Scenes from Bridgerton

I’m probably getting a lot of details wrong, but I didn’t take notes while watching the show so my thoughts here are pretty jumbled up:

-the scenes where the Duke (Simon) and Daphne are having fierce sex. Honestly this is the most intense sex I have seen in a while.

-Daphne and Simon are in town and there are three large pigs that people are betting on. Daphne decides to declare a tie so that no single pig wins. Later on a very pregnant woman in the village tells Daphne that no one wants to acknowledge her because she declared the tie for the pigs and that meant the farmers in the village lost money.

-Marina marries Colin and Penelope is jealous. She goes through Marina’s stuff to show that George (the guy who Marina fell in love with and the father of Marina’s child, who is abroad in Spain) misses Marina and doesn’t actually want to dump her, but Marina by this point is hellbent on marrying Colin. She soon finds out Penelope also loves Colin and she basically tells Penelope to deal with it. Unfortunately, Marina’s illegitimate pregnancy makes Lady Whistledown’s headlines and the Featherington family must carry their heads in shame. Eloise at first tries to help Penelope by distracting her one night. The night Eloise comes over is the night Marina admits her feelings for Colin and Penelope is secretly jealous. Eloise wants to tell Penelope she is figuring out who Lady Whistledown is but because Penelope is heartbroken she snaps at Eloise that she (Penelope) needs to go to sleep and now is not a good time to talk. Eloise is clearly heartbroken that Penelope yelled at her and won’t tell her what is going on.

-Eloise goes to Madame Delacroix because Mrs. Bridgerton (Violet) is getting her to try on dresses for when she gets married but Eloise doesn’t see marriage as a priority. Earlier, Madame Delacroix tries to ban Marina and Portia (Lady Featherington) from trying on a dress for Marina, but Marina starts talking to Madame Delacroix in rapid fluent French because Madame Delacroix’s French accent is fake. I found this out in one of the earlier episodes because her friend, Siena, comes over and Madame Delacroix drops her French accent and talks in her regular British accent.

-Queen Charlotte is married to a white man who probably has dementia. When she joins him for dinner, the King asks what happened to Amelia, their daughter, and Queen Charlotte reminds him that Amelia died of illness years ago and the King looks up at her and accuses her of killing Amelia and calls her a bitch and knocks his plate of dinner down on the floor, prompting her to leave the room in sheer fear.

-Daphne is excited to have kids but she is sad because she knows the Duke can’t give her kids. When they are having sex, Daphne suddenly positions herself on top of Simon to see if she can get pregnant and then she finds out that Simon isn’t impotent, he just doesn’t want kids. Anthony goes to Madame Delacroix’s looking for Siena, the opera singer soprano he often sleeps with, but she (Madame Delacroix) informs Anthony that Siena left town and doesn’t need to depend on Anthony’s money. Earlier, Anthony comes to Siena because he is still attracted to her, and they try to have passionate sex again but they end up breaking it off and Siena realizes she will never achieve the same status as Anthony and they can’t keep playing this game with each other when they are not meant for each other.

-After Marina’s pregnancy makes it to Lady Whistledown’s column, Portia and her daughters are banned from the party and kicked out. Earlier Marina meets with Colin and he is upset she didn’t tell him about her pregnancy. He thinks if she just told him earlier he would still love her. I wonder if Penelope is going to use this to seize her chance to tell Colin she loves him. The Duke and Anthony are about to have a duel before Simon leaves London, and they are about to position themselves for the duel, but Daphne finds out from Colin where they are and she intervenes, telling them to stop. Daphne insists on marrying the Duke but he tries to tell her he wouldn’t be good for her because he won’t be able to give her any children. When they move in together after getting married, Daphne often roams around the palace, which she and Simon try to make huge decorations and adjustments to. Simon, however, is managing the finances of the people in the village and always working in his office. Simon and Daphne have sex pretty much everywhere when they move into their new residence- they have it on the lawn, outside near the pond, pretty much anywhere because they know it’s their house. Even if there might be servants watching, they still talk about a lot of their personal lives and have sex outside.

Two of My Favorite SNL sketches

In junior year of college I was pretty depressed to be honest. I had moved into a new dormitory and thought I would be so happy to get my own single-occupancy room, but I didn’t realize I had depression until that year. It was a huge battle with myself and my inner darkness, and I didn’t understand how important it was to seek professional help when in crisis. During this time I chanted a lot to make it through, and one thing that helped me get through this painful time was watching a lot of Saturday Night Live sketches. I don’t remember the exact first time I watched SNL, but I definitely remember that and the web series Awkward Black Girl became my comedy go-to’s that year. During the holidays, when I felt lonely and depressed, I watched some of these sketches and they helped bring some light to me in my time of darkness:

  1. “White Christmas”: The sketch came out in 2013 and I don’t think I saw it until my junior year. Of course, the sketch didn’t come without its controversy, and frankly after finishing the sketch I don’t remember if I laughed or was just really confused. In summary, the sketch is a trailer about a white woman (played by Cecily Strong) who has all kinds of stress in her life, including her house being foreclosed on. The Black realtor (played by Jay Pharaoh, a former SNL cast member) tells her her house is being foreclosed on, and the woman is desperate. She packs up her car and goes with her white son, Rasheed (played by Kyle Mooney), to her Mama Ruth’s house for the holidays. The voiceover person says that the movie is a Black holiday movie for white audiences, featuring tropes such as women snapping peas at a table and laughing, a gun-toting grandma spun off of Madea (played by Paul Rudd) and a white guy wearing a necklace over a turtleneck. The scene cuts to a group of white women talking and one of them (Aidy Bryant) takes a line straight from a Black holiday movie that men will leave Black women for white women. The waiter at their table (Kenan Thomson) looks into the camera and gives a side-eye, like “You are white. This is laughable that you would even say such a line.” The trailer also features white people singing in a gospel choir, led by the hilarious Mike O’Brien (the guy wearing the sweater over the turtleneck) with Bobby Moynihan doing the most passionate singing out of all the other white gospel singers. And there is a scene where a group of white men in black clothes and Fedora hats dances to New Kids on the Block, and the white women watching them at home are screaming and one of them throws a red thong at one of the dancers (this is a parody of a dance scene from The Best Man Holiday where the men dance to “Can You Stand the Rain.” Up to that point I hadn’t seen The Best Man Holiday yet so I had to look up the trailer to understand the reference.) The voiceover person reads the critic reviews; one says “Finally, a holiday movie for white people.” Another says, “For the first time I talked to the screen and it felt great.” The third review is from Vibe magazine and it says “Can’t we have anything?” And the last review calls White Christmas, “the Macklemore of movies.” (if you don’t know the reference, Macklemore is a white rapper from Seattle.) The sketch ends with the voiceover person saying the actor’s names; they are all Paul Rudd, and the scene cuts to Jay Pharaoh looking in the camera with a deadpan expression as the person introduces him as Paul Rudd, when clearly he is not Paul Rudd. Jay Pharaoh throws his hands up to the ceiling and asks “Are we gonna get in trouble for this?”
  2. “Sump’n Claus”: the sketch opens up with Pete Davidson and Jay Pharaoh talking about their Christmas. Jay asks Pete if he is excited for Christmas, but Pete says he doesn’t think he will get anything from Santa since he hasn’t been on his nice list, but Jay says he can always expect something from Sump’n Claus. Sump’n Claus (Kenan Thompson) is Black Santa, and he is out to make sure every white person who does crazy shit gets what they want for Christmas. Along with the help of his lovely backup elf singers (Cecily Strong and Sasheer Zamata) he raps first about a woman named Sheila (Vanessa Bayer) who got in a fight with her husband (Kyle Mooney) and slashed his tires when he left her. Sump’n Claus hands her money even though she did something bad. He then sings about a man named Marcus who is dealing with so much stress at his job and then blows up at everyone, smashing his computer and then getting fired and arrested. When he leaves the elevator with his stuff packed in a box to leave the job, Sump’n Claus goes up to him, and gives him free cash. Sump’n Claus jokes that he can’t tell where he got the money from, and then tells a story about how he worked at the North Pole for Santa, and one day Mrs. Claus (Aidy Bryant) started flirting with him and Santa caught them in the act. Honestly this sketch was hilarious.

Moving In

Written on 1/23/21

It all started out with an email
I was missing you.
You were missing me.
We were missing each other
When I was around you
I felt so free
Like I was racing through the sky on Cloud 9
You live in the city of dreams
The concrete jungle
I remember my visit there in the summer of 2017
It felt like i had taken a fresh breath of air
The yellow taxis, the Times Square
The green lady statue standing alone in the middle of the sea
It was just so free to be me
In the big apple city
Months passed without word from each other
I wanted to give you time
But my heart ached and ached
With a pain worse than I have ever felt in my life
I imagined us having children, being your wife
It was a beautiful fantasy of life
In my future
And it gnawed on me like a 6,000 year old beast
Dripping black blood each time it bit into the flesh of my lonely heart
With its long ancient yellowed teeth
This fantasy savored the delicacy of my emotions
Smiled each time it took a savory bite
It salted them, sautéed them, enjoyed them in a sweet and sour sauce
But we're in a pandemic and i don't want you to get sick
Just in case i am asymptomatic
I also don't know where you rest on the social distancing rules
And yet when i wake up
The song of you
The paean of my passion for you
Plays perpetually in my mind
And all time
Is gone
As i think and think and think of you
Finally i can take it no longer
I book a ticket
To come to see you in the wilderness
Of skyscrapers and artist dreams
On the flight i call myself stupid
For being so in love with you
For feeling all these mushy feelings
And not being able to understand
Why i am just feeling them now
After so many years of keeping them buried under the surface
The pain of not being with you throbs at me
It shakes me
Until my head is spinning
My travel is a fuck you to new social norms
I know i am rebelling against what society wants me to do (e.g. not travel)
But my head is filled with you and that's all
I can think about
My animal instincts take over
I wondered whether I could still call myself an asexual
After my sexual attraction for you grew and grew until
It suddenly and unexpectedly blossomed right before my eyes
My love for you is a monster that haunts me in the night
It came running for me, snuck under my bed
And when i got up to get a midnight snack
Of leftover chocolate cake
The beast grabbed me
And begged me to see you
Or else risk becoming its prey forever.

6:00 pm I am leaving JFK airport
With my suitcase and cello in hand
I pass the brownstones
The busy streets
The passerby wearing PPE
The ambulances racing past with covid patients
And my mind races back again to
You are stupid
Why the fuck are you doing this
You could have waited 
You could have said no
You weren't ready for children yet
You were too young to know what love is
Besides you're asexual
You're not supposed to fall in love
My mind fights back
With all sorts of sassy responses
As i watch the riveting rain fall on the window panes
Of the taxi.
The rain falls like the tears falling from my heart
By feelings of homesickness for you
I walk up the brownstone 
Pay the driver
I knock on the door
You open
And i kiss you
Wide mouthed
Without any common sense or regard for social distancing
What the hell am i thinking? i ask myself.
I scream this question in my head
As you settle into the kiss
Lock your lips with mine
Your grizzly brown stubble grazes my smooth brown cheek
And your tongue plays mind games inside my mouth
You lace your right hand around the back of my head
And lace your life hand around my waist
Your arm settles on the seat of my derriere
And your hand navigates its way around the left and right of my ass
You sigh with pleasure
"This feels good"
I feel you tip toe back
Tip toe
tip
toe
tip
toe
Til the lighting gets darker
And we now wrestle
Like lovesick canines
With each other's hair
Each other's bodies
I feel a gentle tugging of my shirt  
My hands gently lift your woolen sweater 
We take turns being gracious to one another
Oxytocin breathes a sigh of relief 
And lets it all hang out like a brickhouse 
As we enjoy the release of the oxytocin
And cling our naked bodies to each other
Your body heat a blanket warmer than your woolen sweater 
Our eyes close 
Our lips stay locked
I feel a sudden painful lump in my throat
A lump i cannot swallow
It is a boulder lying in my esophagus 
That won’t budge unless i release all of the emotional pent-up pain i feel
At having been gone from you for so long 
A fresh stream of hot tears falls down my face
And my body heaves with the muscle spasms 
And rise and fall of my lungs 
As they struggle to breathe 
Suffocating under the raging river of tears 
Bitter pain 
I feel your callused thumb brush away the tears with a whisper
You slowly release your lips from mine 
“It’s ok”
I let myself continue to let it all out 
Eyes blocking out anything but memories of long distance love 
Thought to have been too little and too late
I cannot see you at the moment
Because i wrap myself, snuggle in the barbed wire blanket of 
My pain. 
The sound of my sobbing silences itself 
As we bask in the quiet intimacy of our chemistry 
With one another 
-I am sorry
-for what?
-for not getting the signs
-What signs
-that you loved me
-i didn’t want you to love me until you were ready 

I look away 
And sit in silence 
My head lolls 
My eyes close 
We fall asleep together 
Intertwined like two ivy vines 
On a college tower 






Is It Love (written on 1/22/21)

Is this what I am feeling true love?
You looking at me up and down like I was a whole dessert
A slice of black forest cake
You wanted to eat out
Me looking at you
With flutterflies in my stomach
As I played my cello
My heart sang a song of you
And danced that night in the bliss of the intimate concert hall

Not knowing why I couldn't finish
My breakfast in the morning
My fork gliding through the archipelagos
Of fresh scrambled tofu in a sea of ketchup
The tongs unable to make their way to my mouth
Love was a 36-week-old fetus
Taking up space in my belly that morning
Breathing all the air out of my lungs
Heartbeat beating faster than my own
The second I walk in the room
You give me a smile, look me up and down
"Hot damn" races through your mind.
These feelings make me so light headed
That I feel dizzy, love-sick to my stomach
I vomit all the feelings of love that remain
Jumbled in my heart
Wound up like a 1,000 year old screw.
All night i think about your last letter
You life in another city
Love took reign
And reigned Bey-Supreme
Over my heart
I practically wrote a novel
In response to you
And as my pen raced across the pages
Shitting trails of black ink on the way to the finish line
My heart sang, "O happy day"
Louder than any angels ever sang.
My heart raced at presto speed
A galloping horse
And I found myself drowning in the 
Quicksand of love
As i lay in my bed sleeping
My eyes open
Pondering
I wonder: is this love or a mere fantasy

I conjured from our past interactions
You stole my heart
Then mentioned your love
My heart sighed in relief 
Feeling happiness for you and your love
I later got my own
during a hot night of chai and chatter in
The land of saris and samosas.
I am cool.
You are cool.
We are friends
But can we ever rekindle that magic spark
That night
When your eyes caressed my breast, hips, thighs, dark brown eyes?
When i sat alone in my dorm in the beautiful April
Self-harm scars faded from a fall semester
Of self-hate and suicidal ideations
I wrote of fantasies, dreams, imaginations
Of you kissing my taut dark-skinned belly
Caressing it every time our unborn child
Communicated his existence with kicks and punches
You coo softly to my stomach, whispering words of love and hope
To a biracial child
Soon to awaken in a world
Where the first Indian-Black-Female VP runs the
White House with a leader who also 
Fights for justice and respect for the dignity of life.
We lock lips and have a beautiful conversation
A conversation that transforms so delicately
Into a nonverbal dialogue
Of intimacy
Physical attraction
Sensual pleasures.
You get a handful of my chocolate cakes
And you're in heaven
You taste dark-milk-honey-caramel chocolate
As you nibble my lips
You wipe away my salted caramel tears
And nibble on my Duncan Hines ears
"Mmmmmmmm," you whisper as if you were 
Speaking into an ASMR microphone.

Then I imagine everything that might go wrong

Stillborn, umbilical cord wrapped around the neck
A new mother and father's lived nightmare
Fights in the kitchen end up with bruises and black eyes
Broken dishes strewn around the room
Our son standing there, watching, observing
Wondering why his parents
Yell words filled with acid at each other instead of words filled with love
A chance encounter with the pretty
Brunette standing behind you in the grocery
Store line
Becomes a one-night stand
Back at her studio apartment
And a white, fair-skinned, straight-haired baby that got achance at life
That our son did not.
A flirtation with another guy I just met
At a company party
Becomes a one night stand with me
You watching the clock to no avail
waiting for me to come home
So we can put the kiddo to bed.
Or both of us simply get tired of each other.
Those memories of being infatuated are thin air.
You get back with your ex
Get married, have kids, retire
Nice life 
While I'm nursing the memories of my unbridled passion
Swaddling the crying, pooping, smelly, ga-ga-ing
Mess of love
The burden of betrayal
Is this love permanent?
Or just a thing of the past?

Los tesoros del corazon

(escrito en el 15 de deciembre 2020)

Los tesoros de la corazón 

Son brillantes 

Tengo un tesoro azul 

Que me dice “eres hermosa, eres simpatica, eres excelente.”

Cuando entono Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

El tesoro de mi vida resplende como una luz brillante

Dinero es bueno 

Y necesitas vivir con dinero

Pero los tesoros de la corazón 

Son las riquezas ciertas

Necesito hacer mi revolución humana 

Para compartir mis tesoros de mi corazón 

Mi felicidad

Mi agradecimiento

Mi amistad por la humanidad

Con otros. 

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo es un tesoro 

Y este tesoro es mi vida. 

The Crawfish Boil

It was the summer of 2008 and we were celebrating the campaign of Barack Obama in our Southern town. It was 12 o’ clock and my family and I were visiting a family friend who invited us to her crawfish boil. As a huge fan of seafood I couldn’t wait. My mom put on her pearl necklace and her bright yellow summer dress. I love my mother; she is so pretty, with her strawberry blonde hair in waves and her full lips. Dad was so lucky he married her.

“You ready?” she asked me.

I nodded. Mariana, my sister, wouldn’t be coming because she was at a friend’s house.

We walked down the block. Mrs. Weathers, the family friend, didn’t live too far away, only five minutes down the block. Even from down the block I could smell the Cajun spices and the barbeque. It tantalized my taste-buds and my olfactory senses.

Mrs. Weathers came out and I saw she was heavily pregnant. Her bump swelled under her turquoise maternity summer dress, and she wore these beautiful white-rimmed sunglasses. She put the sunglasses atop her head, and walked over to us.

“Hiiiii!!!!” she squealed as she and my mom hugged.

My mom let go after five minutes and she introduced me.

“This is Kayla,” she said, nodding for me to shake Mrs. Weathers’ hand.

“Nice to meet you,” I nodded, staring at her bump.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Kayla!” she gushed in her Southern drawl. “Please dig in! We’ve just started cooking the burgers.”

A tall tanned gentleman with wavy black hair and a wide toothy grin turned to us as he grilled juicy hamburgers. A table piled high with steaming crawfish, corn on the cob dripping with butter, and a bowl of creamy potato salad called to me.

“Help yourself!” he laughed as he saw my hungry expression, his eyes darting to the table.

“Thank you,” I said shyly, becoming more aware of my manners.

Mom handed me a plate, and I piled it high with food. She leaned over to me, and whispered “Save some for others. You don’t want people to think you are greedy.”

I sighed.

“Yes, Mom.”

I have always been a little overweight and I understand my mom was trying to help me lose some pounds, but I couldn’t help feeling self-conscious. I went over to Mrs. Weathers.

“Excuse me, ma’am, do you know where the drinks are?”

“Oh!” she laughed. “Come on with me, I can show you!” She motioned for me to come into the kitchen. On the linoleum floor sat a cooler full of perspiring cans of soda taking a bath in a melted pool of ice. I kneeled down and picked up a chilly can of Seven-Up.

“So do you work?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am, I work at Chili’s part-time.”

“Please, hon, call me Stacy!” she guffawed. “‘Mrs. Weathers’ or ‘ma’am’ makes me feel so doggone old.”

I tried to force a grin. Calling her anything other than her last name or a polite Southern title felt awkward.

“How is the school year going?”

“It’s ok. Algebra is challenging but my teacher is nice.”

“What’s her name?”

“Mrs. Rizzolo.”

“Oh!” she clapped her hands excitedly. “She and I are good friends. Her and her daughter live across the street from us. She had the flu though, so she couldn’t make it to the barbeque today. Poor thing, bless her heart. I called her to see if she was coming, and she had just finished puking in the toilet..”

I nearly gagged on my 7Up.

“Oh, sorry, that was a bit TMI.”

“It’s ok,” I coughed.

“Oh!” she laughed, putting her hands on her round stomach. “That was an elbow.”

I knew she was talking about the unborn baby.

“May I touch it?” I asked.

“Yes, of course!” she smiled. I placed my hand on her belly, and felt a sharp jab against my hand. It felt weird, like an alien was inside her.

“Does it hurt?”

“It’s rather uncomfortable at times, especially when I am sleeping. She kicks more after I eat ice cream, for some weird reason. That’s one of my cravings, by the way. The other day I had a whole tub of Ben n’ Jerry’s by myself. I felt so bad,” she laughed. “But you get used to it. If you’re wondering it’s a girl,” she winked. “Todd and I just found out this week when I went for my ultrasound.”

“What will you name her?” I asked.

“We haven’t decided yet. Maybe Elizabeth or Caitlyn.”

After a few moments, I didn’t feel anything. I took my hand away from her stomach.

“Sorry, I didn’t know if it was uncomfortable for you to have me touch your stomach.”

“Oh, no, darling! You don’t have to apologize at ALL!” she laughed. She placed a hand gently on my shoulder. “But I appreciate you asking. Your mother clearly brought you up with good manners.”

Good manners or not, I still felt like a perv.

We went back out, Mrs. Weathers cradling her bump as we walked. Mom was sitting with Mr. and Mrs. Rose, who wore Barack Obama “Yes We Can” buttons on their T-shirts. They sat around the table with half-finished plates of potato salad. A few flies danced around the mounds of greasy chicken bones and crawfish skeletons with shredded skin.

Mom turned to me.

“Where were you?”

“Oh…”

“Don’t worry, Sherri! I was just showing Kayla where the drinks were.”

Mom nodded.

Mr. Rose checked his watch.

“I am so sorry, Sherri and Stacy, but we gotta head to pick up our son from baseball practice.” Mr. and Mrs. Rose got up from their chairs, and embraced my mom in huge hugs. Then they went over to Mrs. Weathers and gave her hugs, too.

“Congratulations, Stacy!”

Mrs. Weathers beamed.

“Thank you so much, John! Patricia, thank you both for coming. Tell Little Earnest good luck for me.”

“We will!” they waved and trudged towards their silver minivan parked outside on the side street.

I went over to the table, which was running out of food.

“Oh, I saved your plate,” Mr. Weathers came over to me. “I saw you put it down and didn’t want it to get cold.”

I gently took it from him. That was really sweet of him.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Haha, please, call me Todd.”

I nodded. I went over to a table and sat with Stephanie and Rachel, two of my classmates in Mr. Brian’s English class. They sat and coolly watched a young blonde man standing and talking to 95-year old Mr. Paterson.

“Jesus, he is so fucking hot.” Stephanie licks her lips, and sips her Diet Coke. “I would totally tap that.”

“Is that Jesse? I thought he was dating Erica Brien,” Rachel said, turning to Stephanie.

Stephanie shrugs, then smirks.

“I heard they were breaking up. Apparently, Erica slept with Ricky on the basketball team and everyone found out all over social media…”

She lolls her head over to mine and giggles.

I continued to listen to them as they shared their fantasies about fucking Jesse. I really had nothing else to do and nowhere to be. Clara hadn’t scheduled me for any shifts today. I grabbed one of the crawfish from my plate. It was lukewarm, but I bit into the spicy flesh of that tiny crustacean and my mouth lit on millions of fires. I hurriedly spooned some potato salad in my mouth. I felt embarrassed, but Rachel and Stephanie weren’t really paying attention to me. They were probably too busy checking out Jesse’s Instagram to care.

Movie Review: C’mon, C’mon

So I first heard of this movie because I am subscribed to the A24 films email list, and when they come out with a new movie they share a trailer in the email. I came across this trailer for C’mon, C’mon, and it was so heartfelt that I wanted to watch it. Thankfully, I found it at the library a couple of days ago and checked it out. The film is shot in black and white, similar to Frances Ha, another film that was also shot in black and white. Also, I love the new Lionsgate Films theme song (it’s a random and small detail, but I have started getting into film music and after watching all these movies to write these reviews I have started falling in love with theme music.). I love the old one too, but I also love this one.

The movie opens in Detroit, Michigan, and a man named Johnny is interviewing young people about their lives and what they think about social issues and the future. Some of the kids talk about how they are worried about climate change, others worry about loneliness. One of the youth they interview talks about how people make all these assumptions about Detroit but she tells them that they have never lived in the city, and she has lived there her entire life. Some kids talk about how they are anxious about the future, some are hopeful. Johnny is also taking care of his aging mother with his sister, Viv, and both of them argue about the challenges of taking care of her. Viv is married to Paul, who recently got a new position with the San Francisco Symphony and moved to Oakland, but is finding the transition challenging. Viv is left to take care of their son, Jesse, who is sensitive and is, like so many other youth, trying to make sense of the world. Johnny visits Viv and Jesse and spends time with them, and Viv has Johnny watch Jesse while she is taking care of Paul. Over the course of the film, Johnny and Jesse strike up a beautiful and profound friendship.

One of the main themes of the film is the connections between children and adults. Johnny’s work involves interviewing kids about serious issues and getting them to think about what they envision for the future, to give them a platform to have their voices heard. At the same time, he is also navigating his relationship with Jesse, who isn’t as open at first to talking about his feelings with Johnny. Jesse ends up interviewing Johnny about his life. In one scene, Johnny is reading The Wizard of Oz to Jesse to put him to sleep, and Jesse interrupts him by asking why he isn’t married. Johnny pauses, wondering whether he should tell Jesse, but he tells him what happened in a way that Jesse will understand. Jesse also develops a deep friendship with Johnny, especially because they are not around Viv so Johnny allows Jesse to behave in ways Viv probably wouldn’t want him to. When Johnny takes Jesse to a restaurant with Roxanne and Fernando, the people who conduct the interviews with him, Jesse tries eating his ice cream before he finishes his dinner but Johnny tells him to eat his dinner before eating dessert. Jesse stays up late at night because he has had a lot of sugar from the ice cream, and gets upset with Johnny for letting him eat the ice cream since his mom wouldn’t let him have all that sugar. When they are in the convenience store, Jesse finds a toothbrush that lights up and sings, but Johnny tells him he cannot have it. Jesse ends up getting lost in the store and Johnny freaks out because he doesn’t know where he is, and asks everyone in the store where Jesse is. Jesse finally runs into him with the singing toothbrush and busts up laughing and making fun of Johnny, and Johnny raises his voice at him, telling him to stop, but Jesse yells at him right back. When Johnny calls Viv, she tells him that she hates it when Jesse doesn’t do what she says, and when she finds out Johnny let him have ice cream and that Jesse is overstimulated, she tells him she loves Jesse even when does things that annoy her, such as talking about random stuff all the time. I think I related a lot to this because I was a teacher at a daycare and honestly I wasn’t that great of a teacher. My first day I thought, Oh these kids are so cute, and I loved reading books to them, but I had such a hard time controlling the class. When kids would get into fights over toys or a kid would randomly start lashing out at me, I wouldn’t tell them to stop. I often let the more experienced teachers step in because I feared making the kids cry if I yelled at them or told them to stop hitting each other or doing things they weren’t supposed to. I’m sure that I shouldn’t let that one experience prevent me from pursuing a teaching career or being a substitute teacher if I ever need another job, especially because it was a long time ago, but what that experience taught me is that teachers deserve all the respect. Looking back, I probably would have read up on books related to teaching and interacting with toddlers just so I knew how to handle certain situations with more calm.

The interviews also take place in other cities: Los Angeles, New York City, and New Orleans. Jesse and Viv live in Los Angeles, and when Johnny is visiting them in Los Angeles, he shows Jesse his recording equipment and has Jesse wear it and test it out while they are walking along the beach. When they are sitting on the sand, Johnny asks Jesse if he has been to New York City, and Jesse tells him he hasn’t been before. Johnny says he should come with him to help him record his interviews, and Jesse agrees. However, when Johnny tells Viv that he invited Jesse to New York City, Viv is upset because Johnny should have gotten her permission before asking Jesse to come since she is his mom. When they are in New York, Johnny, Roxanne and Fern interview children of immigrant families, and they discuss many different topics: climate change, loneliness, vulnerability, bias and discrimination and isolation. One of the interviews that was really powerful was one of the kids saying that when he expressed to his parents that he felt like crying sometimes, they tell him he shouldn’t cry and that he needs to be strong. After reading Brene Brown’s books on shame resilience and vulnerability, I have been getting really interested in the subject of vulnerability, especially when dealing with my own emotional health and learning to communicate my feelings better.

There is one scene that also conveys the power of vulnerability. When Johnny and Jesse are in New Orleans, Viv calls Johnny and tells him that her husband, Paul, is recovering after being taken to a mental health facility for treatment and that Jesse can come home. When Johnny tries to put Jesse on the phone, Jesse listens as Viv tells him she is bringing him home, but then he tells Johnny he is done talking to his mom and runs off. He is upset because he has had to watch his father’s nervous breakdowns for so long and his mom not knowing how to deal with them, and after spending time with Johnny and feeling free, he doesn’t want to come back to his family. When Johnny catches up with him, he tells Jesse it is fine to not feel fine, but Jesse tells him to leave him alone and that he is fine. Jesse reiterates that it is okay to not feel okay, but Jesse yells that he is fine. Finally Johnny yells at him and tells him that it is okay to scream and feel angry, and Jesse finally gives in and yells that he is not fine. He and Johnny both kick and stomp the ground angrily, and then Jesse feels better. Johnny tells Jesse that he is better at communicating his feelings than he was before.

I really like this film because it reminds me of how important it is to give young people a chance to speak out on social issues and give them a voice. When I was younger I watched a commercial that the Ad Council did on global warming, and one of the commercials featured various kids saying “Tick, tick, tick” over and over while talking about the effects of climate change. It gave me goosebumps. There was another commercial where an older gentleman is standing on a train track and there is a train coming and he says that some say the irreversible consequences of global warming are far into the future, but that in thirty years it won’t affect him, and when he steps aside there is a young girl standing in front of the train as it approaches her. (we don’t see her get hit, but she just looks into the camera with this pained expression like “You adults failed us.”) I also thought about Greta Thunberg and so many other young people who are fighting against climate change, and about the students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida protesting gun violence. I read a lot of philosophy by a writer and philosopher named Daisaku Ikeda and in his writings he talks about raising successors, or young people to promote a society based on respect for the dignity of each person’s life, which is what my Buddhist practice is based on. In our monthly publication, Living Buddhism, there is an article about fostering successors, and in our organization we have a group for elementary, middle and high school-aged youth called the Future Division. We encourage the youth to use their Buddhist practice of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, studying the writings of Daisaku Ikeda and The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, and participating in SGI activities so they can bring forth the potential to overcome challenges in their daily lives and become happy. I feel like whenever I encourage the youth in my organization, I become happier and gain greater hope for the future. When I was watching the film, I kept thinking about the Future Division in our Buddhist organization.

Also, Johnny’s project of interviewing the youth reminded me of when we had a festival called 50,000 Lions of Justice, and to promote the festival they had promo videos where passerby in different cities such as Los Angeles, Atlanta, and Chicago were asked about something courageous they did and social issues they thought were most important. Watching these videos gave me hope for the future and empowered me to overcome my apathy and anxiety about the future. This is one of the videos I really loved:

TV show synopsis: Bridgerton, Season 1, episode 1

Last week I started watching the hit series Bridgerton. I had heard so many great things about the show, and so I wanted to watch it. Honestly it reminded me a lot of Hamilton because many of the characters are people of color. I really loved seeing how a lot of the people in the show were people of color because so far in a lot of the British period dramas I have seen most of the main characters are white. In this episode we meet the main and supporting characters and the different families and the women in the families are introduced. The young women are taken to meet Queen Charlotte (played by Golda Rosheuvel) and must win her approval. Daphne Bridgerton wins the Queen’s approval when she curtsies without fainting, unlike the previous girl who fell when she curtsied to the Queen. We meet the Duke of Hastings (Rege-Jean Page) and his father recently died, and Lady Danbury encourages him to go to the party that evening even though he is indifferent and doesn’t really care. Everyone is at this party in the evening and Anthony Bridgerton (Jonathan Bailey) escorts his sister, Daphne Bridgerton (Phoebe Dynevor), around the party and she finds herself meeting many men who are interested in her, especially after winning the Queen’s approval. One of the guys who expresses interest in marrying her is a man named Nigel, who kind of reminded me of Chester in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. For those who haven’t seen the show, in season 2 there is a guy who keeps following Susie Myerson around the Catskills resort, saying they have a lot in common even though Susie isn’t interested in him. He keeps saying to her “criss cross” to express interest in her, and she tries to avoid him repeatedly throughout the episodes in the Catskills. Daphne isn’t interested in Nigel; instead she is interested in the Duke of Hastings. The Duke has an indifferent air toward the festivities and he knows Anthony really well. Anthony is concerned because Daphne is getting so much attention from all these men. Marina Crane is another beautiful young woman who gets attention from many suitors; there are three young women in the drawing room who are sitting around and their mom is talking about their marriage prospects and they finally meet Marina and they realize they have competition. Nigel meets with Daphne and continues to express interest in marrying her but she is not interested. Anthony is dating a young opera singer named Siena and they spend evenings having passionate sex, but after dinner his mom tells him he needs to stop messing around and settle down with someone, so Anthony, while he and the girl are having sex, tells her he can’t see her again.

When in the garden, Daphne walks away from the festivities and Nigel catches up with her and continues to pursue her. She says no but he doesn’t listen and when he tries to force himself on her, she punches him out. The Duke of Hastings sees this and continues to feign indifference. Daphne is about to leave but the Duke says they should pretend they are in love (I think they are actually in love) so people can think she has accepted a suitor and is no longer available. Marina wakes up to find her bedsheet is gone. One of the lady’s maids takes it to the woman in charge of the household and she finds out Marina had sex and ended up pregnant since she hasn’t bled in a month. She kicks her out of the house and when Marina shouts at her that she doesn’t know what it’s like to go through this kind of suffering, the lady slaps her.

One thing I really love about this show is the colorful dresses and outfits. I watched Downton Abbey and the outfits they wear are more drab and dull because it is the 1900s and there were more neutral colors. I also really like it because Claudia Jessie, who plays Eloise Bridgerton in Bridgerton, is an SGI member in the UK. As an SGI member myself I found this encouraging. Another thing I loved about the show was the string quartet pieces they play. The show takes place in the 19th century but it’s cool how the pieces they play are pop pieces like Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next,” Maroon 5’s “Girls Like You,” and “bad guy” by Billie Eilish. It gives the show its uniqueness because when I see period dramas they all feature classical music.

In episode 2 we see a woman giving birth and when the baby is born, everyone is relieved that it’s a boy, but then the mother dies shortly after giving birth and Lady Danbury mourns her death. Later on we see the Duke of Hastings flash back to memories of his childhood. During his childhood his dad wanted nothing to do with him because his mom died after giving birth to him and also because he has a speech impediment and the father thinks that his son’s speech impediment makes him unworthy and useless to society. Lady Danbury tells the Duke that she is going to educate him and bring him up so he can develop more confidence in his speaking ability and become successful in society later on. The Duke goes into his dad’s office later on to show him how he has overcome his speech impediment, especially because the dad continues to neglect him and he speaks but then he starts stuttering, and then the dad once again thinks his son is a lost cause. Which is painful because he was young and facing that trauma of losing his mom and not gaining his father’s approval continued to affect his self-worth even as an adult. When Anthony, Nigel and the Duke are at another ball, Anthony is talking with Nigel about Daphne marrying him, and Nigel continues to insist that he is the perfect suitor to marry Daphne, but the Duke overhears this and says that Nigel attempted to assault Daphne and deserved to be punched by her. At first Anthony tells the Duke to mind his own business, and Daphne, while dancing with another potential suitor (the Duke and her are in love, but he doesn’t want to get married. That is what he promises his father when his father is on his deathbed), sees this exchange, but then Anthony realizes that the Duke is telling the truth and tells Nigel to stay the hell away from Daphne. When the Duke is in an alleyway, Nigel follows him and tells him off for sharing about him attacking Daphne, and the Duke tells him that Daphne doesn’t need him. Nigel brings up the Duke’s childhood in a negative way, and that provokes the Duke to punch him several times in the face (in a couple of episodes we see the Duke sparring with another guy in the boxing ring, and I thought, Damn I would not mess with this guy, even for a million dollars.) Even after getting his revenge on Nigel, the Duke is still remembering his painful childhood.

Meanwhile, Eloise is in the drawing room with Daphne, and Daphne is playing music on the pianoforte. Eloise is reading a book and trying to concentrate, so she tells Daphne to play somewhere else. Daphne says she can go outside, and Eloise tries to argue with her. After getting irritated, Eloise finally lets Daphne play her music, as long as she gives the composition a title. Penelope repeatedly goes to the mail-person to see if Marina’s lover is writing to her from Spain. Marina is confined to her room because Penelope’s mom, Portia, is ashamed of Marina’s pregnancy, especially because she is having the baby out of wedlock. She takes Marina to the low-income part of London, the neighborhood out of a Charles Dickens novel, and shows her this community because she thinks Marina will end up in poverty like them. Marina tells her that is nonsense, but Portia tries to knock common sense into Marina and tells her that the guy she loves will leave her for someone else. Marina insists that he loves her, but Portia asks her if he has written back since he had left for Spain, and this fucks up Marina badly. Portia finally one auspicious day gets a letter from Marina’s boo from Spain, and they read it but Marina is crushed because the letter reads that the boo doesn’t want anything to do with her after finding out she is having their baby. We then see that Portia and her lady’s maid forged the original letter from the guy and passed it off as a real letter.

Episode Synopsis: Downton Abbey, Season 1 episode 4

The episode opens up with Mr. Bates, Anna and Gwen walking through the fairgrounds at Downton, and talking about the upcoming fair. Anna sees Mary and asks her how she is doing, and Mary tells her she is still grappling with the death of Mr. Pamuk. Anna tries to tell her it is going to be okay, but Mary is still grieving over his death and doesn’t think she will ever move on. Cora, Mary’s mother, is having tea with Violet Crawley, her mother-in-law, and they are talking about Mary inheriting the estate. They talk about how Mary is grieving over Mr. Pamuk’s death, and Violet tells Cora that the real issue is Mary getting married to Matthew because she is the firstborn so there is more pressure on her to get married. However, Mary doesn’t want to marry Matthew because he comes to Downton thinking he doesn’t need to live the family’s aristocratic lifestyle and takes pride in being middle-class. Meanwhile, Lord Grantham meets Tom Branson, the new chauffer, who is from Ireland. He compliments Lord Grantham’s library and Lord Grantham tells Tom he is welcome to borrow any of the books, and asks Tom what books he likes. Tom says he loves history and politics, and Lord Grantham is quietly suspicious of this because he hasn’t met anyone on the staff who has explicitly expressed their interest in politics. Mr. Molesley is serving Isobel and Matthew tea, when Isobel finds that Mr. Molesley’s hands have a really bad rash all over them. She examines them and determines it is a skin condition called erysipelas, and insists that she take him to the doctor to get his hands checked out. Matthew is embarrassed and insists Molesley’s case isn’t that extreme, but Isobel is happy because she gets to put all of her extensive training as a doctor to use, so she insists that she treat Molesley’s condition.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Anna is coughing and sneezing and Mrs. Patmore, who is running a tight ship, tells her she needs to get out of the kitchen. Anna asks if they can go to the fair tonight and suggests Daisy needs to especially go because she has been thinking a lot about the death of Mr. Pamuk. Daisy can’t tell anyone that she saw Anna, Mary, and Cora carry Mr. Pamuk’s body down the corridor, though. The Dowager Countess visits Matthew to ask about him inheriting the estate, and it’s funny because she is not used to swivel chairs and she is startled when she finds out she is sitting down in a swivel chair. Mrs. Hughes tells O’Brien she needs to stay behind and watch the other girls because Anna, the head lady’s maid, has a cold, but Mrs. O’Brien complains and tells Mrs. Hughes she is not a slave and refuses to do so. Mr. Bates, Thomas Barrow, and William are all in the dining quarters downstairs talking about the fair, and William talks about how he is going to ask Daisy out to the fair, and Thomas snidely puts him down and tells him he doesn’t have a chance. Mr. Bates tells him to leave William alone, but when Daisy comes by and William is about to ask her if she wants to come to the fair that evening, Thomas interrupts him and asks Daisy to the fair, sabotaging William’s chance at asking Daisy out. William is crushed, and Mr. Bates calls Thomas out on what he did. Thomas acts like he is indifferent and continues to smoke his cigarette. Tom drives Cora, Sybil and Edith around, and overhears them talking about dresses. Sybil says she really likes the new fashions for women (this is around the time of the suffragette movement.) Because Tom is interested in women’s rights he takes an interest in Sybil for being interested in politics. He tells her that he overheard their conversation and hands her some pamphlets about women’s rights, telling her that he is a socialist and is going to quit his job as chauffer one day because he is interested in politics.

In the evening everyone goes to the fair (except for Carson) and Mrs. Hughes reunites with Joe Burns, who she fell in love with a long time ago. They catch up on life, and he tells her that he married someone but she died three years earlier and his kids are grown up. They play a game at the fair and when he wins, he gives her a toy he won so she can have something to remember him by. He asks her about her life and she tells him she is planning on staying at Downton Abbey even when she retires. He asks her what will happen if the estate is sold, and she tells him that there are a number of other catastrophes that could happen to the estate (a plague, a war, etc. After watching the entire series and seeing how Downton went through World War II and the 1918 flu epidemic, I just thought, Wow yeah everything she said happened and Downton was still intact.) Joe proposes to her and tells her to think carefully about her decision so that she doesn’t make the wrong decision in a hurry. When Mrs. Hughes comes back everyone sees her smiling and they speculate about her finding a new man, and Thomas makes some snide comment about it and Daisy, who is in love with Thomas, follows along with his joking. Mr. Bates tells Daisy that she shouldn’t make that kind of joke just because Thomas is making the joke because she’s usually a nice person and doesn’t gossip or backstab people like Thomas and Mrs. O’Brien do. Earlier, Mrs. O’Brien is complaining because she has to stay behind and work while everyone else gets to go to the fair, and because she is so bitter, she tells Tom Branson that the chauffers have their own place to eat on the estate and that he shouldn’t eat with them, and Mr. Bates tells her to lay off Tom since he’s a new employee and is still getting used to everything. Tom asks Mr. Bates what he is doing, and Mr. Bates tells him he is sorting Lord Grantham’s collars. Tom jokes that he should be doing something less time-wasting than sorting collars, and Mr. Bates, who has a good sense of humor, laughs it off and Mrs. O’Brien, who is always up to something, frowns suspiciously at him, like, “You shouldn’t trust this guy too much. He’s a troublemaker.” Mr. Bates asks where Anna is, and Mrs. O’Brien tells him she has a cold and is upstairs in her room. He goes upstairs and brings Anna dinner (earlier, when he got fired from his job and was alone crying in his room, Anna brought him dinner) and they are deeply in love with each other at that moment.

William is playing the piano alone in the staff dining room, and Mrs. Hughes finds him playing by himself because he is still sad about Daisy rejecting him for Thomas. She tells him she wants to hear him play, but he says it’s fine, and that he is going back to work. Mrs. Hughes saw earlier that Thomas was picking on William for having his buttons undone on his vest and Daisy didn’t stick up for William, so she tells William to not let Thomas get to him because Thomas is jealous that everyone likes William more than they like him, but William tells Mrs. Hughes that not everyone likes him, implying Daisy. Mrs. Hughes knows who he is talking about and tells him that in that case, Daisy is a foolish girl who doesn’t deserve William. Later on, in the kitchen, Daisy is telling Mrs. Patmore how cute Thomas is. Earlier, she told him she had a crush on Thomas and Mrs. Patmore is surprised that Daisy is interested in him. She tells Daisy that Thomas is not the guy for her, and when Daisy asks her why she tries to tell her that Thomas isn’t actually interested in women and was just pretending to be interested in Daisy so he could make William feel like a loser. Earlier, Mr. Bates went over to William’s room to check in on him, and William, without turning to see who it was, tells Mr. Bates to leave him alone. Mr. Bates closes his door and finds Thomas coming out into the hall having overheard what happened, and tells Mr. Bates that William never stood a chance. Mr. Bates grabs him by the collar and tells him to keep away from Daisy and to stop bullying William, but Thomas just smirks and says Mr. Bates’s threat doesn’t scare him.

When Mrs. O’Brien is doing Sybil’s hair, Gwen comes in to ask her about something, and Sybil sends Mrs. O’Brien away (Mrs. O’Brien loves to eavesdrop on people’s conversations so she can gossip with Thomas, so she is not pleased with this request but leaves.) Gwen shows her that she got an offer for an interview; the previous episode Gwen told everyone she was taking typewriting classes to become a secretary and leave the service industry, and Sybil and Anna were the only ones who supported her decision to leave. Sybil helped her apply for the job and sent in a letter of reference for Gwen, and Gwen is super overjoyed about this, but later on, when she is alone in the kitchen Gwen gets another letter and is downcast when she finds out they cancelled her interview and went with someone else. Sybil is so excited for Gwen’s interview and has her look at interview outfits, but Gwen cries and tells her about the cancellation and insists she is never going to become a secretary. Sybil, however, never gives up on Gwen and tells her that she just needs to keep going after her dream and to not get discouraged just because she didn’t make it the first time.

Mary is talking with her father, Lord Grantham, about inheriting the estate. He tells her that he is a custodian so he cannot actually buy the estate himself; he is just taking care of it for the sake of the people before him who lived at Downton. And he can’t take Cora’s money out of the state or else Lord Grantham would have to sell Downton Abbey, and that wouldn’t be fair for Matthew because he even though he would be the heir in title, he wouldn’t have any money to pay for Downton. Mary tells her father she isn’t going to marry Matthew because she is stubborn and won’t marry a man just because her family picked him for her. Meanwhile, Isobel picks up some tinctures for Mr. Molesley’s erysipelas and gets him to take them. At first the nurse is insistent that Isobel shouldn’t just pick out these remedies herself and that Molesley should see Dr. Clarkson about it, she refuses.When they go to Dr. Clarkson and the Dowager Countess, Isobel insists that Mr. Molesley’s erysipelas cleared up thanks to the tinctures she picked out for him. However, the Dowager Countess looks at Mr. Molesley’s hands and asks him how his dad is doing, and Mr. Molesley tells her he has been helping his dad out in the garden and has been trimming his rue hedge. The Dowager Countess explains that Mr. Molesley’s rash was a rue allergy, not erysipelas, and tells Isobel that while they appreciate her services, that she should leave it to the professionals (aka Dr. Clarkson and the Dowager Countess) to figure out stuff like this, and she smugly smiles to herself as she gets up to leave before Isobel can say anything.

Mary finds out that they are going to let Matthew inherit the title to the estate because he is the heir and she leaves the drawing room, and goes to her bedroom because she is angry. Cora comes to her room and finds Mary crying alone in her room, and asks what is wrong. Mary tells her that all everyone ever talks about it Matthew inheriting the estate, and she doesn’t get a say in it. Cora tells her that she wouldn’t have been able to stand up for Mary because of the estate rules, and Mary tells her that Cora doesn’t care about her feelings, and that everything is ruined and that after her affair with Pamuk her reputation is ruined. Mary is still trying to deal with the death of Mr. Pamuk, who she loved very much, and is overwhelmed because her family doesn’t seem to care about her decisions or think she can make her own decisions about the estate. Earlier, when they are walking on the fairgrounds, Matthew and Mary are talking, and Mary apologizes to Matthew for criticizing him being middle-class, and he asks her more about what she does. She tells him that she envies him having a regular 9-5 job because mostly her and her sisters help out with charities and other events but mostly spend their time at home until they find a husband, and she finds this life quite dull.

Mr. Hughes is in her office, thinking about Mr. Burns’ marriage proposal. Carson comes in and she has him sit down so she can tell him what happened. She tells Carson that before coming to Downton, she had fallen in love with Mr. Burns because he was a farmer and she was a farmer’s daughter from Argyll, so they had a deep connection. But after that they never saw each other, and he married someone but she died three years earlier, and they found each other at the fair and he proposed, but she turned down the proposal. Carson listens and then Anna comes in telling Mrs. Hughes to come because there is chaos in the kitchen and Mrs. Patmore needs Mrs. Hughes’s help. Before leaving, Carson asks Mrs. Hughes if she is considering leaving Downton, and she jokes “where would I find the time?”

The episode ends with Edith, Mary, the Dowager Countess, Lord Grantham and Cora in the drawing room. Sybil is trying on her new outfit and Anna is helping her try it on. When she finally goes into the drawing room, she is wearing a fashionable headband and these beautiful blue bloomers. Her family is aghast, particularly Lord Grantham because they normally wear dresses, but Tom Branson is looking through the window at her and is smitten. Earlier in one of the sisters’ rooms, Edith and Sybil are talking and Sybil says how confining corsets are and that she wishes women wouldn’t need to wear them all the time. I remember the first time I heard about bloomers was when I read a book as a kid called You Forgot Your Skirt, Amelia Bloomer!, which illustrates how Amelia Bloomer reformed dresses with the invention of bloomers. The closest thing I had to bloomers growing up was skorts, which was a combination of shorts and a skirt. I guess if you were worried about the guys seeing your panties during gym class, you could wear skorts and not worry because there were shorts underneath the skirt.

Sleeping in Class

I admit it: in college I slept during my classes. A lot. Like, pretty much every day. One time it almost cost me a scholarship. It was my sophomore year and I had started drinking tea in the mornings, specifically the Sweet Dreams tea from Bigelow. I was quite anxious and this was of course before I knew that you need to see a counselor for anxiety, but to calm my nerves without medication I decided to drink this tea, not knowing that there was a reason this particular flavor of tea was called Sweet Dreams. Why? Because it was sleep inducing of course! I found myself walking happily into my music history class, saying good morning to the professor and my hips bumping against the desk as I jauntily sat down, ready to learn about some Western composers. I started off giddily taking notes. I am SUCH a good student, I thought, so accomplished and smart. Look at me taking these notes. Now I have something to study when I get home. Midway through I felt my hand get heavy, then the professor’s words started sounding a little more muffled, and before I knew it I was knocked out. The last time I was this knocked out was when I got my wisdom teeth taken out and they gave me anesthetic and I woke up looking like a chipmunk with gauze stuffed in my mouth (that was a good day, though, because I got to miss school and eat soy pudding and read Oliver Twist all day.) When I woke up, I saw the professor walking around, and he had papers in his hand. I saw the paper fly towards me through the air and it landed at my feet. When I blearily opened my eyes, he was handing everyone else their paper. Okaayyyy, I thought. This kept happening though. I would drink the tea for breakfast with my Grape Nuts, then head to class, take notes, fall asleep in the middle, then the professor would throw the worksheet at me. I kept thinking that he hated me because I was Black, but as I chanted about it and reflected, I realized it was because I was sleeping in his class and that was very rude. Sleeping in class sent the message, “I know all this shit. Don’t lecture me, man. Your lecture really isn’t that important to me.” But back then, I felt so justified in sleeping. Like, I can’t help it! Right….. Not surprisingly, when I emailed the professor later on about writing me a recommendation letter for a grant I was applying for, he said that while he was happy to write the recommendation he wasn’t happy I was sleeping in class. He offered some helpful suggestions for staying awake, but I have a hard time listening to people because my huge old 20 year old ego kept rearing its ugly old head and telling me, “It’s not your fault!” However, this was my responsibility. Thankfully I got over it and started paying more attention in class, but that sleeping in class moment kind of scarred me for life. I’m pretty sure I stopped drinking sleepy time tea after that.

This didn’t just happen in this one class though; it happened in a lot of my classes. The main culprit besides the damn tea, however, was just that I got really shit sleep. I would study until the wee hours, and somehow expect myself to magically be a chipper person in the morning. What started with a tank full of gas ended up being a car running on past empty. I would take copious notes and somehow expect to stay awake, but because I was sleep deprived I also started to eat a lot more out of stress. I would pile on these big portions of food (the vegan hot dogs were my favorite) and eat as much as I could, then toss the rest in the compost pails (thankfully they composted all this food waste.) Then I would take notes, and because I was so sleepy from all that food (I looked it up. It is called post-prandial somnolence) I would nod off while my classmates would alternate between listening to the lecture attentively and poking me awake (or giggling, if they were so inclined. It was quite humorous though looking back, because I was the only one who was stupid enough to sleep in class.) Most of my professors didn’t say anything, but one of the professors told me I needed coffee. It was weird though, because I was one big ball of energy in these classes. I always raised my hand to contribute because I felt I just needed to get all my thoughts out, so why not blurt them out while the rest of the students shyly raised their hands to get a word in edge-wise? Then I would furiously take notes, then because I got burned out, I would fall asleep, then the professor started talking louder, probably to wake me up, and then I would sleepily wake up and realize the class was over.

I am glad I stopped sleeping during the classes by junior year because honestly, I missed out on a lot of cool discussions when I slept in class. And when material was going to be covered on an exam, well, guess what? I missed that material and important information because I was asleep. It’s no wonder that I would get so upset in those classes when I would give presentations and people would sleep through them. I think as I chanted, I reflected on my own sleeping in class behavior and later realized I didn’t want to continue this habit come junior year. Also a lot of other crazy shit happened in junior year, like mental illness, so I ended up cutting out the sleeping-in-class nonsense by that time. And thankfully, I enjoyed my class discussions more when I was awake and had started taking better care of myself. That’s the other thing. I was burned out. I wasn’t really taking care of my emotional or mental health at the time, or even really my physical health at the time. Self-care felt like an erratic thing I did when I was on holiday breaks or had long stretches of time when I was doing nothing. My Buddhist practice was my form of self-care at the time thankfully, and it helped me get through a lot of this stressful stuff during my first two years of undergrad. Honestly I think this is partly why I was so fearful about going to graduate school because I was worried I would repeat the same patterns of not taking care of myself, sleeping in class, not getting rest. Honestly, I learned a lot from my first year roommate. She went to bed early, and I wound up staying up until 2 am in the morning reading an essay by Hume and breaking down and crying because of my perfectionistic habit of striving for success and hard work at the very real cost of my mental health. I mean, I can’t complain. I ended up with good grades in my classes, and that was a decade ago, so why worry about the past? But I love to write, and wanted a story to share that was somehow light-hearted and goofy, and this story always makes me laugh because sleeping in class because I was exhausted felt so justified at the time, but looking back it was silly and I can look back on that and laugh about it, while when I was going through the actual sleeping in class I suffered.

Anyway, thank you for reading and have a safe holiday season.