Category: Uncategorized

Movie Review: Dunkirk

A couple of weeks ago I watched the movie Dunkirk, which came out in 2017 from Warner Bros. I heard about it and had seen Christopher Nolan’s films Inception and Interstellar, but I hadn’t seen Dunkirk yet. It was actually a really good movie. It stars Fionn Whitehead, Harry Styles, Kenneth Branagh, Barry Keoghan, and other actors. I had seen Mark Rylance in Bridge of Spies. I knew Harry Styles from his music, but I hadn’t seen him act before. He was really good in this movie. I also really love that Tom Hardy was in this film because I saw him in Inception and he was really good in it.

The film reminded me of this film by Sam Mendes called 1917. Even though Dunkirk took place during World War II and 1917 takes place during World War I, both of these films capture the horrors of war. 1917 I’m pretty sure gave me nightmares I think just because the way they shot the movie was so unique; it looked as if it was all just one shot, so I only saw what was going on from the perspective of the two soldiers (William Schofield and Tom Blake) who have to go on a mission to deliver an important message. In the film, there was one scene that stuck with me where William and Tom are walking alone through a field of flowers on their way to deliver the message on the other side, and they talk about earning medals of honor for their service. They talk about how the medal means nothing to them because of the disillusionment and trauma they have witnessed on the battlefield. It reminded me of this piece I played in high school called Cello Concerto in E Minor by English composer Edward Elgar. Elgar wrote this concerto in the aftermath of World War I and was disillusioned by the war’s destruction on society, and in this concerto he conveys a lot of this hopelessness and disillusionment. In particular, the first movement of the piece conveys these feelings, opening with a bold mournful peal of anger from the cello because so many men lost their lives in the war and everyone dealt with trauma and anxiety about the future. Every time I practice the first movement of the concerto or listen to recordings of it I get chills.

That scene in 1917 stuck with me because going off to war to protect the country was noble but it also brought with it a lot of shell shock and horrors that stayed with many people, and it was literally a life-or-death battle for many people. In Downton Abbey some of the staff fight in World War I and they hire someone new on the staff who deals with shell shock after fighting in the war. Because this was before extensive mental health counseling and few people had adequate language to talk about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) they couldn’t really know how to support or encourage the staff member and he was soon let go. After the soldiers are evacuated from Dunkirk, there is a huge celebration and when Alex and Tommy are on the train heading back to England they read the paper and find a huge headline celebrating the soldiers being evacuated from Dunkirk. As they rid the train people hand them food and other nice things and they cannot believe their eyes. However, as heroic as the ending was I am sure that they couldn’t erase a lot of the suffering they endured while trapped on the beaches of Dunkirk from their memories. I am glad I saw the film Dunkirk because I watched the movie Darkest Hour and while it talks about Dunkirk, the focus is on Winston Churchill’s time in office and how he handled the evacuation from Dunkirk so I didn’t actually see what the war was like for those soldiers trapped at Dunkirk. There was a key scene towards the end of the film when Alex and the other soldiers are being evacuated from Dunkirk, and an older blind man expresses his appreciation to them for their service, and Alex says that all they did was survive, but the man responds by telling him that even just surviving is enough. This was powerful because it showed that because war was a serious battle between life and death, even just the fact that they made it out alive was enough. They didn’t have to do anything flashy or extravagant to seem like heroes; them making it out alive when so many other men were killed in battle was courageous in and of itself.

Seeing this film from the perspective of Buddhism helped, because the Buddhism I practice is based on the Mahayana teaching called the Lotus Sutra, which teaches respect for the dignity of each person’s life. Each person’s life has such precious immeasurable potential, and so I think watching Dunkirk from a Buddhist lens helped because I was thinking about what the blind man told Alex and thought about my own grapplings with life and death, and how Buddhism helped me appreciate my life through developing a more profound understanding of life and death. I haven’t fought in a war so I cannot imagine what the soldiers who were evacuated from Dunkirk went through, but there have been times when I was in a dark place in life and wondered whether my life had meaning, but after practicing Buddhism I have developed more appreciation for my life even when the day may not seem glamorous. Absolute happiness means that life itself is a joy. When I practice Buddhism I feel this what we call life condition deep from within me, and even when I am doing daily stuff like going to the grocery store, clocking in at work, or eating dinner, I can take time to appreciate each day of my life. I think dealing with depression was an experience in learning how to appreciate my life because in Buddhism we talk about the mutual possession of the Ten Worlds, which means that even though people have different conditions of life they operate in and react to different situations based on these life states, at the core of their lives is this life state of Buddhahood, which is the unlimited potential of each person’s life. Hell is the lowest life condition, and when I am in a life condition of Hell it feels that life itself is suffering. When I operate from that life condition and don’t transform it through my Buddhist practice I resort to complaining, blaming my environment and feeling powerless. In a life condition of Hell I resort to apathy, anger, resentment and hopelessness. War is a larger-scale manifestation of the world of Hell because it involves the taking of people’s lives and a lot of destruction. On a smaller scale when I am in the depths of my depression I experience the life condition of Hell but when I practice Buddhism, even though I may be in a life condition of suffering I can elevate that life condition so that even when I am suffering, I can still appreciate life itself and the little things in life I often take for granted. It is still a process to appreciate my life, but Buddhism has allowed me to transform my life condition each day. That was kind of a tangent that wasn’t totally related to Dunkirk but it was a thought that popped up while I watched the movie.

Movie Review: Summer of Soul

This past weekend I watched an incredible film by musician and producer Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson of music group The Roots called Summer of Soul (…Or When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised.) It is a documentary about the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival, which featured African-American musicians and celebrated Black culture. The festival featured musicians such as Nina Simone, Sly and the Family Stone, Stevie Wonder, The Fifth Dimension, Mahalia Jackson and Mavis Staples. People who went to the festival and who performed at the festival talked about how incredible it was, and especially during a time of upheaval and trauma. During this time, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Malcolm X were assassinated and the Black Panther Party was being established. It was really sad to hear that this footage wasn’t shown for many years; I hadn’t seen the footage before and I wasn’t even born when they had the Harlem Cultural Festival. Honestly if I hadn’t seen this film I wouldn’t have known about the Harlem Cultural Festival. It went on one hundred miles from the Woodstock Festival, which many people know about either because they went to it or because we studied about it in U.S. history class, and yet the festival footage was left to collect dust until Questlove directed the documentary. I grew up seeing plenty of footage from Woodstock because it was so ubiquitous, but it’s a bummer I hadn’t seen the Harlem Cultural Festival before. But I am so grateful to Questlove for putting this movie out there so that I could appreciate the music and the festival footage.

There was no way I was sitting through this movie and not dancing. The music was so groovy, and especially when Stevie Wonder performed a song called “Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Ba-Day” and he was really getting into the music. During this time period music was therapy for Black communities because people didn’t have a whole bunch of access to therapy or mental health resources, so people sang to express pain and hope for a better future. Seeing Mahalia Jackson singing in the documentary gave me goosebumps because she is just such a powerhouse. I remember studying about musical traditions in the Black Church, but when you actually see performances of Black Church music it is a really incredible experience. I really loved Sly and the Family Stone because they brought so much energy to their performance, and I loved their outfits. It would have been such an incredible experience to attend this festival.

One part of the film that interested me was that they showed footage of Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, and a white reporter visited the Harlem Cultural Festival and saw that most people weren’t sitting in front of the television watching Armstrong land on the moon, but instead attending the festival. When the reporter asked the people at the festival what they thought of Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, many people said that there were bigger issues to worry about, namely poverty, crime and drugs in the Black community and how the government spent all this money on the moon mission that could have gone to helping people in the Black community gain access to resources. This was another perspective for me to think about, because growing up I would watch TV shows and read books and Neil Armstrong landing on the moon in 1969 was definitely a huge event, but I didn’t think about the disadvantage of the mission, which was the cost to go and how that money could have gone to address a lot of the class and racial inequalities in American society.

Nina Simone’s performance was especially incredible because I love Nina Simone. Her music has this raw power to it that runs through my body like electricity. When she performed she had her hair stacked in braids and wrapped up really high and this gorgeous daishiki-looking dress, and she just brought so much power to her playing the piano and singing. She recited a poem about being Black and proud and had the audience participate in a call and response as she was singing and reciting the poem over music. The film also talked about how the word “Black” was offensive at the time, but during the festival the songs encouraged people to have pride in being “Black.” Black people were called “Negro” before, but there were songs called “Say It Loud I’m Black and I’m Proud” and “To Be Young, Gifted and Black” that celebrated being Black. I love Nina’s music. I remember when I was either in high school or college I listened to one of her albums that I checked out from the library and I fell in love with her music, especially the song “Sinnerman.”

It was really interesting to learn about the history during the time of the festival, and how the festival was a chance to bring people together. There weren’t just Black people at the festival, but also white people and people of other races. They featured Puerto Rican musicians like Ray Barretto and I love how he and the other musicians jammed on the drums. I also loved seeing Gladys Knight and the Pips because I love “Midnight Train to Georgia” and hadn’t seen much early footage of her performances. Watching the footage of the festival gave me much more appreciation for the legacies of Motown and African-American culture and music. After watching the movie I couldn’t stop listening to “Shoo-Be-Doo-BeDoo-Da-Day” by Stevie Wonder because it is just such an amazing song.

Scenes from Bridgerton

I’m probably getting a lot of details wrong, but I didn’t take notes while watching the show so my thoughts here are pretty jumbled up:

-the scenes where the Duke (Simon) and Daphne are having fierce sex. Honestly this is the most intense sex I have seen in a while.

-Daphne and Simon are in town and there are three large pigs that people are betting on. Daphne decides to declare a tie so that no single pig wins. Later on a very pregnant woman in the village tells Daphne that no one wants to acknowledge her because she declared the tie for the pigs and that meant the farmers in the village lost money.

-Marina marries Colin and Penelope is jealous. She goes through Marina’s stuff to show that George (the guy who Marina fell in love with and the father of Marina’s child, who is abroad in Spain) misses Marina and doesn’t actually want to dump her, but Marina by this point is hellbent on marrying Colin. She soon finds out Penelope also loves Colin and she basically tells Penelope to deal with it. Unfortunately, Marina’s illegitimate pregnancy makes Lady Whistledown’s headlines and the Featherington family must carry their heads in shame. Eloise at first tries to help Penelope by distracting her one night. The night Eloise comes over is the night Marina admits her feelings for Colin and Penelope is secretly jealous. Eloise wants to tell Penelope she is figuring out who Lady Whistledown is but because Penelope is heartbroken she snaps at Eloise that she (Penelope) needs to go to sleep and now is not a good time to talk. Eloise is clearly heartbroken that Penelope yelled at her and won’t tell her what is going on.

-Eloise goes to Madame Delacroix because Mrs. Bridgerton (Violet) is getting her to try on dresses for when she gets married but Eloise doesn’t see marriage as a priority. Earlier, Madame Delacroix tries to ban Marina and Portia (Lady Featherington) from trying on a dress for Marina, but Marina starts talking to Madame Delacroix in rapid fluent French because Madame Delacroix’s French accent is fake. I found this out in one of the earlier episodes because her friend, Siena, comes over and Madame Delacroix drops her French accent and talks in her regular British accent.

-Queen Charlotte is married to a white man who probably has dementia. When she joins him for dinner, the King asks what happened to Amelia, their daughter, and Queen Charlotte reminds him that Amelia died of illness years ago and the King looks up at her and accuses her of killing Amelia and calls her a bitch and knocks his plate of dinner down on the floor, prompting her to leave the room in sheer fear.

-Daphne is excited to have kids but she is sad because she knows the Duke can’t give her kids. When they are having sex, Daphne suddenly positions herself on top of Simon to see if she can get pregnant and then she finds out that Simon isn’t impotent, he just doesn’t want kids. Anthony goes to Madame Delacroix’s looking for Siena, the opera singer soprano he often sleeps with, but she (Madame Delacroix) informs Anthony that Siena left town and doesn’t need to depend on Anthony’s money. Earlier, Anthony comes to Siena because he is still attracted to her, and they try to have passionate sex again but they end up breaking it off and Siena realizes she will never achieve the same status as Anthony and they can’t keep playing this game with each other when they are not meant for each other.

-After Marina’s pregnancy makes it to Lady Whistledown’s column, Portia and her daughters are banned from the party and kicked out. Earlier Marina meets with Colin and he is upset she didn’t tell him about her pregnancy. He thinks if she just told him earlier he would still love her. I wonder if Penelope is going to use this to seize her chance to tell Colin she loves him. The Duke and Anthony are about to have a duel before Simon leaves London, and they are about to position themselves for the duel, but Daphne finds out from Colin where they are and she intervenes, telling them to stop. Daphne insists on marrying the Duke but he tries to tell her he wouldn’t be good for her because he won’t be able to give her any children. When they move in together after getting married, Daphne often roams around the palace, which she and Simon try to make huge decorations and adjustments to. Simon, however, is managing the finances of the people in the village and always working in his office. Simon and Daphne have sex pretty much everywhere when they move into their new residence- they have it on the lawn, outside near the pond, pretty much anywhere because they know it’s their house. Even if there might be servants watching, they still talk about a lot of their personal lives and have sex outside.

Two of My Favorite SNL sketches

In junior year of college I was pretty depressed to be honest. I had moved into a new dormitory and thought I would be so happy to get my own single-occupancy room, but I didn’t realize I had depression until that year. It was a huge battle with myself and my inner darkness, and I didn’t understand how important it was to seek professional help when in crisis. During this time I chanted a lot to make it through, and one thing that helped me get through this painful time was watching a lot of Saturday Night Live sketches. I don’t remember the exact first time I watched SNL, but I definitely remember that and the web series Awkward Black Girl became my comedy go-to’s that year. During the holidays, when I felt lonely and depressed, I watched some of these sketches and they helped bring some light to me in my time of darkness:

  1. “White Christmas”: The sketch came out in 2013 and I don’t think I saw it until my junior year. Of course, the sketch didn’t come without its controversy, and frankly after finishing the sketch I don’t remember if I laughed or was just really confused. In summary, the sketch is a trailer about a white woman (played by Cecily Strong) who has all kinds of stress in her life, including her house being foreclosed on. The Black realtor (played by Jay Pharaoh, a former SNL cast member) tells her her house is being foreclosed on, and the woman is desperate. She packs up her car and goes with her white son, Rasheed (played by Kyle Mooney), to her Mama Ruth’s house for the holidays. The voiceover person says that the movie is a Black holiday movie for white audiences, featuring tropes such as women snapping peas at a table and laughing, a gun-toting grandma spun off of Madea (played by Paul Rudd) and a white guy wearing a necklace over a turtleneck. The scene cuts to a group of white women talking and one of them (Aidy Bryant) takes a line straight from a Black holiday movie that men will leave Black women for white women. The waiter at their table (Kenan Thomson) looks into the camera and gives a side-eye, like “You are white. This is laughable that you would even say such a line.” The trailer also features white people singing in a gospel choir, led by the hilarious Mike O’Brien (the guy wearing the sweater over the turtleneck) with Bobby Moynihan doing the most passionate singing out of all the other white gospel singers. And there is a scene where a group of white men in black clothes and Fedora hats dances to New Kids on the Block, and the white women watching them at home are screaming and one of them throws a red thong at one of the dancers (this is a parody of a dance scene from The Best Man Holiday where the men dance to “Can You Stand the Rain.” Up to that point I hadn’t seen The Best Man Holiday yet so I had to look up the trailer to understand the reference.) The voiceover person reads the critic reviews; one says “Finally, a holiday movie for white people.” Another says, “For the first time I talked to the screen and it felt great.” The third review is from Vibe magazine and it says “Can’t we have anything?” And the last review calls White Christmas, “the Macklemore of movies.” (if you don’t know the reference, Macklemore is a white rapper from Seattle.) The sketch ends with the voiceover person saying the actor’s names; they are all Paul Rudd, and the scene cuts to Jay Pharaoh looking in the camera with a deadpan expression as the person introduces him as Paul Rudd, when clearly he is not Paul Rudd. Jay Pharaoh throws his hands up to the ceiling and asks “Are we gonna get in trouble for this?”
  2. “Sump’n Claus”: the sketch opens up with Pete Davidson and Jay Pharaoh talking about their Christmas. Jay asks Pete if he is excited for Christmas, but Pete says he doesn’t think he will get anything from Santa since he hasn’t been on his nice list, but Jay says he can always expect something from Sump’n Claus. Sump’n Claus (Kenan Thompson) is Black Santa, and he is out to make sure every white person who does crazy shit gets what they want for Christmas. Along with the help of his lovely backup elf singers (Cecily Strong and Sasheer Zamata) he raps first about a woman named Sheila (Vanessa Bayer) who got in a fight with her husband (Kyle Mooney) and slashed his tires when he left her. Sump’n Claus hands her money even though she did something bad. He then sings about a man named Marcus who is dealing with so much stress at his job and then blows up at everyone, smashing his computer and then getting fired and arrested. When he leaves the elevator with his stuff packed in a box to leave the job, Sump’n Claus goes up to him, and gives him free cash. Sump’n Claus jokes that he can’t tell where he got the money from, and then tells a story about how he worked at the North Pole for Santa, and one day Mrs. Claus (Aidy Bryant) started flirting with him and Santa caught them in the act. Honestly this sketch was hilarious.

Moving In

Written on 1/23/21

It all started out with an email
I was missing you.
You were missing me.
We were missing each other
When I was around you
I felt so free
Like I was racing through the sky on Cloud 9
You live in the city of dreams
The concrete jungle
I remember my visit there in the summer of 2017
It felt like i had taken a fresh breath of air
The yellow taxis, the Times Square
The green lady statue standing alone in the middle of the sea
It was just so free to be me
In the big apple city
Months passed without word from each other
I wanted to give you time
But my heart ached and ached
With a pain worse than I have ever felt in my life
I imagined us having children, being your wife
It was a beautiful fantasy of life
In my future
And it gnawed on me like a 6,000 year old beast
Dripping black blood each time it bit into the flesh of my lonely heart
With its long ancient yellowed teeth
This fantasy savored the delicacy of my emotions
Smiled each time it took a savory bite
It salted them, sautéed them, enjoyed them in a sweet and sour sauce
But we're in a pandemic and i don't want you to get sick
Just in case i am asymptomatic
I also don't know where you rest on the social distancing rules
And yet when i wake up
The song of you
The paean of my passion for you
Plays perpetually in my mind
And all time
Is gone
As i think and think and think of you
Finally i can take it no longer
I book a ticket
To come to see you in the wilderness
Of skyscrapers and artist dreams
On the flight i call myself stupid
For being so in love with you
For feeling all these mushy feelings
And not being able to understand
Why i am just feeling them now
After so many years of keeping them buried under the surface
The pain of not being with you throbs at me
It shakes me
Until my head is spinning
My travel is a fuck you to new social norms
I know i am rebelling against what society wants me to do (e.g. not travel)
But my head is filled with you and that's all
I can think about
My animal instincts take over
I wondered whether I could still call myself an asexual
After my sexual attraction for you grew and grew until
It suddenly and unexpectedly blossomed right before my eyes
My love for you is a monster that haunts me in the night
It came running for me, snuck under my bed
And when i got up to get a midnight snack
Of leftover chocolate cake
The beast grabbed me
And begged me to see you
Or else risk becoming its prey forever.

6:00 pm I am leaving JFK airport
With my suitcase and cello in hand
I pass the brownstones
The busy streets
The passerby wearing PPE
The ambulances racing past with covid patients
And my mind races back again to
You are stupid
Why the fuck are you doing this
You could have waited 
You could have said no
You weren't ready for children yet
You were too young to know what love is
Besides you're asexual
You're not supposed to fall in love
My mind fights back
With all sorts of sassy responses
As i watch the riveting rain fall on the window panes
Of the taxi.
The rain falls like the tears falling from my heart
By feelings of homesickness for you
I walk up the brownstone 
Pay the driver
I knock on the door
You open
And i kiss you
Wide mouthed
Without any common sense or regard for social distancing
What the hell am i thinking? i ask myself.
I scream this question in my head
As you settle into the kiss
Lock your lips with mine
Your grizzly brown stubble grazes my smooth brown cheek
And your tongue plays mind games inside my mouth
You lace your right hand around the back of my head
And lace your life hand around my waist
Your arm settles on the seat of my derriere
And your hand navigates its way around the left and right of my ass
You sigh with pleasure
"This feels good"
I feel you tip toe back
Tip toe
tip
toe
tip
toe
Til the lighting gets darker
And we now wrestle
Like lovesick canines
With each other's hair
Each other's bodies
I feel a gentle tugging of my shirt  
My hands gently lift your woolen sweater 
We take turns being gracious to one another
Oxytocin breathes a sigh of relief 
And lets it all hang out like a brickhouse 
As we enjoy the release of the oxytocin
And cling our naked bodies to each other
Your body heat a blanket warmer than your woolen sweater 
Our eyes close 
Our lips stay locked
I feel a sudden painful lump in my throat
A lump i cannot swallow
It is a boulder lying in my esophagus 
That won’t budge unless i release all of the emotional pent-up pain i feel
At having been gone from you for so long 
A fresh stream of hot tears falls down my face
And my body heaves with the muscle spasms 
And rise and fall of my lungs 
As they struggle to breathe 
Suffocating under the raging river of tears 
Bitter pain 
I feel your callused thumb brush away the tears with a whisper
You slowly release your lips from mine 
“It’s ok”
I let myself continue to let it all out 
Eyes blocking out anything but memories of long distance love 
Thought to have been too little and too late
I cannot see you at the moment
Because i wrap myself, snuggle in the barbed wire blanket of 
My pain. 
The sound of my sobbing silences itself 
As we bask in the quiet intimacy of our chemistry 
With one another 
-I am sorry
-for what?
-for not getting the signs
-What signs
-that you loved me
-i didn’t want you to love me until you were ready 

I look away 
And sit in silence 
My head lolls 
My eyes close 
We fall asleep together 
Intertwined like two ivy vines 
On a college tower

Is It Love (written on 1/22/21)

Is this what I am feeling true love?
You looking at me up and down like I was a whole dessert
A slice of black forest cake
You wanted to eat out
Me looking at you
With flutterflies in my stomach
As I played my cello
My heart sang a song of you
And danced that night in the bliss of the intimate concert hall

Not knowing why I couldn't finish
My breakfast in the morning
My fork gliding through the archipelagos
Of fresh scrambled tofu in a sea of ketchup
The tongs unable to make their way to my mouth
Love was a 36-week-old fetus
Taking up space in my belly that morning
Breathing all the air out of my lungs
Heartbeat beating faster than my own
The second I walk in the room
You give me a smile, look me up and down
"Hot damn" races through your mind.
These feelings make me so light headed
That I feel dizzy, love-sick to my stomach
I vomit all the feelings of love that remain
Jumbled in my heart
Wound up like a 1,000 year old screw.
All night i think about your last letter
You life in another city
Love took reign
And reigned Bey-Supreme
Over my heart
I practically wrote a novel
In response to you
And as my pen raced across the pages
Shitting trails of black ink on the way to the finish line
My heart sang, "O happy day"
Louder than any angels ever sang.
My heart raced at presto speed
A galloping horse
And I found myself drowning in the 
Quicksand of love
As i lay in my bed sleeping
My eyes open
Pondering
I wonder: is this love or a mere fantasy

I conjured from our past interactions
You stole my heart
Then mentioned your love
My heart sighed in relief 
Feeling happiness for you and your love
I later got my own
during a hot night of chai and chatter in
The land of saris and samosas.
I am cool.
You are cool.
We are friends
But can we ever rekindle that magic spark
That night
When your eyes caressed my breast, hips, thighs, dark brown eyes?
When i sat alone in my dorm in the beautiful April
Self-harm scars faded from a fall semester
Of self-hate and suicidal ideations
I wrote of fantasies, dreams, imaginations
Of you kissing my taut dark-skinned belly
Caressing it every time our unborn child
Communicated his existence with kicks and punches
You coo softly to my stomach, whispering words of love and hope
To a biracial child
Soon to awaken in a world
Where the first Indian-Black-Female VP runs the
White House with a leader who also 
Fights for justice and respect for the dignity of life.
We lock lips and have a beautiful conversation
A conversation that transforms so delicately
Into a nonverbal dialogue
Of intimacy
Physical attraction
Sensual pleasures.
You get a handful of my chocolate cakes
And you're in heaven
You taste dark-milk-honey-caramel chocolate
As you nibble my lips
You wipe away my salted caramel tears
And nibble on my Duncan Hines ears
"Mmmmmmmm," you whisper as if you were 
Speaking into an ASMR microphone.

Then I imagine everything that might go wrong

Stillborn, umbilical cord wrapped around the neck
A new mother and father's lived nightmare
Fights in the kitchen end up with bruises and black eyes
Broken dishes strewn around the room
Our son standing there, watching, observing
Wondering why his parents
Yell words filled with acid at each other instead of words filled with love
A chance encounter with the pretty
Brunette standing behind you in the grocery
Store line
Becomes a one-night stand
Back at her studio apartment
And a white, fair-skinned, straight-haired baby that got achance at life
That our son did not.
A flirtation with another guy I just met
At a company party
Becomes a one night stand with me
You watching the clock to no avail
waiting for me to come home
So we can put the kiddo to bed.
Or both of us simply get tired of each other.
Those memories of being infatuated are thin air.
You get back with your ex
Get married, have kids, retire
Nice life 
While I'm nursing the memories of my unbridled passion
Swaddling the crying, pooping, smelly, ga-ga-ing
Mess of love
The burden of betrayal
Is this love permanent?
Or just a thing of the past?

Los tesoros del corazon

(escrito en el 15 de deciembre 2020)

Los tesoros de la corazón 

Son brillantes 

Tengo un tesoro azul 

Que me dice “eres hermosa, eres simpatica, eres excelente.”

Cuando entono Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

El tesoro de mi vida resplende como una luz brillante

Dinero es bueno 

Y necesitas vivir con dinero

Pero los tesoros de la corazón 

Son las riquezas ciertas

Necesito hacer mi revolución humana 

Para compartir mis tesoros de mi corazón 

Mi felicidad

Mi agradecimiento

Mi amistad por la humanidad

Con otros. 

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo es un tesoro 

Y este tesoro es mi vida. 

The Crawfish Boil

It was the summer of 2008 and we were celebrating the campaign of Barack Obama in our Southern town. It was 12 o’ clock and my family and I were visiting a family friend who invited us to her crawfish boil. As a huge fan of seafood I couldn’t wait. My mom put on her pearl necklace and her bright yellow summer dress. I love my mother; she is so pretty, with her strawberry blonde hair in waves and her full lips. Dad was so lucky he married her.

“You ready?” she asked me.

I nodded. Mariana, my sister, wouldn’t be coming because she was at a friend’s house.

We walked down the block. Mrs. Weathers, the family friend, didn’t live too far away, only five minutes down the block. Even from down the block I could smell the Cajun spices and the barbeque. It tantalized my taste-buds and my olfactory senses.

Mrs. Weathers came out and I saw she was heavily pregnant. Her bump swelled under her turquoise maternity summer dress, and she wore these beautiful white-rimmed sunglasses. She put the sunglasses atop her head, and walked over to us.

“Hiiiii!!!!” she squealed as she and my mom hugged.

My mom let go after five minutes and she introduced me.

“This is Kayla,” she said, nodding for me to shake Mrs. Weathers’ hand.

“Nice to meet you,” I nodded, staring at her bump.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Kayla!” she gushed in her Southern drawl. “Please dig in! We’ve just started cooking the burgers.”

A tall tanned gentleman with wavy black hair and a wide toothy grin turned to us as he grilled juicy hamburgers. A table piled high with steaming crawfish, corn on the cob dripping with butter, and a bowl of creamy potato salad called to me.

“Help yourself!” he laughed as he saw my hungry expression, his eyes darting to the table.

“Thank you,” I said shyly, becoming more aware of my manners.

Mom handed me a plate, and I piled it high with food. She leaned over to me, and whispered “Save some for others. You don’t want people to think you are greedy.”

I sighed.

“Yes, Mom.”

I have always been a little overweight and I understand my mom was trying to help me lose some pounds, but I couldn’t help feeling self-conscious. I went over to Mrs. Weathers.

“Excuse me, ma’am, do you know where the drinks are?”

“Oh!” she laughed. “Come on with me, I can show you!” She motioned for me to come into the kitchen. On the linoleum floor sat a cooler full of perspiring cans of soda taking a bath in a melted pool of ice. I kneeled down and picked up a chilly can of Seven-Up.

“So do you work?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am, I work at Chili’s part-time.”

“Please, hon, call me Stacy!” she guffawed. “‘Mrs. Weathers’ or ‘ma’am’ makes me feel so doggone old.”

I tried to force a grin. Calling her anything other than her last name or a polite Southern title felt awkward.

“How is the school year going?”

“It’s ok. Algebra is challenging but my teacher is nice.”

“What’s her name?”

“Mrs. Rizzolo.”

“Oh!” she clapped her hands excitedly. “She and I are good friends. Her and her daughter live across the street from us. She had the flu though, so she couldn’t make it to the barbeque today. Poor thing, bless her heart. I called her to see if she was coming, and she had just finished puking in the toilet..”

I nearly gagged on my 7Up.

“Oh, sorry, that was a bit TMI.”

“It’s ok,” I coughed.

“Oh!” she laughed, putting her hands on her round stomach. “That was an elbow.”

I knew she was talking about the unborn baby.

“May I touch it?” I asked.

“Yes, of course!” she smiled. I placed my hand on her belly, and felt a sharp jab against my hand. It felt weird, like an alien was inside her.

“Does it hurt?”

“It’s rather uncomfortable at times, especially when I am sleeping. She kicks more after I eat ice cream, for some weird reason. That’s one of my cravings, by the way. The other day I had a whole tub of Ben n’ Jerry’s by myself. I felt so bad,” she laughed. “But you get used to it. If you’re wondering it’s a girl,” she winked. “Todd and I just found out this week when I went for my ultrasound.”

“What will you name her?” I asked.

“We haven’t decided yet. Maybe Elizabeth or Caitlyn.”

After a few moments, I didn’t feel anything. I took my hand away from her stomach.

“Sorry, I didn’t know if it was uncomfortable for you to have me touch your stomach.”

“Oh, no, darling! You don’t have to apologize at ALL!” she laughed. She placed a hand gently on my shoulder. “But I appreciate you asking. Your mother clearly brought you up with good manners.”

Good manners or not, I still felt like a perv.

We went back out, Mrs. Weathers cradling her bump as we walked. Mom was sitting with Mr. and Mrs. Rose, who wore Barack Obama “Yes We Can” buttons on their T-shirts. They sat around the table with half-finished plates of potato salad. A few flies danced around the mounds of greasy chicken bones and crawfish skeletons with shredded skin.

Mom turned to me.

“Where were you?”

“Oh…”

“Don’t worry, Sherri! I was just showing Kayla where the drinks were.”

Mom nodded.

Mr. Rose checked his watch.

“I am so sorry, Sherri and Stacy, but we gotta head to pick up our son from baseball practice.” Mr. and Mrs. Rose got up from their chairs, and embraced my mom in huge hugs. Then they went over to Mrs. Weathers and gave her hugs, too.

“Congratulations, Stacy!”

Mrs. Weathers beamed.

“Thank you so much, John! Patricia, thank you both for coming. Tell Little Earnest good luck for me.”

“We will!” they waved and trudged towards their silver minivan parked outside on the side street.

I went over to the table, which was running out of food.

“Oh, I saved your plate,” Mr. Weathers came over to me. “I saw you put it down and didn’t want it to get cold.”

I gently took it from him. That was really sweet of him.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Haha, please, call me Todd.”

I nodded. I went over to a table and sat with Stephanie and Rachel, two of my classmates in Mr. Brian’s English class. They sat and coolly watched a young blonde man standing and talking to 95-year old Mr. Paterson.

“Jesus, he is so fucking hot.” Stephanie licks her lips, and sips her Diet Coke. “I would totally tap that.”

“Is that Jesse? I thought he was dating Erica Brien,” Rachel said, turning to Stephanie.

Stephanie shrugs, then smirks.

“I heard they were breaking up. Apparently, Erica slept with Ricky on the basketball team and everyone found out all over social media…”

She lolls her head over to mine and giggles.

I continued to listen to them as they shared their fantasies about fucking Jesse. I really had nothing else to do and nowhere to be. Clara hadn’t scheduled me for any shifts today. I grabbed one of the crawfish from my plate. It was lukewarm, but I bit into the spicy flesh of that tiny crustacean and my mouth lit on millions of fires. I hurriedly spooned some potato salad in my mouth. I felt embarrassed, but Rachel and Stephanie weren’t really paying attention to me. They were probably too busy checking out Jesse’s Instagram to care.

Movie Review: C’mon, C’mon

So I first heard of this movie because I am subscribed to the A24 films email list, and when they come out with a new movie they share a trailer in the email. I came across this trailer for C’mon, C’mon, and it was so heartfelt that I wanted to watch it. Thankfully, I found it at the library a couple of days ago and checked it out. The film is shot in black and white, similar to Frances Ha, another film that was also shot in black and white. Also, I love the new Lionsgate Films theme song (it’s a random and small detail, but I have started getting into film music and after watching all these movies to write these reviews I have started falling in love with theme music.). I love the old one too, but I also love this one.

The movie opens in Detroit, Michigan, and a man named Johnny is interviewing young people about their lives and what they think about social issues and the future. Some of the kids talk about how they are worried about climate change, others worry about loneliness. One of the youth they interview talks about how people make all these assumptions about Detroit but she tells them that they have never lived in the city, and she has lived there her entire life. Some kids talk about how they are anxious about the future, some are hopeful. Johnny is also taking care of his aging mother with his sister, Viv, and both of them argue about the challenges of taking care of her. Viv is married to Paul, who recently got a new position with the San Francisco Symphony and moved to Oakland, but is finding the transition challenging. Viv is left to take care of their son, Jesse, who is sensitive and is, like so many other youth, trying to make sense of the world. Johnny visits Viv and Jesse and spends time with them, and Viv has Johnny watch Jesse while she is taking care of Paul. Over the course of the film, Johnny and Jesse strike up a beautiful and profound friendship.

One of the main themes of the film is the connections between children and adults. Johnny’s work involves interviewing kids about serious issues and getting them to think about what they envision for the future, to give them a platform to have their voices heard. At the same time, he is also navigating his relationship with Jesse, who isn’t as open at first to talking about his feelings with Johnny. Jesse ends up interviewing Johnny about his life. In one scene, Johnny is reading The Wizard of Oz to Jesse to put him to sleep, and Jesse interrupts him by asking why he isn’t married. Johnny pauses, wondering whether he should tell Jesse, but he tells him what happened in a way that Jesse will understand. Jesse also develops a deep friendship with Johnny, especially because they are not around Viv so Johnny allows Jesse to behave in ways Viv probably wouldn’t want him to. When Johnny takes Jesse to a restaurant with Roxanne and Fernando, the people who conduct the interviews with him, Jesse tries eating his ice cream before he finishes his dinner but Johnny tells him to eat his dinner before eating dessert. Jesse stays up late at night because he has had a lot of sugar from the ice cream, and gets upset with Johnny for letting him eat the ice cream since his mom wouldn’t let him have all that sugar. When they are in the convenience store, Jesse finds a toothbrush that lights up and sings, but Johnny tells him he cannot have it. Jesse ends up getting lost in the store and Johnny freaks out because he doesn’t know where he is, and asks everyone in the store where Jesse is. Jesse finally runs into him with the singing toothbrush and busts up laughing and making fun of Johnny, and Johnny raises his voice at him, telling him to stop, but Jesse yells at him right back. When Johnny calls Viv, she tells him that she hates it when Jesse doesn’t do what she says, and when she finds out Johnny let him have ice cream and that Jesse is overstimulated, she tells him she loves Jesse even when does things that annoy her, such as talking about random stuff all the time. I think I related a lot to this because I was a teacher at a daycare and honestly I wasn’t that great of a teacher. My first day I thought, Oh these kids are so cute, and I loved reading books to them, but I had such a hard time controlling the class. When kids would get into fights over toys or a kid would randomly start lashing out at me, I wouldn’t tell them to stop. I often let the more experienced teachers step in because I feared making the kids cry if I yelled at them or told them to stop hitting each other or doing things they weren’t supposed to. I’m sure that I shouldn’t let that one experience prevent me from pursuing a teaching career or being a substitute teacher if I ever need another job, especially because it was a long time ago, but what that experience taught me is that teachers deserve all the respect. Looking back, I probably would have read up on books related to teaching and interacting with toddlers just so I knew how to handle certain situations with more calm.

The interviews also take place in other cities: Los Angeles, New York City, and New Orleans. Jesse and Viv live in Los Angeles, and when Johnny is visiting them in Los Angeles, he shows Jesse his recording equipment and has Jesse wear it and test it out while they are walking along the beach. When they are sitting on the sand, Johnny asks Jesse if he has been to New York City, and Jesse tells him he hasn’t been before. Johnny says he should come with him to help him record his interviews, and Jesse agrees. However, when Johnny tells Viv that he invited Jesse to New York City, Viv is upset because Johnny should have gotten her permission before asking Jesse to come since she is his mom. When they are in New York, Johnny, Roxanne and Fern interview children of immigrant families, and they discuss many different topics: climate change, loneliness, vulnerability, bias and discrimination and isolation. One of the interviews that was really powerful was one of the kids saying that when he expressed to his parents that he felt like crying sometimes, they tell him he shouldn’t cry and that he needs to be strong. After reading Brene Brown’s books on shame resilience and vulnerability, I have been getting really interested in the subject of vulnerability, especially when dealing with my own emotional health and learning to communicate my feelings better.

There is one scene that also conveys the power of vulnerability. When Johnny and Jesse are in New Orleans, Viv calls Johnny and tells him that her husband, Paul, is recovering after being taken to a mental health facility for treatment and that Jesse can come home. When Johnny tries to put Jesse on the phone, Jesse listens as Viv tells him she is bringing him home, but then he tells Johnny he is done talking to his mom and runs off. He is upset because he has had to watch his father’s nervous breakdowns for so long and his mom not knowing how to deal with them, and after spending time with Johnny and feeling free, he doesn’t want to come back to his family. When Johnny catches up with him, he tells Jesse it is fine to not feel fine, but Jesse tells him to leave him alone and that he is fine. Jesse reiterates that it is okay to not feel okay, but Jesse yells that he is fine. Finally Johnny yells at him and tells him that it is okay to scream and feel angry, and Jesse finally gives in and yells that he is not fine. He and Johnny both kick and stomp the ground angrily, and then Jesse feels better. Johnny tells Jesse that he is better at communicating his feelings than he was before.

I really like this film because it reminds me of how important it is to give young people a chance to speak out on social issues and give them a voice. When I was younger I watched a commercial that the Ad Council did on global warming, and one of the commercials featured various kids saying “Tick, tick, tick” over and over while talking about the effects of climate change. It gave me goosebumps. There was another commercial where an older gentleman is standing on a train track and there is a train coming and he says that some say the irreversible consequences of global warming are far into the future, but that in thirty years it won’t affect him, and when he steps aside there is a young girl standing in front of the train as it approaches her. (we don’t see her get hit, but she just looks into the camera with this pained expression like “You adults failed us.”) I also thought about Greta Thunberg and so many other young people who are fighting against climate change, and about the students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida protesting gun violence. I read a lot of philosophy by a writer and philosopher named Daisaku Ikeda and in his writings he talks about raising successors, or young people to promote a society based on respect for the dignity of each person’s life, which is what my Buddhist practice is based on. In our monthly publication, Living Buddhism, there is an article about fostering successors, and in our organization we have a group for elementary, middle and high school-aged youth called the Future Division. We encourage the youth to use their Buddhist practice of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, studying the writings of Daisaku Ikeda and The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, and participating in SGI activities so they can bring forth the potential to overcome challenges in their daily lives and become happy. I feel like whenever I encourage the youth in my organization, I become happier and gain greater hope for the future. When I was watching the film, I kept thinking about the Future Division in our Buddhist organization.

Also, Johnny’s project of interviewing the youth reminded me of when we had a festival called 50,000 Lions of Justice, and to promote the festival they had promo videos where passerby in different cities such as Los Angeles, Atlanta, and Chicago were asked about something courageous they did and social issues they thought were most important. Watching these videos gave me hope for the future and empowered me to overcome my apathy and anxiety about the future. This is one of the videos I really loved:

TV show synopsis: Bridgerton, Season 1, episode 1

Last week I started watching the hit series Bridgerton. I had heard so many great things about the show, and so I wanted to watch it. Honestly it reminded me a lot of Hamilton because many of the characters are people of color. I really loved seeing how a lot of the people in the show were people of color because so far in a lot of the British period dramas I have seen most of the main characters are white. In this episode we meet the main and supporting characters and the different families and the women in the families are introduced. The young women are taken to meet Queen Charlotte (played by Golda Rosheuvel) and must win her approval. Daphne Bridgerton wins the Queen’s approval when she curtsies without fainting, unlike the previous girl who fell when she curtsied to the Queen. We meet the Duke of Hastings (Rege-Jean Page) and his father recently died, and Lady Danbury encourages him to go to the party that evening even though he is indifferent and doesn’t really care. Everyone is at this party in the evening and Anthony Bridgerton (Jonathan Bailey) escorts his sister, Daphne Bridgerton (Phoebe Dynevor), around the party and she finds herself meeting many men who are interested in her, especially after winning the Queen’s approval. One of the guys who expresses interest in marrying her is a man named Nigel, who kind of reminded me of Chester in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. For those who haven’t seen the show, in season 2 there is a guy who keeps following Susie Myerson around the Catskills resort, saying they have a lot in common even though Susie isn’t interested in him. He keeps saying to her “criss cross” to express interest in her, and she tries to avoid him repeatedly throughout the episodes in the Catskills. Daphne isn’t interested in Nigel; instead she is interested in the Duke of Hastings. The Duke has an indifferent air toward the festivities and he knows Anthony really well. Anthony is concerned because Daphne is getting so much attention from all these men. Marina Crane is another beautiful young woman who gets attention from many suitors; there are three young women in the drawing room who are sitting around and their mom is talking about their marriage prospects and they finally meet Marina and they realize they have competition. Nigel meets with Daphne and continues to express interest in marrying her but she is not interested. Anthony is dating a young opera singer named Siena and they spend evenings having passionate sex, but after dinner his mom tells him he needs to stop messing around and settle down with someone, so Anthony, while he and the girl are having sex, tells her he can’t see her again.

When in the garden, Daphne walks away from the festivities and Nigel catches up with her and continues to pursue her. She says no but he doesn’t listen and when he tries to force himself on her, she punches him out. The Duke of Hastings sees this and continues to feign indifference. Daphne is about to leave but the Duke says they should pretend they are in love (I think they are actually in love) so people can think she has accepted a suitor and is no longer available. Marina wakes up to find her bedsheet is gone. One of the lady’s maids takes it to the woman in charge of the household and she finds out Marina had sex and ended up pregnant since she hasn’t bled in a month. She kicks her out of the house and when Marina shouts at her that she doesn’t know what it’s like to go through this kind of suffering, the lady slaps her.

One thing I really love about this show is the colorful dresses and outfits. I watched Downton Abbey and the outfits they wear are more drab and dull because it is the 1900s and there were more neutral colors. I also really like it because Claudia Jessie, who plays Eloise Bridgerton in Bridgerton, is an SGI member in the UK. As an SGI member myself I found this encouraging. Another thing I loved about the show was the string quartet pieces they play. The show takes place in the 19th century but it’s cool how the pieces they play are pop pieces like Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next,” Maroon 5’s “Girls Like You,” and “bad guy” by Billie Eilish. It gives the show its uniqueness because when I see period dramas they all feature classical music.

In episode 2 we see a woman giving birth and when the baby is born, everyone is relieved that it’s a boy, but then the mother dies shortly after giving birth and Lady Danbury mourns her death. Later on we see the Duke of Hastings flash back to memories of his childhood. During his childhood his dad wanted nothing to do with him because his mom died after giving birth to him and also because he has a speech impediment and the father thinks that his son’s speech impediment makes him unworthy and useless to society. Lady Danbury tells the Duke that she is going to educate him and bring him up so he can develop more confidence in his speaking ability and become successful in society later on. The Duke goes into his dad’s office later on to show him how he has overcome his speech impediment, especially because the dad continues to neglect him and he speaks but then he starts stuttering, and then the dad once again thinks his son is a lost cause. Which is painful because he was young and facing that trauma of losing his mom and not gaining his father’s approval continued to affect his self-worth even as an adult. When Anthony, Nigel and the Duke are at another ball, Anthony is talking with Nigel about Daphne marrying him, and Nigel continues to insist that he is the perfect suitor to marry Daphne, but the Duke overhears this and says that Nigel attempted to assault Daphne and deserved to be punched by her. At first Anthony tells the Duke to mind his own business, and Daphne, while dancing with another potential suitor (the Duke and her are in love, but he doesn’t want to get married. That is what he promises his father when his father is on his deathbed), sees this exchange, but then Anthony realizes that the Duke is telling the truth and tells Nigel to stay the hell away from Daphne. When the Duke is in an alleyway, Nigel follows him and tells him off for sharing about him attacking Daphne, and the Duke tells him that Daphne doesn’t need him. Nigel brings up the Duke’s childhood in a negative way, and that provokes the Duke to punch him several times in the face (in a couple of episodes we see the Duke sparring with another guy in the boxing ring, and I thought, Damn I would not mess with this guy, even for a million dollars.) Even after getting his revenge on Nigel, the Duke is still remembering his painful childhood.

Meanwhile, Eloise is in the drawing room with Daphne, and Daphne is playing music on the pianoforte. Eloise is reading a book and trying to concentrate, so she tells Daphne to play somewhere else. Daphne says she can go outside, and Eloise tries to argue with her. After getting irritated, Eloise finally lets Daphne play her music, as long as she gives the composition a title. Penelope repeatedly goes to the mail-person to see if Marina’s lover is writing to her from Spain. Marina is confined to her room because Penelope’s mom, Portia, is ashamed of Marina’s pregnancy, especially because she is having the baby out of wedlock. She takes Marina to the low-income part of London, the neighborhood out of a Charles Dickens novel, and shows her this community because she thinks Marina will end up in poverty like them. Marina tells her that is nonsense, but Portia tries to knock common sense into Marina and tells her that the guy she loves will leave her for someone else. Marina insists that he loves her, but Portia asks her if he has written back since he had left for Spain, and this fucks up Marina badly. Portia finally one auspicious day gets a letter from Marina’s boo from Spain, and they read it but Marina is crushed because the letter reads that the boo doesn’t want anything to do with her after finding out she is having their baby. We then see that Portia and her lady’s maid forged the original letter from the guy and passed it off as a real letter.