Last week I watched the movie Cruella with my family. I had been wanting to see it for a while because every time I went on YouTube, I would see a Disney+ commercial showing a clip from the movie. I am so glad I finally saw it because I really loved it! Emma Stone is such a great actress, and Emma Thompson (the two Emma’s!) is also a really good actress in this one. I really loved her in The Favourite, and I really loved seeing her in the trailer for Poor Things. I also really loved Emma Thompson in a movie she starred in with Mindy Kaling called Late Night.
If you haven’t seen Cruella, it takes place in England in 1964, and Cruella (Emma Stone) is narrating her early childhood, when she was Estella. She describes how she was bullied as a child in school for her hair, which was part black and part blonde, and how she found a friend in a schoolmate named Anita, but soon gets expelled for her behavior. She also finds an adorable dog when bullies throw her in the dumpster and she finds a dog in the dumpster, and she names the dog Buddy. Her mom wants her to feel like she belongs in school, but it just gets too tough to deal with the bullying and also all the trips Cruella has to make to the principal’s office. Cruella is just trying to defend herself because she is always being picked on, but the school wants her to adhere to their strict rules, so she gets expelled. A pivotal moment comes when her mother goes to talk to the Baroness (Emma Thompson) and tells Cruella to wait in the car. However, Cruella doesn’t listen and instead gets curious and goes to the party that the Baroness is at. She becomes immediately enthralled by the dresses and suits that people are wearing at the party, but Buddy causes trouble when he runs under one of the partygoer’s dresses and Estella has to run and fetch him, causing more mayhem to ensue. Cruella runs around the place and there are three vicious Dalmatians who chase after her. She gets ahold of this heirloom that belongs to her mother. Cruella’s mom and the Baroness are talking outside on the balcony, but then the Baroness prompts the Dalmatians to run, and they knock Cruella’s mom over the balcony and she falls to her death into the ocean. Cruella is shocked but she doesn’t have time to register her grief because she and Buddy need to run away from these Dalmatians who are chasing them. The next day, Cruella realizes that she really has no mother and that the heirloom is gone, and she goes to Regent’s Park and cries. She feels ashamed and responsible for the death of her mother, but then she meets two orphans named Jasper and Horace, who get her to join them in pickpocketing and stealing. Cruella dyes her hair red in her 20s and continues to be roommates with Jasper and Horace, and they continue to steal stuff on the bus, when going out, and other places. Cruella’s life changes when Jasper gets her a gig at a high end fashion boutique, and Cruella immediately takes the gig because she is studying fashion design and wants to have a career as a fashion designer. However, her dream in crushed when the head person of the department store has her working as the custodian who cleans toilets and takes out trash. She is mistreated, and one time when she goes out to take a break and get some lunch she is locked out of the building. She tries to tell the manager that she has expertise in fashion and can help in the fashion department, but he dismisses her and tells her to go back to cleaning. One night she explores the department with all of the fancy clothes and then ends up repositioning one of the mannequins in the store window who is wearing an incredibly beautiful dress. The next morning, Cruella, who is hung over, finds many people looking in the shop window at her disheveled appearance and the displaced mannequin. Her boss finds out and chastises her and is about to fire her, when all of a sudden the Baroness (played by Emma Stone) comes into the store. Immediately everyone starts to kiss up to her and they also try to arrest Cruella, Jasper and Horace. The Baroness ends up approving of Cruella’s placement of the mannequin in the shop window, thinking what she did was a work of art, and she gives her her business card and offer Cruella a job to come work for her. The store manager is appalled but Cruella ends up going to work for the Baroness.
Cruella’s life changes and she ends up working as an assistant to the Baroness, sketching fashion designs and also delivering lunch to the Baroness while the Baroness takes her nine-minute naps with cucumber slices over her eyes. Cruella finds out that the Baroness has stolen her mother’s heirloom, and she is appalled but she also doesn’t want to lose her job by out-rightly telling the Baroness, so she devises a plan with Jasper and Horace to get back the heirloom. When at work, she is Estella, with her red hair and glasses. But after work, she is Cruella, with her black and white hair and exquisite fashions. She wants to outdo anything that the Baroness did, and she makes these grand appearances at the Baroness’s parties. The Baroness, unsurprisingly, becomes jealous and tries to take credit for Cruella’s work. Cruella, disguised as Estella, pretends to be just a regular assistant, but when she is at these parties and social functions, she wears these extravagant dresses and tries to outdo the Baroness. However, all of this planning she is doing to get revenge on the Baroness is taking a toll on her friendships with Jasper and Horace, and they begin to feel taken advantage of. She seeks friendship early on in Artie, a gay man who runs a boutique and resembles David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust, and Artie helps her out with her plans to get back at the Baroness. Jasper gets angry with Cruella for becoming full of herself and taking advantage of their friendship. Things really take a turn when Cruella finds out that the Baroness is her biological mother who actually did not want to have anything to do with Cruella and gave her away to this lady who worked for the Baroness. The Baroness burns down Cruella, Jasper and Horace’s apartment and arrests Jasper and Horace. Everyone thinks Cruella died in the fire, but she doesn’t and instead has a funeral for her old identity as Estella, marking her embracing her true identity as Cruella De Vil.
Honestly, one of the reasons I watched this movie was because it won for Best Costume Design at the Oscars in 2022. I can see why it won because every piece of fashion in that movie was STUNNINGLY beautiful, and it must have taken so many hours, so much research and so much work to put together all of the clothing. I always focus on the actors, but I forget that there is so much work that goes on behind the scenes of every movie, and these people who work behind the scenes on the costume design and makeup deserve just as much praise as the actors do. Cruella put so much work and detail into the dresses she designed, and one of them was a beautiful dress that used a lot of tulle, and it looked like trash from a sanitation truck, but when the truck drove off slowly, the dress trailed behind and left this very beautiful train of colorful fabrics for people to admire. I also really love the soundtrack for this movie. It includes some of my favorite songs, like Supertramp’s “Bloody Well Right” and “Time of the Season” by The Zombies. I also just really love the acting and the dialogue, and I didn’t realize this, but the guy who plays Cruella’s boss was a character in the show Fleabag, which is a British TV show that I really loved. I think this movie gave me a good backstory as to how Cruella De Vil turned out to be the person who she was in 101 Dalmatians. I really loved Glenn Close in that movie as the character of Cruella De Vil, but it has been such a long time since I had watched them, so it was refreshing to watch a movie where I get to understand the motives and backstory of one of cinema’s most famous villains.
Cruella. 2 h 14 m. Rated PG-13 for some violence and thematic elements.
Today while browsing the news at work I found some really sad news: Andre Braugher, who played Captain Holt in Brooklyn 99, passed away this week at 61. When I read the news, I was really shocked and saddened because Captain Holt was one of my favorite characters on TV. If you haven’t seen Brooklyn 99 yet it is about a department of police officers in the 99th precinct of Brooklyn, New York, who fight crime while also managing to have a sense of humor. Jake Peralta, played by Andy Samberg, loves to engage in pranks and other shenanigans but also loves his job in the 99th precinct. He works closely with Captain Raymond Holt, who is the commanding officer of the precinct and has a wonderful husband named Kevin and a cute dog named Cheddar. Andre Braugher played Captain Raymond Holt throughout the show and he brought me so much joy. Even though Andre Braugher is no longer here, and even though I never got to meet him, I really appreciate him and the work he did as an actor. He will be very much missed.
I didn’t know much about the movie Nyad, although I had seen it as one of the suggested movies on my Netflix feed. But man, what a FORCE. I didn’t know anything about Diana Nyad before watching this movie, but after watching this movie I was just so blown away by her perseverance, her fighting spirit, her endurance in the face of so many obstacles. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, I totally recommend it.
This movie really showed me the importance of not giving up even when it seems you have exhausted all of your strength to keep going. The footage shown at the beginning shows Diana when she was a younger swimmer, and the movie shows her in her 60s figuring out what to do with her life during her retirement. Her trusty friend Bonnie always sticks by her side through thick and thin, even when Diana sets out to complete her record of swimming from Cuba to Key West, Florida. Diana learns the importance of not giving up. She is stung by jellyfish, has hallucinations and vomits after swimming for 24 hours. But she continues to persevere even when she faces these really life-threatening situations while going towards her goal. She also learns that she couldn’t do the journey alone; she needed a team of people to help her pull through, especially Bonnie.
The movie also shows Diana grappling with sexual trauma she faced as a child. When she was younger, she had a male coach named Jack who seemed to believe in her and the other female swimmers’ potential. However, as the film continues, it shows flashbacks to when Jack leads Diana into his bedroom and sexually assaults her. Unfortunately, Diana’s assault is not an isolated incident because there were other young women who Jack assaulted when they went into his office. It reminded me of Larry Nasser, who was the doctor for the US women’s gymnastics team and assaulted many young female athletes. It showed me the dark side of power and how Jack used his authority as a coach to abuse the young women he was coaching. This experience continues to haunt Diana and in one pivotal scene while she is continuing to swim from Cuba to Florida, she recalls Jack assaulting her as a girl and has a serious panic attack and has to be pulled out of the water. Later, Jack dies and Diana still is (rightfully) furious with him for abusing her for many years, and she beats herself up about it and Bonnie has to remind her that what Jack did to her wasn’t her fault.
After watching this movie, I was just blown away because in the face of such life-threatening situations, Diana pulled through and she never gave up in the face of adversity. It reminds me of this saying I have on a shirt of mine called “Never Give Up.” I also love both Annette Bening and Jodie Foster’s acting. To be honest, this is the first film I have seen with Jodie Foster in it. I haven’t watched her other movies but she is an incredible actor and this was a really good role for her. I have seen Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right, and she was also in another movie called 20th Century Women but I didn’t finish that movie yet. I really loved her in The Kids Are All Right though. Her and Julianne Moore played their roles really well.
Nyad. 2023. Available on Netflix. Starring Annette Bening and Jodie Foster. Rated PG-13 for thematic material involving sexual abuse, some strong language and brief partial nudity.
In 2016 after graduating college, I started searching for jobs. It was really challenging because I had this idea that because I had a bachelor’s degree I was going to magically get any job that I wanted. But I was pretty dead wrong. I searched and searched, applying for jobs in just about every field you could imagine. But nothing came up. I also had put on my applications that I could not work on weekends because I had other commitments, and when I went to the manager of the bookstore I applied to, she told me that they didn’t hire me because I couldn’t work on weekends, and to get that job I had to be available on the weekends. I was pretty frustrated, and the six month grace period I had until I had to start paying off my student debt was fast approaching its end. After coming back from a conference for Buddhists in Florida, I finally found a job at a local hotel as a front desk agent. I was pretty excited after a frustrating job search to finally have a job so I could pay off my student debt. The first few days I did a lot of online training and I was fine with it, but my perfectionist tendencies from college kicked in and I found myself wanting to do everything perfectly. I jotted down copious notes for the quizzes I would take during the online training because I was worried I would forget the material and fail the tests. I was so deeply afraid of messing up at this job, but the general manager popped in when I was still working on the training and told me, “Hey, you might want to finish up the training.” He reminded me I didn’t need to be perfect, but I was so stuck in that cycle of I-need-to-be-100-percent-perfect mindset that I just could not stand the thought of making a mistake.
Of course, this attitude didn’t exactly help me when it came to my hands-on training. The girl who was training me was a very laid back kind of gal and she was nice, but I think I came off as a little too uptight and she sensed that. Every time I answered the phones I would freeze up and get nervous, not knowing what to say, afraid to make even the tiniest mistake in my interaction with the person (I had this job about seven years ago, so I am probably exaggerating how much of a perfectionist I actually was, but I’m sure you get the point.) Finally it got to the point where I was so tongue-tied on these calls that the girl finally just said, “Forget it,” and ended up taking over the calls for me. I remember feeling very embarrassed with myself for messing up the phone calls, and I finally went into the bathroom and chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo under my breath to calm down. However, I remember getting frustrated one more time and I just lost my shit after that. I screamed, cried, broke down in the bathroom. I was a huge mess. And looking back, I take full responsibility for my behavior during that time. I didn’t handle my emotions well, and I’m glad I started to see a therapist during this time because I was pretty much a nervous wreck who didn’t know how to cope with failure and mistakes. I had these really unrealistic expectations that I was going to be perfect at work, that I was going to do everything right on the first try, but when that didn’t happen, I got really disappointed that my reality didn’t meet my super high expectations. The next day I got a phone call from the manager telling me that I was going to be let go. She didn’t specify what happened, but I’m pretty sure my attitude and behavior was one of the reasons, so I turned in my badge and my shirt and thanked the people for training me and letting me work in the brief time that I did. I also got to get a head start on the loans, so it wasn’t like my time at that job ever went to waste. Looking back, I also learned that I could have viewed my mistakes at the job as an opportunity to grow rather than beat myself up and throw a tantrum in the bathroom.
A few weeks later after continuing to search for jobs (because let’s face it, those loans were still not going to pay themselves off) I found a job at a local Starbucks. I was pretty excited to work for the shop, but again, I found myself struggling to bounce back from mistakes. The first few days I got pretty nervous and was pretty nervous about talking to the customer. And in the morning I had to do a variety of tasks: unstack and reassemble the chairs in the café and dining areas (the coffee shop was a kiosk in a supermarket so I had to work with both departments), brew both the supermarket iced tea and the coffee shop tea, and assemble the pastry display case. One thing I learned about this job was the value of efficiency and time management. I thought I could just stand around and wait for the iced tea in the dining room to brew, but then my manager came over and snapped me out of my daydreaming.
“What are you doing?” they asked, eyes narrowed.
I stammered.
“I’m, uhhh…waiting for the tea to brew.”
“You still have a bunch of other tasks to do before six.”
“Sorry,” I said and rushed back to the kiosk.
“You need to learn to multitask,” they said.
There were a few times I was the only barista behind the counter and I was pretty nervous the first few weeks whenever I had shifts in the morning and had to do the first couple of hours alone. One time, the nozzle for the iced tea in the kitchen broke and I tried and tried to fix it, but the iced tea just kept flowing. I freaked out and thought, Fuck it, I will clean up the mess later, and went back to the kiosk to finish all the other tasks I needed to do. The guest services department came over and told me I had to clean up the mess I had made with the iced tea in the kitchen. Thankfully, when my manager for the coffee shop arrived, she helped me twist the nozzle tight and I’m pretty sure they got a new one after that. When I was alone one time, there was a guy who always ordered a tuxedo mocha and he and I would often begin to chit-chat. He was nice, and I remember he would often tip me $20. I am forever thankful to this guy because those tips often went towards paying off my student debt. I was alone another time and I had to make all these coffee travelers while there was a huge line of people waiting for their drinks to be made. I was totally freaking out because I didn’t know how to do everything at once. I had also spilled a bunch of caramel sauce while trying to refill the bottles (someone had ordered a caramel macchiato). I left quite a few angry customers fuming off with their drinks, even with my apology for making them wait. I later learned how to make the travelers in a more time-efficient way, and the other baristas learned to help each other out by making them ahead of time so that in the morning when the customer came for their coffee traveler the barista could focus on getting the six am folks out the door with their lattes, Dark Roasts and tall blondes, happy and fully caffeinated, not scrambling for ten minutes to find packets of sugar, stirrers, lids, cups and who knows what else (oh, yeah, of course I was missing the key ingredient of the traveler: the coffee.)
When I was a child, one of my fondest memories was listening to the radio. The radio station would always play adult contemporary music. These artists included Celine Dion, Elton John, and George Michael. There was just something so beautiful about listening to their music. As a child, I was very sensitive and listening to music helped me tap into that sensitivity, and I remember going to ice skating lessons at our local mall when I was younger, and every time they played “My Heart Will Go On,” I would start tearing up because it was just so beautiful. Even though I had not seen Titanic yet it was still an emotional song. Side note: I could make the excuse that I was too young to see this movie, but I knew kids who had gone to see The Mummy when they were six, so that’s not really a great excuse. Okay, on second thought, yes, it was a valid excuse. I probably would not have appreciated the movie had I seen it that young, and seeing people die on open water as a gigantic iceberg sank would have given me nightmares for life. When I finally saw it in 2016 I cried my eyes out. And from there I developed a very late crush on Leonardo DiCaprio (I was too late in my crush, I missed the gaggle of girls who screamed at this teen heart-throb of an actor but I still enjoyed fantasizing about meeting him when I was 22.)
Okay, back to the topic. I still love these artists to this day. And one of these artists is named Seal. I love the animal, but I am talking about the British singer who is known for so many wonderful songs, the number one song being “Kiss From A Rose.” I used to listen to this song so many times and each time I never got tired of it. Seal’s voice took me to another dimension, another world, another paradise. When I was in college, one of the teachers I worked with always played Seal and Steely Dan, and I pretty much loved her forever after that. I remember there was one song called “My Vision” that I just fell in love with in college. I remember in sophomore year listening to that song and it just took me out of my every day challenges and allowed me to just enjoy some beautiful music. I remember going to the campus library and the third floor room, the periodicals, was always super crowded and it was hard to find a seat anywhere, especially during finals week (good luck with finding any kind of study space during that time.) But I remember sitting at one of the crowded long tables with other students who were plugged in or whispering study guide notes to each other to prepare for midterms, and Seal was just singing about if I could see his vision of a red-hot summer in white, when love was the feeling. There was something so powerful about the song that just drove me to listen to it more and more, and I still love Seal’s music to this day. There is one song from his album Human Beings called “Colour” and the first time I listened to it I fell in love. It is hard to describe how beautiful this song was but I think the first time I listened to it I got goosebumps because it was just so riveting and moving and deep. The way Seal’s voice soars during the chorus and I also love the instrumentals. The strings, the voice, everything about this song just takes me away.
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead: Brene Brown. This book was amazing. I first heard about Brene Brown when a friend shared with me an animated TED talk she did on empathy versus sympathy, and after that I sought out more from Brene Brown and found this book on my bookshelf at home. It really did change the way I looked at shame, and before reading the book I really didn’t know much about vulnerability, but reading this book reminded me that shame is a very powerful emotion that can be isolating and can tell us lies about who we are, but developing resilience in the face of that shame is so important. It made me reflect on the many times I have struggled with shame, and it made me reflect on the meaning of vulnerability. It’s not about oversharing or just letting all our emotions hang out without consequences or self-reflection. It is about showing up even when you are going to face risk, rejection and disappointment. It made me reflect on the ways that I have shown up and dealt with criticism, fear, rejection and disappointment and just kept showing up even in the face of these things. I read it again a few times and it just reminded me how overcoming shame is a constant practice, but as I develop more resilience in the face of shame, I become more confident in myself and I can encourage others who struggle with these feelings of shame, too, even if I may not have been on the same journey as they have. After reading Daring Greatly, I read her other books: Dare to Lead, Atlas of the Heart, The Gifts of Imperfection, Rising Strong and Braving the Wilderness, all of them also excellent books.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cannot Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I remember watching a TED Talk with Susan Cain many years ago, and I got this book in high school. I cannot remember exactly what prompted me to get the book, but all I know is that it changed my life forever. I didn’t actually have a term for my introversion, but many knew me as shy and quiet growing up. I didn’t seem to have a problem with it, but as I got older and went through adolescence and college there have definitely been times when I look at my more extroverted peers and think, Gosh, if only I was like them. But reading Quiet in high school reminded me that it was okay to be an introvert, and that I could work on bringing out the strengths I have as an introvert instead of constantly judging myself for not going to this party or not being as talkative as so-and-so. I have gradually become more extroverted in certain social situations, but overall I have noticed I am still very much an introvert even with the passage of time. For my birthday last week I celebrated it very introvert style: I hung out with my family, ate takeout and watched movies. Best day ever. Reading the book, I resonated with many of Susan Cain’s experiences as well as the experiences of the other introverted people in her book, and in short, her book pretty much got me through high school and college, and I am sure it will get me through my 30s, 40s and beyond.
Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear: Elizabeth Gilbert. This was actually the first book I have read by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had heard so much about Eat, Pray and Love, but I still have yet to read it. But I remember being on the phone with a friend a few years ago, and they recommended this book to me. Honestly, I love it. I was wrestling with whether to keep my creative hobbies as hobbies or turn them into a full-time career. I thought I had to quit my day job in order to be considered a real classical musician or a real writer, but after reading Big Magic, I learned that you don’t necessarily need to quit your day job to pursue your passion. Elizabeth Gilbert, like many writers, worked many different jobs to support herself while pursuing her passion of writing, and this encouraged me because there is so much discussion about finding your dream job and finding your passion, and while those discussions aren’t bad in themselves, of course, you’re not always going to find your dream job right away and it will often take time and effort to find that dream career. But reading this book reminded me to just keep writing, just keep at it. I am currently finishing up another excellent book about writing called Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, and she reminds me to keep writing, too. I think both of these books have helped me keep my dreams of becoming a writer in perspective. Like, I can still have big dreams but I can no longer just expect someone to magically hand me a gig or that the book will magically write itself without me putting effort into it. Dreams are nothing more than effort and hard work, and I think I am learning that the hard way, but I’m glad I’m learning this lesson.
Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-And Keep- Friends: Marisa G. Franco, PhD: I cannot remember exactly how I found this book. I think it was because I was on a newsletter for Meetup and they had a list of books about friendship, and I am pretty sure this book was on the list. I have wrestled with the concept of friendship for a while, and how I think about friendship has definitely transformed over time, but as an adult it can be challenging to maintain friendships, especially since a lot of my friends are moving on and getting married and starting families. I am of course very, very happy for them, but around a few years ago I kind of went through an identity crisis, where I thought, Am I doing this grown-up thing wrong if I’m not married with kids yet? I really love Platonic because it reminded me to keep showing up as a friend, but it also makes a good point that even in friendships respecting others’ boundaries, including my own boundaries, is important in order to have healthy friendships. I sometimes find myself getting anxious if my friends didn’t text me back right away or weren’t always available for me, but in the book she talks about attachment styles, and reading this section about attachment styles helped me understand why I often got super attached to my friends in that way and that I don’t need to always take it personally if they don’t text back right away or can’t always hang out. I am working on respecting my friends’ boundaries and also in the book, Franco talks about how even though it’s important to show up for your friends, it’s important to take care of yourself, too. I am realizing how important this is as I get older. If I am burned out, tired and stressed and not taking care of my well-being, I won’t have any more energy to show up for others. In the book Franco shares about this one young woman who struggled with people-pleasing in her friendships. She was an empath and a good listener, but her friends took advantage of that and expected her to be available for them 24/7. Casey realized these friendships were very one-sided dependent relationships but Franco says that she finally found a friend who wasn’t dependent and who respected Casey’s boundaries. It seems like a lot of people I talk to struggle with people-pleasing, and I am also one of those people. I still struggle with people-pleasing but after reading books and going to therapy I am trying to do a lot better at setting boundaries while also respecting the boundaries of others. In secure friendships both people get their needs met, and I am working on becoming a friend who can show up for my friends while also making sure to take care of myself. In short, I really loved Platonic because it reminded me that even if I am not dating or married, I can still treasure my friendships and the book also encouraged me to not be afraid of cultivating new friendships.
Not much really. I live in a suburb where I don’t really get to see much wildlife. The only time I really saw wild animals was whenever I went to a zoo but it’s not like I actually got to go in and pet the wildlife because they were behind glass or metal bars. When I was in middle school our dean issued a warning about bobcats and coyotes being in the vicinity of the school and so my parents would always pick me up before I could get curious and say, OOH I want to see a coyote or bobcat! I don’t know if armadillos are considered wild animals, but I did see one on my walk but I saw it when it was dead. I only see wild animals in movies and as a kid at the zoo. I did see a bunch of deer at Deer Park though in Varanasi, India. It was really cool to see the deer and it is one of my favorite memories of India.
Honestly this is why I love YouTube though because I can watch all the elephants, tigers and bears I want without worrying about getting trampled or eaten for dinner (of course I’m probably making an unfair generalization about these animals because they’re probably not always out to get me or eat me for dinner and are probably just trying to protect themselves against predators.) I remember seeing a YouTube video of this man named Paul Barton and he always played music on his piano for elephants in this elephant sanctuary in Thailand. Seeing these videos has brought me so much pure joy and it kind of makes me want to book a plane ticket to that elephant sanctuary.
In my junior year of college I remember when the movie Her came out Saturday Night Live did a parody of it called “Me” with Jonah Hill and Michael Cera. Even though I had not seen the movie yet, the parody was incredibly hilarious. I think now that I watched the film and understood the plot better, I found the parody even funnier. But when I saw the actual movie of course, I was left pondering a lot of deep questions and themes. If you haven’t seen the movie it is about an introverted lonely man named Theodore Twombly (played by Joaquin Phoenix) who is getting a divorce and writes letters for other people for a living. He befriends an operating system named Samantha (played by Scarlett Johansson) and what starts off as a casual friendship becomes something much deeper. Even though Samantha is not a human, she experiences human emotions and has empathy just like humans do, even more so it seems than the people around Theodore. Theodore lets his love life with Samantha consume him, and it puts him at odds with his ex-wife (played by Rooney Mara), who accuses him of escaping his problems and not dealing with real emotions, which is the same problem he had when they were married. However, Theodore’s relationship with Samantha changes over time as well. He thought that he could hold onto her forever, but like any relationship, whether between two humans or a human and an operating system, things change and people grow and start to learn more about themselves. The only other person it seems who can truly know what he is going through with his love for Samantha is his friend, Amy (played by Amy Adams), who makes documentaries and also is not happy in her marriage to Charles. When Amy and Charles break up, Theodore and Amy both engage in relationships with their operating systems and when the operating systems don’t continue anymore, they are left to face themselves.
This movie really made me reflect on how technology has played a role in my life. I actually wanted to watch the film now because I was keeping up with news about the writer’s strike and the actor’s strike and the use of artificial intelligence (AI) in Hollywood was a huge debate. Many argued that it would force many actors and screenwriters out of their jobs, and others argued for it. To be honest, I didn’t dive deep enough into these debates, but I will say, technology has had a pretty huge impact on how people function. Honestly, the idea that people walk around with these operating systems in their ears and don’t talk to each other wasn’t all that surprising as I watched the movie. I go to the supermarket all the time and see quite a few people talking into their Bluetooth headsets, and I often see a lot of people spending time on their smartphones whenever I go out, whether to my place of worship, or the supermarket, or restaurants, smartphones are pretty much everywhere. Not that having a smartphone is a bad thing, of course. I use my phone to navigate directions when I am going to someone’s house. I use my phone to watch funny videos and exercise videos, and also listen to music. I listen to podcasts on my phone. I use my phone to call and text. But like anything else, you need balance, and I think these past couple of years my phone use has increased and I often find myself scrolling the news on my phone to avoid talking to people or when situations get uncomfortable or make me nervous. I would see the people in my life spend time on their phones when they had spare time and I started to think, Okay, well this might be a social thing so maybe I should do it, too, and before I knew it I was spending lots of time on my phone. I really didn’t think I would use it that much. I got my first smartphone in 2016 to go out of the country, but I didn’t even use it much because there wasn’t much cell service where I was, so I could not call home much or even text. And I also dropped my phone while texting and walking down stairs, which in hindsight was not a great idea, because I was about to catch a flight back home and could not call my family to tell them what happened (the least I could have done was borrow someone’s phone, but I was so deep in grief and shame and self-criticism while sitting at the airport, with no phone, that I didn’t even bother.) I think watching The Social Dilemma and reading more about my addiction to technology helped me understand ways that I could better monitor my behavior because they let me know that smartphones and social media were purposely designed to be addicting. That is why smartphones have bright colors and why we have all these apps where you can like, share and comment, because it releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine in the brain, which requires you to do activities that bring you pleasure in order to get that dopamine or reward boost. I’ve realized after doing more research and becoming more aware of my phone use that I want that pleasure hit, so I need to check my phone constantly. But after a while, you realize you probably don’t need to be on the phone all the time. It’s gotten to the point where we need to even have books about phone addiction and limiting phone use and screen time. I checked out a book called How to Break Up with Your Phone by Catherine Price and listened to a podcast special where Vivek Murthy and Catherine are talking about being more mindful of phone use. I first found out about the causes of phone addiction from reading a book called Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport, where he talks about why phones and social media are so addicting. It’s because companies designed these devices to be like slot machines, which also make you use them all the time because it releases that dopamine in your brain. I really didn’t think my phone use was going to get that bad. But I think watching Her made me really reflect on why I am using technology and what I want to get out of it in a super hyper connected but lonely world.
In the film Her, Theodore writes other people’s letters for them for a living. Of course, there may be valid reasons but considering Her is a science fiction movie it just made me wonder if people stopped writing letters because they now relied on artificial intelligence to do everything for them (I thought it was interesting how all the employees at this handwriting company write the letters on computers, which I think shows how even when it comes to writing letters, people still need to rely on technology to write them. Not that there is anything wrong with that of course, but it reminded me that this is a science fiction movie that takes place at a time when technology is everywhere and people need to rely on artificial intelligence for everything.) I love writing letters, and no matter how many times I text someone or how eloquent I sound over text (which I usually don’t) nothing beats writing a handwritten letter. In 2020, while in quarantine with family, I often wrote letters to my friends and writing these letters felt so personal and allowed me to convey stuff that would be really hard to type over the phone. I think writing letters also is good practice for me as a writer, too, because it helps me get my thoughts out on paper. For some reason the company Theodore works for, Beautiful Handwritten Letters.com, reminded me somewhat of the movie Young Adult, which is about a ghostwriter. Even though I saw it a while ago, there is one scene I remember from the movie where Charlize Theron’s character, Mavis, who is the ghostwriter of a series of young adult novels, goes into a bookstore and finds the books she ghost-wrote on clearance. She is appalled and starts signing the books with her name in them. When the clerk tells her she cannot sign the books, she tells him she is the actual author of the books, not Jane McMurray, who created the series but didn’t actually write the book. When she asks if he wants a signed copy, he declines and says that if she signs the books, they can’t take them back to the publisher, which they were intending on doing because while the series was once popular, no one will probably buy her books now because they are no longer popular. When he turns away, she starts grabbing all of the books and signing them, and he gets angry at her and tells her she can’t write in the books, and she leaves angrily with the copy she signed. Mavis spent much of her career writing these books under someone else’s name, and at this point in the movie when things are just not working out for her in any area of life, she is fed up and seeing the books she worked so hard to write end up in clearance because they aren’t going to sell like hot cakes anymore really hurts. Writing is such a personal journey and even as someone who is not a professional writer, I am sure Mavis put a lot of work into writing those books and they even became a part of her. I was not sure if Theodore Twombly was going to get credit for writing those beautiful handwritten letters (as I listened to him read the letters he was writing I found myself pretty moved by his beautiful writing) but Samantha decides that he deserves at least some credit for writing these letters so she has compiled some of his letters into a book and sent it to be published. It would be really interesting if the company Beautiful Handwritten Letters existed in real life and I would be interested to know what goes into the business of writing other people’s letters. I am sure there are instances in real life where people have others write their letters for them for various reasons. But to be honest, I don’t want handwritten letters to go away. I want to keep writing letters for as long as I live, as long as I have a pen and paper in hand. The existence of Beautiful Handwritten Letters in the movie is a pretty significant detail because it reminded me to not lose the art of writing a handwritten letter to someone even in this age of technology. I haven’t written long letters in a while, but I think at some point I want to go back to writing them.
Loneliness is a pretty huge theme in this movie. I have started becoming more interested in learning about the science of loneliness after grappling with my own challenges of loneliness. I remember in 2021 grappling with serious anxiety and depression and I felt I had no one to turn to. I remember reaching out to one of my friends and taking part in Zoom meetings with my SGI Buddhist community, and I think that helped a lot. Even though loneliness is painful I have been using my Buddhist practice to create value and meaning from it, and I have also come to understand that everyone feels lonely at times. Having a romantic partner doesn’t mean that you won’t ever be lonely, and even as a single person who was happy being introverted, I soon realized after spending a lot of time in isolation in 2020 that like everyone else, I am a social creature and need human interaction and connection just like everyone else. I remember reading the book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek Murthy, and I remember feeling a sigh of relief because I thought that I was the only one feeling lonely and disconnected from others and reading that book reminded me that loneliness is a common experience for many people, to the point where it’s even become a serious public health issue. Reading the book made me want to cherish my connections with people more.
There was a scene in the movie Her that really almost made me choke up. Maybe it is because earlier I was still crying after writing that review of the movie Lamb because it brought up a lot of my own experiences with grief these past few years and the more recent experience of grief I had after losing my mentor in faith. In this scene, Scarlett Johansson’s character, Samantha, tells Theodore that she has an idea to spice up their relationship: because she doesn’t have a human body, she will hire a surrogate partner when they are having sex. He tells her he is not comfortable with this because allowing a third person in their relationship would only leave them hurt, but Samantha insists that she really wants a surrogate, and not wanting to upset her, Theodore reluctantly agrees. Isabella arrives and attaches Samantha (in the shape of a beauty mark) to her face, and as she has sex with Theodore, she doesn’t say anything but lets Samantha’s voice do the talking. When they are about to get really heavy into the sex and Isabella is really enjoying it, Theodore suddenly stops and tells Samantha he thinks this is to weird and begs her to stop because he doesn’t know Isabella. Hurt and crushed by what Theodore said, Isabella leaves in tears and Samantha and Theodore both beg her to come back, but she says that no one really wants her to be there and that she saw how pure Samantha and Theodore’s relationship was and she really wanted to be part of something like that. Theodore misspeaks and says that isn’t true, and Samantha becomes angry with him for implying that their relationship wasn’t pure love, and Isabella leaves because she is just really heartbroken that Theodore and Samantha seem to not want anything to do with her anymore. I don’t know if I’m reading too deeply into this scene or not, but it really made my heart heavy because it showed me that even though Isabella was supposed to just do her job of being a surrogate partner, she is also a human being who wanted to feel respected and valued and she didn’t feel respected or valued by either of these people. Isabella must have also felt really lonely, too, and she wanted human connection, and she felt really sad that Theodore and Samantha didn’t want her to be in their relationship. There is one scene where Theodore reflects on what his ex-wife criticizes him about when they meet, that he is dating a computer so that he doesn’t have to deal with the problems that he faced in their marriage , and he tells his friend Amy that maybe Catherine is right, that he is dating Samantha because he is not ready for a real relationship. Amy gives him pause and asks him if he really thinks that relationship with Samantha isn’t a real relationship just because she is an operating system. She finds happiness with Charles’s operating system, Ellie, and is even happier with Ellie than she is was with Charles, who she often got into fights with.
There is also an earlier scene where Samantha sets Theodore up on a blind date and he goes on a date with this woman, played by Olivia Wilde, and at first things are going well. They are talking and laughing, and getting drunk. And then Olivia Wilde makes out with him and Theodore struggles to get intimate with her, and she asks him to assure her that he is not going to be like the other guys she went on dates with who didn’t call her back. She wants to know if he seriously loves her and wants to be in a relationship with her. When he says he isn’t sure, she is upset and says that at her age, she cannot afford to waste her time with someone who isn’t willing to commit, and calls him a creepy dude and when he offers to walk her back, she refuses and leaves. As someone who hasn’t been on many dates and has only had one romantic partner in my life so far, I didn’t really know whether I could relate, but I could definitely relate to that feeling of loneliness, that craving for human connection and love and respect, and I saw that the blind date felt that this was not the man she would feel okay being in a relationship with. And Theodore was also on the fence because he finds himself falling in love with Samantha, and he isn’t interested in having a committed relationship with the blind date because he really loves Samantha. However, as I saw later in the movie, he finds out that his relationship with Samantha is changing over time and she eventually moves on and hangs out with other operating systems and becomes an operating system for other people, so she can’t really commit to being with just Theodore anymore. It seemed like Samantha was the key to alleviating Theodore’s profound loneliness, but when their relationship changes and she moves on with her life, he is back to square one. But it gives him time to reflect and so he writes to his ex-wife apologizing to her and expressing his appreciation for her.
Honestly, this movie was very profound. I had heard so much about it but I had not seen it until now. Theodore’s experience with loneliness and love really resonated with me, and it was a very touching film. And the acting was amazing. I wanted to go to bed early, but I just couldn’t stop watching this movie. It was really good.
Her. 2hr 6 min. 2013. Directed by Spike Jonze. Starring Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Pratt, Rooney Mara, Amy Adams and Olivia Wilde. Rated R for language, sexual content and brief graphic nudity.
I would probably be more confident about making decisions. I often struggle to feel confident in my decision making and often second guess myself and will go through a lot of analysis paralysis and procrastination, but by the time I make the decision it is usually made for me. I think being more confident in my decisions is especially important around this time, because I am starting to weigh a lot of major life decisions, like Should I get married? Should I buy a house or rent an apartment? Should I have children? I often tend to compare myself to others or look at other people’s lives and think, Maybe I should do that, maybe I shouldn’t. It is still something I am working on, to be honest, but I think practicing Buddhism is helping me become more confident in who I am. I am also learning that it is okay to take time when it comes to some major life decisions because I want to know what kind of life I want to live. I also tend to say “sorry” a lot and that is something that has been bugging my family and friends for a while. I have been saying “sorry” all the time since I was a kid because I do not want to hurt people’s feelings. I understand apologies are necessary in some circumstances, but I am realizing that saying “sorry” all the time isn’t great if I don’t learn from the mistakes I made. Neither is beating myself up or belittling myself. I am very self-critical at times and it is easy for me to think that in order to learn from the mistake, I need to beat myself up unnecessarily but I am realizing that beating myself up all of the time isn’t nice nor is it productive for me (or anyone else, really. There are only so many apologies that people are willing to accept from me and believe me, the people in my life have accepted one too many.)
The Arts Are Life 