Category: Uncategorized

Movie Review: The Pianist

Written 6/9/22

Two days ago I decided to watch The Pianist. I was going to rent it, but then I saw it on YouTube for free, so I watched it there. I probably should have rented it though because there was some dialogue in German and the YouTube version didn’t have subtitles so I didn’t know what the characters were saying in German. As much as I want to re-watch it though, it is one of those films where I need to take at least a couple of weeks to process it. My parents told me it was going to be an intense film. Then again, any film about war and genocide, particularly about World War II and the Holocaust, is going to be hard to sit through. The atrocities that the Nazis committed against Jewish people during that time were very real, and the lasting trauma that this genocide left for many survivors is still very real today, and as someone who isn’t Jewish I needed to continue to educate myself on the Holocaust. Also, in middle school we weren’t allowed to see R-rated films, so there was no way that any of my teachers would be able to show The Pianist for our curriculum.

I think especially it was important for me to watch this film because to understand how bad the Holocaust really was, I had to listen to and watch first-hand accounts by people who lived through it. The film also showed me events during World War II that I had studied in world history class but had forgotten after a while. I am sure I studied about the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, which was depicted in the film, but I hadn’t studied about it in depth. Wladyslaw Szpilman (1911-2000), the pianist and Holocaust survivor whose memoir the film is based on, witnesses the uprising at the same time that he is in hiding. It really is a story of one man’s survival and trauma as he witnesses the Nazis commit some of the worst human rights abuses in history. It kind of reminded me of the film 1917; even though of course the former takes place during World War I and the latter takes place during World War II, both movies depict the horrors of war. In 1917, we see how horrific the war and its aftermath were from the perspective of two British soldiers fighting in the war. The camera follows their perspective; we don’t see the perspective of other soldiers. These young men make their way through all kinds of destruction; they wade through trenches where human and non-human corpses lie ravaged with flies, they make their way through bombed-out buildings, and one of the soldiers is stabbed and killed by a German pilot, so the other soldier has to survive on his own. Even as he meets people on the way who try to help him in some way, he knows that the security given to him won’t last long and that he is still very much in a war zone where his life and the lives of other civilians are in jeopardy. The film shows him becoming more and more hopeless each time he has to navigate and survive the moment-to-moment traumas of war. There is no time for him to stop and process the psychological toll that witnessing the war has on him; he is always moving through this constant trauma and like his fellow soldiers, he loses hope for humanity.

In The Pianist it is similar. Szpilman, like so many Jewish people, is fighting for his life and even though the couple he meets takes him in and provides him shelter, he knows it won’t last long because soon after, he accidentally shatters a bunch of plates in their cupboard while they’re away, and a non-Jewish woman who lives in the apartment bangs on the door and tells him to come out, and when he comes out she accuses him of trespassing because he is Jewish, even when he tells her that the couple let him stay in the apartment. Another scene that stuck with me is when the SS guards force Szpilman’s family and other Jewish families onto cattle cars to be taken to the Treblinka killing center, but Szpilman is forced to stay behind. Soon after, he is seen walking through the city of Warsaw and breaking down in tears. Like the soldiers in 1917, Szpilman is forced to witness trauma and loss moment after moment. He witnesses corpses in the streets, a dying child caught in a wall dies in his arms and he has to leave his dead body there, and towards the end when he is in hiding, he sees some SS officers burn several dead bodies in the street while two other SS officers casually watch the bodies burning and eat their food. The film’s depiction of the trauma that many Jews faced will be engraved in my memory for a while. There is a scene in particular that stuck with me, which was when the Jewish civilians were held in a blocked off area to be taken to the Treblinka killing center, and a woman is sitting there and just repeats over and over again “Why did I do it?” Wladyslaw’s sister says aloud how it’s annoying that the woman keeps saying that over and over again, but then someone who knows the woman says that when the Nazis invaded her home, she smothered her baby and killed it. The woman has to relive this trauma and grief in her mind over and over again. This is just one of many moments in the film that sat with me.

The film reminded me of a quote that Buddhist philosopher and writer Daisaku Ikeda says at the beginning of the novel The Human Revolution: “Nothing is more barbarous than war. Nothing is more cruel.” In Buddhism, there is a concept called The Ten Worlds, which are different life states that humans experience at any given moment. The lower life states are Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Heaven and Humanity and the higher life states are voice-hearers, cause-awakened ones, bodhisattvas and buddhas. This film clearly shows that the Nazis were in the life condition of Hell. Hell is a life condition in which everything around you is suffering, and it feels like there is no way out of it. War is a manifestation of the world of Hell because people who commit atrocities during war are in a state of life where they feel hopeless and feel that the only way to address their internal suffering is to hurt others and cause destruction. Another life condition in Buddhism that everyone has is animality, which is where people put others down who they think are inferior to them and act servile when they are confronted by people in higher positions of authority. I’m pretty sure all of the SS officers were terrified for their own lives and terrified of Hitler so they felt they had no choice but to make the Jews feel inferior to them and murder them. There is a scene in the film where Szpilman is in the ghetto and is a laborer, and the SS guards force him and the other men to line up, and for no reason other than they just felt like it, the SS guard has six or seven men from the line lie down and he just shoots and kills each of them. It was hard to look at that and think “Oh, it’s just acting.” As much as I tried to tell myself it was acting, it still felt way too real and it was a reminder that yes, the people playing these men were actors but the crimes the Nazis committed were very real.

I know I am stating the obvious, like “of course the Holocaust was a real-lived genocide where many people were murdered and treated as scapegoats. Most people know that already.” But after this film I reflected on the anti-Semitism that is very much still alive today and how there are still people who say the Holocaust never happened. This film also forced me to overcome the apathy in my own heart and understand that human rights and social justice requires persistent efforts to educate oneself, especially if you’re not a member of the community that is being marginalized, so that I can overcome the indifference within my own life that causes me to dismiss injustice and human rights abuses. I remember when I was ambivalent about watching 12 Years a Slave for an African-American history course in college, especially because everyone had said it was a very sad and painful film to watch, but then my professor told me that it was just acting and that while the atrocities that white slaveowners committed were true, the people reenacting these atrocities were actors. Like, Michael Fassbender isn’t actually whipping Lupita Nyong’o. And so I watched the film at least four times, thinking, “It’s just acting.” I somehow thought I needed to watch it more than once, but each time I watched it I found myself pushing down a lot of those uncomfortable human emotions that I normally would have expressed. I would have felt fear, disgust, anguish, and I would have cried loads of tears. But I just watched and casually thought, “It’s just a movie.” I honestly couldn’t do that with The Pianist this time; I had learned that I don’t necessarily need to watch the movie twice to understand the depth of the pain and trauma that Szpilman went through during his life. It will pretty much stick with me for a long time. I don’t like horror movies, but this film was pretty much a horror movie for me because everything in the film really happened and a human being, along with other human beings, was forced to see the most ugly darkest sides of humanity.

In our June 2022 issue of the magazine I read called Living Buddhism, there is a section with excerpts from Daisaku Ikeda’s peace proposals, and one of the excerpts is called “Removing the ‘Arrow of Fundamental Delusion'” (2013). It talks about how Siddhartha Gautama, or Shakyamuni Buddha, found that the fundamental cause of conflict between communities of people was fundamental darkness, or the inability to see the inherent preciousness of each person’s life including that of our own life. This fundamental darkness manifests as an egocentric worldview where one is only focused on self-interest and cannot put themselves in the other party’s shoes. I have this fundamental darkness and we all have this fundamental darkness, too, just by virtue of being human beings. The solution to overcoming this fundamental darkness is realizing the interconnectedness of life and that each person’s life has inherent dignity and thus each person is worthy of respect no matter what their ethnicity, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc. When I look at the history of World War II and the Holocaust from a Buddhist perspective, I realized that the root at these atrocities committed against Jewish people and other minorities was this fundamental delusion about life and the value that we place on life.

The Pianist. 2002. 150 minutes. Rated R for violence and mature, upsetting themes.

Being True to Oneself

Written I think about a month ago:

Tonight I went to a study meeting on Nichiren Buddhism, and we studied this really beautiful article from a book of speeches and essays that Buddhist philosopher and SGI president Daisaku Ikeda wrote called The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace. It is an excellent book so far and has a lot of beautiful wisdom. I read it during lunch because I’ve been struggling a lot with self-confidence at work and reading it was encouraging. In Chapter 6 of the book, Ikeda talks about the principle in Buddhism called “cherry, plum, peach and damson”, which comes from the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin called The Record of the Orally Transmitted Teachings, and it basically means that each individual has their own personality, their own strengths and weaknesses, but everyone has what is called the life state of Buddhahood, which is a state of life where we have boundless courage, wisdom and compassion just as we are. In “Live True to Yourself” (the material can be found here), Ikeda says that the purpose of religion is to understand the human condition and the meaning of life, and part of living as a human being is experiencing both joy and suffering. Ikeda says that it is important for each of us to be true to ourselves, but that it’s easier said than done because most people tend to be easily swayed by their external circumstances. The purpose of Nichiren Buddhism is to build an unshakeable self, a strong inner core that, whether the circumstances are favorable or unpleasant, we can confront these circumstances head-on and create the most value out of them. In the second part of the study material, “Appreciating Your Uniqueness,” (the material can be found here) he says that it’s important to keep growing and developing ourselves in a way that is true to ourselves, and that we are each unique and have our own precious mission in life, so there’s no need for us to compare ourselves to others. He says that chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, which is the name of our innate potential, lets us bring out that potential just as we are. Even if we’re going through difficulties, we can challenge them using our inner wisdom, courage and compassion. I remember printing off “Appreciating Your Uniqueness” and keeping it with me in my purse and on my desk at work after reading it because every time I read it, it reminded me to not compare myself with others, which is a lot easier said than done. I’m a human so I still struggle with comparing myself to others, but then I think about this part of the book and it just reminds me I have my own unique mission to accomplish and to just keep doing my best at it every day. Even when writing this personal blog, I wondered whether my writing was good enough to publish, but after just practicing my writing, even on days when I didn’t feel like writing, I became more confident in writing in my original voice. Of course, there have been days when I don’t pick up the pen or go to the computer to write, but after some days or months pass I just have to remember to just refresh my determination to write consistently no matter what outcome the writing produces. Again, this is an ongoing process but I have to go through this process to grow as a person.

I also really loved this study material because embracing my individuality has definitely been a journey, and while there were many painful moments I have had to confront while on this journey, each challenge has helped me build my self-confidence and conviction that I have the potential to overcome my challenges each time through chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and making efforts to encourage my fellow SGI Buddhists and other people. In 2016 I didn’t really know what to do with my life, but I knew that I still wanted to play the cello even after college graduation. I thought that I wanted to have a job as a cellist in a professional orchestra, and while I still am working towards that dream, I have been able to use these past few years to develop more confidence in my abilities as a musician, and moreover, my self-worth. In another book I love called Discussions on Youth, Daisaku Ikeda says that self-confidence isn’t something you just magically have overnight, it’s something that you develop through challenging yourself in something, and that one can’t be said to have true self-confidence if their opinion of themselves see-saws based on others’ opinions. I think this is especially true these past couple of years, because before the pandemic hit I had this big glamorous vision of moving to New York City and playing at Carnegie Hall and having this glamorous career where I played with many different musicians and got all these awards. While some part of me is still striving for that, I also have done a lot of inner transformation, called human revolution in Nichiren Buddhism, over these past few years and I have come to understand that success isn’t just about glitz and glamour. Genuine success comes down to making earnest daily efforts even if they aren’t glamorous. When I first started working at Starbucks I struggled to take my work seriously because I thought that because it wasn’t related to my music career it wasn’t important, but as I polished myself through my SGI activities and efforts in my Buddhist practice, I gained the confidence to keep doing my best at my job whether or not I was going to be at the company long-term. I also came to understand through studying Buddhism that it’s about developing my inner self and letting that self shine so she can bring her best self to any area of her life, be it work, school, friendships, other relationships, and faith activities. It’s not about keeping up appearances, it’s about embracing who I am and understanding that I’m always going to be growing and improving and always have something to learn about myself.

Honestly looking back, I am glad things have worked out the way they did. I am still striving for a music career, but I’ve gradually been able to build a skill that is essential for anything in life, and that is learning how to embrace failure. As a recovering perfectionist I had to learn how to embrace rejection and failure so that I could grow, because the truth is, life isn’t always going to be fun but you can use those difficult moments, the seemingly un-glamorous moments, to figure out what your strengths are, what you can improve upon, and figure out how to use that in your career. Also, I learned through studying Buddhism to see things from a broader perspective, so I realized over time that rejection is part of any career, part of life itself, not just in the world of orchestra auditions. When I auditioned for my first professional orchestra audition I played to the best of my ability, and frankly I almost didn’t go to the audition because I was battling serious mental health problems and broke down crying while I chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo before my audition. I played “The Swan,” not knowing until a little later that most people probably choose a concerto for their solo piece when auditioning for professional orchestras, but what did I care? At this point, after literally fighting to the death against depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety to get my ass to the audition place, I was willing to just cut the perfectionist bullshit and just do my best for the judges. And it turns out, when I let go of trying to put on airs and just played my best, the judges at the end of the day listened to me play and looking back, I appreciate them even just hearing me play, mind you without a curtain separating me from them. I look back with appreciation that I even got to play for them in person and also talk with them on a heart-to-heart, human-to-human level. At that point it wasn’t about me being perfect, but about connecting to another person’s Buddha nature through my music.

Movie Review: Encanto

Oh my gosh. This movie. I saw it twice and I still cried each damn time. I watched it a couple of weeks ago (6/6/22: as of today, it was a couple of months ago when I saw this film) and my gosh, when I say I bawled through the entire movie, I literally did just that. The colors. The music. The storyline. Just, like, oh my gosh. I honestly think I cried, too, because I hadn’t seen a Pixar movie in a while and forgot how much I love them. Coco and Onward were the last ones I had seen lately.

So just to give you a synopsis of the film if you haven’t seen it yet. It’s about this girl named Mirabel who is part of a renowned family called The Madrigals. They are known throughout Colombia for their incredible gifts. Her mom, for instance, makes delicious food that can cure just about anyone’s ailments; Luisa is the strong one and can literally lift anything, whether it’s a house or a bunch of donkeys; Isabela is Mirabel’s sister and is the perfect sister who doesn’t want anything to do with Mirabel; Pepa can make weather; Delores has super-sonic hearing and all the other family members have some sort of magical gift. And the matriarch holding down the fort is Abuela, who keeps everything together and makes sure that nothing falls through the cracks and damages the long-held reputation of the Madrigals. In the first musical number Mirabel is telling all the neighborhood kids about her family members’ gifts, but then after she is done they ask her over and over again what her gift is and she keeps dodging their question, instead preferring to talk more about her family’s gifts. Finally, Abuela catches her dancing and singing and asks her if there is anything wrong, and Mirabel hesitates, but then one of the kids blurts out that they were asking Mirabel about her Gift. Abuela then tells Mirabel and the kids that Mirabel didn’t get a Gift. A delivery guy then comes and has Mirabel carry a huge basket of goods for Antonio’s gift ceremony (Antonio is Pepa and Felix’s son) and mentions in passing Mirabel’s giftlessness. Crushed but trying to keep an appearance of I’m-doing-ok, Mirabel tries to help with the preparations for the ceremony but ends up damaging some of the decorations, prompting her grandmother to tell her to not help because everything must go perfectly during Antonio’s gift ceremony. Before the ceremony, Mirabel finds Antonio hiding under her bed and gives him a present to celebrate his ceremony (this scene really made me tear up because it was so heartfelt) and she tells him the ceremony is going to go perfectly. He doubts this and asks her what if his gift doesn’t work, and she helps him cheer up. When the ceremony finally arrives, Antonio is walked down an aisle in front of lots of people, but he finds Mirabel standing on the side and motions to her to come and escort him to his door, where he will be tested to see if his gift works. As Mirabel walks, she remembers when she herself was at her own gift ceremony as a little girl and nervously walking towards the door. Antonio ends up succeeding and opens the door to find his gift is that he can communicate with animals, and he finds this incredible jungle of animals when he opens the door. Everyone is celebrating, but then Mirabel stands on the side and remembers that when she tried to open the door for her gift ceremony, it disintegrated, meaning that she wasn’t given a special gift by the family Madrigal. She wonders if there is ever a hopeful future for her since she doesn’t have super crazy cool gifts like everyone else in her family does.

However, she does find something that the other members of the family don’t seem to perceive. She finds cracks in the foundation of the family home, but when she brings it up to people at Antonio’s ceremony no one recognizes the cracks and once again Abuela looks embarrassed that Mirabel even brought it up, leaving her feeling even more dejected. There is a member of the family that the Madrigals don’t talk about, and that person is Bruno, who they portray as this creepy guy who caused everyone’s misfortunes. Mirabel sets out to find Bruno but ends up bringing some glass back from Bruno’s lair and piecing it together, which is a big no-no because the family isn’t supposed to bring up Bruno. Unfortunately this happens at Isabela’s engagement dinner, when Dolores, who hears everything, finds out Mirabel visited Bruno’s lair and then tells everyone at the dinner table. The dinner is ruined and no one trusts Mirabel anymore. Before that, there was a brilliant number by Luisa, who is supposed to be the strong one in the family who lifts houses, donkeys, basically anything heavy. Mirabel tries to get some information from her, and Luisa tells her she feels pressured to lift everyone’s burdens. She then tells Mirabel that she secretly felt weak when Mirabel revealed there were cracks in the foundation at Antonio’s ceremony, and says that she often feels she carries too many people’s burdens.

Honestly, I really felt I could relate to Mirabel. She feels like she doesn’t possess a gift and often struggles with self-confidence just because there’s so much pressure on the Madrigal family to put on appearances of having these supernatural gifts, this supernatural strength, and trying to keep it all together. But later on, we find out that no one in the family is perfect and everyone actually just wants to live in a way that is true to themselves. Even Abuela realizes that neither she nor the family are perfect, but to get to this realization she had to go back and face her painful past where her husband was killed by an army of bandits and she had to fend for herself to protect her three children. Carrying this grief and trauma inside of her while keeping an appearance of togetherness was probably one of the more painful moments of the film, because Abuela really was trying her best to keep the family together and happy, but she realized that by alienating her daughter and Bruno for being different, she also kind of suffered because she couldn’t truly be happy knowing that her granddaughter felt like an outcast and like no one cared about her just because she didn’t possess the gifts they did.

This movie also reminded me of this TV show I used to watch called The Good Place because there’s a character in the show named Tahani and she has a sister named Kamilah. When they were growing up, Tahani’s parents favored Kamilah over Tahani because she got good grades in school and was an all-around perfect child, while Tahani didn’t live up to their expectations. One particularly painful moment Tahani recalls is when their parents had her and Kamilah compete to see who could paint the best picture, and Kamilah’s painting impressed the parents while Tahani’s did not. Tahani finds Kamilah put on a successful art exhibition in Hungary and is impressing all these people with her talents in art and cooking, and it angers Tahani because she’s always been compared to Kamilah for most of her life and she doesn’t want it to continue. However, Tahani realizes that she really just wants to have a loving relationship with her sister, one that is free from cut-throatness and perfectionism, one where they can just love each other for who they are, and Tahani ends up giving Kamilah a hug and telling her that their parents want her and Kamilah to keep competing with each other and it’s getting in the way of their sisterly bond. I thought about this moment in The Good Place because in Encanto, Mirabel’s sister Isabela is the perfect sister and she is just keeping up appearances of being perfect because that is what Abuela and the community expect from her. Each time Mirabel tries to talk with her or be near her, Isabela sees this as a threat to her image of perfection and gets angry and tells Isabela to stay out of her life. However, there’s a crucial moment when Bruno is helping Mirabel see into the future what she needs to do to save her family’s foundation from crumbling, and in the future she sees her hugging Isabela. At first, she is repulsed that she would even do such a thing because Isabela has been nothing but mean and condescending to Mirabel, but when she visits Isabela in her room, Isabela confesses to her that she just wants to be free to create what she wants. Her room is expected to look a certain way, but she ends up using her gift to express herself however she wants even if it’s not the perfect image people see of her. She ends up producing all these colorful powders and gets them all over her room and all over her and Mirabel and when Abuela sees this she is distraught that Isabela would ruin her image of cleanliness, but Isabela at this point doesn’t care because she’s now happy that she doesn’t have to live up to other people’s expectations of her.

This is totally random, but do you remember when they had the Oscars pre-show this year? The cast of Encanto was on the red carpet and they were talking about how they were going to perform the song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.” For some strange reason, I thought they were talking about the 2009 mockumentary called Bruno with Sacha Baron Cohen because I haven’t met someone named Bruno in a long time and that film was one of the few times I have encountered someone named Bruno (Disclaimer: I haven’t seen the film Bruno so I of course can’t talk about it, no pun intended.)

Overall, Encanto was an excellent movie and I recommend it if you haven’t seen it. Also, Stephanie Beatriz, who played one of my favorite TV characters Rosa Diaz in Brooklyn 99, plays Mirabel so I was really happy when I read she was played by her! 🙂

Encanto. 2021. Rated PG for some thematic elements and mild peril.

“Naive” by The Kooks

The other day I was at work, and a song called “Naive” by a band called The Kooks came on. It reminded me of when I first heard the song, which was the summer before my 8th grade year of school. That summer I went to Western Europe and we had a chaperone who was British and really cool. She had a Red iPod nano just like mine (the one that was part of the Product (RED) campaign to fight AIDS in Africa) and had a lot of epic songs on it. The very first song I heard her play on our bus ride around Ireland was “Naive” by The Kooks. It sounded pretty cool, and I pretty much remember listening to all sorts of other British artists and consuming British stuff when I got back home. I even started begging my parents to buy me Weetabix cereal, which is a popular cereal that was often served when we were in the United Kingdom. It’s actually pretty good with soy milk and fruit, and I wouldn’t mind eating it even now.

The chaperone also had a lot of other cool music by The Kooks on her iPod, many which I have fond memories of listening to with the other people on the trip. “Seaside” was one of them, and it’s just such a peaceful and beautiful song. It made me want to go to, as the song title suggests, the seaside. Another was “She Moves in Her Own Way,” which is a really fun tune I love. After listening to these songs I started loving The Kooks. The chaperone also had some songs by Gnarls Barkley on her iPod, specifically “Crazy” and “Smiley Faces,” and listening to these made me fall in love more with Gnarls Barkley’s music.

This is the one of the first songs I listened to on the trip by The Kooks:

Review: Drive My Car

I first heard about Drive My Car when my parents told me about an article they read about it. I thought it sounded nice but at first wasn’t so gung-ho about seeing it. Then my aunt told me she fell asleep through it because it was such a long movie, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see it. But I’m glad I did see the film anyway, because it is truly a deep film. It does require patience to get through the movie but it is totally worth it. I definitely recommend if you can reading the short story by Haruki Murakami first. The story is from a collection of stories he wrote called Men Without Women, and while I haven’t read the entire book I really loved reading the story “Drive My Car.” Honestly, I don’t know how to describe Murakami’s writing. I’ve read The Wind Up Bird Chronicle; After the Quake, another of his short story collections; 1Q84 and now I am reading a novel he wrote in 2017 called Killing Commendatore. The books are pretty intense and it definitely takes patience to read his works, especially 1Q84, which is more than 1,000 pages long. But they dive into very deep human issues, and each of the characters you meet in his writings are so complex in their own unique ways. I really love reading the philosopher Daisaku Ikeda’s writings on the importance of literature because he says that reading literature gives us insight into the human condition. Reading Murakami’s works showed me how complex human life is because the characters find themselves in various situations that would be fantasies in real life.

The film Drive My Car opens up with the protagonist, Yusuke Kafuku and his wife, Oto, having sex. She is telling him this really wild story and he listens to her tell the story (my description of the story she tells wouldn’t do it justice. Also, At first I didn’t even know that the opening credits hadn’t rolled until they started rolling 40 minutes into the film, and I thought, Dang that was the opening. Anyway, back to the plot.) They seem to have the perfect life together, but then when he comes home one day he finds that his wife is having sex with another man named Koji Takatsuki. Still he continues to stay faithful to her even after she slept with another man. He is driving his car one day and then gets into an accident. He and Oto go to the doctor and the doctor tells him the accident messed up his eyesight and to take eye drops for glaucoma or else he will lose his eyesight. Later on, Yusuke goes into the living room and finds Oto dead. The rest of the film is about how he handles her death. He takes on a position as a playwright-in-residence in another city and the people in charge of the residency program tell him he needs a driver because it’s their policy (they add that one time one of their artists got into a bad accident and so they made it a rule that any artist in residence needs someone to drive them.) They hire an introverted young woman named Misaki Watari to drive him, and at first Yusuke refuses but Misaki refuses to let him drive and has him get in the car so she can go on a test drive in his car. She doesn’t speak for most or any of the drive, but she lets him listen to his tape to prepare for the Anton Chekhov play he is in charge of called Uncle Vanya.

The film also navigates the challenges that Yusuke faces as a playwright. He auditions different people for the roles in the play, and it’s awkward because one of the people trying out for the play is Koji, the man who slept with Yusuke’s wife Oto. The movie also navigates how Yusuke confronts Koji about sleeping with his wife, and how Koji also misses her instead of just seeing her as just another woman to have sex with. During rehearsals for the play, Yusuke is harder on Koji than he is on the other actors because of their shared history with Oto and Koji always initiates these conversations about Oto because both of them are processing their grief at losing her. However, Koji has his own complicated history because he was framed for a variety of crimes, including sleeping with an underage woman. He gets arrested when, while at the bar with Yusuke, he beats up a stranger who took a picture of him. At first I didn’t understand why the person was taking a picture of him, but then I remembered Koji got framed for something.

One scene that was really poignant to me and my parents were the scenes where one of the actors, Lee Yoon-A, speaks in Korean sign language. After getting really excited for CODA, which is a film in American sign language, it really gave me hope to see someone who spoke sign language being included in the play. Her audition was incredible and moving and it was the first time for me seeing a play where the language was communicated in sign language. Normally the plays I see are in English (or if it’s an opera, in Italian, German or French). There is a beautiful scene where the casting judge working with Yusuke takes him and Misaki to his home, and he reveals that Lee Yoon-A is his wife and that he learned sign language because they were together. The dinner scene where Lee communicates with her husband, Yusuke and Misaki is very beautiful and is an every day conversation but was just so profound and heartfelt.

Misaki doesn’t talk much during the film and she keeps to herself, but she has a keen sense of empathy and relates well to Yusuke, and ultimately helps him process his grief over losing his wife. She can relate because she lost her mother at a young age, and her mother was abusive but she taught Misaki how to be a good driver so she carried this skill with her throughout her life. After watching the film I had a lot of respect for Uber drivers. I know that sounds random but watching this film made me think about all the Uber drivers who drove me when I went to L.A. for vacation, and one person was super quiet but they were trying to get through L.A. traffic. At first I was put off by the driver not engaging me in conversation but at least I had my book on hand to read during the drive so that was nice. The film also gave me a new appreciation and outlook on driving in general. It’s an everyday activity that people like myself do, but lately this week while driving to work I started thinking a lot about life and death, and I started chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo while driving and it helped me a lot with my anxiety. I’ve realized in the few years I’ve been driving myself to work that driving can actually be a chance for self-reflection. Of course, I have to concentrate while I drive so I need to pay attention to the road but I still find myself contemplating a lot about the meaning of life when I drive. Kind of like the Saturday Night Live skit where Jim Carrey parodies Matthew McConaughey driving with this contemplative look on his face in the commercials for Lincoln cars.

On Leave, Chapter 11

I opened my email. I wanted to know if they had an orchestra I could join while I worked as a barista. I got a Facebook message from Sharon. It popped up on the side of my computer, on the bottom right hand side.

Hey, girl, I just wanted to check in one you. How are you doing? I really miss you. Call me sometime, okay?

I looked at my phone. I dialed Sharon.

The phone rang a few times, then I heard, “Hello?”

“Sharon, hey, it’s me, Natalie.”

“Hey Nat! Can I call you back in a bit? I’m heading over to Professor Blumenkorpf’s office hours. I got an F on my–puff–last—puff–essay exam, and I need help distinguishing between all the chord progressions. The class is hell without my bestie there to support me.”

“Yeah, sure. Okay…well, have fun at office…”

I trailed off because she hung up before I could even say “hours.” I flopped on the bed. Why couldn’t I just go back to school after this stupid medical leave was finished? Wait, would it ever be finished? What if I ended up at 30, still making lattes and letting my cello rust and wither until the bow hair exploded from lack of use?

I eyed my lonely cello. My lonely companion, so lonely without me. I heard myself singing the song “Lonely” by Akon in my head as I looked at the sleek curvy case. She was beautiful and she was mine. She was the one friend through which I could communicate my innermost thoughts, and yet I was throwing a pity party for myself.

I vented aloud to her.

“Why can’t I just go back to school? Why are Mom and Dad putting me under this life sentence called medical leave? All I did was drink some gin, it was no big deal. This is punishment, I tell you, punishment. And work today–it freaking sucked. We made thirty drinks in less than fifteen minutes and my coworker shouted at me. My life sucks.”

The cello listened intently. It was such a good listener.

But it called to me. It called to me to play on it, so I struggled to lug my lazy depressed self off the bed and play some tunes. I placed my bow on the string. The cello was getting caked with rosin and I needed to get it cleaned, but I didn’t really have the money to do so. Well, I thought, at least I have a job where I can make enough money to pay a visit to the local luthier once in a while. I started with a C major scale, bowing the string close to the bridge so it produced a beautiful resonant sound. I envisioned myself performing the C major scale for everyone in Carnegie Hall, where, after I returned to school and received my diploma, I would perform the Saint-Saens Cello Concerto in A minor for everyone to hear. I then played some random notes. A, C, F sharp, G sharp, back to A, E flat, F double sharp…before I knew it, I was improvising.

Then I took out my blue book. The Cello Suites by Benjamin Britten. I remember struggling through them during my first semester of conservatory. They are truly a delightful challenge to practice and perform. I bowed the notes with an astounding grace befitting to that of a queen. I didn’t feel depressed when I played. I felt like I was on top of the world. I continued to play.

“Natalie! Come help me put up the dishes.”

I groaned. My idealism, my dreams, shattered by a mother’s shrill voice, telling me to put up the dishes. But I walked down the stairs and went over to help her. I really couldn’t afford to be a brat. After all, Mom and Dad were letting me move back in with them so I could get myself together. I had already scared them by getting alcohol poisoning.

I had my headphones in. I heard muffled talking as I put up the hot and steamy dishes. And I felt a sharp yank as my mother grabbed my headphones, letting them dangle in the air as I looked at her with a face of embarrassment.

“I said how was work, and you pretended not to hear me,” she snapped.

“Oh, it was good, I guess,” I shrugged. I didn’t really want to talk about it.

“Oh, I see how it is. You can talk to your friends about anything and everything, you have this illustrious career ahead of you in music and everything fine arts. And yet you can’t just stop acting like a brat and have a single heart-to-heart conversation with me while we do the dishes.”

And with that, she left the room, trying not to let me see her cry. I know I let Mom down easily, but this must have been the final straw for her.

I looked sadly, put away my headphones and my phone. I was going to put up the dishes in silence. No music, no TV, no nothing. I was going to reflect on how bad of a daughter I was to my mom, how stupid I was to not talk to her or treat her like a human being.

List of International Films I Watched This Winter Break

January 8, 2022

Some friends of mine and I watched these films over these past couple of months. They rented them from the library and all of them are really good.

  1. A Borrowed Identity: This movie takes place in the Israel-Palestine area and it’s about an Israeli-Palestinian boy who grows up during the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He is conflicted about his identities since there is so much tension between Israeli people and Palestinian people, and he ends up going to a school where most, if not all, of the people there are Israeli. He meets a young Israeli man who has muscular dystrophy and has to use a wheelchair, and he strikes up a friendship between him and his mom. The Israeli man at first doesn’t like him because he is Palestinian, but as the protagonist shows this young man his compassion and friendship, they develop a deeper bond, but that bond is jeopardized continuously by the ongoing war between Israelis and Palestinians. Also the guy falls in love with this girl who is Israeli, and they have to keep their relationship hidden from the public. The young man ends up adopting an Israeli identity by taking his friend’s ID and passing as Israeli.
  2. Julieta: this film is by Pedro Almodovar, a Spanish film director who has directed numerous films, such as The Skin I Live In, I’m So Excited, Volver and other films. There was recently a New York Times article about him that I still have to read, but basically the film takes place in Spain and it’s about a woman named Julieta (played by Emma Suarez) whose daughter has gone missing. She goes through a long process of grief and memory, and discovers many haunting things about her past.
  3. Young Ahmed: This film is set in Belgium, and it’s about a young man named Ahmed who practices Islam, and he takes what his imam tells him to the extreme and puts together a plan to murder his teacher.
  4. The Way Back: This film is set in South Korea, and the film was released in 2002. It’s about a little boy whose mom takes him to live with his grandmother, who is both deaf and mute. At first he rejects her kindness, but then he learns to love and appreciate her because she shows him unconditional love. It was a deeply touching film.
  5. The Keeper: This film is set in England after World War II, and it’s about a German prisoner of war who falls in love with football and an Englishwoman. It’s a true story about Bert Trautmann, who was a professional goalkeeper for Manchester’s football team. At first the woman doesn’t trust him because of all the bad things the Nazis did, but then she falls in love with him and the movie is about how he overcomes a lot of prejudice from others and wins the trust of his teammates and the fans of the football team. It was truly a deep movie.
  6. Honeyland: this is a documentary set in Macedonia, and it’s about a woman who lives with her aging mother and harvests honey for a living. She goes to the city and sells her honey to people, and is happy with her life in general. But then a family moves in next door and takes on the art of beekeeping to help their business run. At first the woman who lives with her mother is fine with it, but as the family starts to overstep their boundaries and take control of the area, tensions build between her and the family and it becomes harder for them to live harmoniously. It is a beautiful moving film that also made me appreciate bees so much more. In the film, there’s several scenes where the people eat raw honeycomb that the woman freshly pulls from under a large stone fixture in the earth, and it reminded me of these ASMR videos (autonomous sensory meridian response) where people in the videos eat raw honeycomb from the store. I actually really love the chewing noises when people eat honeycomb and find it calming, so the scenes where the people are eating raw honeycomb were pretty relaxing.
  7. True Mothers: this one was deep. When I first watched it with my mom and dad I was super tired and had very little sleep, and so I unfortunately started nodding off. But I watched it a second time, and holy smokes it blew me away. It’s about a couple named Satoko and Kiyokazu Kurihara who tries to get pregnant but end up not being able to conceive, so they contact an adoption agency called Baby Baton, where mothers who can’t raise their kids give their kids to new parents who can raise their kids. At first, the biological mother of the baby the couple adopts lets them raise her baby, but then later on, when Asato (the child’s adoptive name) is six years old his biological mother, Hikari Katakura, calls Satoko (the wife of the couple) and says to give back her child. The movie explores Hikari’s past as well as the difficulties that the mothers at Baby Baton face in giving up their children. It truly was a powerful movie, and there were a lot of intense plot twists.
  8. In Between: This movie takes place in Israel, and it’s about three independent-minded young Palestinian women who share an apartment together in Tel Aviv. In the movie, they navigate the complex social norms of womanhood that people expect of them while trying to remain true to themselves.
  9. A Tale of Love and Darkness: I watched this today (1/8/22) and it was a really deep movie. It takes place in the British Mandate of Palestine, and it’s the film adaptation of a memoir by Amos Oz, an Israeli author.

Album Review: Brown Sugar by D’Angelo

So I had been meaning to write this review for a while, because honestly Brown Sugar is one of my favorite albums of all time. It’s by an artist named D’Angelo, and I don’t know, it just takes me away. When I need chill time or whenever I was working on stuff for work, or knitting something, or just needed some music to relax to, listening to this album’s songs has always helped. I just decided to listen to the full album today and just see if I could write about it. At first I was worried about not sounding perfect but I realized that it doesn’t have to sound perfect at first. Of course, when I publish this I want it to sound cohesive and to the point but at the same time I have to just start off with listening and appreciation of the music. I’m going to try to sound objective when reviewing this album, and hopefully I accomplish doing this. I’m going to be honest I may not be able to pick out all the instruments that are involved on the album, but I am going to try my best.

I think the song that really got me started with D’Angelo’s music was the 1st song on the album, and it’s also the title of the album, called “Brown Sugar.” It is smoky, sexy, brilliant. It is everything. And it was really hard for me to figure out what to say about this album because it elicits so many emotions and feelings for me, and his singing and instrumentals are just so raw and beautiful that putting it in words, I mean, I don’t really know if it will do the album justice. And honestly while I am writing I am going to spout some hogwash and my writing for this first draft will make very little if no sense. I sound really self-critical here, but I’m just getting my thoughts out.

Anyway, I’ll just write my basic feelings about the album even if it’s not totally comprehensive or put-together. I first heard about D’Angelo when I was browsing iTunes, because there’s another neo-soul artist named Joss Stone, and what iTunes did back in the day is compile a playlist of the songs that actors, musicians and entertainers love. One of the playlists was for Joss Stone, and one of the songs on the playlist was “Brown Sugar” by D’Angelo. The first time I heard it, it sounded okay, but then I didn’t know if I would pursue D’Angelo’s music again after that. But back then, I was still exploring the soul genre and had just started with artists like Joss Stone and Amy Winehouse, then slowly started moving towards classic singers such as Marvin Gaye and Aretha Franklin over time. In college I had a few D’Angelo songs on my iPod Nano (it was the super skinny one and it came in the red color as part of the Product(RED) campaign. I still have that baby to this day.). But when I actually listened to the full album Brown Sugar, I came to more appreciate D’Angelo’s artistry and the different influences that appear in his music. Also, reading more about who he is as a musician was amazing because he plays multiple instruments and although he had help from other artists in the production of Brown Sugar he produced the majority of the album in addition to writing the songs. According to the Wikipedia page about D’Angelo, he was influenced to do this because of Prince. Prince took full control of the production of his music, and was really serious about copyright, probably because he knew the music industry might try to control his rights as an artist. Especially as a Black artist, when you think about how historically Black artists were robbed of their rights and copyright while working under white record executives, it’s not surprising that artists like Prince or D’Angelo would take full control of their albums.

If you’re looking for an album that will help you relax, this is definitely one of those albums. And especially if you’re a huge fan of R n B or quiet storm music, this is an album that many fans and critics loved and still celebrate. I don’t know too many close friends who know about his music, but a couple of times I talked with some fellow R n B fans and we have gushed about D’Angelo’s music together. It’s a mature album, and not just because it has the Parental Advisory sticker on it. It’s an organic, beautiful album that must have involved a serious process where D’Angelo thought about and worked really hard on, along with his team. It’s incredibly sophisticated, and is reminiscent of a lot of classic Motown R n B artists. Of course, I can’t exactly compare Marvin Gaye’s music and D’Angelo’s music because they were produced during different times and with different recording equipment, but the crooning of Marvin is similar to the crooning of D’Angelo, as well as the song content. Marvin Gaye’s songs have a lot to do with romance and sex and love, and so do the songs on Brown Sugar. This album also reminded me a lot of Thundercat’s album Drunk because both albums mix funk, R n B and jazz, and both vocals are incredible on both albums. I guess also because both are alternatives to mainstream R n B.

The album

  1. “Brown Sugar”: The song opens up with a smooth jazz riff, and then D’Angelo delves into an incredibly beautiful story about his encounter with a beautiful woman named Brown Sugar. He can’t help but be attracted to her because she is so attractive and he needs more of this woman to be satisfied. This song was caramel, brown sugar when you melt it in a pan and let it simmer. It is delectable, juicy, sexy, and sweet. The drums and the voices make it feel like my body is melting in chocolate. I close my eyes and I’m just totally taken in. The background noises convey the narrator with his friends as he’s thinking of this beautiful woman he can’t get enough of. The more times I listen to this song the less tired I get of it, and the more I crave it. I can’t help but move my body to this music. It is incredible. I know there is a Rolling Stones song called “Brown Sugar” but this version (which, of course, is totally different from the Rolling Stone one) is pure beauty.
  2. “Alright”: The song opens with some old school radio crackling, giving the song an old school feeling. The album overall has a very old-school feeling and of course that’s not surprising because it came out in 1995. I really love D’Angelo’s soaring vocals. The song is in a major key, A major. I found myself closing my eyes and swaying to the music. It just has a sweet groovy feeling, like those 90s movies you watch when two people meet in high school and do old-school romantic things together.
  3. “Jonz in My Bonz”: this song has a really cool hip-hop beat to it. It’s almost like a mantra that repeats through the song, “I’ve got a jonz in my bonz” and this mantra over the really chill percussive rhythms.
  4. “Me and Those Dreamin’ Eyes of Mine”: I love this song. I listened to it in college and I have always sought comfort in D’Angelo’s rich sophisticated voice. I love the key it is in G Major. There is a beautiful bass beat underlying the song. I love how the chorus sounds, too, just so beautiful. And I love how the drums sound throughout the song it gives it its jazz and R n B feel.
  5. “Shit, Damn, Motherfucker”: I love the intro to this song. It has a groovy feel in E minor and has a sort of dance rhythm. Like “Jonz in My Bonz”, “shit, damn, motherfucker” is like a mantra throughout the song.
  6. “Smooth”: the jazz intro is absolutely gorgeous. Then it moves into old school rhythms. And like the title of the song, the song itself is smooth. I love the use of piano in the song, too. I found myself bobbing my head to the rhythms.
  7. “Cruisin'”: This is originally a song by Motown artist Smokey Robinson released in 1979, and D’Angelo gives it a new spin. It just sounds sexy as hell, just being perfectly honest. It’s like D’Angelo’s voice just took me away. It also relaxed my muscles and helped me destress. I also love the strings and the drums backing up the vocals. It’s like D’Angelo’s voice wrapped me up inside it and never let me out.
  8. “When We Get By”: This is actually one of my favorite songs on the album and it’s the one I can’t stop listening to. I love the key of F sharp major, and I see the color gold when I hear it. This song had a very pleasant feel, like when you wake up in the morning and don’t have to rush about, you can just take your sweet time and eat your breakfast and make your coffee and smell the roses. It made me want to take a nice stroll outside.

On Leave: A Novel, Chapter 10

I was tired. I walked to the cafe head hung low and eyes strained bloodshot red. I had worked a dreaded clo-pen, in which you close until midnight and then get back up at 6 am to open shop. I practicalled tripped over a stray dog laying on its stomach, chilling out. It yelped.

“Sorry, Cheddar,” I mumbled and stumbled my way to the cafe.

I got in. Jessica Royals was preparing the teas, brewing them with a delicate manner so hard to master that it would take years before I could catch up to her level. Jessica was a brilliant young diamond, 5 ft 2, eyes of blue, and was finishing up her final year at Westwood High School. She told me she was saving up money to go to college. Smart young woman, loves books, movies and music. She reminds me so much of myself because I, too, love those things.

Today, she was in her usual calm mood.

“Hey, Nat,” she said casually.

I ignored her and stomped over to the back of the house to put my stuff in the closet. I went back out.

“Can you get me some mocha powder? I forgot to make mocha last night and we’re expecting a pretty busy crowd today.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Or I can do it,” she suddenly threw her hands up in exasperation.

“No, fine, I’m sorry, I closed last night so I’m pretty burnt.”

“Whatever,” she said going back to brewing the guava fruit tea. “Just make that mocha sauce before the customers get here.”

So I went to the back of the house and did what she said. I went over to the shelves and got a large bag with brown powder caked on it. Our in-house mocha. I grabbed a cube-shaped bin and put the mocha powder in it. It wafted up to my nostrils. I bent over to cough, hacking up all the mocha powder that accidentally made its way through my nasal passages. I hate it when that happens. I just didn’t want to cough all over the mocha powder since I didn’t want people to consume germy mint mocha lattes.

I went over to the hot water dispenser and put the pitcher under it. The thin stream trickled out slowly, releasing steam as it did so. A little bit of water hit my fingers and I whispered a curse word or two. Sometimes when things happen like that you just have to brush it off. So I did. I grabbed the large whisk from the cupboard and whisked together the mocha powder with the hot water. As bad as it smelled in powder form, it actually smelled good when mixed together. It formed a pudding-like consistency at first, but then as I stirred it more, it became smoother and had a more liquid consistency.

I grabbed the container of mocha and made my way out of the back-of-house. When I got to the front-of-house, it was already mayhem. About twenty people were in line.

“Natalie! Get to the bar, quick! We have to ring up these orders.”

Was this the sweet relaxed Jessica that was greeting me earlier? What happened to her?

I shook myself out of my daze and quickly went over to prepare the drinks. About thirty drink cups were lined up. Plastic 16 ounce, small hot 12 ouncer, venti in a double cup. A writing was all over these cups, so much writing I coudll barely understand half of the things Jessica wrote.

“You need better handwriting,” I said aloud to her, but she didn’t hear me, instead focusing on the customer in front of her. I aspire to Jessica’s work ethic so much it’s not even funny.

Ok, let’s see. A grande passion tea lemonade with eight Splendas, 1/4 pump of classic syrup and blended. Weird, but I didn’t have time to ponder on how weird–I read the cup–Amina’s drink was.

I put the tea and scooped a small scoop-ful of ice into the blender.

“Oh, you can put more ice in it than that,” a diminutive lady squeaked. She was wearing the fanciest clothes and had these aviator shades on. It was like I was interacting with a shorter version of Anna freaking Wintour.

I nearly rolled my eyes in exasperation but caught myself. I didn’t want to risk being fired for something as simple as rolling my eyes and showing a bad attitude.

I grabbed all the ice I could. It felt as if I was digging for diamonds or going on an expedition to the North Pole.

“Now, blend it up for 30 seconds.”

I had a momentary moment of bewilderment. Who did this woman think she was, my manager? I turned on the blender.

“One, two, three…”

And I knew I was done for. This stranger was actually counting aloud. She was micromanaging my drink-making instead of trusting me to make the drink for her without worrying.

“I want to make sure it is 100 percent perfect. If I don’t have the perfect passion tea blended drink, I will perish in solitude for the rest of my life.”

Geez, I thought, she should be an actress. Maybe she is an actress and I just don’t know it. Sometimes when living in New York City and working at a coffee shop, you can meet all kinds of people here.

I finally finished it for her. She tasted it.

“Eh, it could use something more. Try putting in six pumps of hazelnut syrup, three pumps of toffee nut, and dash it off with a little heavy whipping cream.”

I nearly barfed. That sounded grosser than having a possum crawl into my room. But I needed to get paid for my labor, so I did what she said. The mixture looked like someone drank this kind of monstrosity and pooped it all out. It looked disgusting, but according to the woman’s face it tasted like heaven.

“Thank you, dear,” she said. And before I could say thank you, she had slipped me a $10 bill. I quickly stashed it away in my apron pocket and continued making the drinks.

“Hey, where’s our caramel Frappuccino?” A moody teenager confronted me. She had blonde hair in two cornrows and was wearing a Victoria’s Secret jumpsuit. “My friends and I are waiting. Hey, girls, come here.”

They all swarmed on me at once. It was like I was meeting an army of Mean Girls Plastics. They were all dressed up in pink matching jumpsuits.

“I also had a drink!”

“Me two!”

“Me three!”

“Me four!”

“Me five!”

“Me six!”

“Me seven!”

The ringleader turned back to me.

“Get us our drinks now or we’re calling the cops on you.”

Why was she calling the cops on me? Because I was Black?

I didn’t say anything and quietly made them their drinks. They hovered like hungry vultures, their bodies and faces screaming, Where’s the caffeine, the sugar, the good stuff that makes us bounce off the walls? I bet once that sugar crash hit, they were going to crash with it.

I scrambled to find the syrups, and pumped them one by one in the plastic cups. Sarah got a mint caramel Frappuccino with extra toffee syrup and mint caramel sauce around the cup. I took a brown sauce dispenser and masterfully made a work of art in the cup.

“Oooohhh,” a girl who looked like Sarah mused. “That’s beautiful.” She was the only one in the group who genuinely seemed interested in the aesthetics of the drink. I blended up the mocha sauce and caramel syrup with the whole milk.

“Did you use soy?” Sarah asked. I snapped out of my reverie. Shit. I stopped the blender, threw out the gloopy Frappuccino mixture and started over, grabbing the soymilk from the fridge this time.

An angry pregnant lady and her husband accosted me from the front.

“Hurry up with our drinks!” she shouted.

“I’m trying ma’am, I’m so sorry,” I said.

“You know what, forget it, we’re going elsewhere for our drinks. Honey,” she turned to her husband, “let’s go get some lattes at the nearby Starbucks.”

I gulped. To any small coffee shop owner, the mere mention of Starbucks sounded like a four-letter word. I freaked out.

A diminutive kid wearing Coke bottle glasses and a pudding bowl hairstyle rushed in.

“Chuck, you’re late!” Jessica snapped.

“Sorry,” he said, and went into the back of house to retrieve his apron and put away his stuff. He looked sheepishly at me when he came to the front.

“Sorry,” he laughed weakly. “I overslept. I took a huge nap and then–“

“Can you put extra caramel sauce on my macchiato?” a young woman asked nicely from where I was making her drink.

“Yeah, sure.” I turned to Chuck. “Sorry, man, it’s just that we’re pretty backed up.”

“No problem,” he said quickly, and with that, helped me with lighting-speed churn out the drinks.

—

By the end of the shift, we were burnt. However, this is why weekends are the best time to work at a coffee shop, because people tend to have sympathy for the baristas. They know we are so busy, so they tip us a lot. Even though we nearly killed ourselves making so many drinks, we ended up splitting $15 each in tips. You’d think we were servers at a five-star restaurant or something.

Chapter 9 of On Leave: A Novel

Everything was great until I met the new girl. She was from Iowa and had moved to New York City for grad school. She was fiery in temper and stomped in a bad mood.

The line was backed up. I was preparing to take out the trash.

“Natalie, we’re short on dark roast.”

“Hold on, let me take out the trash.”

She spun on me.

“THIS LADY HAS BEEN WAITING FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES FOR HER COFFEE! TRASH CAN WAIT!!!”

Ouch. That really stung. I smarted. A lot.

“Fine, sorry.” I rolled my eyes and brewed the coffee.

“Hey, where’s our coffee?!?” A tall angry-looking man yelled.

“Yeah, we all have to get to work!” a young mother looking like a caffeine-crazed zombie shouted at us.

The new girl, Cassidy, gave me a dirty look. When the coffee was finished, she said something real petty.

“Thank you for your patience. Sorry, my coworker is so slow. She doesn’t see the customer as important.” She flashed me a cunning wink. Jerk.

—

While I was cleaning up the countertops, I saw Cassidy put some straws in the condiment bar.

“Cassidy!”

She turned and gave me a blank look.

“Thanks for shouting at me. In the future, I will put the customer first if you don’t scream at me next time, okay?

She shrugged.

—

She showed me photos of the Black guy she was trying to find on Tinder.

“He looks a little bit too dark for my taste,” she said, not realizing that she was saying this to me, a Black woman.

“Isn’t that a bit racist?” I straight-up asked her.

She gave me a quizzical look.

“Are you calling me, of all people, racist? Just because I make a comment about someone’s skin color doesn’t mean I’m racist. I have Black friends, therefore I think I can pull the race card for once.”

What the hell? I thought. But I didn’t want to fight with this oblivious person, so I dropped the matter altogether.

—

The next day, I walked in. Cassidy was supposed to be on the schedule.

“Um, John,” I asked my coworker.

“Yeah?” he looked up from the tuna steak he was grilling for a customer’s breakfast.

“Where’s Cassidy? You know, the girl from Iowa.”

“Oh, her! Yeah, she quit.”

I couldn’t believe it. I was both immensely overjoyed and also perplexed.

“What happened?”

“She just didn’t want to show up anymore. Not surprised that she called in last minute to call it quits. You have to be a pleasant person to work here, and she was anything but pleasant.”

I couldn’t come back from that. It was pretty much true.

I got home. I was lonely, and I wanted to play my cello. So I unlocked the silver beat-up case I have had since middle school (I guess now that I have an actual job, I can save up to buy a new one) and took out my 1776 Stradivarius cello. The school loaned it to me and then at the last minute let me have it for free. Pretty sweet deal considering Stradivariuses are extremely expensive and valuable instruments.

I tried to play some Bach, but after a few measures I didn’t feel inspired. Then I just started playing random notes, kind of just fucking around on the instrument, and I realized I was straight-up improvising.

I immediately wrote down the music on some old unused pieces of blank sheet music I got from the Internet, and titled it, “F My Life.”