- Acceptance: it’s important to accept yourself because then you can accept others. Everyone, including me, has strengths and weaknesses and living true to myself means accepting my strengths and weaknesses and working to get better each day.
- Altruism: giving to others feels good because I’m helping brighten someone else’s day
- Autonomy: it’s important to ask for help but I’m learning, too, that it helps to do things by yourself, too.
- Balance: you don’t want to have a life that is completely all work and no play or all play and no work. I’m learning to take care of myself when I get stressed, like exercising, eating well, spending time with family and friends and doing hobbies like reading and knitting. I think maintaining my hobbies and interests is helping me balance out a lot of stress I feel at work.
- Challenge: challenges hep me grow. It’s hard sometimes to believe because sometimes I think if things were easy I would be fine but then without challenges I couldn’t grow and become resilient.
- Community: I can’t do everything by myself. It’s nice to have a group of people you can feel comfortable being around. I think joining extracurriculars and volunteering has helped me find a sense of purpose.
- Compassion: it’s important to understand what others go through because I think that’s how we create connection. I have learned that it’s important to check in on friends and family to see how they are once in a while. It’s taken me out of getting caught up in my own problems.
- Connection: John Donne said it best. “No man is an island.” I’m an introvert so I do enjoy spending time alone but like any human being I need to connect and interact with others.
- Consistency: when working on my goals, consistency is important because if I quit after a week of working on something, I can’t see results. I’m working on still writing the book, blogging, chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and exercising every day. Just putting on a calendar each day that I need to do these things is helping me stay motivated. There are days when I miss exercise or don’t feel like writing, many days. But when I finally do the action I want to take towards my goal, I feel good about the little progress I am making each day.
- Contribution: I want to give something to people that brings them hope in some way.
- Cooperation: I’ve learned that anywhere I’m with people I need to work well with them. I often let my ego or emotions get in the way and it’s still a work in progress but through practice I have learned to get along with others on projects and other things.
- Courage: I chant Nam myoho renge kyo everyday for courage because it’s not easy to do things you are uncomfortable with but in order to go for those big dreams I need to push past my fears of not being good enough to take action to write that book, practice my cello or even go up and talk to people.
- Courtesy: I am not perfect, I admit, and I sometimes forget to use my manners, but it’s important to respect people, especially at work. I need to be better at respectfully addressing people, whether my coworkers or people on the phone.
- Creativity: this is a big value for me because creativity is how I express my joys and sufferings, the entirety of the human condition. Whether I am writing, playing my cello or listening to music, it stimulates my brain and in general helps me destress. I don’t know where I would be without some sort of creative outlet to keep me busy. It’s really helped me get through my ups and downs, especially during my depressive episodes.
- Dependability: I’ve learned that it’s important to show up on time to things and look nice at work because when you make those efforts, people come to trust you. Building trust takes times, and it starts with my behavior. I haven’t always been the most dependable to be honest, but I am again working on it.
- Dignity: I practice a philosophy that believes in respect for the dignity of each person’s life. When I practice this, it helps me see the inherent value of my own life. Too many people’s lives are trampled on and disrespected in society.
- Encouragement: Encouragement motivates me to do my best and giving others encouragement helps me stay motivated, too. I always love reading Buddhist study materials like The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin and Daisaku Ikeda’s writings because Daisaku Ikeda encourages me to not give up on my dreams, to do my best and to live true to myself. Every time I feel stuck, I read these writings to remind myself that I have to keep pushing through.
- Equality: A lot of human rights aren’t respected or acknowledged in society. I think that’s why equality is important. I think I started to think about the inequalities in society more around the pandemic and the murder of George Floyd, and I am still thinking about how to address inequality in society. I think it can take many forms–donating to organizations that support racial and economic justice, writing to the people in government positions, or even writing poetry about injustice. I remember writing a poem in the wake of Breonna Taylor’s death because it really shook me, and even as a quiet person who didn’t know what to do, writing this poem was my small contribution to the racial justice movement. Of course, I can always do more to fight inequality, but I’ve learned that even just educating myself on justice and equality and learning from others’ experiences is a step in becoming more aware and inspiring me to take further action.
- Ethics: It’s important for me to be aware of whether I am behaving ethically or not, because then I can reflect on whether my actions help or harm others. I remember studying about ethics as a philosophy major in college, but to actually put it into practice is harder because it requires you to reflect on your own behavior and what you can do better.
- Faith: belief in some sort of cause is important for me to keep going in an uncertain and chaotic world. I practice Buddhism with an organization of other Buddhist practitioners, and we chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and study Buddhist concepts together and discuss how we apply them to our daily lives. Having faith in Buddhism has kept me grounded when I felt my purpose in life was lost. I’m learning how to also be more open to having more dialogues with people of other faith organizations as well, because sometimes I can only get focused on my own beliefs, but I think learning from others and listening to their perspectives, whether I agree with them or not, is a step in finding common ground with others. In Buddhism faith means believing in our unlimited potential. It’s challenging to believe in this every day, but that’s why I try to chant and study as much as I can so that no matter what challenges I go through, I have a steady compass to navigate those stormy times. By developing my faith in Buddhism, I have grown much stronger and have been able to create profound meaning from my challenges. Like these past couple years I had a very strong crush on someone, and I was really consumed by these feelings, and it was painful because I just couldn’t face the reality that he was with someone else. But I think through practicing Buddhism, I became much stronger and was able to create value from going through this painful challenge. It wasn’t easy at all, and there were times I fell into despair. But I think practicing Buddhism also helped me see clearly how this crush wasn’t super healthy and that I was making this guy the center of my entire life. Had I not gone through this challenge, though, I would not have deepened my faith. I would not have known how worthy I am deep down even if I don’t always feel worthy. Developing my faith over these past few years has helped me develop immense self love, and it is still a process to develop that self-love but I always have my faith to keep me from getting easily swayed.
- Family: I love spending time with my parents and I love to stay in touch with my other family members even if I cannot physically be there for them. I am still not sure if I want kids or a husband yet, but I’m glad for the time being I can at least live together with my parents. We spend time together and it’s nice. I want to enjoy it while I can.
- Freedom: It is something I have come to appreciate over the years. I can practice my religion freely, I can leave my house. I live comfortably, I live in a place where there is access to restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, and if I don’t want to go to the theater I can stream my movie online. The list of freedoms I have are endless, but with freedom requires taking responsibility for my life. I have learned I can’t just live carelessly. I am responsible for my actions and behaviors. It took me a long time to realize this, to be honest. But I have been thinking about what I take for granted all the time, and freedom is one of these things. Many people can’t practice their religion freely, many people don’t live in places where they have easy convenient access to grocery stores and restaurants, many people can’t marry who they want. I never used to think about freedom a lot but it’s something I cannot take for granted because it can easily be taken away any day.
- Friendship: As someone who isn’t in a romantic relationship or marriage I have been relying on friendships a lot. My friendships are constantly evolving over time though, and I have learned that friendships change and people move on, but you never actually forget the impact that the person had on your life, even if the friendship didn’t last forever. Staying in touch with even just a few friends has been important to my well being. Most of my friends live far away but staying in touch with them is something I am working on doing more of. It can be challenging because I don’t use Facebook but I love writing letters and emails and making phone calls. People in my Buddhist community have also been great friends because we are working together to encourage each other in our personal goals and for world peace.
- Fulfillment: it’s nice to have a sense of meaning, that what you do each day creates some sort of good value. Doing my Buddhist center activities gives me a sense of fulfillment because it gives me a larger purpose in life. Setting goals and determinations has also brought me fulfillment, whether it is praying each day, exercising, knitting or reading. I have lately been thinking about what my purpose in the world is, and have also been contemplating what work I find fulfilling.
- Fun: It’s important to have fun because without fun I would get stressed all the time. In college I thought I wasn’t supposed to have fun and I got stressed all the time. My fellow students always had to remind me to make time in my schedule to do activities I loved. Looking back, though, I need to cut myself some slack (at least a teaspoon of slack if not the entire tablespoon of salt). I did do things for fun. I wrote in my journal, I did Buddhist activities, I read for fun during my winter and summer breaks, and I watched movies with my friends. I completely have them to thank for always texting me to meet up even when I kept making the excuse, “I’m busy, I’m busy.” We still managed to squeeze a few nights out at the local Indian restaurant for some delicious biryani.
Blog
How I manage my screen time
I saw this as the WordPress daily prompt, and it immediately resonated with me. Managing my screen time is something I have been challenging for a while, even before I got my first smart phone in 2016. Even before I got a smartphone I was always spending time on YouTube, and while it provided a respite from loneliness I felt in school, it cut into a lot of my sleep time and study time. I haven’t learned to manage my computer time yet, but I’m starting with monitoring how much time I spend on my cell phone. I use the Digital Well Being app on my phone to mark how much time I have spent and it also categorizes the time I spent on different apps, such as YouTube, text messages and email. I usually write down how much screen time I spend each day, and while it’s still a work in progress for me to not just grab my cell phone and scroll the news or YouTube, being aware of how I am using my phone and for how much is a small step that I’m taking to make sure I do other activities outside of looking at my phone all day. Although I do use YouTube to watch movies and exercise because there are a lot of great exercise videos. I also listen to music on YouTube. I can’t completely cut myself off the grid right now, that would be pretty tough. I tried in college. I cut my phone off pretty frequently and my family couldn’t reach me no matter how many times they called. I am slowly learning how to communicate better and more frequently. It is still a work in progress though. I think keeping track of my phone use has been beneficial. I think I started doing it more after reading How to Break Up with Your Phone by Catherine Price and listening to Catherine Price do a podcast episode with Vivek Murthy about phone use.
Music Playlist for the Week
- Leave Me Alone: Michael Jackson
- Leave Before You Love Me: Marshmello and Jonas Brothers
- What’s It Gonna Be?- Janet Jackson and Busta Rhymes
- Stranger in Moscow: Michael Jackson
- Trouble: Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson
- Beautiful: Snoop Dogg and Pharrell
- Ballin’: Snoop Dogg and The Dramatics
- I’m a Slave 4 U: Britney Spears
- Just Friends: Musiq Soulchild
- When We Get By: D’Angelo
- Son of a Gun (I Betcha Think This Song is About You): Janet Jackson
- Love from the Other Side: Fall Out Boy
- I Am Here: P!nk
- Drink You Away: Justin Timberlake
- Really Don’t Care: Demi Lovato and Cher Lloyd
- Through the Dark: KT Tunstall
- Longview: Green Day
- Issues (Hold On): Teyana Taylor
- Beautiful: Tweet
- Talkin’ To Me: Amerie
- Jojo: Boz Scaggs
- That Don’t Impress Me Much (Dance Mix): Shania Twain
- My Vision: Seal
- Colour: Seal
- Under the Weather: KT Tunstall
- Human Beings: Seal
- Princess of China: Coldplay
- Na Na: Trey Songz
- Trouble: P!nk
- Southern Nights: Glen Campbell
- Flashing Lights: Ye (Kanye West)
- Think: The Blues Brothers, Aretha Franklin
- Love Can Move Mountains: Celine Dion
- Team: LORDE
- Are You Gonna Be My Girl?- Jet
- A Woman’s Worth: Alicia Keys
- Ring (feat. Kehlani): Cardi B
- Take a Walk: Raphael Saadiq
- I Believe to My Soul: Donny Hathaway
- Here You Come Again: Dolly Parton
- Centuries: Fall Out Boy
- High Hopes: Panic! At the Disco
- Swearin’ To God: Frankie Valli
- Stubborn Kind of Fellow: Marvin Gaye
- Club at the End of the Street: Elton John
- Get Involved: Raphael Saadiq and Q Tip
- Head: Prince
Movie Review: Waltz with Bashir
Honestly I was ambivalent about watching this movie because I tend to get really squeamish about violence, and I was already watching a lot of images in the news with the Israel-Palestine conflict, so I thought about not seeing it. I spent the last few days looking at parent’s guides for info about any potential violence, language and sex. But to be honest, I am at that age where I know which movies I can tolerate and which I cannot. I will never sit through Five Nights at Freddy’s, but I was willing to watch this because I didn’t know much about the 1982 Lebanon War. I mean, I’m sure I studied about it in my geography and world history classes in high school, but that was a long time ago and because history is constantly repeating itself, I need to study it again and again to understand why the present is happening the way it is. But I think watching movies can also be a tool to understand historical issues from different perspectives, and while I am still processing the entirety of the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians, watching this film showed me that war is horrific and traumatic for everyone involved.
To be honest, I am not a history expert. I only know about Israel and Palestine from high school and from reading the news, so I at first wasn’t sure if I was even qualified to write this movie review because I still have so much to learn about and I am not well researched about the 1982 Lebanon War. But I will do my best. I am still processing this film though because it was very intense and emotional. I think if I had watched this movie when I was younger I don’t know if I would have been able to handle it, to be honest. But for some reason I was okay with watching this movie at night even though I know deep down that I normally try not to watch upsetting content at night. But that’s the thing about movies. They are not always there to make me comfortable or entertain. Oftentimes movies challenge me to look at history from a different perspective. Also, I’m biased about Rotten Tomatoes reviews, and this film got a 97 percent so I thought, It must have been good. I remember watching the Oscars when I was in middle school, and this movie had been nominated for Best Foreign Language Film.
The film was directed by Ari Folman, and the animation was what pretty much drew me to it in the first place. It is masterfully done, and it was a reminder of how animation can serve as powerful social commentary. It reminded me of when I watched the film and read the graphic novel Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi, which illustrates Marjane’s coming of age during the Iranian Revolution. Or the graphic novel Maus by Art Spiegelman, which moved me on so many levels. Honestly this movie reminded me how so much is lost in war. It’s easy for me to soak up the air with my own problems and worries, and of course problems and worries make us human. But when I looked at the news and saw Gaza and so many Palestinian and Israeli citizens suffering, it was hard to look away but also I felt hopeless just looking at those images. When I watched this movie it reminded me that compared to war and bombings that take many people’s lives, my own petty problems are so small. It reminded me that I have to appreciate my life even if I’m not getting everything I want. Because war destroys people’s lives. The movie showed that while Ari created many friendships and connections with people while in the war, every day was a life or death battle for everyone in this war and no one was guaranteed an extra day because any time they were walking down the street someone could get killed. The movie shows how traumatic war is and how it can bring up a lot of painful feelings and experiences. In one scene there is a therapist who talks about disassociation as a defense mechanism, how when people are going through a traumatic experience they often detach themselves from the experience even though they are in the flesh living through a traumatic event. Trauma also impacts how people remember different experiences. One memorable one where he and two other naked men are wading in the water and before them they are watching a city being bombed. They walk towards the light and put their clothes on. They are in survival mode and like I said, when it comes to war it is a life or death battle where you don’t know whether you are guaranteed another day or not because someone could easily take away your life from you. The ending was pretty difficult to watch, especially because it was real imagery from the Lebanon war of actually murdered Palestinians during the massacre.
The movie reminded me of a quote from a book I am reading called The Human Revolution by an author named Daisaku Ikeda, and he recounts his experiences growing up during World War II and how during the aftermath of the war everyone in Japan was struggling to rebuild and regain hope because so many people lost their loved ones and possessions in the war. He opens the book with a short yet profound quote: “Nothing is more barbarous than war. Nothing is more cruel.” Honestly as I was watching Waltz with Bashir, that quote was at the forefront of my mind. It was also a quote I reflected on a lot while watching movies about war in the past, such as 1917. In 1917, these two men fighting in World War I endure harrowing events at pretty much every turn. They go through no man’s land and they are literally in a life or death battle. Even when they are walking through a beautiful field of flowers, they don’t have time to enjoy it because they are living through the trauma of war and the reality that they could get killed at any moment. There is one scene that stuck with me when the two soldiers are walking through an beautiful field of flowers, and they talk about receiving a medal for their service. They conclude that getting a medal would mean nothing because they faced so many cruel realities while in battle and it left them feeling disillusioned and hopeless.
I’m still emotionally processing Waltz with Bashir so I don’t know what else to say, but overall it was a really deep film.
Waltz with Bashir. 2008. Directed by Ari Folman. Rated R for some disturbing images of atrocities, strong violence, brief nudity and a scene of graphic sexual content.
Favorite form of exercise
Lately I’ve been realizing that exercise does wonders for my body. I tend to sit a lot so I’ve been trying to become more active. I love Yoga with Adriene because she has a lot of great videos, and I also love Grow with Jo because her videos are fun. It’s a tie between cardio and yoga, to be honest. I enjoy both.
Book List
This is a list of some books I have read.
- Confessions of a Shopaholic: Sophie Kinsella
- Speak: Laurie Halse Anderson
- Miracle at St. Anna: James McBride
- Bad Feminist: Roxane Gay
- The Book of Delights: Ross Gay
- The Other Americans: Leila Lalami
- Me, Earl and the Dying Girl: Jesse Andrews
- The Nanny Diaries: Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Krauss
- The Harry Potter series
- Native Son: Richard Wright
- Black Boy: Richard Wright
- The Fire Next Time: James Baldwin
- The Fire This Time: Jesmyn Ward
- The Last King of Scotland: Giles Foden
- Tess of the D’Urbervilles: Thomas Hardy
- Germinal: Emile Zola
- I Have the Right To: Chessy Prout and Jenn Abelson
- The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: Sarah Knight
- Americanah: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
- Into the Woods: Tana French
- The Book of Form and Emptiness: Ruth Ozeki
- You Do You: Sarah Knight
- Get Your Sh*t Together: Sarah Knight
- Originals: Adam Grant
- Big Magic: Elizabeth Gilbert
- The Septembers of Shiraz: Dalia Sofer
- Midnight’s Children: Salman Rushdie
- Everything is Illuminated: Jonathan Safran Foer
- Discussions on Youth: Daisaku Ikeda
- The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Stieg Larsson
- The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo: Amy Schumer
- Yes Please: Amy Poehler
- Bossypants: Tina Fey
- So Close to Being the Sh*t, Y’all Don’t Even Know: Retta
- Please Don’t Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes: Essays: Phoebe Robinson
- It Could Be Worse, You Could Be Me: Ariel Levy
- Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking: Susan Cain
- Daring Greatly: Brene Brown
- Atlas of the Heart: Brene Brown
- A Fine Balance: Rohinton Mistry
- Swing Time: Zadie Smith
- Caucasia: Danzy Senna
- Caramelo: Sandra Cisneros
- Rose Gold: Walter Mosley
- Pageboy: Elliot Page
- About a Boy: Nick Hornby
- Trainspotting: Irvine Welsh
- Atonement: Ian McEwan
- The Little Friend: Donna Tartt
- Gone Girl: Gillian Flynn
It’s been a week (or a couple)
These past couple of weeks have been challenging. I have definitely had to go in my car and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo quite a few times. Every time I read the news I just get more and more anxious. It’s a habit I am trying to break. I try to go on the news to be more informed, but I end up feeling more anxious. Maybe it’s just a lot of information to take in. I am chanting for world peace. That is one of the best actions I can take.
Wishing all love and peace.
Appreciation- written 6/14/2019
Appreciation- written 6/14/19 I am grateful for everything. For every challenge that came in my life For every piece of food I eat For the job I go to every day For the family I come home to and embrace In a marshmallow soft hug. I am grateful to the environment The Earth in which we live I am grateful that while we live in dark times We each have the potential to uncover the sunshine within Each of us. I am grateful to the Starbucks barista Who smiled at me today and whipped up A delicious mocha frappuccino with soy I am grateful I spent my lunch hour Chilling with a good novel and my dessert drink. I am grateful to be alive When I remember how many people have died recently. I am grateful to be alive When I watch the news and see people suffering I am grateful to know That even as one person I can make a difference by being myself. I am grateful to be alive.
The Saxophonist
He stands backstage Sweaty palms And looks out at the buzzing crowd from behind the iron curtain And he wonders why he even is here in the first place Sharing wordless poetry through his Melodies harmonies doo-da-dee-das He vomited on his tux before he got here Outside a vacant lot Next to a smelly garbage dumpster So here he is, tuxless, because he doesn't want people to smell his acrid puke Up next, Gerry and the Coltranes! He briskly walks onstage Hears a break a leg, feels a pat of assurance That everything is gonna be just fine He looks back at his band members Sweat, beads of it, forming on his forehead He is nervous, shaking in his boots He just vomited and still tastes pennies What's he gonna do now, do a number 2 in his newly dry-cleaned pants? The drummer starts off, rat-a-tat-tat-tat And the beautiful singer, with her elegant red dress Shimmering in the flood of stage lights, scats to the rhythm Shoo-ba-bee-skid-da-dee-da With each syllable she enunciates She sways her hips Her voluptuous ass gyrating under her Red fiery dress. After five minutes of scatting she gives him the nod He releases a steady drone, an E, and then gradually soars The slow triplets lead into a staccato beat A choppy skipping rhythm Then he just loses himself Closes his eyes Blissfully comes into himself again as he skillfully Drops and releases his delicate callused fingers upon Those golden keys He becomes one with the band Surrenders his ego to that Candle in the Wind And just plays sweet beautiful jazz music He fuses with the voluptuous golden beauty From which he produces beautiful children Notes whose births, one by one, melt the hearts of the listeners Witnessing a mass birth of notes.
Movie Review: Till (content warning: disturbing descriptions of racism)
I just finished the movie Till. To be honest I am still processing it since it was a very hard film to watch but I am going to do my best to write as much as I can about the movie. I got it from the library because I heard it got a lot of great reviews and Ariana DeBose, the actress from West Side Story, gave a shoutout to Danielle Deadwyler while singing a medley of “Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves” and “We Are Family” at the BAFTA awards. (Side note: Danielle’s face when Ariana gave the shoutout was priceless.)
So now on to the movie. The film opens up in the 1950s in Chicago, Illinois, and Mamie Till-Mobley and her 14-year old son, Emmett, are driving through the city listening to the radio and singing. However, within a few moments of seeing them singing, Mamie’s face suddenly gets serious and the radio music is overshadowed by suspenseful music and if you know about what happened to Emmett Till, you know she has a sense that something bad is going to happen to her son. In fact, leading up to Emmett’s brutal lynching, the camera forces you to sit with Mamie’s deepening anxiety about her son going to visit his cousins in Mississippi. She warns Emmett that he needs to be careful because the South is known for lynching Black people and his life as a young Black man is basically in jeopardy if he goes down there. But he doesn’t take her seriously and says that he knows he needs to be careful. He goes down to see his cousins and they have to work in the cotton fields as sharecroppers. When Emmett makes jokes and goofs off while they are working, his cousins get upset with him and tell him that he is going to get them in trouble with the white people that they work for, but Emmett doesn’t take them seriously. Unfortunately, Emmett sees the ugly side of this Deep South racism when he goes to a corner store for some candy with his cousins. He browses the store and then goes up to the counter and sees a white lady named Carolyn Bryant working at the counter. He grabs some candy out of the jar and he then tells the lady that she looks like a movie star and pulls out a photo of a white lady and shows her. Emmett’s cousins realize that none of them are watching Emmett, so one of them goes into the store and sees him talking to the white woman, and he’s thinking, I need to get Emmett out of here because he is not supposed to be doing that in this part of town, so he The white lady is offended and then when she comes out of the store, before leaving, Emmett smiles and whistles at her. She grabs a pistol and runs after them, and Emmett and his cousins race into their truck and run off as she stands with the pistol pointing at them. When they get home, his cousins’ parents are up late worried about what happened to them, but then they arrive home and Emmett is laughing and talking about how much fun he had. The dad tells him to be careful and Emmett tells him he knows, and then one of the cousins, while on another night out on the town, is angry at Emmett and tells him that he can’t get off from that incident scot-free and that the white folks are going to go after him and them. Emmett tells them it was just one time and that he would be careful next time.
Meanwhile, while all this is going on, Mamie is worried about her son and has a feeling that something dangerous is going to happen to him. And she has every reason to worry, not just because she is Emmett’s mom but because he is a young Black man in 1950s Mississippi and so his life is pretty much at risk simply because of how white people treated Black people down there. She tells her partner, Gene, that she needs to have a night out with the ladies to get her worries about her son off of her mind, and he agrees, so she takes time away to spend time with her friends, playing cards with them and smoking and chit-chatting. However, her sense of calm quickly disappears and she finds herself once again worrying about Emmett and sensing there is something not okay with him. Unfortunately, she is right. Things are not going great during Emmett’s trip, and the husband of the white lady Emmett was talking with at the corner store comes to Uncle Mose’s house and searches the house for Emmett and the white men take away Emmett. When Uncle Mose tells the men to leave Emmett alone, they threaten to shoot him. While we don’t see the actual brutal lynching of Emmett, we see several men, including some Black men who work for the Bryants, drag Emmett into the truck and we hear Emmett’s screams as the men brutally murder him.
The movie in general was hard to watch, but I think the hardest part was seeing the scene where Mamie goes to see her son’s mutilated body after it was found dumped in the river. The camera does it to where we don’t see the body immediately, but it goes up from under the table to where we can see the body during the autopsy . And man, it is brutal to watch this scene. I had studied about Emmett Till in my U.S. history classes, but when I actually saw Emmett’s mutilated bloated face and entire body on the screen it showed me how brutal his lynching really was and also how fucked up Jim Crow and the legacy of racism was and still is. It reminded me of when George Zimmerman, a police officer, shot and killed a young Black man named Trayvon Martin, who was just going into the store and living his life. Young Black men don’t get to live and enjoy their lives because white America is constantly policing their bodies, and that is how it has been for centuries, even dating back to enslavement. There is a scene in the film where Mamie tells Emmett that when he is down in Mississippi he needs to “be small,” meaning that he has to act servile towards white people and can’t be his confident joyful self because white people just can’t stand seeing a young confident Black man being himself. When Black people resisted the policing of their bodies and experienced freedom and joy, it threatened the idea of safety for many white people and the system of injustice and so instead of letting Black men experience Black joy they did everything in their power to squash that Black joy, including robbing them of life. In the wake of Trayvon being killed, I remember doing a class video project and one of my classmates make a joke about Trayvon Martin and I remember being pretty upset but I was also a coward at the time and was too afraid to say anything because I didn’t want to be pegged as this angry Black woman. I really wish I had spoken up though because Travyon’s murder was not something to joke about. I have become much more hyperaware of how ugly this racism is especially after the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and countless other Black people in America. In the film, Mamie wants everyone to see Emmett’s body in the open casket because she knows that no one will take his lynching seriously if they don’t see the damage that these men did to his body. Seeing Mamie crying over her son’s body on the autopsy table gave me chills, but I had to see this because many times when I was watching historical movies like The Butler and they briefly showed Emmett Till’s body, I would look away or not want to see it. But they portray it for what it was in this movie, and there was no way they could sugarcoat how fucked up the lynching of Emmett Till was, so I had to see it for what it was. I remember when George Floyd got murdered and Derek Chauvin, a white police officer, sat on his neck for about eight minutes. A young woman outside the store videotaped the entire lynching on her phone, and it circled across the internet. Many people, including white people, were shocked and disgusted, and as a Black person, it wasn’t new for me because I had seen countless news articles by this point about people who look like me being brutally murdered at the hands of police. But for many people, they had not seen or learned about police brutality, so for them it was painful to see a human being devalue the life of another human being simply because he was Black. And sure, some people argue that oh, Those Black kids were just walking the wrong way or They were talking too loudly. But that doesn’t mean what Derek Chauvin did was in any way right. He literally took someone else’s life when he didn’t have to. I think had the young woman not videotaped the murder on her phone, I don’t think anyone would have seen how painful and traumatic George Floyd’s murder was. At Emmett’s funeral, the attendees walk past Emmett’s corpse and are deeply pained but they see how brutally he was lynched.
I thought about stopping the film shortly after that, but I had to keep going because the acting was just so damn good. The rest of the movie shows how Mamie works with the NAACP to investigate the lynching of Emmett and the pain and trauma she has to grapple with throughout the trial. Gene doesn’t want her to go to Mississippi alone, but she insists that she needs to go because she needs to bring justice to her son and make J.W. Milam and Roy Bryant, the two white men who lynched Emmett, pay for what they did. As predicted, Milam and Bryant got off scot-free and so did Roy’s wife, Carolyn. Carolyn lied while giving her testimony. She says that Emmett raped her behind the store and that he had been with white girls before, but Mamie clearly sees through this white woman’s bullshit, and so she leaves the courthouse and says she is going home to Chicago because she knows that these white people are going to get off scot-free and that the verdict is going to be that these white men were not guilty of killing Emmett. She speaks at an NAACP rally in Harlem about how the U.S. government and the Mississippi court stood idly by and did nothing to prosecute the white men who killed her son. She returns home though and remembers the life of her son, and when the movie ended I didn’t cry but I was just filled with a deep sense of anger that these men got to go off scot-free while Mamie had to deal with the grief of losing her son to a brutal lynching for the rest of her life. I had to remember though that what happened to Emmett was not an isolated incident. In my intro to Black culture class, we had an unit on the lynching of Black people in the United States, and we had to read an excerpt from a book (I cannot remember the title and frankly the excerpt is still seared into my memory, so I don’t know if I have the stomach to revisit it again) where they detailed the lynchings of Black people in graphic detail. I don’t think I slept well that night of course because all I could think about was that reading. But the reading showed me once again how dehumanizing this system of racism was to Black people and how we need to learn about it because unfortunately, the U.S.’s history was founded on ideals of freedom and justice, but in reality that freedom and justice was not granted to all people, namely Black and Indigenous peoples.
After watching this film I thought about this book I read called The New Human Revolution. In the book Daisaku Ikeda is traveling to the United States in the 1960s and he sees a young Black boy watching a group of white boys playing a game in the park and they exclude this boy because he is Black. When one of the children loses, the Black boy starts cheering and laughing. There is an older white gentleman watching the game and he cheers on the white boys, but when the Black boy started cheering, he runs up to him and started yelling at him. The boy ran away feeling rightfully angry and hurt, and Daisaku Ikeda makes a promise in his heart to the Black boy that he will build a world where this boy feels respected and loved for who he is and not looked down upon for the color of his skin. This scene really moved me because it reminded me that while the U.S. and many parts of the world have an ugly legacy of racism, I can’t give up hope. That doesn’t mean I need to be overly optimistic or simply wish away centuries of slavery, bloodshed and genocide, but I can look at reality but also envision a more hopeful future where people can respect the inherent dignity of each person’s life, and in particular the lives of the marginalized.
Even though this movie wasn’t easy to sit through, the acting is absolutely incredible. Danielle Deadwyler played Mamie Till-Mobley so well, and you can just see Mamie’s raw pain and emotion that just reverberates through her entire being when she loses her son and how she grapples with her loss and also a fucked up system of dehumanizing Black people’s lives. I got goosebumps during the end credits because they feature this powerful song by Jazmine Sullivan called “Stand Up.” I didn’t get out of my chair. I just had to sit there and process the entire experience of watching such a powerful film.
Till. 2022. 2 hr 10 min. Rated PG-13 for thematic content involving racism, strong disturbing images and racial slurs.