On Being Asexual

First off, I hope you had a happy Valentine’s Day and also Singles Awareness Day! I normally don’t talk about love and relationships, to be honest, because I haven’t had much experience with them. I have had more crushes than sexual or romantic partners, and yet most of my playlist is love songs. Because love is such a universal experience, and it comes in all different shapes, sizes, and colors. That being said, I want to talk about something that I have been exploring a lot of lately, and that is asexuality. For those who aren’t familiar with asexuality, an asexual person is someone who feels little to no sexual attraction. I first encountered the term around 2012, the summer before entering college. I had gone to a college preparatory program at a nearby university, and I was having a casual conversation about dating and romance with some of the people on the program, and one of them said she identified as asexual and that people at school would make fun of her for being asexual. I told them that I didn’t really want to go out with anyone in school, and so then they told me about aromanticism, which is a lack of romantic attraction.

Over the years I have wrestled with my sexual orientation, and whether I am truly asexual or not. I have even taken quizzes online to find out if I am asexual or not. But as I am educating myself and learning from other people’s experiences, I am realizing that there is no single way to be asexual and there is no one way to look or behave as an asexual. While asexuals experience little to no sexual attraction, asexuality exists on a wide spectrum. There are demisexuals, graysexuals and so many other orientations within asexuality. There are asexuals who who participate in sexual intercourse, who get married, who have children, and there are asexuals, like me, who don’t. There are asexuals who are repulsed by sex, who are indifferent to sex, who are sex positive. There are white asexuals and asexuals of color. To be honest, it’s been a journey exploring my asexuality, but I am glad to have gone on that journey. I remember there was an asexuality awareness campus club at my college, and I wanted to join during my first year, but I already had a lot of commitments with work-study, orchestra and my classes that I didn’t know if I would have time. But then sophomore year, I started to wonder, Maybe I want to dig into this asexualiy research a little more. I found the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and there was a forum, and I was so excited to join, especially because I hadn’t found many other asexuals on campus except for a few. I also had joined an Asexuality Awareness Club on campus, but once again I didn’t end up joining the club for the long term. I think these past couple of years I am still growing and going through this process of self-realization. I even wrestled with wondering whether my asexuality was just a phase and if I would grow out of it or not. But I am starting to embrace it more, even if it is still a work in progress.

Random Playlist

This is a list of songs I have listened to these past couple of weeks. It’s Black History Month, too, so I wanted to include a lot of music by Black artists.

  1. Monday, Monday: The Mamas and The Papas
  2. You Make Loving Fun: Fleetwood Mac
  3. People Get Up and Drive Your Funky Soul: James Brown
  4. Love, Love, Love: Donny Hathaway
  5. Aquarius, Let the Sunshine In: The 5th Dimension
  6. A Brand New Me: Aretha Franklin
  7. Mary, Don’t You Weep: Aretha Franklin
  8. Golden Lady: Stevie Wonder
  9. Sara: Fleetwood Mac
  10. Too High: Stevie Wonder
  11. Clean Up Woman: Betty Wright
  12. Who: David Byrne and St. Vincent
  13. After the Dance: Marvin Gaye
  14. Hey Love: Stevie Wonder
  15. Fire: The Pointer Sisters
  16. Nikita: Elton John
  17. Fool in Love: Tina Turner
  18. Night Moves: Bob Seger
  19. Baltimore: Nina Simone
  20. Sinnerman: Nina Simone
  21. Bridge over Troubled Waters: Aretha Franklin
  22. Misty Blue: Etta James
  23. Confessions: Usher
  24. I’ve Been Loving You Too Long: Etta James
  25. West Coast: Lana del Rey
  26. Watermelon Man: Herbie Hancock
  27. Boogie on Reggae Woman: Stevie Wonder
  28. Jump: Aretha Franklin
  29. Flowers: Miley Cyrus
  30. Raise Your Glass: P!NK

Episode Synopsis: Abbott Elementary, season 3, episode 3

I love Abbott Elementary. It is one of my favorite shows, and I was so excited that season 3 is finally here! I missed the first two episodes, so I need to catch up, but I definitely did not want to miss it. In this episode, Janine and Jacob are trying to find an American Sign Language (ASL) interpreter for a student who needs an interpreter, but Janine has to go through several hoops in order to get the interpreter. She has to go through several chains of command, and she has high hopes that she will just get it approved immediately, but that isn’t how it works. Instead, her proposal gets rejected and after going through several people for the approval, she almost gives up. But Ava and Janine’s fellow teachers encourage her to keep going. Meanwhile, a group of Gregory’s students start to come into his classroom and hang out there frequently, even though Gregory wants to spend his free time alone. They come in with issues about their personal lives, and try to ask how they can get girls, and one student passes gas. This causes Gregory a lot of stress because he just wants to spend time alone. I was kind of squealing with joy because there is one moment where the students come in, and Gregory is reading the book Quiet by Susan Cain. If you haven’t read Quiet, I recommend it. As an introvert, I really loved it because it reminded me that there are also a lot of people like me who are introverted and that there is nothing wrong with wanting to recharge in solitude sometimes. Susan Cain talks about how introverts can make valuable leaders and shares her own experiences about moving through the world as an introvert. I remember reading it in high school and feeling, Wow, I am not alone. I feel seen and heard. I feel like Quiet was the perfect book for Gregory because I learned from this episode that he is someone who values his alone time. Gregory finally manages to set some boundaries with the students, and he tells them that they can’t come in his room talking with him about girls, and one of the students asks if he can still pass gas, and Gregory lets him. He has to set this boundary because one of the students asks him for advice about this girl he is dating because he wants to buy her a chain, and Gregory tells him to focus on school and then he and the other guys can focus on girls later. However, the student takes his advice too far and he ends up breaking up with his girlfriend, causing her to break down in tears and causing Melissa to ask Gregory what on Earth he did to make the young woman cry. Gregory realizes that the student took it too literally, and so he has to establish boundaries so that the kids aren’t coming in trying to get him to always give advice about their relationship problems. Mr. Johnson, the custodian, comes into Gregory’s classroom when he is trying to have some alone time, and Gregory tells him he is reluctant that his students think he is the “cool teacher.” Mr. Johnson busts up laughing because he thinks Gregory is anything but the “cool teacher,” and Melissa comes in trying to get a break, and Gregory admits that he is being called “the cool teacher,” and like Mr. Johnson, Melissa laughs because she can’t believe Gregory would be called “the cool teacher.”

Tariq, Janine’s ex-boyfriend, comes back into the picture because there is a student at Abbott named Nick, and Nick’s mom is dating Tariq. Earlier in seasons 1 and 2, Tariq was Janine’s boyfriend, and they had a very codependent relationship in which Janine took responsibility for his mistakes and his mess, and he depended on her to always take care of him. (This reminds me of myself, because I tend to be dependent a little too much on others and get comfortable with depending on them, when I can just do the thing myself. But that’s for another blog post.) Janine breaks up with him because he is just a really not-great boyfriend, and she is moving on with her life and moving up in her career. But when he comes back in this episode, it is not a pleasant experience for Janine, especially when he rubs it in her face that he has a new girlfriend. Tariq learns to respect his girlfriend’s son by calling him the name he prefers. Barbara, who is a no-nonsense teacher and has taught at Abbott for many years, advises him to not call Nick “Tariq, Jr.” or “T.J.” because Nick hates it, and because Nick is his real name. Tariq decides to do better (a little bit better, anyway) and call Nick by his preferred name.

Honestly, I cannot wait to watch the next episode of Abbott Elementary.

Succession Season 3, episode 4

I am just going to be talking about a few scenes in this episode. This is just a rough draft.

Gregory goes to see Logan and he greets Logan with a hearty good morning. Logan offers him something to drink and Gregory has this confused look on his face and asks Logan if he means an alcoholic drink. Gregory asks for a rum and coke, but he is at first joking around, but Logan takes him seriously and asks Kerry, his assistant, to bring him a rum and coke. Gregory says that Kerry doesn’t have to do that, but Logan says “What Greg wants, Greg must have.” Greg is very nervous throughout his discussion with Logan because Logan is an intimidating man, and Gregory is in hot water because Kendall went against the Roy family and talked about a lot of corrupt practices that the company did for many years. Gregory still works for Logan, so Logan has Gregory sign a non-disclosure agreement, but Gregory wants to know what is in it for him. Logan tells him that is not how things work with him, and so he makes Gregory sign the agreement. The scene where Greg wonders if Logan means to offer him alcohol reminded me of the scene in Mean Girls, where Cady Heron goes to Regina George’s house for the first time, and Regina’s mom, who is a permissive parent who lets her daughter do whatever she wants, brings them drinks. Cady asks Regina’s mom if there is alcohol in the drinks, and Regina’s mom tells her “Oh, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am?” But she tells Cady that if she wants alcohol, she has it in the house and Cady is welcome to it, but Cady politely declines. Greg reminds me of Cady before she became a Mean Girl because he is polite and awkward. They both remind me of me when I was growing up because I am awkward and introverted, and I remember people would always joke that I was too polite.

There is another scene where Tom approaches Greg in Greg’s office about how he, Tom, might go to jail. Greg is excited because he might be transferring to another department, the Parks division. Tom is not happy for Greg because all he can think about is his lawyer telling him, Tom, that he might go to jail after he testified for Congress about the Cruise documents. Tom tries to beat up on Greg and starts hitting him and telling Greg to fight him, but Greg tells him to stop hitting him and that he doesn’t want to fight. Tom and Greg have a very toxic relationship. I wouldn’t even call it a friendship because Greg just tries to do whatever Tom says because Tom intimidates him. I really do love the acting between these two characters. Somehow Greg’s office got cleaned up pretty quickly. At the beginning, Tom offers Greg the office and it is very unkempt and messy and there is stuff everywhere, and there is no room for Greg to have a space to work. But by the time Tom comes back, he sees that Greg has a desk and space to work, and there is a basket of large croissants and other pastries on the desk. Honestly, those pastries looked delicious. I am vegan but I would have loved to enjoy a pastry or two with Greg and Tom at the moment.

There is another scene where Logan gets heat exhaustion. He, Josh and Kendall are talking about the shareholder deal with Josh, who is a major investor (I was really pumped to see Adrien Brody playing Josh’s character because I loved his work in Cadillac Records, The Pianist and The Grand Budapest Hotel), but Logan has health problems and can’t walk that far, and Josh is taking them on the hike way too far. Logan refuses help when Kendall offers to call a doctor, but then he starts vomiting on the side of the road and then has a heart attack, prompting Josh and Kendall to get him to a doctor immediately. Kendall asks Josh about the deal, but Josh thinks Kendall should focus on taking care of his dad. Roman tells Kendall that Josh pulled out of the deal because Logan’s heart attack scared him.

TV Show Synopsis: Succession, Season 3, Episode 3: The Disruption

I just finished up episode 3 of the third season of the HBO show Succession. Honestly, this show is giving me goosebumps. The acting is really good, and things are really starting to heat up.

Honestly, one part of the show I like is that Shiv Roy is always so well dressed. She just always has the coolest outfits. When she goes to a conference in the evening, she is dressed in a beautiful long dark blue dress and her hair is styled in this beautiful way. She just looks so elegant. Kendall is having a ball releasing all this corrupt stuff about his dad. In one scene, he is in a limousine with Naomi Pierce, Greg and some other people and they are reading tweets that people have written about what Kendall did, and they play a game of “good tweet/ bad tweet” where they judge whether the tweet was good or bad. Logan, however, doesn’t want to deal with Kendall himself. He wants everyone on his team to make sure that he doesn’t come back to Waystar Royco headquarters because of all the stuff he said about Logan and the allegations he leaked about the company’s history of sexual abuse and corrupt practices. It’s interesting how Tom used to come off as this confident person just because he was the head of the news network at Waystar Royco, but the more time he spends around Logan, the more intimidated and scared he becomes. He is in a lot of hot water, and so he gets more and more stressed in his interactions with Greg. Earlier he had a lot of fun poking at Greg and bullying him, but now he sees that Logan is intimidating and he becomes fearful. Tom approaches Greg in his office, and puts two Tic-Tacs on his desk and says in a deadpan way that since they are in deep water, they have to take these cyanide pills. Greg takes him seriously, but Tom tells him he is kidding and that they are just Tic-Tacs. Tom still treats Greg like his subordinate though even though Logan intimidates him. Tom gives Greg another office, but it is a super cluttered storage room with no space to really work. Greg is reasonably upset and thinks it’s punishment, but Tom lets him know he is under a lot of pressure right now because everyone is freaking out about Kendall leaking the cruise allegations and they are trying to figure out how to stop him. Tom tells Greg to come for drinks so they can sort this out. Earlier they had to testify in Washington, D.C. about the Cruises allegations, and this really was not a great experience for Tom or Greg. Tom told Greg in season 1 to shred the Cruises documents, which detailed all of the allegations against Waystar Royco of abuse and other corrupt practices, and Greg did so. I was so stressed for him because I knew there would be consequences if he shredded those papers. I know Greg said he saved copies of those documents, but he still shredded a lot of them and still had to testify in Congress. It really shows how Tom and Greg have a very toxic relationship with one another.

There is a brief moment where Nate, who was Shiv’s ex-boyfriend, approaches her and they exchange some salty insults towards one another. In an older episode, Shiv quit Gil’s campaign even though at the beginning she was on board with Nate and Gil for taking down her dad, and this soured her relationship with Nate. Nate and Shiv had to stop seeing each other anyway because Tom was upset that Shiv still had feelings for Nate even though she and Tom were engaged, and so Tom approaches Nate and tells him to back off of his wife. Kendall approaches Shiv and Shiv tells him that he made a huge mistake releasing those Cruise allegations, and that Logan is really worried that Kendall will mess up the shareholder vote by releasing more about the allegations in his interviews. Earlier, Kendall asked his siblings if they would support his decision to take down his dad and release all this corrupt stuff he did, but they were worried about getting their inheritance cut off so they backed out of supporting Kendall. Kendall thinks they are cowards and goes off and plans to take down Logan and Waystar by himself, with his own team to back him up. Shiv thinks that Kendall is doing all this out of ego, but Kendall thinks she is just being full of it because she is now the president of domestic operations at Waystar Royco.

Meanwhile Roman is in an interview with someone, and they are asking personal questions about his childhood. Roman, however, is not comfortable with the interview and leaves the interviewer. Shiv meets with Logan in private, and he tells her that he needs to trust her because he cannot trust Gerri. He admits that he didn’t know about what happened in the Cruises division, and that he doesn’t read his emails. He also thinks that he is above the law. Kendall, Greg, Naomi and others are at a party and Greg tries to get Kendall to buy his watch, but Kendall refuses. On the big screen TV at the party, everyone watches this comedic commentator named Sophie Iwobi (I just found out that Ziwe plays Sophie), who is sort of like a Samantha Bee-type commentator. She roasts Kendall’s privilege and his whiteness, and everyone laughs because they know it is satire.

Shiv comes home and finds Tom petting their dog and drinking. He is worried that he might go to jail because things are really going downhill after the Cruises allegations, and Tom says he should speak to Logan about it and propose himself as the beating post. This scene really showed me how scared Tom is of losing his reputation and how scared he is of Logan Roy’s power. I thought the scene where he has to play that humiliating Boar on the Floor game was bad, but that was just the beginning. Tom finally sees Logan for the corrupt and manipulative person he is. Kendall wakes up and checks his phone for more commentary from people about him, and he is starting to soak up all the attention that people are paying to him. He probably feels good considering his dad kicked him off the team on that episode where they are on a yacht. Kendall sees Michelle-Anne Vanderhoven, the senior White House aide, on ATN news talking about the allegations against Waystar, and he calls Jess and Greg to tell them to prepare his office at the Waystar Royco building because he is going back to the office. Logan confronts Michelle about what is going on, and tells her that this whole thing has become a witch-hunt and that prosecutors are after him. Logan doesn’t want anything to do with this, but he can’t just get away from this without consequences. Shiv and Roman read some of the responses and questions fielded from employees at Waystar, and many of them have to do with the toxic environment at the company. They suddenly receive word that Kendall has arrived at Waystar and is going to enter the building, and Logan yells at everyone to keep him out of the building and prevent him from going in. Karolina and Hugo, who are PR assistants to Logan, go down to the entrance and try to block Kendall from entering. Kendall finds that his keycard is no longer working, but he determines to go through the entrance anyway. Kendall makes his way upstairs and Tom approaches him. Tom is extremely nervous that Kendall is here, and they have an awkward conversation, but I could tell Tom was really nervous because he knows Logan won’t be happy knowing Kendall got into the building. Kendall whispers to Tom that he has an opportunity to join Kendall in destroying his dad’s reputation, but Tom is too nervous to side with Kendall because then he will lose his reputation and social standing. Kendall then goes into his office and finds that he is locked out of his computer, and he starts to wonder what is going on. Then he feels the room is cold and finds that someone has hacked his A/C. A security guard appears in the room and intimidates Kendall, telling him “I know you.” Shiv then gets up in front of several people to address how Waystar is responding to the sexual abuse allegations that Kendall (she refers to him as a “senior executive” rather than his real name), but before she can finish her speech, someone blasts the song “Rape Me” by Nirvana, drowning out her speech (I wasn’t sure who did it, but I realized it was Kendall who ordered someone to blast the song.) Everyone is just really confused. Shiv decides to draft a letter attacking Kendall and wants Connor and Roman to join her in getting the letter published, but they don’t think it is a good idea because it has a lot of private stuff about his life that he wouldn’t want anyone to know about. Shiv gets angry and publishes the letter herself. Kendall goes on Sophie’s show and he is really excited to meet the writing team, and he tells them to come at him with all the insults and jokes about him because he thinks he can handle it. However, he finds out that the letter Shiv wrote about him and his personal life has gone online (I didn’t know what it was at first. I thought that they were going to release the dick pic that he took for Naomi Pierce, but then I saw he was reading a lot of text on his phone, so I realized it was probably something else that he didn’t want to be released.) He tells the producer that he doesn’t want them to bring up that letter when he appears on the show and says he may have to sit the interview out, but the producer tells him they go on in fifteen minutes so they can’t change anything. He feels embarrassed and pained, and he walks down the hall as ominous piano music plays, and he goes into the back room and curls up alone and refuses to go on the show during Sophie’s segment about him. Gerri informs Logan that the Department of Justice is coming to Waystar to issue a search warrant in light of the allegations, and Logan agrees to cooperate. Tom is having a nice dinner with everyone, but Hugo interrupts to tell him about the search warrant, so Tom has to inform everyone it is happening.

I am anticipating what is going to happen in the next episode. Honestly, I cannot stop watching this show. It is full of juicy drama. I think this episode really showed me how fed-up Kendall is with his dad at this point. He sees how his dad is treating people poorly and how he manipulates Kendall and all the other kids, and Kendall is just done. Greg was closely following Tom these past two seasons, but then when Kendall had Greg accompany him to interviews and work with Jess to be his advocates, Tom got jealous and upset with Greg. I wonder how or if Logan is going to cooperate with the FBI investigation, because earlier he was telling Shiv that he was above the law and could handle what was about to come next for him, but I don’t know if that’s the case anymore. I still think it’s interesting to see this change in Tom’s character, though. For the last two seasons I saw him pick on Greg, and then he has Greg be his assistant. But then he is intimidated by Logan, to the point where he volunteers to be the one to go to jail for wrongdoing, but Logan says that won’t be necessary. I think Tom saw especially how bad Logan was not just in Hungary but also after Kendall, Shiv, and Roman hold a panel discussion and Shiv jokes about removing their dad from power (“an old-fashioned dinosaur cull”) and Logan hits Roman for joking about his dad being an “old dinosaur.” Tom sees this and realizes how much of a bully Logan is to people. It must have been a humiliating experience for Kendall, though, to have Shiv release that personal information about his addiction and relationships. In an earlier episode, the two of them hugged and Kendall thought he could trust Shiv with stuff about his addiction and recovery, but she lost trust in him after he went against the company and released the allegations. I think having that letter put up on the Internet for everyone to read about was a painful experience for Kendall because that was really personal stuff, and even Roman and Connor thought it was a messed-up idea for Shiv to write that letter attacking Kendall. I really love Jeremy Strong’s role as Kendall. He brought a lot of energy to this role, and so much depth. I haven’t seen many of his previous works, but he really acted the hell out of his role as Kendall. It’s like he just went full throttle with his character at this point in the season, and I’m soaking up every minute of it.

Lambert’s

During road trips to Chicago, we would often go to a few places: The Flying Fish in Little Rock, Arkansas; Cracker Barrel (anywhere we went through the South had a Cracker Barrel, so we were pretty fortunate in that sense); or McDonalds. During one road trip to Chicago (I think it was during my winter break), we decided to go outside our comfort zone and try a restaurant called Lambert’s, which was located in Missouri. We didn’t know much about it, other than that they were called “Home of the Throwed Rolls.” We were pretty intrigued by the title, not just by the intentional grammar choice but because as a kid I was picturing a scene where a bunch of waiters and waitresses were throwing rolls at people in a sort of Sylvester Stallone action type movie. Would I get hit in the eye? The groin? The nose? How would I dodge these rolls once the waiters and waitresses started throwing them? And would this go down as a food fight, the kind I saw in movies like Max Keeble’s Big Move? I am exaggerating, but from what I can remember they were serious about throwing the rolls. And even more serious about the portion sizes.

We walked into the restaurant and blues music played on the stereo. It was a bustling day, and there were quite a few people. Even though we didn’t eat red meat or poultry, we ate fish, so we ordered four plates of fried catfish. They would charge us extra if we shared a plate. I didn’t know what was in store for us when we set foot in the restaurant, but let me tell you, it was neither Cracker Barrel nor The Flying Fish. It was a completely new experience.

Waiters came around with tin cans of a sticky syrup called sorghum. Up until I stepped foot in this restaurant, the only sweeteners I had consumed were honey and cane sugar.

“Sooorrrrghum on your rolls!” a young mustachioed waiter hollered as he came around with sorghum. Fluffy hot rolls flew at us, and we caught them with serious baseball sportsmanship.

“Macaroni and tomatoes!”

I nodded, and the waitress heaped my plate with macaroni and tomatoes. I ate. Mmmm, I said, as I dug into the buttery pasta. My stomach shelf was at about 40 percent. I ate a bread roll with sorghum. It was an interesting taste. I chewed the roll and swallowed, and it worked its way through my throat like warm glue. Oh, gosh, my stomach groaned. You are at sixty five percent, kid. Slow down.

“Fried okra!” As a kid who grew up in the South, I couldn’t say no to some fried okra. It was just too good. I savored each bite. My stomach was yelling a little louder. You are at seventy-five percent! Don’t give me any more food to digest!

But I couldn’t. I also didn’t want to hurt the waiters’ feelings by saying “no, thank you.” Our plates of fried catfish came around, and by the time they got to our table, our stomachs were smaller than our eyes. I wanted to take a break, but the food just kept coming around. My stomach was screaming, STOPPPP!!! IT IS WAY TOO MUCH FOOD! You are at 110 percent!!! I weakly eyed my catfish, and my stomach nearly lurched. I grabbed my fork and cut through a sliver of the fried fish filet and took a bite. Delicious. I took more forkfuls and almost made it through half of the catfish. My family was almost done with theirs and they were getting pretty full, too. We groaned from the pain of eating more than your stomach allows you to.

“Macaroni and tomatoes?” A woman came around with a bowl of macaroni and tomatoes. She had a Santa hat on, and a cheery disposition.

I waved my hand in defeat. I might as well have waved my white napkin and called a truce between me, my stomach, and all that delicious Southern goodness.

“No thank you, ma’am.”

She gave a concerned look.

“Are you allergic to the food?”

I shook my head.

“No, ma’am, I am just full.”

She moved on to the next table.

We paid the bill and thanked the people at the restaurant. We slowly got up and used the restroom and then waddled our way to the car, sleepy and full. I don’t know how Mom and Dad are going to drive back, I thought. We ate so much food.

We got in the car, and the first thing my sister jokingly said was, “Wow. Let’s go get some ice cream!”

We all gave her dagger eyes. I couldn’t drink alcohol because I was underage, but it wasn’t until I ate in that restaurant that I learned you can be intoxicated just from eating a lot of good Southern food until your stomach is begging for mercy.

The Road Trip

We drove past the cornfields.

Rows and rows of cornfields

The road stretched and yawned before us

As The Doobie Brothers’ “Black Water”

Played on the staticky radio

We passed a large body of water

Shimmering in the summer sun

As the heat licked my forehead

And sweat dripped down my leather back

The can of cream soda sizzles as Jenna

Clicks back the tab

And knocks it back

She lets out a long belch

And we scream in laughter.

We pass 18-wheelers

Minivans

Sedans

Each car tells a story

Carries a human with emotional baggage.

We stop at a motel for the evening

And then start back up the next morning.

Writing prompt

Daily writing prompt
How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?

This was a good question because as my friends have gotten older and passed away, I reflect on the purpose of life and what happens after death. I definitely have gained a much deeper appreciation for life, and I have learned that from a lot of my friends who were older than me to live a fulfilling life and appreciate each day. It is easy for me to be jaded and cynical and to also think, “Forget it, I’m young, I have time.” But I think having that jaded and cynical perspective is no longer serving me well. It never served me well, but when I am in that place of “Forget life, I don’t care anymore about anything,” it’s easy to think that suffering is all there is to life when there is so much more. I think that is why I love religion and spirituality because it gives me something to look forward to everyday. I love waking up and chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo because it reminds me that my purpose in life is so profound, and it reminds me that I am deeply interconnected with everyone around me. As a solitary person, I tend to close myself off from others and get really consumed by my own shit and think I am the only one dealing with depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and other problems, but when I open up to someone, they might say, Wow, I am having the same problem! I thought I was the only one. I remember when we lost a lot of people during the pandemic, and it really forced me to face this deep anxiety I had about illness and dying, and also got me thinking about how we deal with the process of grief and healing from grief. I also volunteered at many memorial services for members of the Buddhist community I am part of, and each time I did it reminded me of the reality of life and death. It made me go back and reflect on what I am really living on this planet Earth for and what my purpose is. I think as I have continued to practice Buddhism, my perspective on life has changed. In 2016 I was miserable and thought my life was over and that I had no purpose. I had really bad depression and felt I was just going to stay in that place forever. Fast forward to 2024, and while I still struggle with my mental health, I am much better at finding ways to take better care of myself and I have gained so much more self-worth. Of course, self-confidence isn’t something I developed overnight. It took a lot of work, but I am happy that I went through this battle with my self-confidence because I had to get stronger and more resilient. Like in 2021, I fell in love with someone and my whole life revolved around him, and it pained me that this person was in a relationship already. But I was so madly in love that I wasn’t willing to face that reality. I think Buddhism and good friends and hobbies pretty much saved my life during this crucial period of recovering from heartbreak because I realized that I didn’t need to be with that person to feel loved or respected. I needed to love myself. I needed to be my own best partner. I am sure I will find someone someday but right now I really love being my own boyfriend/ girlfriend/ nonbinary partner. And I love myself so much more now.

Of course, I make mistakes and have slip ups and today, during lunch with my parents, I broke down and called myself a “terrible daughter” in front of them, and I could see the pain on their faces when I said that, and I immediately recognized that I was hating myself again like I had done so many times, and I realized at that moment, Hold up! That isn’t true. For so many years, I called myself worthless, stupid, ugly and trash, but over time I have learned that going deep in that abyss of self-hatred was hurting me and hurting the people around me, and so over time I have continued chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, and I have been able to develop so much love for myself and also for others. I have learned over time that failures and mistakes are important for my growth, and it is still a lesson I am learning to accept, speaking as a recovering perfectionist. And I have learned from practicing Buddhism to create value from even the tough moments. It was really tough not getting into the professional orchestra I wanted, but it was tougher to remember how self-destructive and mean I was to myself during that time I was preparing for the audition. I often cry when I think of how mean I was to myself and to others, like, Where was the compassionate kid who loved nature and books and experienced awe and curiosity? What happened to that little girl? She was there all along, but I had to go through my own shit to find that little girl again, and she is still growing and learning about the world, but she will always be a part of me, even when I take my last breath.

My Thoughts on the Grammys

So it’s 10 pm here and technically the Grammys finish at 10:30 but I am very tired, so I am going to write up some quick thoughts on the Grammy Music Awards.

Honestly, it was a beautiful ceremony. Trevor Noah, who hosted The Daily Show on Comedy Central, was the host at the Grammys. He was a really great host tonight; I remember when he hosted the Grammys some time ago, and he was a really good host that time, too. I really loved Fantasia’s tribute to Tina Turner; she performed “Proud Mary,” and she did the Tina dancing and glittery outfit and heels and everything. And Fantasia can BELT a song, man. I haven’t listened to much of her music, but now I really want to see her in The Color Purple. Oprah also gave a really moving introduction to Fantasia’s performance of “Proud Mary,” and she talked about her friendship with Tina. She said that Tina always told Oprah that she should dress up even if she wasn’t going out anywhere, and that really encouraged me because Tina had this incredible confidence and that really taught me the importance of loving yourself and developing confidence in yourself. I remember watching a documentary called TINA, and in the documentary, she talks about her Buddhist practice of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, and how it helped her transform her life in so many ways. I always get so encouraged when I tell people about the practice, and they go, “Oh, yeah, Tina Turner chanted in that movie!” and I remember they are talking about What’s Love Got to Do With It? with Angela Bassett. The movie is still on my watch list and I feel bad saying I haven’t watched it yet even after all these years. I really loved her autobiography, I, Tina, though. I now just have so much appreciation for Tina inspiring so many people.

Miley Cyrus did a performance of “Flowers” and she also channeled that Tina Turner energy. She had a fringe dress and blown out hair, and at the end of her performance she did some dance moves like Tina Turner. They have segments where they introduce each artist, and the artist talks about their work and the inspirations, and Miley said she was inspired by artists like Tina Turner and Dolly Parton, and she wanted to channel their energy into her music. Speaking of legends, Stevie Wonder performed a very moving tribute to Tony Bennett, who passed away last year. He sang “For Once in My Life.” To be honest, I grew up with the Stevie Wonder version, and I didn’t grow up listening to Tony Bennett much, but I remember one day, I was like, I want to explore more of these legends like Barbara Streisand and Tony Bennett and Tina Turner, so I listened to an album Tony had produced with Lady Gaga where he collaborates with her (the album is called Cheek to Cheek.) When I listened to Cheek to Cheek, it was so beautiful and the collaboration between Tony and Lady Gaga’s voices was stunning. It must have been a huge treat to work with Tony Bennett. The In Memoriam part was very moving. I really loved Annie Lennox’s tribute to Sinead O’ Connor. Annie just has such a powerful voice and she put so much soul into her performance.