the library. It definitely helped me appreciate the work of August Wilson more.

The film is about four influential figures in Black history (Malcolm X, Sam Cooke, Jim Brown, and Cassius Clay, who changed his named to Muhammad Ali) when they were at the height of their careers and reflecting on what role they play in the Civil Rights movement. The film takes place on February 25, 1964, in a hotel room in Miami. Honestly, the acting was incredible. And the movie shows how complex the issue of racism was during the Civil Rights because there were issues even within the Black community such as colorism. Jim Brown is sitting with Malcolm X while Sam and Cassius are going out to the liquor store, and Malcolm is criticizing Sam, Jim and Cassius for selling their talent to white people when they could be uniting with the Black community against racism. Jim makes a point that even within the Black community, there is discrimination against darker-skinned Black people, and that unlike Malcolm he has a harder time because he is darker skinned than Malcolm is.

Malcolm accuses Sam of selling his work to white executives who don’t really care about his work and just want to make a profit off of him. But Sam doesn’t take Malcolm’s insults for long, and goes into a story about how he started the British invasion. His record company had a Black musician named Bobby Womack record a song and the white British rock group, The Rolling Stones, said they wanted to record it, so Sam lets them record it and it hits number one on the music charts. However, even though it seems that The Rolling Stones are getting all of the royalties, they can’t because Bobby Womack recorded the song first, so Sam and Bobby Womack get royalties and money in their pockets each time the song is played. This proves to Malcolm that contrary to what Malcolm told him, he respects and values his worth as a Black musician in a predominantly white industry. Malcolm tries to further argue that Sam is selling out to white people because he plays a song on the record player that reminds him of Sam, a song by white singer Bob Dylan called “Blowin’ in the Wind.” Sam actually takes inspiration from that song, and he goes on the Johnny Carson Show later on and sings a song he was working on called “A Change is Gonna Come.” Malcolm accuses him of pandering to white audiences with songs like “I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons)” and “You Send Me.” (I listened to these songs after watching the movie and they are incredible.) But what he doesn’t know is that Sam is working on a song that is in align with the Civil Rights movement.

Earlier in the film Jim Brown meets with Mr. Carlton, a white family friend of his, on the porch of his house. At first Mr. Carlton and Mrs. Carlton are excited to see Jim because he has worked so hard in his career as a football player, and Mr. Carlton lets him know to reach out to him if he needs help. But then Mrs. Carlton asks Mr. Carlton to later help him move some furniture, and Mr. Carlton goes in to help, and Jim offers to help him move the furniture. But Mr. Carlton laughs and says they don’t allow Black people in their house (he doesn’t use ‘Black people’, he uses the n-word to describe Jim.) This moment reminded me not just that this was the 1960s in the deep South where Jim Crow was alive and well, but that even successful Black people were still treated as second-class citizens no matter how much success they got in their careers. It kind of reminded me of this book I read called Caste: The Origin of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson, and in one part of the book she says that in 2013 an employee at a Manhattan deli falsely accused Academy Award-winning actor Forest Whitaker of shoplifting and was frisked. It was a disturbing story but also not uncommon for many Black people, even successful people like Forest Whitaker. It showed me that we still have a long way to go in overcoming centuries of prejudice in this country and practices such as stop and frisk that disrespect the humanity of marginalized communities. It showed me that even though Forest Whitaker is this super successful actor and has gotten a lot of acclaim for his movies, he still has had to deal with racism as a Black person in this country. Likewise, even as a successful football player, Jim Brown wasn’t allowed in a white person’s house to do a simple thing like help a family friend lift their furniture.

Malcolm’s relationship with Sam, Jim and Cassius is interesting and the movie shows how Malcolm’s opinions of them impact their friendship. Cassius expresses interest in joining the Nation of Islam with Malcolm X, but then Malcolm later says he is leaving the Nation of Islam to start his own organization because his relationship with Nation of Islam leader Elijah Muhammad and The Nation of Islam has tensions. In addition, Malcolm’s friendship with the three men is under public scrutiny by the government because of The Nation of Islam’s activities. Malcolm has to have two members of The Nation of Islam guarding the door to the men’s hotel room because Malcolm is at risk of being assassinated. Malcolm works on his autobiography before his assassination. I thought it was so interesting seeing how all of these men produced the work they did in the play, because growing up I only saw the end result, like I heard “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke growing up, but it was interesting how the movie illustrates the back story behind the song, which is this dialogue between him and these three other men about their role in a time of racial discrimination and unrest.

Jim retires from his football career to pursue acting full-time. At first, his friends seem skeptical because Jim doesn’t seem like the guy who would star in a Western movie, but Jim is serious about the acting work he is doing and dedicates himself to it. He says he loves football and it is still his passion but he is exploring other passions. It reminds me of when I watched this movie called Last Holiday, and in the film Georgia’s sister tells her she is going to make her debut as a country singer, and Georgia tells her there is no such thing as a Black country singer. But after working on a project on Black musical traditions and the significance of the banjo in Black culture, I realized there are a lot of Black country musicians such as Darius Rucker and Mickey Guyton, and many others whose music I have yet to explore. One of the most poignant scenes of the film was when Malcolm tells Sam it seems he doesn’t care about his music career but he went to five of his shows, and one was in Boston. At the show in Boston, another Motown singer, Jackie Wilson, performs and the crowd goes wild. Jackie finishes and wishes Sam good luck, but tells him to not fuck up. Sam’s microphone ends up going out, and it’s implied that Jackie did something to the microphone to make it not work when Sam performed. Sam is figuring out what to do, because the audience starts booing and throwing things at him, and the band immediately leaves the stage because they can’t take the humiliation anymore. Sam then has a eureka moment and leans down to tell some of the female concertgoers he is going to sing an acapella version of “Chain Gang,” so he stomps his foot to the rhythm of the song, and the girls go along with it, and pretty soon the concertgoers act as an acapella chorus for Sam while he sings the song. It brings everyone together and people stop booing him. The audience is predominantly Black, too, so there is that element of solidarity where the audience gets to sing this song they enjoy. It is a call and response type of rhythm that involves audience participation, so the audience isn’t just passively listening to the music but actively playing a part in the performance. It was a huge contrast to the scene early in the movie where Sam is playing for a white audience at a ballroom, and when he is playing his mic stand falls over and he has to pick it up, and everyone in the audience is talking or falling asleep or walking out while he performs. This shows that compared to the Black audience he performed with in Boston, the white audience didn’t value his worth as a musician.

Overall, this movie was really good and I highly recommend it.

One Night in Miami… 2020. Directed by Regina King. 1 hr 54 m. Rated R

Movie Review: Jojo Rabbit

A coworker at my job recommended this movie to me one time and like so many times I put off watching it because I got busy and was doing other stuff. But this time I decided to finally watch it and it was definitely a really good movie. It definitely was eye-opening just the way the plot turned out. And it teaches a good message about propaganda and stereotypes in children, that children are conditioned, taught and trained to be prejudiced and un-learning ingrained bias and prejudice isn’t an overnight thing, but rather a process involving empathy and vulnerability. Jojo’s mother, Rosie, is hiding a young Jewish girl named Elsa (played by Thomasin McKenzie) in their attic, and at first when Jojo finds Elsa is hiding in their attic, he freaks out and she has to silence him with a threat and his knife because if he screams on her, she will be found out and taken away. At first he calls her nasty names and says a lot of hurtful things about Jewish people because that is what he grew up believing. Elsa isn’t fooled and tries to tell Jojo the truth about his life, that he is not a Nazi and that what he has been taught about Jewish people is propaganda and stereotypes. Jojo keeps a book where he draws offensive caricatures of Jewish people and when he asks Elsa to tell him about what Jews are really like, she tries to say positive things about being Jewish but then he tells her to say negative things about Jewish people because again, he was taught growing up in the Hitler Youth to hate and discriminate against Jewish people. However, as he gets to know her he sees his own humanity and also her humanity as well, and starts to see more clearly how painful and scary living through this war was.

It was interesting because at the end when the Second World War is over, Germany is now fighting Russia, and Yorki, Jojo’s friend, shows they still haven’t overcome their prejudice about other groups, so instead of trashing the Jews he trashes the Russians and thinks of them as the enemy. However, even though Yorki becomes a young soldier and is proud to fight, Jojo starts to see around him the destruction of war and the cruelty of the people who he once followed as his mentor, like Captain Klenzendorf, the Hitler Youth leader (played by Sam Rockwell). Honestly this movie reminded me of the time I was studying about the Holocaust in middle school, and I saw this book in the library called Hitler Youth by Susan Campbell Bartoletti. I haven’t read it yet, but it got me wondering about young men who grew up being trained as future Nazis and following Hitler. It made me think of an episode from the British show The Crown, because Prince Philip flashes back to his childhood going to boarding school in Scotland, and how he endured tormenting, harsh living conditions and the death of his sister in a plane crash. His sister married a member of the Nazi party and Philip had a lot of resentment about that, but when she died he really suffered so much pain and grief. There is a scene when he is in her funeral procession, and throughout the city Nazi flags are draped from windows and Philip is looking around at this feeling disillusioned and pained, especially because the headmaster of his school is Jewish. His father blames him for his sister’s death and basically calls Philip worthless, and because Philip is already struggling with bullying and neglect at his boarding school, he is forced to grow up very quickly.

In Jojo Rabbit, Hitler puts a lot of pressure on Jojo, even though he is only ten years old and still doesn’t know much about the world. But the movie shows how quickly young people are taught to hate others just because they are different. When I was in my African-American Studies course on Afro-American history, we watched the movie 42, and there is a scene where Jackie Robinson is playing the game, and a white man and his son are sitting in the bleachers and the white man starts screaming the N-word at Jackie. The camera focuses on how the son reacts and he at first is figuring out whether to go along with his dad or not, but unsurprisingly he imitates his dad and starts calling Jackie the N-word, too. I remarked in class how shocking it was, but the professor threw up his hands and was like, “Well, of course, these kids weren’t born racist. They were taught to be racist.” As a sensitive person I didn’t know how to react, but as I thought about it more and saw Jojo Rabbit, I realized what the professor was trying to tell me. It’s not until Jojo actually sees Elsa’s humanity and gets to know her that he overcomes the bias he grew up with. It reminds me of Buddhism because it’s hard to see someone’s Buddha nature, or this respectworthy nature we all have regardless of our identity, because we have fundamental ignorance, or this inability to see people’s Buddha nature. But when we chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, we see people’s inherent dignity just as they are. This is not easy to do because many of us, myself included, grew up with preconceived ideas about others and who they are and how they are supposed to act, think and feel according to what we have been taught growing up. But it’s not until I educated myself, watched movies, listened to people’s stories and chanted to respect the inherent dignity of each person’s life, including my own, that I was able to see the inherent dignity of my life and the lives of people around me. Even if I don’t always get along with the other person or agree with them on everything, I chant to see their Buddha nature and through gradually transforming my life condition I transform my relationship with the other person. It’s still a process and I can’t totally say I am perfectly woke and free of bias, but I’m working on getting better.

I also really love the scene where toward the end Jojo is walking through the deserted fields after the war and he sees a beautiful blue butterfly flying around. He marvels at this beauty, and I thought it showed how Jojo transformed throughout the course of the movie. At the beginning Jojo during his training is forced to kill an innocent rabbit by wringing its neck. Jojo thinks the rabbit is sweet and doesn’t want to kill it, and the captains and other boys tease him about it. Jojo panics, then drops the rabbit on the ground, trying to free it, but then the captain, frustrated, kills the rabbit himself and flings its dead body across the forest. Jojo is taught during his training that he cannot be sensitive and that it is in his nature to hurt people and living things. But the few women in his life, Rosie and Elsa, encourage him to embrace his sensitive nature and be vulnerable. Rosie is sad because Jojo just wanted to live his life, but now that he has internalized a lot of this Nazi propaganda, he thinks he needs to develop a thick skin and hide his vulnerability to be a true man, even though he is only ten and still figuring life out. Elsa tells Jojo about her fiance, Nathan, and Jojo plays a mean prank on her at first by making up a letter by Nathan telling Elsa that he found someone else and wants nothing to do with her, but because deep down Jojo is sensitive, he realizes that his joke really hurt Elsa, so he writes another letter pretending to be Nathan and tells her that he was just joking and wants to still be with her. Elsa tells Jojo that he will fall in love one day, and Jojo thinks it’s silly but over time as he gets to know Elsa he really does fall in love with her. There is a really sweet moment when he is going to declare his love for Elsa and we see his stomach and that there are little cartoon butterflies flying around in his stomach because he is so nervous and so in love.

There is one powerful scene where Jojo once again realizes how traumatic this war has been and how it brought out so much cruelty within people. Earlier he sees five people hung from gallows at a public square. He tries to turn away from it, but Rosie forces him to reflect and just understand what happened. She wants him to face the painful reality of this time during the Nazi regime and the war, because it has brought out the cruelty in people. Unfortunately, it’s not until Rosie herself is hanged that Jojo realizes the inhumanity of the Nazi regime, and starts to feel deep pain for his mom and for all the people who lost their lives fighting against an inhumane regime.

Movie Review: Belfast

This Saturday I watched the movie Belfast, which came out in 2021. I saw during the Oscars it got a lot of praise and many people said it was a really good film, so I decided to finally watch it. Honestly I was a teary mess after watching it. Within the first five minutes I was blowing my nose and crying tears. It was just a really powerful movie. It was directed by Kenneth Branagh, who I just saw in the film Dunkirk. It is based on Branagh’s life growing up in the 1960s in Belfast, Ireland. The main character in the movie, Buddy, and his family live through political unrest on the streets and struggle with money, and his dad is always on business in England. The family doesn’t want to leave Belfast because they have such strong roots there, but due to the violence they witness each day they are faced with whether to go with their dad and move to England permanently or stay in Belfast.

It has a really powerful message about home and never forgetting your roots and memories of your life and childhood. When Buddy is talking with his grandfather about the family moving to England, Buddy says he wants his grandfather and grandmother to come with them to England, but the couple wants to stay in Ireland because they have such strong ties there even with the unrest going on. The beginning was super intense because Buddy is just out playing in the street like an everyday kid and enjoying playing with his friends, but then he turns around and sees across from him people shoving each other, yelling and throwing things. The way the camera does it is powerful because it seems time slows down and the fighting in the background is muffled, but as it turns around we see Buddy standing paralyzed, not knowing whether to run or stay because what he is witnessing is so terrifying and vivid. Then someone throws a dangerous object at him and the children and families on the other side, and his mom has to run out and shield him from the fighting. This movie showed me that war can really impact the lives of not just adults, but also children. Buddy watches television with his brother, but also can’t always just go outside and pretend like the unrest doesn’t exist because he and his family deal with it every day.

I’m glad I watched this film because it’s been a really long time since I have been to Ireland. When I was in middle school I took a trip to Ireland and I’m not sure if we went to Belfast, but I definitely remember going to Sneem and Dublin. I was probably too cranky and teenager-y to appreciate Ireland at the time and really didn’t know much about it other than what I had read about during orientation before going on the trip, but it was definitely a beautiful place to be. But I only visited there for a few days and of course, with any place, there is only so much you experience in a few days compared to living there your entire life. As I get older and have studied about world history and read more books, watched movies and listened to people’s stories, I have learned that everyone’s experience about growing up somewhere is a part of who they are. I also didn’t know Van Morrison was from Ireland; I grew up listening to “Brown-Eyed Girl” and so many other hits by him, and so I really loved the music for Belfast because a lot of the songs were by Van Morrison.

The acting was incredibly powerful. I saw Ciaran Hinds in There Will Be Blood and loved his acting in that one, and I loved his acting as the grandpa in Belfast. I also love Judi Dench and loved her role as the grandmother in this movie. The mom also played an amazing role; I cried because there was one scene where she has to run after Buddy because he and his friend are looting one of the stores, and the friend pressures Buddy to steal something from the shop, and when his mom finds out she freaks out and tells him to put the stuff he is stealing back even though it’s stuff they really want but cannot afford. She and her family are sitting in the living room and she cries because she has grown up in Belfast her whole life and has known the community for such a long time, but everything has changed due to the political unrest and no one can live daily life peacefully without the threat of war. But she knows that if they continue to stay in Belfast during this tumultuous time, they are constantly going to be living in fear of war. At the beginning when Buddy encounters the unrest, the family’s car is destroyed when people rioting light the car on fire and it explodes. This shows again how Buddy can’t just live a blissful childhood because he witnesses trauma and war outside his house nearly every day. However, he does get to experience some sweet moments, such as the cute girl he has a crush on in class and wants to marry someday. And the time he and his family are out dancing and his dad is singing and dancing with his mom to the popular song “Everlasting Love” by Love Affair (the first version and only version I heard growing up was the one by Gloria Estefan so it wasn’t until I saw this film that I heard this version of the song.)

Movie Review: Little Women

I had heard about the remake of Little Women for quite some time, but I had not gotten around to seeing it. It was made in 2019 and was directed by Greta Gerwig. I love some of Gerwig’s other films such as Lady Bird and Frances Ha. I found both of these films quite relatable because Lady Bird (played by Saoirse Ronan) is a fierce independent teenager who wants to leave her hometown of Sacramento, California. She wants to be taken seriously, and she has dreams of going to college on the East Coast, but her family cannot afford the tuition. She wants to have sex but her mother doesn’t want her to grow up too quickly. I cannot relate to the sex part but I definitely remember wanting to get out of my hometown when I was in my senior year of high school, so I ended up applying to colleges that were far away from my hometown. However, I got really homesick during my first year because I had this idea about college being this time to just be independent, and it was but it was challenging because it was a new environment and I was away from my family. I also kind of related to Frances, because even though I didn’t have a situation where I was living in New York City and struggling to pay rent (which is what Frances is struggling to do) I really am struggling to figure out my purpose in life. Frances is figuring out her purpose in life and it’s tough, but along the way she learns so much about herself.

I haven’t read Little Women before to be honest. I read many other books in high school but Little Women wasn’t one of the books on the curriculum. I do know it’s a must-read classic though, and so many people I know have read the book, so I found a copy at my local library. I was able to follow the movie though pretty well. I really related to Jo March, who is one of the sisters in the movie, because she is independent, opinionated and wants to be a writer. While her sisters are strong and independent like her, they also want to get married and have families, but Jo doesn’t really want to get married or have a family yet. She wants to focus on her writing career, but she struggles to feel as if her writing is good enough. There is one scene where she is with her friend, Friedrich, and he reads a draft for a novel she is writing and tells her that he doesn’t like her writing and doesn’t think it will sell. She ends their friendship because of what he said and from there on, she struggles to have confidence in her writing. Even when people tell her she is a good writer, she struggles to think so. There is one powerful scene where Jo and her sister, Beth, are sitting at the beach and Beth asks Jo about her writing. Jo dismisses it and says she isn’t working on anything and doesn’t want to write because she doesn’t think anyone will care. Beth tells her to write a story for her, and when Beth passes away, Jo is inspired to take up her writing again. I thought it was beautiful when she takes one of her journals and props it up on her desk and starts writing all of these pages for her novel. She stays up until the wee hours working on this novel and she finally submits it to a publisher. The publisher is reluctant at first when he reads about the character in the book because he thinks readers aren’t going to like that the character defies a lot of the societal expectations such as getting married and falling in love, and Jo also has to negotiate the royalties and how much of a cut she will receive for publishing the book.

It kind of reminds me of Begin Again, because Gretta produces her first album, but she doesn’t know much about how the music industry works. She works on the album with Dan, who is a record executive struggling in his career, and they visit the record label he works for, and Dan’s business partner Saul explains to her about record sales and how much musicians make from selling the records after they are distributed. Even though she makes negotiations with Saul about getting a share of the sales and getting Dan his job back, the reality is that the label wouldn’t give her a lot of freedom that she has being an independent artist. She saw how Dave, her ex-boyfriend, became commercially successful but he went on tour a lot and got lonely and success changed him, especially when he reveals to Gretta that he had an affair with his production assistant, Mim, while away for business. Instead of releasing the album, Gretta decides to distribute it online for $1, and it ends up being a huge hit with people.

After watching Jo spend a lot of time working on her writing, I feel encouraged to keep writing. I have struggled with writer’s block, perfectionism, feeling like my writing isn’t good enough unless it is in a certain voice or style, but seeing Jo triumph in her struggle to follow her own path in life encouraged me a lot. This movie showed me that it’s important to follow your own path and your own dreams, whatever happens or how much people around you change. Meg later on in life tells Jo she is getting married and wants to start a family, and Jo breaks down and cries because she thought Meg wanted to be a successful actress, so she tries to convince Meg that she doesn’t have to marry and can instead become the successful actress she always wanted to be. But Meg tells her that even though their dreams are different from each other, it doesn’t mean her dreams of starting a family and getting married are less important. I am at this stage in my life where I am figuring things out, like whether to get married, have kids, go to graduate school, live on my own, when to retire, what kind of career I should have. And I’ve learned you are going to hear a lot of different opinions about what you should do. Some people will support your career path, like Jo’s sisters and mom supported her writing ambitions. And others won’t. But seeing Jo navigate those ups and downs while remaining true to herself inspired me a lot. I realized I can’t be happy for others if I’m not happy for myself. I would see on social media photos of my friends’ weddings, their newborn babies and toddlers, their graduate school acceptance posts, and I would think, “I’m happy for you” but then I would wonder “Am I behind?” I would go to friends’ baby showers and weddings and at first I was happy with my dreams of playing at Carnegie Hall and moving to New York City, but a couple of years ago I started to feel lonely and wondered whether I should do these things, like getting married and having children, so that I wouldn’t feel far behind in life. I understand now that plenty of women have great careers and also manage to have families and get married, and they understand that love doesn’t need to overshadow all other things in life, but honestly it’s hard to feel happy for others when you are unhappy. I think that’s what I love about Buddhism, is because it encourages me to not limit myself to only a few dreams but to dream big. Dreams can be marrying, raising kids, having a successful career, retiring well, becoming happy. I often chant now to have a successful life because I want to think about the long term. Thinking in the short term only made me miserable because I was only focused on my own needs in the here and now without thinking about what I wanted in the future.

Timothee Chalamet’s character, Laurie, was interesting. He kept falling in love with Jo and then he also fell in love with Amy. Amy though was already happily engaged to a wealthy man, but Laurie, drunk at a party one time, digs on her for marrying into wealth, embarrassing Amy in front of her fiancée, Fred Vaughn. Amy is also an incredible artist, but like Jo, she struggles with rejection and feeling like her work is good enough. Laurie tells her to not marry Fred and Amy feels incredibly disrespected that he would tell her that, and to not speak to her again. However, they reunite and they get married and have a family together. I think this was a very difficult moment for Jo because earlier in the movie Jo and Laurie are dancing together and acting silly, and they are really great friends. But when it comes to having a more serious relationship, Jo turns him down and says that if they marry, neither of them will be happy in the marriage. Laurie tells Jo he has loved her all this time, but Jo tells him she can’t marry him. Laurie is hurt and tells her she is going to want to marry one day. Then, later, Jo is feeling lonely and confesses to her mom that while she is happy for her sisters moving out and getting married, she feels lonely and that she wants love but doesn’t want to do it out of a need to fulfill society’s expectations of women. Her mom asks her if she genuinely loves Laurie and Jo finds it hard to make up her mind about whether she loves him. She decides to mail Laurie a letter declaring her love for him and that she changed her mind, but when they meet he accidentally lets it slip that Amy is his wife now. Jo is pained because she thought Laurie would still be available for her and wait on her to change her mind, but by then it is too late because Laurie’s priority is finding a partner and because Jo wasn’t ready he moved on. Laurie asks if they can still be friends, and while Jo says yes, I felt so much pain for her. Someone had fallen in love with me in college and I wasn’t interested in being in any relationships but I missed the signs, but because my feelings for this person were so on-and-off I didn’t know how much I loved him until a couple of years ago when we reconnected. I thought he was still available, but by the time I did he informed me he was with someone else. I think I mainly did this out of loneliness and I also struggled with low self-worth at the time. I think I just had the idea of this person in my head and wanted to relive those sweet moments of attraction we shared even though I never really acted on it, but I learned that people change and I had also changed. I had come out of a relationship a few years ago and it was sad but I eventually moved on. Part of me wonders if I want to date because everyone else is, or because I genuinely want to find someone to be with. Although I was encouraged that Jo ended up reuniting with Friedrich, who she had an amazing relationship with, because Friedrich wanted to follow Jo in her dreams and respected her independence. I am hopeful that whether I end up with the guy of my dreams or not, I can still respect my life and continue following my own path in life.

It’s really cool that Timothee and Saoirse got to work on this movie together again because they got to work together in Lady Bird. In Lady Bird Timothee plays a guy named Kyle, who is rich and is the main attraction of Lady Bird (Saoirse Ronan). Lady Bird experiences similar heartbreak to Jo because she and Kyle sleep together and when they are cuddling up, Lady Bird assumes he lost his virginity to her, but then he looks at her funny and admits he didn’t lose his virginity to her and has had sex with women many times in the past. Lady Bird is disappointed and crushed that this fact killed the magical moment of them having sex, especially because it’s her first time having sex, but Kyle tells her that she is going to have so much un-special sex in her life. Lady Bird cries and I felt for her because it seemed that Kyle didn’t actually want to get to know her or respect her as a person, and that he just only wanted her for sex.

I want to write more about the movie, but I am still figuring more of my thoughts out. But I definitely recommend you watch it because it’s a really beautiful film.

Movie Review: Dunkirk

A couple of weeks ago I watched the movie Dunkirk, which came out in 2017 from Warner Bros. I heard about it and had seen Christopher Nolan’s films Inception and Interstellar, but I hadn’t seen Dunkirk yet. It was actually a really good movie. It stars Fionn Whitehead, Harry Styles, Kenneth Branagh, Barry Keoghan, and other actors. I had seen Mark Rylance in Bridge of Spies. I knew Harry Styles from his music, but I hadn’t seen him act before. He was really good in this movie. I also really love that Tom Hardy was in this film because I saw him in Inception and he was really good in it.

The film reminded me of this film by Sam Mendes called 1917. Even though Dunkirk took place during World War II and 1917 takes place during World War I, both of these films capture the horrors of war. 1917 I’m pretty sure gave me nightmares I think just because the way they shot the movie was so unique; it looked as if it was all just one shot, so I only saw what was going on from the perspective of the two soldiers (William Schofield and Tom Blake) who have to go on a mission to deliver an important message. In the film, there was one scene that stuck with me where William and Tom are walking alone through a field of flowers on their way to deliver the message on the other side, and they talk about earning medals of honor for their service. They talk about how the medal means nothing to them because of the disillusionment and trauma they have witnessed on the battlefield. It reminded me of this piece I played in high school called Cello Concerto in E Minor by English composer Edward Elgar. Elgar wrote this concerto in the aftermath of World War I and was disillusioned by the war’s destruction on society, and in this concerto he conveys a lot of this hopelessness and disillusionment. In particular, the first movement of the piece conveys these feelings, opening with a bold mournful peal of anger from the cello because so many men lost their lives in the war and everyone dealt with trauma and anxiety about the future. Every time I practice the first movement of the concerto or listen to recordings of it I get chills.

That scene in 1917 stuck with me because going off to war to protect the country was noble but it also brought with it a lot of shell shock and horrors that stayed with many people, and it was literally a life-or-death battle for many people. In Downton Abbey some of the staff fight in World War I and they hire someone new on the staff who deals with shell shock after fighting in the war. Because this was before extensive mental health counseling and few people had adequate language to talk about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) they couldn’t really know how to support or encourage the staff member and he was soon let go. After the soldiers are evacuated from Dunkirk, there is a huge celebration and when Alex and Tommy are on the train heading back to England they read the paper and find a huge headline celebrating the soldiers being evacuated from Dunkirk. As they rid the train people hand them food and other nice things and they cannot believe their eyes. However, as heroic as the ending was I am sure that they couldn’t erase a lot of the suffering they endured while trapped on the beaches of Dunkirk from their memories. I am glad I saw the film Dunkirk because I watched the movie Darkest Hour and while it talks about Dunkirk, the focus is on Winston Churchill’s time in office and how he handled the evacuation from Dunkirk so I didn’t actually see what the war was like for those soldiers trapped at Dunkirk. There was a key scene towards the end of the film when Alex and the other soldiers are being evacuated from Dunkirk, and an older blind man expresses his appreciation to them for their service, and Alex says that all they did was survive, but the man responds by telling him that even just surviving is enough. This was powerful because it showed that because war was a serious battle between life and death, even just the fact that they made it out alive was enough. They didn’t have to do anything flashy or extravagant to seem like heroes; them making it out alive when so many other men were killed in battle was courageous in and of itself.

Seeing this film from the perspective of Buddhism helped, because the Buddhism I practice is based on the Mahayana teaching called the Lotus Sutra, which teaches respect for the dignity of each person’s life. Each person’s life has such precious immeasurable potential, and so I think watching Dunkirk from a Buddhist lens helped because I was thinking about what the blind man told Alex and thought about my own grapplings with life and death, and how Buddhism helped me appreciate my life through developing a more profound understanding of life and death. I haven’t fought in a war so I cannot imagine what the soldiers who were evacuated from Dunkirk went through, but there have been times when I was in a dark place in life and wondered whether my life had meaning, but after practicing Buddhism I have developed more appreciation for my life even when the day may not seem glamorous. Absolute happiness means that life itself is a joy. When I practice Buddhism I feel this what we call life condition deep from within me, and even when I am doing daily stuff like going to the grocery store, clocking in at work, or eating dinner, I can take time to appreciate each day of my life. I think dealing with depression was an experience in learning how to appreciate my life because in Buddhism we talk about the mutual possession of the Ten Worlds, which means that even though people have different conditions of life they operate in and react to different situations based on these life states, at the core of their lives is this life state of Buddhahood, which is the unlimited potential of each person’s life. Hell is the lowest life condition, and when I am in a life condition of Hell it feels that life itself is suffering. When I operate from that life condition and don’t transform it through my Buddhist practice I resort to complaining, blaming my environment and feeling powerless. In a life condition of Hell I resort to apathy, anger, resentment and hopelessness. War is a larger-scale manifestation of the world of Hell because it involves the taking of people’s lives and a lot of destruction. On a smaller scale when I am in the depths of my depression I experience the life condition of Hell but when I practice Buddhism, even though I may be in a life condition of suffering I can elevate that life condition so that even when I am suffering, I can still appreciate life itself and the little things in life I often take for granted. It is still a process to appreciate my life, but Buddhism has allowed me to transform my life condition each day. That was kind of a tangent that wasn’t totally related to Dunkirk but it was a thought that popped up while I watched the movie.

Movie Review: Summer of Soul

This past weekend I watched an incredible film by musician and producer Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson of music group The Roots called Summer of Soul (…Or When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised.) It is a documentary about the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival, which featured African-American musicians and celebrated Black culture. The festival featured musicians such as Nina Simone, Sly and the Family Stone, Stevie Wonder, The Fifth Dimension, Mahalia Jackson and Mavis Staples. People who went to the festival and who performed at the festival talked about how incredible it was, and especially during a time of upheaval and trauma. During this time, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Malcolm X were assassinated and the Black Panther Party was being established. It was really sad to hear that this footage wasn’t shown for many years; I hadn’t seen the footage before and I wasn’t even born when they had the Harlem Cultural Festival. Honestly if I hadn’t seen this film I wouldn’t have known about the Harlem Cultural Festival. It went on one hundred miles from the Woodstock Festival, which many people know about either because they went to it or because we studied about it in U.S. history class, and yet the festival footage was left to collect dust until Questlove directed the documentary. I grew up seeing plenty of footage from Woodstock because it was so ubiquitous, but it’s a bummer I hadn’t seen the Harlem Cultural Festival before. But I am so grateful to Questlove for putting this movie out there so that I could appreciate the music and the festival footage.

There was no way I was sitting through this movie and not dancing. The music was so groovy, and especially when Stevie Wonder performed a song called “Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Ba-Day” and he was really getting into the music. During this time period music was therapy for Black communities because people didn’t have a whole bunch of access to therapy or mental health resources, so people sang to express pain and hope for a better future. Seeing Mahalia Jackson singing in the documentary gave me goosebumps because she is just such a powerhouse. I remember studying about musical traditions in the Black Church, but when you actually see performances of Black Church music it is a really incredible experience. I really loved Sly and the Family Stone because they brought so much energy to their performance, and I loved their outfits. It would have been such an incredible experience to attend this festival.

One part of the film that interested me was that they showed footage of Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, and a white reporter visited the Harlem Cultural Festival and saw that most people weren’t sitting in front of the television watching Armstrong land on the moon, but instead attending the festival. When the reporter asked the people at the festival what they thought of Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, many people said that there were bigger issues to worry about, namely poverty, crime and drugs in the Black community and how the government spent all this money on the moon mission that could have gone to helping people in the Black community gain access to resources. This was another perspective for me to think about, because growing up I would watch TV shows and read books and Neil Armstrong landing on the moon in 1969 was definitely a huge event, but I didn’t think about the disadvantage of the mission, which was the cost to go and how that money could have gone to address a lot of the class and racial inequalities in American society.

Nina Simone’s performance was especially incredible because I love Nina Simone. Her music has this raw power to it that runs through my body like electricity. When she performed she had her hair stacked in braids and wrapped up really high and this gorgeous daishiki-looking dress, and she just brought so much power to her playing the piano and singing. She recited a poem about being Black and proud and had the audience participate in a call and response as she was singing and reciting the poem over music. The film also talked about how the word “Black” was offensive at the time, but during the festival the songs encouraged people to have pride in being “Black.” Black people were called “Negro” before, but there were songs called “Say It Loud I’m Black and I’m Proud” and “To Be Young, Gifted and Black” that celebrated being Black. I love Nina’s music. I remember when I was either in high school or college I listened to one of her albums that I checked out from the library and I fell in love with her music, especially the song “Sinnerman.”

It was really interesting to learn about the history during the time of the festival, and how the festival was a chance to bring people together. There weren’t just Black people at the festival, but also white people and people of other races. They featured Puerto Rican musicians like Ray Barretto and I love how he and the other musicians jammed on the drums. I also loved seeing Gladys Knight and the Pips because I love “Midnight Train to Georgia” and hadn’t seen much early footage of her performances. Watching the footage of the festival gave me much more appreciation for the legacies of Motown and African-American culture and music. After watching the movie I couldn’t stop listening to “Shoo-Be-Doo-BeDoo-Da-Day” by Stevie Wonder because it is just such an amazing song.