Tag: life

On Burnout, part 1 (content warning: mental illness, self-harm)

I am no stranger to burnout. In fact, this year I made a determination to take better care of my physical and mental health, and in Buddhism whenever we make a big determination, we face obstacles. One thing I’ve been noticing about me is that I tend to burn out very quickly. In my first year of college, I wanted to take on as much as possible, and I’m glad I took on the challenge, but I remember I wasn’t taking care of my health much during that time. I decided to work two work-study jobs, one in the dining hall as a dishwasher and the other as a pre-K teaching assistant at a daycare. I had a heavy courseload and also was burning the midnight oil well past my bedtime. My roommate would turn off her light around 9 pm, and I was determined to stay up until 12 or 1 in the morning poring through my philosophy textbooks, studying each book several times and perfecting every draft of every essay I wrote. It’s no surprise that I would come into class feeling tired and sleepy, and I would nod off during class. I would at first start off enthusiastic and alert, but as the class went on, I found my notes started to get a little less legible and my eyelids were feeling rather heavy. Before I knew it, I was dozing off at my desk in just about every class that I took. It wasn’t that the lessons were boring; they were very interesting topics. However, when you’re running on four hours of sleep each day, your body soon starts indicating that this is not a sustainable habit in the long run. And by junior year, I realized that it certainly wasn’t. During my first and sophomore year, I found myself gradually becoming more tired, more irritable and more withdrawn. And by junior year, I had hit rock bottom with my mental health. That fall semester there were several unarmed Black people that got killed at the hands of police, such as Eric Garner and Tamir Rice, and reading the news about police brutality made me feel disillusioned, frustrated, and depressed. I became a lot more hyper-aware of my Blackness, and going down the streets of the predominantly white town that I was in made me feel very self-conscious and unsure of whether people were looking at me because I was Black or whether they were thinking about what to grab for dinner or what time to pick up their kids from school (a.k.a not looking at me because I was Black). All I knew was that I was in a life state of pure Hell during that fall semester of junior year, and frankly I’m not sure how I even made it out alive, because I had lost so much hope in life. When I came back to school in my spring semester that year, I lost steam and was just running on fumes at this point. I had very little energy, I went to class feeling like a numb zombie, thinking everyone around me hated me and wanted me to disappear. I would go to bed a lot earlier than normal, which was great because my body needed to compensate for all the hours of sleep it lost due to my poor sleep hygiene those first two years.

I remember during my first year, I would hear gentle reminders from folks to take care of myself, to schedule fun time, to hang out with friends. The seniors often saw me running around during my first year juggling all these commitments, and they always reminded me to get sleep when they saw me staying up late in the hallway, click-clacking an essay on my laptop. I didn’t even go to senior banquet because I thought all I had time to do was study. However, the next day the seniors let me know, “Hey, we really missed you.” One of them gifted me a planner so that I could schedule time for myself, reminding me that college wasn’t just about the classes. At first, I got upset and offended when anyone told me to take care of myself and schedule time for self-care, but now that my body is recovering from years of being on all the time, I’m learning the tough way that self-care is a daily practice. I’ve also learned self-care doesn’t always need to be expensive. Sometimes self-care for me was taking walks in nature (as hard as it was to not have my own vehicle on campus, I did a lot of walking and I think that helped with my health to some degree), reading a book that wasn’t for class, or hanging out with my housemates. During my senior year I decided to try twerking for fun, so during study breaks I would twerk in my room to Iggy Azalea and other hip-hop artists’ music. I wasn’t very good at it, but it was fun, and it relieved some of my stress.

After college, I still had to learn that self-care is something I have to do every day, not just when I feel like it. And I learned that taking care of my body is important as a musician. In 2016, I auditioned for a local professional orchestra. I had this idea in my head that I would get the audition and be able to pay off my student loans just like that. Little did I know that it was a lot more challenging than I had envisioned in my idealistic mind. I remember shredding away at the audition excerpts for hours on end, without taking a single break to get up and drink a glass of water or exercise. I did go to the gym, but only sometimes, when I felt like it. I remember feeling really exhausted after practicing for three straight hours, and unfortunately, I still felt horrible about how I was going to do at my audition the next day. At around 2 am, I started harming myself, which is something I struggled with in my junior year of college. I didn’t want to be alive at that moment. Life felt too painful. The next morning, I lay in bed, feeling like life was over for me and that I should just give up. I didn’t have the energy to leave the bed, I didn’t have the energy to go to my orchestra audition later in the evening. I felt like a complete and utter failure. A relative who lived out-of-state called to check up on me, and at first, I missed his call because I didn’t have the motivation to answer the phone, but this time I answered and thanked him for calling me. He told me to take care of myself, and honestly, I think his phone call saved my life at that moment, because before he called, I had no hope and had lost the will to live. I made sure to rest my body before the audition, and in fact, that was all I had energy to do at that moment. About fifteen minutes before I had to go to the audition, I decided to chant to my Gohonzon (it’s the scroll I chant to morning and evening as part of my Buddhist practice) to have a good audition. I was terrified at this point about auditioning, and as I chanted the words “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo”, I started crying. I realized that I didn’t want to take my own life, I wanted to live, and I was tired of feeling numb. I cried on the way to my audition, and my dad gave me a hug. I got to the audition space (it was in a church) and the person helped me sign in. She was really nice. I went into a small practice room and warmed up with scales. It was an unrealistic expectation that I would play perfectly at this point. I just needed to focus on doing my best and getting through the audition. When it was time for me to go in (I saw only one other person going into the church to audition) I saw two people: the conductor of the orchestra and the principal cellist. They sat at a small table. I was nervous, but somehow because I chanted, I was able to be myself at that moment. I played “The Swan” by Camille Saint-Saens for my solo piece, and then did my best on the excerpts. Sure, I fumbled quite a few notes, but looking back, I did my best. I think because I chanted, too, I was able to have a very natural down-to-earth interaction with the conductor and the principal cellist. After the audition, my dad and I celebrated by getting Taco Bueno.

To be continued…

My Time in Western Europe

The summer before eighth grade, I had the opportunity to go on an ambassador program to Western Europe. It was a very wonderful trip, and to be honest, I think now that I am older and have gained more life experience, I would probably be able to deal with it differently than I did when I was thirteen. I will say that going to another country is a humbling experience, because it’s one thing to read about a country, but when you actually get there it’s a new experience. It was my first time leaving the United States and I was travelling with a group of people. We had an orientation session at a church building/ school and got to know each other. I wasn’t seeing a therapist during that time, so I don’t know if I had depression, generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety, but all I remember is that I was a very moody teenager during that time and I brought that moody teenage energy with me on this trip. But looking back, I have so much more appreciation for it than I did when I was actually on the trip. We went to quite a few places within a span of three weeks, which I found out goes by pretty quickly. We first went to Ireland, and visited a few places: Trinity College in Dublin, Sneem, and Killarney being a few. We got to visit a storyteller who told this poignant story about something having to do with birds. We also rode boats on this large body of pristine-looking water (I’m pretty sure it was Killarney because I remember a postcard that said “Greetings from Killarney.”) It was beautiful being on that body of water because it just seemed so clean and peaceful. We stayed at a Day Inn in Dublin, and I remember eating fish and chips for dinner. On the plane ride, we experienced a lot of turbulence and I sat next to a young woman who I didn’t feel like talking to for some reason, probably because I was so moody and pubescent that I hated just about everyone I came across during that time. We also went to Brussels, and it was an interesting experience because there was a statue of a naked kid urinating, and it was called Manneken Pis. I was immature at the time, and like the other kids I thought it was hilarious and couldn’t stop giggling. I was also probably taken aback a little because where I grew up, you don’t just see statues of little boys urinating in fountains. We went to a chocolate shop and watched a video about how cacao beans were harvested and how they made the chocolate in the shop. I remember this was one of my favorite parts of the trip because I love chocolate, and so I bought milk chocolate and white chocolate. While I was browsing the store, I accidentally bumped into a porcelain vase that held umbrellas, and I broke it. Being someone who apologized a LOT (it is something I am still working on doing less of) I remember feeling really terrible about knocking over the vase and I’m pretty sure I called myself an “idiot” and “stupid” too, because those were names I also loved to call myself for some reason, but the shop owner was very sweet about it and he told me simply, “It’s ok. Just don’t do it next time.” Because I was so hard on myself at the time, I thought I was never going to live down the day when I knocked over a porcelain vase at a chocolate shop in Belgium, but I can happily say that I did live it down and have made lots of other mistakes since then.

I remember one thing I struggled with while on the trip was chronic lateness. Every activity that we had, I was always running late to. I don’t remember if I was chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo or doing gongyo on the trip, but looking back I think it would have helped me elevate my life condition because I was so negative all the time about everything. When I chant I feel better and more centered, so that’s why I try to do it every day. I still experience challenges like everyone else, but when I practice Buddhism it helps me see situations differently and helps me tap into the wisdom I need to take the right action. I remember being late quite a few times, one time being when we were at a cemetery commemorating the death of soldiers during D-Day. I was roaming through the cemetery, paying my respects, feeling the heaviness of so much loss. It was raining, and I hadn’t noticed that I was the only participant who hadn’t gotten back on the bus.

“There you are!” an angry voice shouted. I turned. It was Blake (name changed to protect privacy), one of the chaperones on the trip.

“You’re late!” he shouted.

I panicked and hurried back with him to the bus.

“I am?” I asked.

“Ohhhhh yeah,” he said, running out of breath as we rushed back to the bus.

When I got on the bus, I started apologizing and calling myself all sorts of negative names and crying my eyes out because I’m sensitive and often would get my feelings hurt if someone yelled at me. Some people had to use gentle words with me to calm me down. I acted like the world was going to end because I was late rather than taking responsibility for my mistake and simply resolving to do better next time. I remember at one point Rachel, the main guide for the duration of the program, had to limit my time in the gift shop because if I stayed the full ten minutes like everyone else, I was going to be late coming back on the bus.

“Everyone you have ten minutes to shop around.”

She turned to me.

“You have SIX minutes,” she said, knowing I was the late one in the group.

I got back on the bus in time, but man, I was panicking while figuring out what souvenir to pick because six minutes goes by fast. I’m not even sure if I was happy with what I got.

I remember we were in Wales, and I woke up late and found my roommate was already lugging her suitcase out of the room.

“I’ll see you downstairs,” she said with a sympathetic smile.

I hurried downstairs. I hope I make it in time for breakfast, I thought.

I got down and was able to grab some oatmeal. But by the time I got downstairs to the eating area, everyone had finished eating and was getting ready to leave in a few minutes. I looked at my friend’s plate. She was eating baked beans and toast, which is what I wanted, too. But I was too late to order one.

“Wait, they had beans and toast?” I asked her incredulously. I was so jealous of her because the beans and toast was so good.

“Yes…” she looked at me, confused.

“But I didn’t get any!” I complained.

“Well, if you hadn’t been late, then you would have gotten beans and toast,” she shrugged, and continued to enjoy the beans and toast on her plate.

I was very disgruntled.

Looking back, this entire program was a great learning experience. I could say I had regrets, like, “I wish I wasn’t such a Negative Nancy during the trip” or “If I had just lightened up more, people would have liked me” or “If I had been on time, I would have made time to enjoy everything on the trip.” But looking back, I’m glad I went on this trip not just because Europe was so much fun, but because it was full of challenges, and I needed to grow from these challenges. I also loved that our tour guide had this really awesome playlist she would play while we were touring the different cities. I hadn’t heard about The Kooks until listening to a few of the songs on her playlist, so after the trip I ended up putting a lot of songs by The Kooks on my iPod. And a couple of the songs we heard on the playlist was “Crazy” and “Smiley Faces” by Gnarls Barkley. After listening to those songs, Gnarls Barkley became one of my favorite music groups to listen to.

To be continued…

Writing prompt

Daily writing prompt
How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?
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This was a good question because as my friends have gotten older and passed away, I reflect on the purpose of life and what happens after death. I definitely have gained a much deeper appreciation for life, and I have learned that from a lot of my friends who were older than me to live a fulfilling life and appreciate each day. It is easy for me to be jaded and cynical and to also think, “Forget it, I’m young, I have time.” But I think having that jaded and cynical perspective is no longer serving me well. It never served me well, but when I am in that place of “Forget life, I don’t care anymore about anything,” it’s easy to think that suffering is all there is to life when there is so much more. I think that is why I love religion and spirituality because it gives me something to look forward to everyday. I love waking up and chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo because it reminds me that my purpose in life is so profound, and it reminds me that I am deeply interconnected with everyone around me. As a solitary person, I tend to close myself off from others and get really consumed by my own shit and think I am the only one dealing with depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and other problems, but when I open up to someone, they might say, Wow, I am having the same problem! I thought I was the only one. I remember when we lost a lot of people during the pandemic, and it really forced me to face this deep anxiety I had about illness and dying, and also got me thinking about how we deal with the process of grief and healing from grief. I also volunteered at many memorial services for members of the Buddhist community I am part of, and each time I did it reminded me of the reality of life and death. It made me go back and reflect on what I am really living on this planet Earth for and what my purpose is. I think as I have continued to practice Buddhism, my perspective on life has changed. In 2016 I was miserable and thought my life was over and that I had no purpose. I had really bad depression and felt I was just going to stay in that place forever. Fast forward to 2024, and while I still struggle with my mental health, I am much better at finding ways to take better care of myself and I have gained so much more self-worth. Of course, self-confidence isn’t something I developed overnight. It took a lot of work, but I am happy that I went through this battle with my self-confidence because I had to get stronger and more resilient. Like in 2021, I fell in love with someone and my whole life revolved around him, and it pained me that this person was in a relationship already. But I was so madly in love that I wasn’t willing to face that reality. I think Buddhism and good friends and hobbies pretty much saved my life during this crucial period of recovering from heartbreak because I realized that I didn’t need to be with that person to feel loved or respected. I needed to love myself. I needed to be my own best partner. I am sure I will find someone someday but right now I really love being my own boyfriend/ girlfriend/ nonbinary partner. And I love myself so much more now.

Of course, I make mistakes and have slip ups and today, during lunch with my parents, I broke down and called myself a “terrible daughter” in front of them, and I could see the pain on their faces when I said that, and I immediately recognized that I was hating myself again like I had done so many times, and I realized at that moment, Hold up! That isn’t true. For so many years, I called myself worthless, stupid, ugly and trash, but over time I have learned that going deep in that abyss of self-hatred was hurting me and hurting the people around me, and so over time I have continued chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, and I have been able to develop so much love for myself and also for others. I have learned over time that failures and mistakes are important for my growth, and it is still a lesson I am learning to accept, speaking as a recovering perfectionist. And I have learned from practicing Buddhism to create value from even the tough moments. It was really tough not getting into the professional orchestra I wanted, but it was tougher to remember how self-destructive and mean I was to myself during that time I was preparing for the audition. I often cry when I think of how mean I was to myself and to others, like, Where was the compassionate kid who loved nature and books and experienced awe and curiosity? What happened to that little girl? She was there all along, but I had to go through my own shit to find that little girl again, and she is still growing and learning about the world, but she will always be a part of me, even when I take my last breath.

What books do I want to read?

Bloganuary writing prompt
What books do you want to read?
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Right now I am trying to finish a couple of books, one being Great Expectations by Charles Dickens and the other being Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. I haven’t made much progress but I am determined to finish them. I haven’t finished Bleak House by Charles Dickens but I may need to start over because I don’t really remember the plot very well. There are also some books by an author named Daisaku Ikeda where he has dialogues with different global figures, so I want to get around to reading those as well. There are still a lot of books I want to explore and read that have been sitting on my shelf unread. I have mostly been watching a lot of movies and TV shows, so my book reading has been taking a back seat. I have mostly been doing a lot of Buddhist study, so I have been reading The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin a lot each day (it’s a book of letters that a Buddhist reformer named Nichiren Daishonin wrote to his followers during the 1200s.) I also want to read Emma because I checked out the film from the library but I love reading the book before seeing the movie, but I might just watch the movie even if I haven’t read the book yet because it’s due back to the library soon.