Three jobs I would consider pursuing if money didn’t matter:
- Writer.
- Musician.
- Filmmaker.
Three jobs I would consider pursuing if money didn’t matter:
The camera cuts to the next scene. Interior, Natalie’s room, 9:00 AM, Sunday. Natalie’s iPhone alarm goes off. She grabs it.
Natalie: Oh, fuck off.
She throws her feet out of bed and proceeds to turn off the annoying alarm. She then goes back to sleep because she feels that her dreams are hopeless. She nearly gags and tries to hold back the vomit that threatens to escape from her mouth, and ends up throwing up on her rug. Natalie’s makeup is stained and black eyeliner is melting off of her face. She is a complete mess and doesn’t have her life together.
A loud rap on the door sounds. Natalie ignores it, thinking it’s some solicitor trying to sell her something. The loud rap sounds again and it sounds like African drums beating.
Natalie: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
She opens the door to find Desiree and Alisha standing at her doorstep with their instruments. Desiree is holding her viola and Alisha is holding her cello. Behind them is Desiree’s car, a beat-up Volkswagen van. Natalie is still groggy.
Natalie: What are you guys doing here?
Desiree then erupts in laughter.
Desiree: We’re going on tour, remember?
Natalie rubs her eyes.
Alisha: Are you hungover, Natalie? I can make you a recipe for hangovers. My grandma swears by it.
Natalie: Oh, thanks, but no thanks. Maybe I should get my clothes on.
Desiree gets this mischievous look in her eyes and pretends to be surprised and impressed by Alisha’s idea.
Desiree: Oh, no, Alisha is right. Let’s hang out at your place for a little bit, shall we?
Natalie, rubbing her eyes: Is all your stuff in the car?
Desiree: Um yeah. You told us to pack all our shit, remember?
Natalie: Guys, I had a rough night, I’m sorry.
Alisha grabs both of their hands.
Alisha: We can have a heart to heart over some breakfast.
A frying pan sizzles on Natalie’s stove with bacon and sunny side up eggs. Alisha whistles while she whips up the eggs and bacon. Natalie is sitting at the table, eyes shut tight to ward off the migraine from her hangover.
Desiree: Did you call your boss yet? I called mine this morning.
Natalie looks up with a groggy look in her eyes.
Natalie: No. Maybe I should cancel this tour. We don’t have money and all we have are our instruments and a beat up bus from the Woodstock movement.
Desiree slaps Natalie’s arm.
Desiree: Hey! That’s some sacred shit. My parents got it for their anniversary at Woodstock. It would be a keepsake by today’s standards.
Natalie rolls her eyes, then sips coffee from a Vote for Pedro mug she got from her cupboard.
Alisha: Order up for hangover cure!
She sets three plates on the table. The three eat their breakfast in silence.
Desiree: So are we going on this tour or not?
Natalie: I said no.
Alisha looks up, confused.
Alisha: But you promised.
Natalie: We don’t have any money.
Desiree: You should have some money from work.
Natalie: Do you think my rent, gas, utilities and groceries pay for themselves?
She takes another sip of coffee.
Alisha: I can pitch in.
Natalie: I’m fine, but thanks for your help.
Alisha: Well, how are we going to pay for gas? Food? Any instrument repairs?
Alisha is now very worried.
Natalie is getting exasperated.
Natalie: I told you, the trip is cancelled.
Desiree: I was actually excited about this trip. She shurgs and grabs a mug from Natalie’s cupboard. This one says “I hate Mondays” and has a Grumpy Cat meme on it. She pours herself some coffee.
Desiree: So are you going to call your boss or not?
Alisha turns to look at Natalie in silence, waiting for her answer. Natalie sighs.
Natalie: Ok, but this is going to have consequences.
Desiree: You’re the one who wanted to take us on this trip. Just call your boss and be done with it.
Natalie dials the number of the coffee shop.
The phone rings as the scene cuts to the coffee shop. Natalie’s coworkers Rob answers the phone.
Rob: Sunny Lane Coffee Shop, this is Rob speaking.
Natalie: Hey Rob, it’s Natalie.
Rob: Oh, hey, Nat. What’s up?
Natalie: Is Megan here? I need to talk to her.
Rob: Nah dude, she’s visiting family in Vegas for the weekend. I can give her a message though when she gets back. What’s up?
Natalie pauses, the produces a fake cough from her throat.
Natalie: I’m sick. She feigns more coughing. Desiree and alisha stifle giggles.
Rob: Oh man, I’m sorry. Yrah, it’s been going around. I can just tell her, I’m sure she’ll be cool with it. Take off as much time as you need.
Natalie: Thanks, Rob. I owe you one.
Rob: Don’t mention it.
Natalie ends the call.
Desiree: Well, what did he say?
Alisha gives her the same earnest look she gave earlier.
Natalie: We’re going on tour!
All three of these ladies whoop and cheer. and start hugging each other.
Alisha: Let’s vamos!
Natalie runs up the stairs, almost tripping because she is giddy with excitement.
Desiree: I call shotgun, bitches!
Screen cuts to Natalie’s room. She is packing her suitcase with the utmost passion and speed, while the song “Heads Will Roll” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs plays. She rolls up her clothes in the style of Marie Kondo because she has spent the last few months depressed and how she copes is by watching Marie Kondo. She then packs up all of her sheet music, her folding music stand and her violin. She hurries to the car, Alisha and Desiree waiting for her.
Alisha: Instruments?
Natalie and Desiree: Check.
Alisha: Snacks?
Natalie and Desiree: Check.
Alisha: House keys in case we come back.
Natalie: We’re not leaving America, Alisha. Chill.
Alisha: I don’t care. What if the smoke alarm goes off?
Alisha does a final check to make sure the oven is off and all doors and windows are locked so that no one breaks in while they are gone.
Alisha: We’re officially doing it guys! We’re going on our very own tour, no managers, no nothing!
Desiree: And with no money.
Alisha sighs.
Alisha: You and your sarcasm cannot be friends with me on this trip.
Desiree turns to Alisha and shrugs.
Desiree: Get used to it. It’s in my nature.
The screen cuts to when they are on the road. Ginuwine’s “Pony” is playing on the radio. They start singing along. The music is blasted full volume and Alisha is covering her ears while Desiree belts out the lyrics.
Alisha: MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN THAT DOWN?!? I CAN’T HEAR SIRI WHEN YOU ARE BLASTING MUSIC SO LOUDLY!!
Desiree: THEN TURN SIRI UP LOUDER!
Alisha: I CAN’T! THIS IS ABOUT AS LOUD AS SHE WILL GO!
Natalie, who is driving, turns off the radio.
Desiree: Damn it, Natalie! You just cut off one of the most defining songs in the lives of a defining generation.
Natalie ignores Desiree and keeps driving.
Natalie: Alisha, how long before we get to our first destination?
Alisha looks down at her phone.
Alisha: Um, it says about an hour.
Desiree: Is there a rest stop anywhere?
Alisha calls from the backseat (she is sitting on the left side and her cello is sitting on the right side): You should have used it before we left the house!
Desiree: I have a tiny bladder!
Alisha: Go pee on the side of the road.
Desiree: Fuck no! You think I want some perv driving up to see me without my pants on?
Natalie: There’s no one here, I highly doubt anyone is going to care.
Desiree frowns and then her face lights up.
Desiree: Guys! We’re approaching a gas station.
Natalie sees the gas station ahead of them, but there are only a few cars there.
Natalie: This doesn’t look safe.
Desiree bounces up and down in her chair.
Desiree: For fuck’s sake. I really have to go!
Natalie pulls into the gas station.
Desiree runs out and rushes into the convenience store. There is Muzak playing inside. The scene cuts back to the car.
Natalie: She had better make it quick.
Desiree finds the woman’s bathroom is closed for maintenance and runs into the men’s bathroom without a second thought. She walks past a guy urinating and does her business. She then comes out of the store, only to find Natalie and Alisha being held at gunpoint by a group of perverts.
Desiree: What the fuck?
The first pervert: Come with us.
Desiree: What is going on?
The second pervert: We wanted to ask you pretty ladies the same question. What are three sexy women like you roaming about the open road for?
Desiree: None of your business.
The first pervert: It will be my business when I blow your brains out.
He aims his gun at Desiree’s chest.
Desiree sighs, then explains: We’re musicians and we’re going on a tour.
The third pervert is against Alisha and leers: A tour?
Desiree stammers because she doesn’t want her friends to get killed.
Desiree: Yes. We’re string musicians and we failed our audition, so we decided to go on a road trip and play anywhere we can find money to pay for our gas and food and…
The first pervert: Well, maybe ou want to see your first venue? Or this right here could be the last venue you ever get to see in your life.
Natalie cringes as the gun continues to linger on her cheek.
Desiree panics, which is so uncharacteristic of her at the beginning because she comes off as this super tough-as-nails girl who doesn’t take crap from anyone.
Desiree: Can I ask something> Where are we?
The first pervert: Tucson, Arizona, baby.
His eyes linger on her chest. Desiree gives him a disgusted look.
Desiree: Okay, where are you going to take us?
The first pervert: Get your things from your car and we’ll show you. Let’s make a deal though. If you do what we say, exactly what we say, we will drive you back to the gas station so you pretty ladies can be on your merry way down the road. Does that sound good to you?
His breath reeks of whsiskey and cheap cigarettes, and the smell of it against her nose makes Desiree want to vomit. The pervert puts out his hand for Desiree to shake. She glances at first and then shakes hands with the guy. He pulls her close to him and fondles her butt.
The pervert: It’s so nicely shaped. I wonder what it looks like without anything on it.
With the three perverts trailing them with their guns, Natalie, Desiree and Alisha go to the car and grab their instruments.
The second pervert: And you won’t be needing any clothes, ladies. We’ve got the perfect outfits for you.
The scene cuts to a strip club. The inside is purple and there is loud hip hop music blasting from the loudspeakers as a tall woman wearing nothing but a G-string and red patent leather Louboutin heels grinds and twirls on a pole. The scene cuts to the dressing room, where Desiree, Natalie and Alisha sit completely naked except for each of them wearing pasties and high heels. Natalie looks around at all of the women in the dressing room getting ready. They are all wearing pasties and thongs. Some of them smoke cigarettes, others gossip, and some drink beer. They all look at these three women with their instruments like they just walked off of Planet Mars. They haven’t seen string players in a strip club before.
Natalie: Does everyone have their stands?
Desiree and Alisha raise their stands so Natalie can see.
Alisha: What’s our first piece?
Natalie String Trio in G Major, Opus 9, No. 1 by Ludwig Van Beethoven.
Deesiree: Are these mofos going to even know who that is?
Natalie sighs and rolls her eyes.
Natalie: Unless you want these dudes to blow our brains out, then they’re just gonna have to find out who Beethoven is.
One of the strippers walks up to them and laughs while taking a drag on her cigarette She is a tall woman with platinum blonde hair and brown eyes.
Stripper: Well, look at who the cat dragged in. This is so adorable! Hey, Tricia, they got us some performahs!
Everyone in the room laughs, and some of them just give dirty looks to Desiree, Natalie and Alisha.
The Announcer: And now, on the center stage, is our first ever string trio. Give it up for our lovely ladies!
Stripper: Breaka leg.
She snorts and walks away. The loud blaring music stops over the loudspeakers so that Natalie, Desiree, and Alisha can perform their music without other music interfering with it.
Alisha turns pale. She looks like she is going to vomit. Desiree gives her dagger eyes.
Desiree: You’d better not fuck this up for us by puking.
Alisha cowers.
Alisha: I know. I’m trying.
The three of them walk onstage, and immediately everyone in the audience jeers. Desiree gives dagger eyes to Natalie.
Alisha: Guys, it’s chills. I don’t have any clothes on. I just want to go home.
Natalie: Maybe this was a bad idea…
Desiree: Well, we’re on tour now. Get used to it.
They set up their stands on the stage and then tune an A. They each tune their strings. The audience continues to pay very little attention to them, milling about while eating and drinking. They then look at each other, and then play. Everyone turns to look and even the waitresses stop serving people for a moment to turn and look at these women playing. The three perverts are sitting backstage, waiting for them to get off, but even they are moved by the music. Everyone is moved to tears, and before they know it, the audience members are throwing dollar bills on the stage at them. People whistle and cheer for them.
Natalie smiles, but then she sees the first pervert motion with the crook of his finger for them to go. She turns to exit and then he mouths to her “Grab the money!” and so she, Desiree and Alisha all grab the money and make for it, nervously giving bows to the audience, their legs shaking. At first they don’t have the energy to bow before the audience, but it’s in their orchestra training. They hurry past the other strippers, who applaud them, and one of them, the stripper who jeered at them earlier, lightly touches Natalie on the shoulder and gives her her business card.
Stripper: Let us know when you’re in town again. Here’s my card. Call me.
Natalie: Sure, thanks.
She is still shaking because she just played her first nude concert. Hell, even Desiree is shaking and Desiree isn’t afraid of anything. Alisha goes outside and vomits on the side of the road. The three perverts hurry them into the car. There is silence.
The first pervert: Can you guys sleep with us? Talented musicians such as yourselves deserve good men like us. Come, we’ll take you back to our place.
Natalie: No, you promised you would take us back to our van.
The first pervert looks at hem, and then his lip curls.
The first pervert: Okay, but we will get at least a half of the cuts.
Desiree: For what?
Desiree is incredulous. How dare these guys try to take half of their pay when they just played the most humiliating concert of their lives!
The first pervert: Look, we’re struggling, too, okay? My wife and my kids are struggling…
Desiree: The fuck, dude!?! Why the fuck are a bunch of shitty guys like you hitting on us women for?
The first pervert: I guess it’s human nature to crave pleasurable things. Also we gave you sluts a ride, so pay up because it’s gas money, and gas ain’t getting any cheaper in this country as we know it.
Natalie: Just give him half the cut, D. I just want to go in our car and sleep.
Desiree rolls her eyes, then starts counting the money. When she has counted half of the money they have earned, she pays up. The first pervert grabs the money from their hands wthout so much as a glare, not even a “thanks.”
The first pervert: Now get out. And take your shit with you.
The car drives off, leaving the girls with their instruments and still no clothes on.
Alisha: At least we have our clothes in the car.
They go in the car and sleep.
(to be continued…)
7:00 pm. Walt Disney Concert Hall. Natalie enters a large barren building where she will have her orchestra audition. She walks through the hall and sees multiple violinists sitting nervously. Natalie opens up her binder to scan her sheet music before her audition. Alonzo a 6 foot 4 inch man with a black goatee and Coke bottle glasses, opens the metal door and shouts “Hermann, Natalie,” looking at his roster. The previous violinist walks past the other violinists without saying anything.
Natalie picks up her instrument and walks through the double doors, the doors giving a harsh slam after her. Natalie walks in. The concert hall is big and red and one spotlight shines on Natalie. There are three judges. All of them are middle-aged white men. One of them is John Sharpley, the concertmaster of the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Another is Pierre LaBougiere, the principal bassist, and the final judge is Phillipe Brighton, the conductor of the orchestra. They do not look at her when she walks in because they are still writing comments about the last auditioning person. Natalie doesn’t say anything. She just looks out into the audience. Her palms are sweatier than the guy in the song “Lose Yourself” and she feels nauseous, like she wants to throw up. But she holds back the vomit in her throat and takes a few deep breaths. John, Pierre, and Phillipe all look up at her.
Pierre: Please take out Don Juan, measures 94-116.
Natalie puts her violin on her shoulder rest, and begins, but because she is so nervous, she plays the wrong notes and sounds out of tune. She tries to loosen up but she cannot. Pierre claps his hands.
John: We are finished. Thank you.
Natalie stands in utter silence. She cannot say a word.
The scene cuts to Natalie walking alone through the city of L.A. holding her violin. Her expression is numb, she can only think of how badly she screwed up. She sees a bar to her right and turns into the parking lot. She walks into the bar. Sad jazz music plays over the loudspeaker.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Natalie: Heineken.
She hands him a five dollar bill. He turns his back, grabs a bottle of Heineken beer out of the refrigerator and sets it on the counter.
Natalie: Thanks.
The bartender turns back to his work, not saying anything.
Natalie looks to her right and sees a white woman with curly brown hair wearing a black leather jacket and black leather pants drinking a shotglass filled with Jack Daniel’s Whiskey. She decides to talk out of the blue because she is lonely and the bartender won’t talk to her. She thinks this woman will at least care to listen to her struggles.
Natalie: I had a rough day.
The woman stares ahead and continues to drink her whiskey.
Natalie: I had an audition and I totally bombed it. Just fell flat on my face, I mean not literally, but I just started off playing Don Juan and I freaked out and totally fucked up. I am such an idiot, I mean how could I screw up so easy?
The woman doesn’t answer, just continues drinking her whiskey.
Natalie sighs.
Natalie: I guess you don’t care. That’s cool. I barely know you anyway. Good night.
She kicks back the Heineken with one big swig, gasps and goes “Ahh.” She grabs her violin.
The woman: I fucked up, too.
Natalie turns around.
The woman: What was the audition for?
Natalie: LA Phil.
The woman: I was there, too.
Natalie: Really? I just got back from there and didn’t see you.
The woman: I had my audition at 9 am. Violas.
The woman turns back to her drink and grabs some peanuts from the little glass bowl on the counter.
The woman: What’s your name?
Natalie: Natalie.
The woman pauses, then after taking a sip of her beer, says: I’m Desiree.
Desiree turns away from Natalie and calls to the bartender.
Desiree: I’ll have another. Keep ’em coming. I could use all the shots tonight.
She sets a ten dollar bill on the counter. The bartender slides her another shot.
Another woman, Alisha, walks into the bar and sits down. She is a short Latina woman carrying a cello.
Alisha: I’ll have a ginger ale.
Alisha hands the bartender a five dollar bill. She turns to Desiree and Natalie and looks bashfully.
Alisha: I’m driving back, so I can’t drink. I’m Alisha. What brings you guys here tonight?
Desiree: I bombed an audition.
Natalie: Same.
Alisha: Me three. What orchestra did you guys audition for?
Natalie and Desiree say in unison: LA Phil.
Alisha gapes.
Alisha: No way! I was just there, but you guys must not have seen me. They put the cellos in a different part of the concert hall.
Natalie and Desiree continue to look at the woman in silence. Natalie suddenly gets this look in her eyes, and puts her drink down.
Natalie: I think we should go on a road trip.
Desiree: But we just met you. I’m not going on a road trip with some stranger.
Natalie: But what else are we going to do with the rest of our lives if we can’t win an orchestra audition? Most musicians spend their lives preparing for this big thing and they end up failing and beating themselves up because they didn’t get in the orchestra they wanted, and I’m not about to mope for the rest of my life just because I couldn’t make it into the LA Phil.
Desiree looks at her in silence.
Alisha: What time should we hit the road?
Natalie: Be at my apartment by 7 am in the morning.
Desiree: I can’t. I have work.
Alisha: Same here.
Natalie: So do I, but I’ll just lie and say I’m sick or something.
Desiree: That’s stupid. Don’t lie to your boss and not come in. You need the money.
Natalie: But you see, this is my dream. I have always wanted to go on tour, but I never knew how it would work out. I am miserable in this barista job, and this is my only shot to make this work. Come on, guys, you;ve gotta trust me.
Desiree and Alisha look at her for about a minute long, then Desiree sighs.
Desiree: Alright, fine. See you at 7.
Natalie: See you guys bright and early.
She leaves the bar, putting on her leather jacket.
Desiree and Alisha look behind her as she leaves and just sit there.
Alisha takes a drink of ginger ale.
Alisha: Do you need a ride? I haven’t been drinking.
Desiree: That would be lovely.
She clumsily gets up. Alisha holds her and helps her out of the bar so she doesn’t fall down.
SCENE CUTS TO Natalie’s apartment, her bedroom. Natalie lies anxiously in her bed. She is single, unmarried, with no kids. She moved out of her parents’ house to attend conservatory in Manhattan and moved to Los Angeles to “follow her dreams.” She drinks more alcohol, making herself even more intoxicated. We see a bottle of Heineken, an open bottle of Absolut vodka and a half empty bottle of Yellow Tail moscato. Her fluffy white poodle, Scruffy, walks around Natalie. She could potentially get alcohol poisoning from drinking so much.
A voice that just happens to be Natalie’s inner critic appears, dressed in a professional looking suit with coattails. She holds a martini and sits in the grey beanbag chair across from Natalie’s bed.
Natalie’s inner critic: You idiot. Why would you think you can just quit your job and go off on some tour? You need to have money to do such a thing.
Natalie’s inner critic rubs her thumb, index and middle fingers together.
Natalie’s inner critic: And guess how much you have in your bank account? Almost nothing. Do you think anyone cares about your dreams?
Natalie burrows her head further in her pillow. She tries to fight the nasty inner critic from telling her to backtrack on her decision, but the inner critic goes over to her bedside, caresses the side of Natalie’s face while she is lying awake. She whimpers, tears falling down her cheeks. She puts her tear-stained face in her hands and starts crying.
Introducing Joss Stone is one of my favorite albums. I heard of her when I was around seventh or eighth grade and when I first heard her singing I was hooked. She just puts so much soul into her music, and these past few weeks while working on my assignments I kept listening to the songs on this album. One of the songs on the album I really love is “What Were We Thinking.” Another album I really love listening to all the time is Brown Sugar by D’Angelo. It’s an R n B album like Introducing Joss Stone, and I love listening to D’Angelo’s voice. He does a really beautiful rendition of “Cruisin'” by Smokey Robinson, and adds his own unique flavor to it. His voice is just so mature and, I don’t know, sexy. I am going to be honest, I got an eargasm* every time he hit those high notes on the song “Cruisin’.” I couldn’t stop listening to it this week. Another album I recommend is Frank by the late Amy Winehouse. “In My Bed” is one of my favorite songs on the album, and I just love her combination of jazz and soul. I really miss her but she left an incredible legacy of music I can continue to listen to in those moments when I’m just going through a lot and need some good music.
*all credit goes to Blackstreet and Dr. Dre for coining the wonderful word eargasm on their song “No Diggity.”
I’m currently watching a show called Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story. I really wanted to watch it because I saw the trailer for it and was super pumped after seeing seasons 1 and 2 of Bridgerton. It is a really good series so far. It really gives good backstory about the Queen and her marriage to King George. In one of the seasons of Bridgerton, it gives a brief glimpse of Charlotte’s marriage to George but we don’t really see a lot of him after that. Queen Charlotte lets Charlotte tell her story.
The show also grapples with mental illness and how people treated it at the time (spoiler: they didn’t treat it very well.) At first I was confused as to why George couldn’t stay in Buckingham Palace with Charlotte. Was he with another woman? Did he have a health condition that prevented him from staying with her? Was he impotent? I really didn’t know. But as the show progressed, seeing George’s pain and suffering as he dealt with mental illness and the tortuous treatments his doctors gave him at the time, I began to really see George’s humanity and understood much more why he couldn’t be with Charlotte. Because there wasn’t as expansive an understanding of mental illness as there is now. At first I trusted this doctor that the Princess ordered for George, I thought he was a great guy because he used talking to get George to calm down. But then as the episode progressed, it is clear that this doctor was torturing George. He forced George to take ice baths, eat gruel and gave him shocks in an electric chair, and also put leeches on him. The reasoning he gave was that George was living this very pampered life, and it was not good for him, so he needed to have his body subjected to torture and pain because somehow that would cure his “madness.” I think as the series progresses though it is clear that these methods of torture did way more harm than good. In fact, these torture methods didn’t do him any good at all really. I was glad when Charlotte finally fires this doctor after finally seeing what the doctor was putting her husband through.
To be honest, it’s been a while since I studied American history and learned about George’s mental health. The last thing I heard was the movie The Madness of King George, and after seeing this episode I think watching the movie might give me more context about King George’s struggle with his mental health. Queen Charlotte isn’t informed at first about George’s declining mental health but then she later hears noises and then finds him scrawling a lot of drawings and sketches on the walls of the palace, and then when he sees her he doesn’t recognize who she is and runs away from her. He strips naked in the garden and thinks he sees Venus in the sky, but then Charlotte has to put a blanket over him and bring him back home and pretend that she is Venus because that is the only way she can convince him to come home.
There is one particular scene that stuck with me. Queen Charlotte summons Violet Bridgerton to meet with her and Lady Danbury for tea. It’s not just idle chatter, but Queen Charlotte wants to know how she managed to encourage her kids to have children. Charlotte’s children don’t want to settle down even though they are grown adults, and that is stressful for Charlotte because she needs an heir, and the child who was supposed to be the heir died with its mother when she was giving birth. Violet says that it helps if the children are in love with the other person in their relationships, and that is a ridiculous concept to Charlotte because she didn’t marry for love, she married so she could consummate and sire an heir because that was the obligation and expectation put on her as the Queen of England. Lady Danbury also didn’t have a happy loving marriage and hated every minute of having sex with her husband, Lord Danbury, so much so that when he died while they were having sex, she relished it and gleefully told her lady-in-waiting, Coral.
I really love the representation of queer characters, though. Brimsley and Reynolds are the queen and king’s right hand men respectively, and they fall in love with each other. Of course, during the time you couldn’t be an out gay person so they had to keep their relationship hidden, but I just appreciate that they put their story in. They have an interesting relationship because Brimsley wants to know certain details about the King’s life and especially when George is being tortured, Brimsley asks Reynolds about it, but Reynolds cannot share this information with him even when Charlotte demands for Brimsley to find out what is going on. Reynolds hears George’s screams as he is being tortured and tries to save George’s life after he is kicked out of the torture chamber, but he is forced out of the room. Honestly the torture scenes were pretty tough to watch. It showed though how doctors didn’t really have good methods at the time for addressing illnesses and diagnoses.
There is one scene where Violet and Lady Danbury are sitting in the balcony seeing an opera and Violet asks Lady Danbury if Queen Charlotte ever gets lonely. Even though her husband George is alive, Charlotte doesn’t get to spend much time with him and spends a lot of her time alone. This is how it was from the beginning of their marriage; Charlotte could not spend time with her husband because he was ashamed of his struggles with mental illness and thought that showing his true self to her would hurt her. However, there is a scene when she finally barges into his astrology lab and demands that he let her know if he loves her or not. It is a very moving scene because it shows how Charlotte loves George for who he is and is willing to maintain their marriage even though George thinks that having this illness makes him unlovable in the eyes of Charlotte. George carries a lot of pressure to maintain his title as king and his battles with epilepsy and mental health make it hard for him to project this perfect image in society. It kind of reminded me of The Crown because Prince Charles struggled with his self-worth because he always carried this pressure to be perfect since so much of his self-worth depended on his social standing and his title. So he couldn’t just say what he wanted or do what he wanted because he was representing all of England. So when he supports Wales’ self-determination, his mother, Queen Elizabeth, is furious because she thinks he went against what he was supposed to do. After taking classes in Welsh with the teacher, though, and learning more about the history of Wales, he understands that the Welsh people are still oppressed under the rule of England and that it isn’t right and so he wants to speak up. I think especially after he is pulled out of acting school at Cambridge he wants to do something that will give him purpose because acting gave him a purpose in life and also a voice, so making this speech advocating for the people of Wales was that one thing where he felt he had a voice and a purpose. But his mother tells him that no one cares what he thinks, and I think this really crushes his self-esteem. But in Queen Charlotte, later in the series, George’s mother reveals her own scars and trauma to Lady Danbury after Lady Danbury breaks down and cries. She reveals that George’s father abused her and George, but she was forced to take it and not cry because she had this expectation and standard to uphold to not show vulnerability or appear weak. I’m thankful nowadays that we can show up as our authentic selves and have these conversations about vulnerability and healing because I’m sure that back then, there wasn’t the vocabulary or resources to talk about this painful stuff in our lives.
I read this article in a publication I read called Living Buddhism and it talks about using Buddhist practice to overcome loneliness. I really like the article because it reminds me that I’m not alone in my feelings of loneliness and that finding meaningful social interactions is important for my health. I remember reading a book by Vivek Murthy called Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, and I honestly didn’t know I would need to read this book until I started grappling with my own loneliness these past few years. Even before many of us went into quarantine in 2020, I was battling many bouts of loneliness. Most of my life I have been pretty proud of my introverted nature. As a kid I loved sitting alone, and time out time was great for me because I loved reading my books in time out, so it rarely if ever felt like punishment. But I think along the way, I received these social cues from my peers and teachers that sent the message that somehow being alone wasn’t a good thing, and so I started to think that being an introvert was a character flaw rather than just something that was part of my personality. Thankfully I had the support of my Buddhist community and my family to remind me to be true to myself, and that I could still grow and flourish in life even as an introvert. In college I struggled a lot with loneliness, even when I was active in extracurriculars and was taking all these classes. When I first got to college I was so excited to meet lots of people, but I think I burned out after a while and after a while my friends would send me invitations to go out and I would ignore their text messages and eat by myself. At first I was fine eating by myself, but by junior year I had developed some pretty serious symptoms of depression, and I ended up withdrawing into my shell. I had moved into a new dormitory that year and was excited to get my own dorm room, but I ended up going through this daily cycle where I would go to class, go to my music practice, then I would go into my dorm room and not come out. It got to the point where I wasn’t even really comfortable going into crowded dining halls because I just got so anxious, and I would often isolate myself instead of talking to my housemates. There were a few people in the dorm I interacted with that were pretty welcoming, but other than that I just felt this intense sense of isolation. Even though there were plenty of people to talk to, I just felt disconnected from everyone. This led to me struggling with some pretty serious mental health issues to the point where I could no longer just keep all my pain and suffering in, and so I finally had to see someone. But once again, I felt like this was something I needed to deal with on my own so I stopped actively seeking professional help. Not the smartest decision, let me tell you. It was rough. I honestly think practicing Buddhism saved my life at that time because I was just barely making it. There were many days I would sit in class and think, Shit, everyone hates me. Even when I couldn’t read minds, it still felt like everyone hated me even though they probably weren’t thinking about me much at all. I had feelings of worthlessness so deep that when it came time for group discussions, I honestly felt, No one gives a shit if I’m in the room. Who would want to pair up with someone like me? And so I would leave the classroom and go outside for a while and not come back in until the breakout discussion time was over. I remember one of my friends in the Buddhist community encouraged me to share about my Buddhist practice of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo with other people. At first I was reluctant because I had to discontinue the Buddhist club I was running on campus since I couldn’t find anyone to be treasurer or president or fill the other positions, so I just shut down and got really hard on myself because I tend to be like that a lot. But I decided to chant about it, and so I ended up doing a final project presentation with another philosophy major (she and I were the only two philosophy majors in the class. It was a class on philosophy and psychology) about the effects of meditation on the brain. Naturally I wanted to share about the Buddhism I practice, so I ended up handing out these golden cards with Nam-myoho-renge-kyo printed on them to each of my classmates, and I shared on the PowerPoint a photo of the actor Orlando Bloom chanting and some information about the Buddhism I grew up practicing. Afterwards my teacher asked for information about Buddhism and so I was able to share a card with her too. Honestly, after I shared Buddhism with my classmates, it totally changed the way I felt about myself and my time in the class. I felt that time that I did have a voice and that I did have something to contribute to the class. This was a huge transformation for me because before that I felt like the most worthless person in the class and was very reluctant to open up to my classmates, but sharing Buddhism helped me feel more comfortable opening up to them and I was able to connect with them in my own unique small way.
Alright, gonna head to bed. Thank you for reading, and wishing everyone observing the Jewish New Year a safe and peaceful holiday.
Setting: September 2019, Sunny Lane Coffee Shop, Los Angeles, California
A young Black girl named Natalie Hermann is working behind the counter at Sunny Lane Coffee Shop. She peers out the window as a celebrity walks past the shop, daydreaming about making it in her own music career (I’m getting La La Land vibes here).
Supervisor: Nat.
Natalie continues to look out the window. The voice calling her name is muffled.
Supervisor: Nat!
Natalie turns around and sees her supervisor, Megan, looking at her with an angry expression and tapping her foot.
Megan: Your shift ends in an hour. Get back to work.
Natalie sighs and gets back to the counter.
A snooty lady walks up to her and throws her $5 bill on the counter. The lady is wearing a fur coat and smells strongly of Chanel No. 5
Lady: Grande Mocha Latte, sugar free, no foam, extra shot of espresso.
Natalie takes the five dollar bill and quietly rings up the woman’s order.
The lady’s smartphone rings, and she picks it up.
Lady: Yes? Oswald, I am coming right-fucking-now! Just let me get my damned drink!
She snaps her fingers at Natalie.
Natalie sucks in her breath real hard and is trying her hardest not to snap at the woman. She steams the milk and cuts off the steamer before it can foam up the milk. She swirls the sugar free mocha sauce into the cup and then gently pours he milk into the cup. When she is finished, she hands the drink to the lady, who takes it without a word of acknowledgment and trounces off in her furs. Natalie wonders how sweaty the woman is under all that fur.
The scene cuts to a busy law office, where a woman named Desiree Schwartzman is typing at a desk. She is an attractive 26-year old white woman with curly brown hair and is wearing black Louboutin heels, a black A-line skirt, and a white collared top. She has her brown hair pulled back in a messy bun.
A 5 ft 6 in 60-year-old Black gentleman with thinning grey curly hair knocks on her desk. She looks up. It is her boss, James Watson, who runs The Watson Law Firm, a firm specializing in personal injury cases.
Watson: I need those cases entered by tomorrow. Why are you so far behind?
Desiree can’t think of anything to say. She stayed up late—much to the annoyance of her sister, Emily– practicing her viola for her audition. She lives at home with her and while Emily loves her music, Desiree’s obsession with the audition has caused tensions between her and her family.
Scene flashes back to last night at 1 AM, when Desiree is practicing her instrument furiously. She saws away at the Strauss excerpt and hears a loud banging on the door. She opens it and her 17 year old sister, Emily, is beet red and her eyes are bloodshot.
Emily: I have a fucking chemistry exam tomorrow. Go to sleep.
Without a word, she slams the door. Desiree fumes silently and then puts her viola in her case. She crawls into bed, and her eyes remain open for the rest of the night because she cannot sleep. She is too nervous about the audition to fall asleep.
Desiree fumbles for words, but Watson cuts her off.
Watson: I have a meeting, but get them in by the end of the day.
Desiree: Yes, sir.
Watson walks away.
Desiree puts her hand in her head, closes her eyes, and then sucks in a huge breath and looks at the mounting pile of cases on her desk. She glances at the clock on the wall to her right. It is 1 pm and she hasn’t taken a lunch break.
(To be continued.)
Written on January 30, 2021
I. She walks out on the stage Cello in hand Her enormous belly a gargantuan protruding mass Lying under the comfort of her purple satin dress Folds upon folds of fabric Shield the soon to be born human From the cold of the concert hall She feels the fetus dance around Anxious for what is to come It performs its final flops in her belly Its grand finale Communicating with her One last time Before emerging into the world A latent soul of flesh and blood Lying dormant in the amniotic fluid That nourishes it As she walks across the stage She remembers nine months of gestation Of procrastination Of the prestidigitation that the unborn baby Performed for her within the confines of her dark dank womb She remembers months of morning sickness Of dialogues with her unborn progeny The passing weeks The growth of her abdomen The little unexpected pops she felt Every time the little one's fist or foot made contact Sweet loving contact With the walls of her belly The quest it went on To nourish its brain, heart and body Each time Mother dined on the flesh of a freshly slaughtered chicken Or a piping hot slice of gooey apple pie The flavors of the chicken Salty roasted hot Balanced out with the decadent sweetness of the pie Makes for a delicious nighttime meal The baby tastes these flavors As the placenta nourishes it It fondles her umbilical cord Tinkering the tips of its fingers Upon the long rope that connects mother and child II. She eases herself upon the chair The weight of the child upon her legs She starts off with a slow bowing of the cello Breathes as much air as she can into her lungs And then begins a lively presto of a piece Dancing along with the cello The baby hears all of this, hears mom playing an incredible concert Its last concert to be heard within the womb It wriggles its toes It rocks back and forth And as soon as the audience breaks out into applause The chrysalis of amniotic fluid that kept it sealed within the mother Breaks onto the wooden floor of the stage III. She races into a wheelchair through the emergency room Passing rows upon rows of hospital beds Filled with individuals Human souls Hooked up to ventilators As their family members hold their hands one last time Nurses, doctors racing with masks on In a frenzied nightmare To save humanity against a deadly virus That has killed over 400,000 people in this country and millions around the world. Her dress now a damp mass dripping sweat and amniotic fluid from her body She breathes quickly through the N95 mask that covers her mouth She can still feel him perform some last minute movements Begging her to let him stay Begging her to let him continue to savor the beauty of the womb For all eternity Until she is a dying decomposed corpse No I cannot let you stay You stayed nine months You have overstayed your welcome Sorry You must come out in a dark and scary world But I will hold your hand for you for all eternity Even when you grow older The umbilical cord lies in the depths of your heart We had fun together Now I need you to come out IV. She pushes No epidural in all the heavens Can force the child to emerge He wants to stay nestled in the comfort of the womb Even though he must detach from the placenta He screams his goodbyes In tears Upon Tears He begs for mercy Each time she forces him out Of that painfully small hole He knows no claustrophobia Only a fear of what is to come Living in a world of uncertainty. When she pushes Only her shit emerges She is in too much pain to be embarrassed by the smell As the fresh pile of watery feces collects on the delivery tab A guttural yell rips from the depths of her throat AS the head emerges ever so slightly As dilated as her cervix is It still hurts like a motherfucker She cries And cries And finally hears another cry From across her Her child Born of flesh and blood A mangled mass of crimson flesh and matted hair Belts out a song of new life, of new possibilities Of new hope and dreams She joins in the chorus of call and response And swaddles the mass of T-cells, flesh and blood The doctor cuts the umbilical cords And hands the baby to the mother She welcomes her baby as a brand new member Into the orchestra of life To play a symphony with her Encompassing all of the months they shared together And more memories they will share together As mother and child
Written on: January 26, 2021
I have a wooden muse She produces wonderful sounds She is my cello Each time she straddles her sexy self between my legs She performs a seductive dance for me Winding her perfect hourglass figure Grinding against my groin She has more meat than a tenderloin Steak, done medium-rare She has a fierce personality So fierce that Sasha got her to sing on stage with her Backstage pass for free. When my cello performs her traditional daily lap dance For the evening She also seduces me with her soulful voice Her voice is a sticky honeypot That makes my mouth water and my eyes water As I take in the frequencies, the power, the soul Of her sensual serenade My ears waltz to the tunes of her melodies and harmonies They slow dance to the largo of the bow They rock out like they're in a mosh pit to the aggressive fortissimos That she growls in a show of ferocity and passion My ears fall into a trance When they see her dance And whisper "pianissimo" By the time the lap dance is over I am exhilarated Mindblown Flabbergasted What did I just witness? Each time she dances for me I pay her in empty compliments and cheap thrills But she is the real deal And I owe her more than just a good time.
Written on January 8, 2021
Summer day in Somerville Eating fresh pumpkin butter On When Pigs Fly bread The dough melds with that Cinnamon fall sweet pumpkin puree I look out my apartment window At the cars below me making their way through the city Nina Simone Ms. Nina Ms. Goddess of Soul and Jazz Croons on the radio Perched on the window sill Her voice drapes around me like a warm velvet curtain Enrapturing me Raw and viscous like organic Manuka honey Fresh from the comb Stirred in a pot with sugar To make a caramel syrup My potted plant, Nefertiti Sits on the windowsill She and the radio, Rachel, are best friends Ms. Nina cradles me in the velvet drapery Caressing my face with those ivory and ebony piano keys The sweet feeling of sweet music Ms. Nina reminds me I am never alone The sweetness in my mouth From the pumpkin butter on sourdough toast And the lullaby of resistance And the Black female experience In all its pain, power, pleasure The Black womanhood Which Ms. Nina lives and narrates Makes me feel like I'm in the life state Of heavenly bliss Ms. Nina is my crib, my hammock, She rocks me to sleep The soft chatter of the drums And the sensuous vocals from the saxophone Dances across my eyelids My cinnamon sugar eyelids Closed for maintenance Soaking in the sounds The sycamore leaves as they dance Alongside me in the arms of their branches These voices Slow waltz Glide On the linoleum floor of my eyelids The song ends My muscles limp as spaghetti Milky orange drool dripping from the crevice of my chapped bruised lips Caked with blood from biting them just a little too hard while asleep Legs a puddle of chocolate Melted in the 100 degree drought I am asleep.