My Thoughts on the HIM trailer

(I was working on this post a few weeks ago but never finished it. I decided today that I am just going to publish this post even if it is imperfect.)

Recently, Monkeypaw Productions and Universal Pictures came out with a new trailer for the sports horror film, HIM. I saw the teaser trailer and it looked pretty gnarly. I am a scaredy-cat, though, and part of me thinks that I only like to listen to the horror movie trailers while closing my eyes for the overstimulation of the trailers–the noises, the jump scares, the demonic voices–without actually watching the visuals. I don’t know why I keep doing it though. Honestly, I talked with my dad about it and he told me that I don’t need to watch scary movies (he doesn’t either because he knows it is something he isn’t interested in watching) because he knows that I am a sensitive person who doesn’t like a ton of gore and jump scares.

At first I thought HIM was directed by Jordan Peele but I saw on a lot of Reddit comments that he is the producer, not the director. The actual director of HIM is Justin Tipping. I’m not familiar with his work, but from watching the trailer I am guessing the theaters are going to be pretty packed. I might be too much of a wimp to see it, though. The trailer made me think about other movies I’ve seen where these competitive (and for the most part, young and impressionable) people meet these hardcore, sadistic instructors who not only push them to their limits, but also bring out the characters’ dark sides. In Black Swan, which is a psychological horror film, Nina is this sweet girl but a total perfectionist who goes to great lengths to win the role as the Black Swan. She is up against this other young woman who is just as talented as she is, and Nina descends into madness as she trains and trains to win the role as the Black Swan in Swan Lake. Honestly, I should have followed my gut instinct and not watched that movie because again, I am not great with watching horror movies and the content I watch sticks in my head forever. But it did make me reflect on my own perfectionism, and even though it was a fictional film, it showed me that perfectionism can be dangerous if setting high standards drives you to harm your body and lash out at others. I have been in that dark place of perfectionism before as a musician who just wanted to get into a top prestigious orchestra, and boy am I glad I took a break and started playing my cello for fun again, because I was losing my shit over a fucking section cello position.

The HIM trailer begs the question: what is someone willing to sacrifice to be number 1 in their field? The main character, Cameron, wants to be the GOAT (greatest of all time), but when he meets his idol, Isaiah White, who is a retired football legend, and starts training at his compound, the training regimen that Isaiah puts Cameron through ends up being sadistic, and, quite frankly, satanic. I watched a lot of the reaction videos to the trailer and from people’s reactions, it looks like it is going to be a pretty graphic film. I didn’t watch the part where Cameron has to throw footballs at several guys, but from hearing the sound effects of the guys having the footballs smashed into their faces (and seeing the people in the reaction videos cringe in disgust during that scene) I was like, “Okay, yeah, I just have to accept that I won’t be able to stomach violent movies like this.” The poster already looked pretty bloody. It shows Cameron all bloody and his arms outstretched like he is Jesus Christ on the crucifix. I did love the music in the trailer, though. It reminded me of the music in the trailer for Whiplash, which, even though it is a drama, is pretty horrific because the jazz band leader, Fletcher, throws chairs at his students, screams at them and shouts homophobic and outdated ethnic slurs at them. Andrew really wants to be in his jazz band, but Fletcher ends up driving Andrew to extreme stress. Andrew was already a perfectionist, but Fletcher bullied him and made him think that to be the greatest drummer of all time, he had to push himself beyond his limits to the point where Andrew could have ended up in the emergency room with all of the injuries he sustained from playing the drums until his hands bled and that car accident he got into. Watching the HIM trailer reminded me a lot of the movie Whiplash, because it shows how this abusive jazz band leader pushes his students, in particular Andrew, to extremes. Fletcher, the band leader, at one point in the movie says that the worst thing someone can say to someone else is “Good job.” Even though Whiplash and HIM are different genres of movie, the former being a drama and the latter being a horror movie, both these movies seem to show that while it’s okay to want to be the best, it’s easy to let success go to your head to the point where you tear other people down and resort to self-destructive methods to achieve that success. I would be so curious to see how professional football players feel about the movie HIM, because I read some of the reactions to Whiplash and a lot of jazz musicians were divided about how the movie inaccurately portrays what it’s like training at conservatory. To be fair, Damien Chazelle, the director, was only going off on a personal experience he had with a mean high school jazz teacher, so the movie definitely can’t speak for everyone’s experience working in jazz. And neither can Black Swan, because Nina is a fictional character and the movie is a psychological horror movie, not a documentary. Then again, I am neither a professional jazz musician nor a professional ballerina nor a professional football player, which is why, when HIM comes out, I would love to read any comments from professional football players or people who work in sports psychology or any sports-related fields about the film. I unfortunately won’t go see it because after seeing the movie Sinners, I reached my threshold for scary stuff and won’t be going to see anything scary any time soon.

Movie Review: Revolutionary Road

Content warning: discussions of abortion

For the first time in 2016, I watched Titanic. Up until then, I would listen to a table full of high schoolers talk about the movie, and I would casually say, “I haven’t seen Titanic.” They would gawk at me, incredulous, and exclaim, “What?!? You’ve never seen Titanic?” I might as well have been hiding under a rock. My parents had a VHS set of Titanic (I guess there were two VHS cassettes because the movie is about three hours long) but when it came out in 1997, I was only four years old and, well, Titanic is PG-13 for a reason. If I watched Titanic with my parents, I would have bugged them throughout the movie, asking them questions like, “Mommy, why did that red-haired lady take off her clothes? And why is that man scribbling on a piece of paper and staring at her?” It would not have been a great viewing experience for my parents. Also, as someone who cries at even the smallest thing (I am an empath at heart), when I would go to the ice-skating rink for lessons, and that darn “My Heart Will Go On” song came on, I would start tearing up and crying because the music and Celine Dion’s voice was so moving. One of the ice-skating teachers observed me and told my parents, “This little girl is going to be a humanitarian someday.”

Fast forward to the fall of 2016, and I am up at 1:00 am, ugly-crying Viola Davis style as the end credits rolled on my laptop and Celine Dion’s voice sang “Near/ far/ wherever you are…” I was not only sad at the end. I was SHOOKETH. I had to home visit a friend in my Buddhist community the next day, which is why, looking back, I would not ever watch a movie like Titanic before going to bed because I know that it is going to keep me up. At night, all I could do was toss and turn and agonize over that one question that was apparently on a lot of people’s minds: Was there or wasn’t there enough room on that door for Jack? And why did Rose have to have the damn door all to herself? I know, I know, you’re rolling your eyes and saying, Geez, it’s just a movie. Get over yourself. Also, James Cameron is the director of the movie, so no matter what those guys on MythBusters did to prove that there was enough room on that floating door for Jack, James Cameron said that Jack sacrificed his life and was being a gentleman by letting Rose float on that door and sinking to his death. What was comforting, though, was that after I had watched the movie and told two of my friends from college how angry and upset that I was about that ending, they empathized with me and agreed that Rose shouldn’t have hogged that door. Of course, Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were just doing their jobs as actors. Also, it’s a drama: it’s supposed to be sad, and in real life, many people on The Titanic did not survive when the ship hit the iceberg and sank. I think going to that person’s house and chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo with her and my mom brought me some much-needed comfort, because literally that ending of Titanic gave me serious nightmares. I was that upset. Over a movie. After I watched it, I became a little bit obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio and started reading interviews and articles about him and his life growing up. I admit, I was decades late to the screaming-girls fan club of Leonardo DiCaprio. It was a very late parasocial relationship where I read interviews he did in his teens and 20s (I also was a little obsessed with his work as an environmentalist at one point.) But it was fun to fangirl over him, nonetheless. I later on saw him in The Wolf of Wall Street, and it was a totally different role than the sweet fun character of Jack in Titanic. Jordan Belfort was not a nice guy. He was misogynistic, greedy and a very miserable mean man. He started off being kind, but he got influenced by the dog-eat-dog mentality of Wall Street and soon was cussing at his employees and snorting cocaine out of a… okay, that part I probably don’t want to talk about, because to this day I can’t get that image out of my head. All you have to know is that it was gross. All I could think was, how did he and Jonah Hill’s character, Donny, survive even after all of the Quaaludes and other hard drugs they did?

But honestly, even though The Wolf of Wall Street was pretty tough for me to sit through, especially as a young woman watching Jordan cheat on his wife with multiple women in the movie, I really admire Leonardo’s acting and how versatile he is. Which brings me to the 2008 romantic drama called Revolutionary Road. Like Titanic, it also stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, and like Titanic, it was emotionally intense. I didn’t cry but I was pretty depressed after watching Revolutionary Road. What kept me watching the movie, though, was the incredible acting of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. The film takes place in the 1950s, and Frank and April Wheeler meet at a party at the beginning of the movie. They don’t see themselves as conventional people, but they end up doing what a lot of (white) straight people in America did what was expected of them at that time: get married, move to a white-picket-fence suburb in Connecticut and have children (I use “white” in parentheses because no way my Black ass was going to be allowed near a white picket fence in the 1950s.) Frank brings home the bacon at his 9-5 office job, and April, an aspiring actress, stays at home and takes care of the kids while continuing to audition for roles. They are friends with a couple named Howard (Richard Easton) and Helen Givings (Kathy Bates), who have a son named John (Michael Shannon), who has a bleak outlook on life. Frank and April are also friends with a couple named Milly (Kathryn Hahn) and Shep Campbell. (David Harbour) Even though they are living this comfortable life, they are deeply miserable. Frank is miserable at his full-time office job and April isn’t succeeding in her acting career. To escape from the boredom of his suburban man-of-the-house life, Frank sleeps with a secretary at his job, Maureen Grube (Zoe Kazan). April, meanwhile, proposes to Frank that they should move to Paris. Not only that, but she says she will work a job to support them both, completely defying the long-cemented traditional gender norms that dictate that the man brings home the paycheck while the woman stays home and cleans. April thinks that she is going to help Frank escape his boring office job, and that she will also get something out of it because she will become the actress she aspires to be with more opportunities in Europe. They tell their friends they are really excited, but their neighbors are uncomfortable with Frank and April just impulsively deciding they will leave their comfortable life in the U.S. to go to Europe permanently. The only one who seems to understand why Frank and April would leave their miserable lives in suburbia is Helen and Howard Givings’ son, John. He, too, is miserable in the suburbs because he doesn’t fit in and his parents are always thinking he needs to be fixed because he has a mental illness, so he loves that Frank and April, like him, want to leave this miserable empty seemingly perfect white-picket-fence life.

However, shit hits the fan and their plans to move to Europe flunk when Frank gets a promotion at work and April finds out she is pregnant again. Frank tries to talk her out of the plan to go to Paris, but April is devastated that her dreams to escape this boring conventional life have been crushed by reality, and she thinks about getting an abortion, but this is the 1950s and there was a huge taboo against getting an abortion. Also, since there were probably no abortion clinics back in that day, women had to use dangerous methods to carry out abortions. I think that is why this movie was so devastating to watch, because Frank goes off to work without him and April blowing up at each over, but then when he is gone, she carries out the abortion by herself and ends up bleeding to death. Even though I didn’t cry, seeing Frank Wheeler grieve and run out of the hospital after finding out his wife died of bleeding from the abortion was hard to watch.

Even though I was born and raised in the suburbs, I don’t know if I would want to live in a suburb in the 1950s. Of course, I wouldn’t have been allowed to anyway, because I am Black and at the time, white flight was happening and white people were moving from cities to suburbs, so there wouldn’t have been any room for me. And I would have probably had white racist neighbors throw eggs at my house and call me the N-word multiple times if I lived in the suburbs at that time. I do kind of resonate with Frank and April’s desire to get out of the suburbs, though, because even though I wouldn’t be allowed to live in a suburb back in the 1950s due to being Black, I grew up in a suburb in the 1990s and 2000s, a time when it was okay for kids like me to go to schools in the suburbs and play in the park with kids of all different races and ethnicities. I really loved growing up in the place I did, but around 16 of 17, I grew jaded of the suburbs and wanted to go to the east coast for college, and I did. I was so ready to get out of Texas and leave for the East Coast, especially growing up as someone who has always loved supporting LGBTQ rights as an ally and went to school where there was a lot of homophobia and transphobia. However, even when I went off to the East Coast for college and went to a place that was LGBTQ friendly, I still dealt with loneliness, depression, anxiety and homesickness during my time in college because I was away from my family for so long. When I moved back to Texas after graduating, I was burned out and took on some part-time jobs, and I was happy at first, but then I started having big dreams of playing at Carnegie Hall in New York City, and I thought that to make it big as a musician I had to move to a city like Los Angeles or New York since there seemed to be more opportunities to get in the music industry. However, as much as I wanted to move to Los Angeles or New York City, I think staying put here in my little suburb outside of Dallas has been ultimately the best decision for now, not only because living in those cities would be too expensive, but because looking back, even though I was bummed about not moving to New York in my 20s, I needed to stay where I was because my mental health was so fucked up and I didn’t know how to take care of myself. Even though I still want to move to New York City someday, staying here in my (not-so-little) Texas suburb has given me the time to think about what I really want to do in life and has given me the time to learn how to take care of my mental and physical health, and also learn how to be a more mature, responsible adult. I threw tantrums about not being able to move to New York, and impulsively applied for an apartment in Harlem without telling my parents, but honestly I needed to get grounded and grow up, because looking back I wasn’t in a good enough financial situation to move to the city. I also wasn’t very emotionally mature back then even though I thought I was mature. I am still saving up money to move, but I know understand after a lot of chanting and self-reflection and talking with friends and family that it takes a lot of preparation to move somewhere else: emotional, financial, etc. I know there are stories of people who just pick up everything, quit their jobs and move to New York City with less than $300 in their savings, but I had to learn over time that everyone has their own unique situation and that picking up everything, quitting my 9-5 and moving to New York was just not realistic for my personal situation. I think chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and studying about Buddhism has kept me grounded so that even if I don’t like everything about Plano, I can still find time to appreciate the little things about it, like the fact that I live near so many grocery stores within a 5 mile radius or that I don’t have to drive far to go to my job everyday.

Honestly, I am glad I read books about relationships before watching Revolutionary Road. I had a sort of dreamy idea about marriage before watching this movie but watching this reminded me that getting married to someone doesn’t always mean one will be happy. I have learned that there are a lot of people in unhappy marriages. I read this book called It’s Not Me, It’s You by Vanessa Bennett and John Kim, two therapists who are married and have a kid together. Reading this book, I learned that relationships take a lot of work and maturity, and you have to also work on yourself, too, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Also, there are a lot of people who are Frank and April’s age nowadays who leave the United States of America and move to Europe or other places overseas for various reasons: better economic opportunities, grad school, better quality of life, or to escape the current madness of the Trump administration. I remember feeling heartbroken that this guy I had a crush on was moving to Europe with his fiancée for a year, but looking back I am glad it worked out the way it did because I realized that I wasn’t actually as in love with this person as I thought I was. He is a great friend, but I am happy he is in a relationship with someone else because after a lot of self-reflection, I realized that I love my independence and don’t want to feel like I have to rush into a relationship. Also, I only really liked that guy because he thought I was attractive when we were in school together, which is a really shallow reason to like someone. I am also asexual, so I didn’t feel any sexual attraction to him or anyone else at the time we met. Also, if I was with this person, I don’t think I would have wanted to move abroad. I like traveling, but again, I love my independence, so I probably wouldn’t have been able to be free and do my own thing if I went to Europe because my partner got a fellowship there. Then again, I probably have no idea what I am talking about because I have never been in a serious committed relationship with someone, so I don’t know whether or not I would have been happy with this guy had he ended up with me and not someone else. The last time I dated a guy was several years ago, and it lasted for about a week before I had to move back to the U.S. and the other person had to move back to Australia. We had to break it off at some point after a couple of years of long-distance talking back and forth on Facebook Messenger, and I think it was the best thing for us at the time because I didn’t have the emotional maturity to be in a serious relationship with someone. What Frank and April did would have been considered totally normal now because a lot of Millennials move to other places, and now that a lot of people work remotely, they can move anywhere for their work. Also, a lot of people have to move to different cities for their jobs, so they have to uproot their lives and start over.

The abortion scene in Revolutionary Road made me think of some other movies I have seen where abortion is a hot topic of debate. There is a movie I saw a while ago called Waves, and it’s about this Black teenager named Tyler, who is part of the wrestling team at his school and has a challenging relationship with his father, Ronald (Sterling K. Brown), who sets unrealistic expectations for him and constantly reminds him that as Black people living in a white affluent area, they don’t have the luxury of failing or being average in what they do, so Tyler has to work ten times as harder as anyone else simply because he is a Black man in a society that doesn’t expect him to do anything exceptional. Ronald didn’t grow up with the opportunities that his kids have, so he thinks Tyler is wasting his life away by not constantly excelling and achieving. Ronald pushes Tyler to the brink of exhaustion and constantly berates him, and even though Tyler’s mom isn’t hard on her son and gives him encouragement, Ronald thinks that encouraging Tyler will make him weak and less of a man, so he criticizes him all the time. Tyler is dating a girl named Alexis and they are enjoying their relationship, but after they have unprotected sex, Alexis tells Tyler that she is pregnant. They go to an abortion clinic where lots of middle- aged white women are standing outside of the clinic holding pro-life signs and protesting abortion, and when they leave, one of the women calls Tyler the N-word and he threatens to fight her. He angrily drives his girlfriend back home, and loses it when Alexis tells him that she is scared of getting the abortion and wants them to keep the baby. Tyler, however, doesn’t want her to keep the baby and he keeps shouting and cussing at her about why she decided at the last minute to not get the abortion. She angrily yells “Fuck you” at him and decides to get out of his car and walk home. He texts her to try and apologize and make up, but she no longer wants to be with him because he doesn’t respect her decision to keep the baby, and after he sends her a flurry of angry text messages demanding that she give him an explanation why she doesn’t want to see him anymore, she breaks up with him over text. His self-worth damaged, Tyler spirals into a rage and destroys everything in his room, with his mom worriedly knocking on the door, asking if he is ok and to answer the door. Tyler’s anger and jealousy drives him to go to prom and confront his girlfriend about her decision to not only keep the baby but go to prom with another guy. He hits her and ends up knocking her to the ground, and she bleeds to death. This scene was heartbreaking, but it showed me that when young men are not encouraged to express their emotions in a healthy way or told that expressing emotions and vulnerability is weak, it can motivate them to express their anger in a destructive way that harms not just themselves, but their friends and family, too.

Movie Post: Boogie

I watched this really awesome movie called Boogie last night. It is about this Chinese American young man named Alfred “Boogie” Chin, a basketball player born and raised in Queens, New York. The movie was released in 2021 and I had watched the trailer a couple of years ago, and was so interested because the acting looked really good. And to be perfectly honest, another reason I watched it was because I hadn’t seen a lot of Asian American stories represented on screen in a long time. I watched the movie Crazy Rich Asians a long time ago, which is about an Asian American young woman named Rachel who travels with her boyfriend, Nick, to his best friend’s wedding in Singapore and finds out that his family is extremely affluent and that Nick is extremely famous. Rachel has to deal with jealous mean girls who want nothing more than to make her feel ashamed for being born lower middle-class and not growing up with family money like Nick did, but her friend, played by the Korean Chinese actress and rapper Awkwafina, is super down-to-earth and helps Rachel shrug off the haters and develop confidence in her beauty and herself. I absolutely loved Constance Wu in this movie. I remember she was in a show called Fresh Off the Boat, which isn’t on anymore, but I haven’t watched it yet. I usually watch a lot of movies with white people and Black people in them, but I really want to watch more movies that are directed by other communities of color, namely the Indigenous, Latinx and Asian American communities. I really loved Crazy Rich Asians, as well as the novel of the same name by Kevin Kwan, but I want to also expand my watch library, too, to watch other movies with diverse representation like Crazy Rich Asians.

I watched Everything Everywhere All at Once with my parents, but I guess I was so tripped up by all of the crazy scenarios in the movie that I failed to appreciate how awesome this movie actually was and that, like all movies, it had a plot and a story. In fact, my dad watched it more than once and he was able to understand the plot, the characters, everything, so the first time my mom and I watched it we were so confused as to what was happening in the different universes, and my dad broke everything down and explained it all. I also don’t watch a ton of science fiction or fantasy movies (except for the Harry Potter movie series and Arrival), so I wasn’t able to turn off my logical analytical brain and just appreciate seeing Michelle Yeoh and Stephanie Hsu’s characters go through all these different universes and how their mother-daughter relationship evolved over the course of the film. Maybe if I read up more on multiverse theory I could have grasped it better, but maybe I also just need to watch it again at some point.

Anyway, back to the movie Boogie. First of all, I really loved the acting! At first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to watch the movie because Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 41%. But honestly, I loved the actress Taylour Paige in the movies Zola and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, so I really wanted to see her in Boogie. I also don’t see a ton of movies with romantic relationships between African American women and Asian American men, except for the movie The Sun is Also a Star, which is adapted from the novel of the same name by Nicola Yoon and is about a Jamaican young woman named Natasha Kingsley and an Asian American young man named Daniel Bae who fall in love in New York City and whose love is tested when Natasha’s family is about to be deported. It was a very moving film, and I also really loved the book. In the movie Boogie, Boogie meets this Black girl in his high school English class named Eleanor, and he finds her attractive and is with his friend checking her out at the gym, but Eleanor thinks he is weird and isn’t attracted to him at first. However, as they get to know each other, Eleanor falls in love with him, and she and Boogie become girlfriend and boyfriend. However, there is a basketball player on the opposing team named Monk (played by the late rapper Pop Smoke) who is Boogie’s rival and constantly calls him anti-Asian slurs like “egg roll” and “wonton soup.” He also tells Boogie that Eleanor was his ex-girlfriend, which Boogie didn’t know. Boogie at first stops responding to Eleanor’s texts when he finds this out, and at first, I thought this was going to crush him and make him stop playing basketball. But Boogie’s determination is so strong, and also because his uncle believed in him and encouraged him to go after his dream of playing in the NBA, especially because if accomplished that dream, he could potentially inspire other young Asian American men who wanted to play NBA basketball but felt that no one would want to hire them because of this stereotype that Asian men can’t play basketball. He also forgives Eleanor after they talk it out, and they rekindle their relationship.

I have a crush on this friend of mine, who is of South Asian descent and is from Queens, New York, so as I watched this movie, I got quite a few butterflies because I think about all the times that we gazed at each other from across the room and giggled shyly at each other during conversations. He found someone else, so we never got together, but I can still appreciate those past memories of us having those subtle little moments of flirtation. I don’t know how he felt about me or whether he was interested in dating me, but it doesn’t matter now because my love for this person goes beyond just romantic love, and honestly, I just want this guy to be happy and fulfilled whether or not we were to end up in a relationship or not.

Movie Blog Post: Capote (2005)

Trigger warning: I go into some pretty gruesome descriptions of true crime, the death penalty and the history of lynchings in this movie post, so if you need to skip reading this movie review for the sake of your mental health, I totally understand. I promise. It’s also long as fuck, so you might be better off playing pickleball or making yourself a delicious cheese sandwich than reading this long-ass movie post.

Oh. My. Gosh. I just finished watching the movie, Capote, with Philip Seymour Hoffman. It blew me away. I had been wanting to see this movie for a really long time. When I was around 11 or 12, I watched the Academy Awards Ceremony, and Hilary Swank was reading the nominees for Best Actor. Hoffman was nominated for his role as the author Truman Capote in the film Capote, and even though they showed just a little clip of his performance, it was pretty powerful. He ended up winning the award for Best Actor that evening, and I actually rewatched the speech on YouTube because it was so moving and it made me miss Hoffman. If you don’t know Philip Seymour Hoffman, he was an American actor who starred in drama films such as Doubt, Moneyball and Capote. I don’t have an extensive knowledge of his filmography, and there are many movies that he was in that I still want to watch, like Synecdoche, New York and Moneyball. but I absolutely loved his performance as a priest in the film Doubt with Amy Adams and Meryl Streep. Like his performance in that movie, his performance in Capote gave me chills. Like, long after the movie was over, I was just stunned into silence. I could not believe what I had just watched, and while as a kid I wasn’t old enough to see Capote (it was rated R and as a 12-year-old who didn’t watch any true crime shows or movies, the subject matter would have gone over my head) seeing it now as a grown adult was still a deeply haunting but powerful experience. Honestly, I miss Philip Seymour Hoffman. Watching Capote reminded me of the incredible legacy that he left for the world of cinema, years after his death.

The film focuses on Truman Capote’s journey writing his famous book, In Cold Blood, which investigates the 1959 murder of the Clutter family in Holcomb, Kansas. (I haven’t read In Cold Blood yet, but when I was at an orchestra rehearsal in high school, one of the orchestra members I was talking to had brought a copy of the book with her because she was reading it for English class.) The movie opens with a young woman going into a house and finding the dead body of a girl in bed, with blood splattered on her wall. Shocked, she leaves the room. The scene switches to New York City, where famed American author Truman Capote is entertaining a crowd of writers and intellectuals and recounting a conversation he had with fellow author James Baldwin, who was writing a book about a Black man and a Jewish man having a relationship with each other, and how he worried about it being too controversial for readers. The next day, Truman reads the papers and finds out that a family was murdered in Holcomb, Kansas and police are investigating who murdered the family. Truman has a large following of people who love his books, but instead of writing within his comfort zone of fiction, he decides to write a non-fiction book covering the Holcomb family murders. His childhood friend, Nelle Harper Lee, writer of To Kill a Mockingbird, assists him in his research for the book, which involves not just talking to the witnesses in Kansas but to the very men who murdered the Clutter family, Richard Hickock and Perry Smith. Of course, the movie is a biographical drama, and usually when you direct a movie you take artistic or creative liberties with the script and the characters, so I had to understand that there were probably going to be some inaccuracies in the film. Then again, I am not a scholar in American history and didn’t know anything about the Clutter family murders, so all I knew about In Cold Blood was from watching this film.

The movie shows the psychological and emotional toll that writing the book and investigating the murders took on Truman Capote, especially because the court denies Perry and Richard’s appeal and sentences them to execution. I honestly thought about stopping the movie just four minutes shy of its end because the execution scene looked like it was going to be unbearable to watch. Of course, what Perry and Richard did was inexcusable. They should not have murdered the Clutter family. But when Truman visits Perry in jail, he gets to connect with Perry’s humanity even after this awful crime that he and Richard committed. Perry’s sister even warns Truman that he needs to be careful around Perry, because Perry can come off as being this innocent nice person, but he would have killed Truman in a heartbeat if he had the chance. Truman also has to be careful about divulging too much about his personal life, such as his mother’s suicide, because he is starting to become close to Perry, which blurs the boundaries between them. It also puts a strain on Truman’s relationship with his partner, Jack, because Truman is so focused on his research and his visits to Perry’s jail cell that he doesn’t have much time to spend with Jack, who is also a writer. This reminded me of another movie I watched called Trumbo, which is about an American screenwriter named Dalton Trumbo who is blacklisted as a Communist by the U.S. government and struggles to maintain his reputation and keep working while under government surveillance. Trumbo is so busy with his work that he writes his screenplay in a bathtub, much to the frustration of his family. He doesn’t have time to celebrate his daughter’s 16th birthday because he is busy working on his screenplay, and the family can’t do normal daily stuff because Trumbo has to always deal with the press invading his personal life and interrogating his involvement in the Communist party. It is frustrating for his children and his wife because they just want to spend time with him, but he is under so much scrutiny that they can’t just kick back and relax and enjoy private life as a family.

I think the hardest scene to watch was the minutes leading up to the execution of Perry Smith. Truman is devastated when he finds out that the court rejected Perry and Richard’s appeal and is sentencing them to death, so devastated that he cannot get out of bed. He feels ashamed that he didn’t do more to help their case, to prevent them from getting executed, and he tells Perry and Richard this in the holding room before the execution. But Perry and Richard understand that he did what he could, and they confront their last moments with (literal) gallows humor. I tried to get through the execution scene, but it was way too hard. Watching Truman’s pained expression as he watches Perry get hanged before his very eyes sent chills through my spine and my stomach felt queasy as I watched Perry’s dead body hanging from the ceiling. It reminded me of when I watched this movie called Just Mercy, which is based on the true story of a Black lawyer named Bryan Stevenson who fought against racial injustice in the criminal system and to overturn wrongful convictions of people of color, namely the wrongful conviction of a man named Walter McMillian, who was accused of a murder he didn’t commit and was sentenced to death. Fortunately, McMillian was released from death row, but there is one particular scene in the movie that still haunts me to this day. In the movie, Bryan tries to overturn the conviction of another death row inmate named Herbert Lee Richardson, but his appeal to release Herbert is denied, and Herbert is sentenced to death through electric chair. Bryan witnesses the execution of Herbert, which is a traumatic experience. However, as a passive viewer of the movie, I closed my eyes instead of watching the actual execution because I knew it was going to be too emotionally difficult to watch. It was painful because in the scene, Herbert, while in the execution chamber, requests that they play music so that his fellow inmates wouldn’t have to hear him being electrocuted to death. Honestly, watching movies like Capote and Just Mercy made me wonder about the ethics of the death penalty. I remember when I was in ninth grade, and I wore an Amnesty International T-shirt that said, “Rock, Paper, Scissors” and below it “Rope, Chair, Needle,” with a caption below that reading “the death penalty is not something to play with.” I hadn’t done much extensive reading on the topic of the death penalty, but all I know is that it can be a very contested issue and everyone is going to have their own perspectives on whether the death penalty is justified punishment for those who have committed a crime. Some argue that the death penalty is justified because it brings justice and closure for the families and victims of murder. In the film, there is a chilling scene (then again, the whole movie is bone-chilling) where Truman walks into the room where the Clutter family’s coffins are placed, and he sees four coffins lined up next to each other. It is a heartbreaking scene, and he also looks through some grisly photos of the murder victims lying in pools of blood with graphic gunshot wounds. When Perry finally decides to describe the night that he and Richard murdered the Clutter family, it is very hard to sit through, and they show the murders happening in a flashback. Because I am a weakling and squeamish, I also ended up closing my eyes during this scene.

However, one of the arguments against the death penalty is that it doesn’t do much to deter crime and that it is much more expensive than lifelong imprisonment as the other option for punishment. Another is that the death penalty also tends to discriminate against poor people and people of color, who often cannot afford to hire an effective lawyer. I was reading a Brittanica article about the death penalty, and it quotes that Bryan Stevenson said that the death penalty is “the stepchild of lynching.” If you read the history of lynchings in American history, I must warn you it is very disturbing. When I was in my sophomore year of college, we had to read an excerpt from an academic book that described lynchings of Black people in graphic detail, and to this day, while I don’t remember the name of the book, the excerpt we read still haunts me to this day. White American families loved enjoying picnics where they watched Black men, women and children get hung from trees. During my fall semester of college, junior year, the professor set up a little museum in the library with racist artifacts on display so that we could learn how pervasive racism against Black people was not just in the U.S. but also around the world. These artifacts included old postcards of white families enjoying their lemonade, chicken salad sandwiches and whatever the fuck else white people ate at that horrible time in history, while watching with sadistic glee as an innocent Black man, woman or child got swung from a tree and had his/ her flesh burned off. As a young Black person, I was angered, hurt and heartbroken reading about this history and encountering these artifacts, and I nearly threw up when I saw that these postcards actually existed at some point in history, but as much as I wanted to remain blissfully ignorant of this history, I simply could not. Sure, reading about it made me hate being Black during that whole junior year, but since then I have come to realize that no amount of racism can take away my inherent dignity as a Black person in this country.

Another argument of the death penalty is that it is a form of torture that is immoral. Religious figures like rabbi and former public defender Benjamin Zober argue that regardless of whether it brings justice to the family or the victims, the death penalty still involves the taking of another human life. As a Buddhist, I grew up with the philosophy that each person’s life has inherent dignity, and reflecting on a lot of the violence I witness in society, I have realized that it stems from a lack of respect for the inherent dignity of human life. The death penalty involves brutal methods of torture and inflicts pain and suffering on inmates. In Capote, when Truman visits Perry in jail, he has starved himself for a month because he cannot go on living and he is emaciated. Truman, not wanting to see him starve to death, goes to the grocery store and buys a can of baby food and feeds a spoonful to Perry so that he can get even just a little food in his system. He gets to know Perry as a human being even though he and Richard committed a horrendous murder of an innocent family. The actor who played Perry Smith, Clifton Collins Jr., is a phenomenal actor in this movie. He shows the pain and shame that Perry experiences while in his jail cell, reflecting on that grim moment when he and Richard murdered the family, and the isolation he experiences in jail. Early in the film, he is held in a jail cell within a lady’s house and Truman gives him aspirin, hoping that Perry will trust him enough to open up about that night that he and Richard murdered the Clutter family. Truman opens up about himself so that he can find common ground with Perry, so that Perry will trust him enough to give him permission to talk about the murder in the book. As he continues to visit Perry in jail, Truman realizes that Perry is a real human being who is grappling with a traumatic past. It makes me think that people who commit murder don’t usually just go out and kill people for funsies. Like I said, I avoid true crime podcasts, movies and TV shows like the plague. I was in group therapy one time, and we were talking about what we do for self-care after a stressful day. Someone in the group said their form of self-care was watching a TV series that aired on Netflix called Dahmer- Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. I wouldn’t honestly have the stomach to watch that show. Hell, I couldn’t even read a Wikipedia article on Dahmer without wanting to run in a corner, crawl up in fetal position and cry “Mommy! I’m scared!” And as much as I love Zac Efron as Troy in High School Musical and Link in Hairspray, I can’t watch him play Ted Bundy in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile, even though I respect his willingness to expand his range as an actor by playing darker, more mature roles like Ted Bundy.

Many, if not all, of the cases of serial killers and mass murderers involve the killers having some sort of traumatic childhood in which they faced abuse, emotional neglect and abandonment by their parents, mental illness, or the death of a parent or family member. Of course, not everyone with a traumatic childhood or a mental illness goes on a rampant shooting spree at a high school or Walmart, or dismembers other people for consumption (sorry, I had to include Jeffrey Dahmer in this. We are talking about true crime, after all!) There are plenty of people who manage to go to therapy and talk to someone so they can process difficult traumatic events from their past. They even use their traumatic experiences to help someone else going through harrowing experiences that are difficult to cope with. But of course, Capote was set during a time when someone couldn’t just cough up $100 to sit on a therapist’s couch and talk about their fucked-up childhood. Perry kept a lot of his trauma to himself and it is hard to discuss trauma, so at first he didn’t want to open up to Truman because all these events from his past–his mother’s alcoholism and death from drinking, the suicides of two of his family members, his sister’s estrangement from him, not to mention living as a Native American man in a world that still hadn’t grappled with centuries of the genocide and intergenerational trauma of Native American communities–were painful and he had no one to talk with about them who he felt he could trust. Truman was the only person that Perry felt he could trust to tell his side of the story, and as the epilogue of the movie concludes, In Cold Blood was a best-selling book and paved the way for other true crime stories to be told.

It took a LOT out of Truman, though. He couldn’t even celebrate the success of Harper Lee’s best-selling novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, being made into a movie. Even when Jack tells him to focus on celebrating Harper’s success and not on his own personal problems, Truman sits alone, ruminating about the case and his book, unable to find the time to celebrate Harper’s accomplishments. When Harper politely approaches him about it, asking him how he liked the movie, he blows her off, leaving her feeling sad and unrecognized by her friend. Even though she helped him with the research of In Cold Blood, she also accomplished something of her own worth celebrating, but because the research and visits with Perry had taken such a toll on Capote, he doesn’t have the energy to be present with Harper and celebrate her achievement with her. You could probably argue, Wow, Truman was a total asshole for dismissing his fellow writer friend’s success, but at the same time, as much as it sucked for me to watch that scene of the movie where Truman blows off Harper and doesn’t give her credit for her success in getting her own book published, I can’t imagine the stress that Truman went through, writing a book about a true crime and being unable to get two men off of death row. I haven’t read To Kill a Mockingbird (sadly), but I remember seeing the black-and-white movie when I was younger and being blown away by the acting and the storyline. I understand the movie was supposed to focus on Truman Capote’s writing of In Cold Blood, but I kind of wish that the movie had also taken more time to celebrate Harper Lee’s work as an author. She did Truman a huge favor by helping him do the research for the book, so she should at least get some recognition for working on her own manuscript while helping her friend write his. Then again, they only had a little under two hours of history to cram into the movie, so they probably didn’t have time to focus on Harper Lee’s friendship with Truman. They only had screen time to focus only the process of writing In Cold Blood. I loved Catherine Keener’s role as Harper Lee, though. I loved her in the film Get Out. Her role in that movie scared the shit out of me, and frankly I can’t watch that movie again because it was terrifying (also, because racism is real, not a fictional supernatural possessed killer doll who wears overalls and runs around with a knife).

Overall, though, the movie Capote was phenomenal, and even with its bleak subject matter, I think it was worth a watch. I am glad I decided to not stay up late and watch the movie, though, because I don’t think I could have fallen asleep after watching a movie about something so harrowing and disturbing. It reminds me of when I watched Killers of the Flower Moon. I had to pause the movie multiple times not for its 3-hour-runtime, but because it was incredibly disturbing and horrifying to watch Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert de Niro team up as Ernest and Bill Burkhart to poison, maim and butcher countless Native American people and steal their fortunes. But I had to watch it because I didn’t know about the Osage murders growing up, and you can’t learn about American history without learning about the genocide of Native Americans and the intergenerational trauma that Indigenous communities have had to grapple with for centuries. I didn’t know much about Truman Capote other than his book, Breakfast Tiffany’s, so this was a really intriguing movie. It was also timely that I watched this movie this month because it is LGBTQIA+ Pride Month and while they don’t dive deep into Truman’s life growing up as a gay man in the movie, the film does show his relationship with his partner, Jack, and how they navigate challenges in their relationship as Truman buries himself in work. The music score was fitting with the movie’s bleak and grave subject matter. It was somber piano music, and it gave me goosebumps. Even though I miss Philip Seymour Hoffman, I am so glad that he won the Oscar for Capote.

Capote. Year Released: 2005. Runtime: 1 hour 50 minutes. Directed by Bennett Miller. Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Clifton Collins Jr. and Chris Cooper. Rated R for some violent images and brief strong language.

Movie Review: Mona Lisa Smile

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the library to check out more DVDs because I wanted to watch some more movies. I had seen clips of the movie Mona Lisa Smile, which came out when I was young, but I cannot remember if I had watched the entire movie before. I love Julia Roberts and Kirsten Dunst, so I was really excited when I first saw the trailer as a kid. However, I didn’t actually watch the full movie until last night. It was truly a beautiful film, and I really love the acting in the movie.

The movie takes place in the 1950s at Wellesley College in Wellesley, Massachusetts. Wellesley is one of the Seven Sisters colleges, a group of seven historically women’s colleges in the United States. Katherine Watson moves from California to become a professor of art history at Wellesley, and she thinks that the students know nothing about art and are going to be learning something new each day. However, when she puts up the images of paintings on her overhead, the students know the name of every painting that she puts up because they read the entire art history textbook already. Katherine is flabbergasted and has no idea what to do because these students made her look stupid, and she wonders if she is cut out for this job at Wellesley because clearly her students know everything, so why do they need a professor to educate them on stuff they already know? The administration at Wellesley doubt that Katherine has what it takes to be a professor at the college, but over time, Katherine starts to find creative ways to engage her students and gets to know them more. Even though she has a boyfriend back in California, she falls in love with a charming professor named Bill Dunbar, who is rumored to be sleeping with his students, one of them being Giselle Levy, who is in Katherine’s art class and has untraditional attitudes towards marriage and womanhood. Elizabeth “Betty” Warren, another student in Ms. Watson’s class, challenges Ms. Watson and acts like she is superior to her because while Ms. Watson is a single unmarried older woman, Betty is a firm believer in being a proper wife dedicated to the household and her husband. Betty writes a column for the Wellesley school newsletter reprimanding anyone on the staff who espouses unconventional attitudes about femininity and doesn’t uphold conservative ideas of marriage and family. Betty constantly makes disparaging comments about the other girls, and even gets the school nurse, Amanda Armstrong, fired for offering contraception to the student body by writing about it in the newsletter. Even though Betty is mean, we actually find out later on in the movie that her mother is controlling and restricts Betty from living her life the way she wants to.

Connie is another student in Ms. Watson’s art class, and I loved her character because like me, she plays the cello. Betty tells Connie that she will never find a husband or anyone to fall in love with her, but Betty meets a young man named Charlie, who loves her for who she is. However, while they are at the pool, Betty tells Connie that Charlie is getting engaged to another woman and doesn’t actually love Connie. When Charlie finds Connie at another dance later in the movie, he tries to run after her and explain himself, but Connie doesn’t want to hear any of it. Betty tries to cheer up Connie and tell her that Charlie wasn’t meant for her, but Connie sees through Betty’s lies and tells Betty that she lied to her. Betty realizes that she isn’t going to have the happy fairytale marriage she envisioned having with Spencer, because one evening Giselle spies Spencer kissing another woman and I’m guessing Betty soon has to find out that her fiancé was cheating on her. What really bugged me was when Betty’s mom tells her that she can make it work and that Spencer will somehow feel sorry for what he did and stay committed to Betty, but that got me thinking, Well, this may not be the last time he cheats on her.

I think that is why I am kind of glad I watched this show called The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a few years before watching Mona Lisa Smile, because in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, the protagonist finds her own path in life and bucks traditional conventions for married women. In the first episode of the show, Miriam Maisel is a typical 1950s housewife who lives with her parents and takes care of her husband, Joel, and their two kids, Ethan and Esther. While Miriam is cooking the brisket, Joel is telling the same dull jokes and recycling the same boring standup routines about Abraham Lincoln at a comedy club called The Gaslight in Greenwich Village. However, everything changes on the evening of Yom Kippur when Miriam finds out that Joel was having an affair with his secretary, Penny. They separate and Miriam drinks an entire bottle of kosher red wine and delivers an impromptu, foul-mouthed monologue that evening at the Gaslight, skewering her now ex-husband for cheating on her and flashing her breasts to the audience, prompting the police to arrest her. Susie Myerson, who runs the Gaslight club, at first doesn’t see any potential in Miriam when she first meets her, but after seeing Miriam perform, she sees that Miriam is actually pretty funny (and, frankly, much funnier than her ex-husband). Miriam sneaks off after putting her kids to sleep to perform at the Gaslight under the pseudonym Amanda Gleason and even gets a day job at a department store called B. Altman to support herself financially. Her parents, Rose and Abe, are confused as to why she seems so different, so much more independent than before, and later on in the show she confesses to them (and Joel’s parents) that she is a comedian. Rose is disappointed that Miriam won’t just be a good wife who stays at home and takes care of the kids and is upset when she finds out that Miriam was sneaking off behind her back telling foul-mouthed jokes at a comedy club when she should have been making the brisket and changing her kids’ diapers. Even though she doesn’t like the person Miriam is becoming, Miriam realizes that at some point she has to live the life she wants to, otherwise she is going to go her entire life seeking approval from her parents and other people who don’t actually want her to live life as an independent young woman. Even though she gives up a life of domesticity for stand-up comedy, Midge learns to become her own person and that even though she has to deal with a lot of sexism and misogyny in the male-dominated world of comedy, she is pursuing a dream she could have never envisioned for herself and that is true happiness for her. Of course, she still loves Joel, and he sticks up for her through thick and thin, but even he realizes that she is happy pursuing her own life outside of being married to him.

In Mona Lisa Smile, Katherine is frustrated that the women who go to Wellesley are getting this well-rounded and elite education so that they can get married and have children (which of course isn’t a bad thing. Maybe I want to get married and have kids one day even though I’m currently not sure if I want to or not.) One of her students, Joan Brandwyn, wants to go to Yale for law school, but she is conflicted about whether she can do that and be a wife at the same time. Even though Katherine tells her that she can do both, Joan believes that isn’t a possibility. Katherine slips Joan an application to apply to Yale during class and Joan feels encouraged, but when she tells Betty that she is going to Yale, instead of celebrating Joan’s accomplishment, Betty chastises her and tells her that she will be getting married, NOT going to law school, because if, God forbid, Joan gets a law degree and becomes this kick-ass lawyer, then she will absolutely RUIN her chances at finding a husband and will just spend her life being a strong, independent “childless cat lady” (J.D. Vance’s words, not Betty’s). However, after Betty finds out that Spencer cheated on her, she realizes that she doesn’t want to live her life married to a scumbag, and she ends up moving into an apartment with Giselle and leaving her mother’s house because her mother doesn’t actually care about her daughter’s happiness.

I did have to reflect on my attitude towards domesticity at some point in the movie, though, and maybe I was being too judgmental towards Joan. When they are at a dance, Katherine meets Joan’s husband, and he tells her that he got into Penn State. When she asks if Joan is still going to Yale, Joan’s husband tells her that Joan won’t be going to Yale and will instead get married and move to Philadelphia to be with him while he gets his degree and she comes home every day to have dinner on the table for him by 5 o’clock. When Katherine approaches Joan about this, Joan assures her that just because she wants to get married and have a family doesn’t mean she is any less smart or accomplished. Even though this was hard for me to hear, too, it made me think, Hey, yeah, maybe I am being too judgmental about Joan deciding to get married instead of going to law school. Not going to law school didn’t make her any less smart or capable, and maybe she was happier getting married and having a family. It reminded me of the 2019 remake of Little Women (directed by Greta Gerwig) because Jo (Saoirse Ronan) is this fierce, independent young woman who wants to become an author and doesn’t want to get married. Her sisters, however, are growing up and do want to get married and have a family. Jo is frustrated and sad that her sisters are all moving out and having families and marriages, and even her friend, Laurie (Timothee Chalamet), gets married to Jo’s sister Amy (Florence Pugh) and has children with her. However, Jo realizes that she has her own path in life and that if she spends her life comparing her life to her sisters, she is going to be unfulfilled and unhappy, so she pursues her writing career and even meets a man who encourages her to pursue her dreams. I’m actually glad she didn’t end up with Laurie, because I don’t think Laurie would have supported her career or her desire to be an independent young woman. In The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Miriam’s ex-husband, Joel, falls in love with a Chinese American woman named Mei, and after they have sex, she finds out that she is pregnant with his child. At first, Joel is worried that his parents, who are white American Jews, will get angry with him for having an interracial relationship with an Asian American woman, but Joel’s father tells him that it’s not the fact that she is Chinese that they don’t approve of, it’s that she is not Jewish, and he tells her that in order for her and Joel to get married, she has to convert to Judaism. However, Mei ends up bailing out of this whole situation by dumping Joel and getting an abortion, telling him that she wants to go to medical school to become a doctor and she can’t do that and be married to Joel at the same time. Honestly, I was happy that Mei left to become a doctor and not settle down with Joel, because I’m sure she would have regretted not following her dream of becoming a doctor. And that is Katherine tries to tell Joan, that she will regret it for the rest of her life if she gets married instead of pursuing her law degree at Yale. But Joan reminds Katherine that she told Joan that she could do anything she wanted with her degree and her life, and getting married and having a family is something that Joan truly wants. And honestly, I don’t say all this to shit on women who are raising kids whether or not they are employed or unemployed. I REALLY don’t want to do that. Raising kids and being a mom is a fucking full-time JOB for a lot of women. So that’s why I am glad I have been watching different things, reading different things, to get people’s perspectives on motherhood and womanhood in general. Because the last thing I want to do is make any women (and people) with children feel like utter shit for doing what they do, and they have all the respect from me.

Now that I am older, this movie hits a lot harder because I am at the age when my peers are getting married and having families with each other, and I am still a childless “cat lady” with no cats (even though I want to have one, I don’t want my mom sneezing around the house if I suddenly get a heart and bring home a stray abandoned tabby named Muffin that I found in the alley. I definitely couldn’t bring Muffin home if she was preggo with kittens, either, because that would be double the allergies. Maybe I will be an actual cat lady in my next lifetime, just not this one.) I recently watched a TED Talk by this woman named Bella DePaulo, who writes about the joys of singlehood and the stigma that single people have to deal with every day. It was very reassuring and reminded my young ass that even if my old ass remains single and unmarried, I can still live a happy fulfilling life. I also just finished reading her book, Single at Heart, which talks about the stigma that single unmarried people deal with from society and how single people like me can live their best lives. Like I said, I might find someone who is so sexy and fine that I want to say, “Damn, I want to jump your bones AND get married to you.” But for now, little old possibly asexual me hasn’t found that person yet. And frankly, even though I have a crush on someone, I probably should just focus on taking care of myself rather than worrying too much about finding a date. Not that dating is bad. As someone with minimal dating experience, I am sure it is fun to go on dates with people. But right now, my mental health isn’t great, and I am really trying to take care of myself both physically and mentally.

Book Review: Born a Crime by Trevor Noah

A few days ago, during my lunch break at work, I finished a memoir by South African comedian Trevor Noah titled Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood. I love Trevor Noah, and I loved watching him when he was on The Daily Show on Comedy Central. When people had to go into quarantine during 2020, the show became The Daily Social Distancing Show and Trevor Noah did Zoom chats with celebrities and the other comedians on The Daily Show like Roy Wood, Jr., Desi Lydic, Dulce Sloan and Lewis Black. Watching The Daily Show gave me a deeper understanding of global issues and pop culture issues that I would not have otherwise looked into, and Trevor did it with a funny twist. One of my favorite episodes was when Trevor played a song on the keyboard before we all had to go into quarantine, and he sang to the studio audience about what he was going to miss about having a live studio audience (due to the emergency declaration, late-night shows couldn’t have live audiences and had to film their shows via Zoom/ videoconferencing). He sang about how he was going to miss the people with the “weird-ass laughs”, the people who explained the show to other audience members, and a guy who wanted to hear about their home continent of Africa (the guy shakes his head and shouts from the audience, “Tell them about Uganda!”) When he left The Daily Show, I was pretty devastated at first but later came to understand that he left because he wanted to avoid burnout and also do other things with his life. That is totally understandable looking back, because late night TV is a serious job with serious demands. I don’t know what time late-night TV hosts like Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, or Stephen Colbert actually go to bed, or what time they have to film their shows, but it sounds like an intense job even though they clearly love what they do.

I remember that Trevor’s memoir, Born a Crime, came out in 2016, and when I went to a summer music camp, I saw this boy reading the book and told myself that I would get around to reading it eventually. This past year I read a lot of memoirs by actors and comedians like Seth Rogen, Josh Peck, Aparna Nancherla, and Busy Phillipps. So, I was very glad that when I went to my local college library, they had a hardcover copy of Born a Crime waiting on the shelf, just for me. I immediately checked it out along with some other books (since I am a community patron, I am only allowed to check out up to five books). I am so glad I got to finally read this book, Born a Crime. Even though we learned about apartheid in South Africa in my world geography and history classes in high school, reading an account by someone who lived through apartheid is a completely different experience than reading about it in a high school textbook. There is only so much that the school curriculum can cover during the school year, and so even though we learned about the history, political systems and cultural traditions of African countries, reading a first-hand account by someone who went through it was so different from just reading about South Africa in a textbook. For instance, in the memoir Trevor talks about the different languages that people in South Africa speak. To be honest, the only language I was familiar with before reading the book was Afrikaans. In seventh grade during the springtime, I went to Washington, D.C. for an ambassador program called People to People, and there was one girl on the program, a young white woman named Alta, who was from South Africa. She wasn’t the first person I met who was from South Africa. In elementary school, there were these two fraternal twins who were born in South Africa and came to the U.S. for public school, and one of the members in my Buddhist organization was from South Africa. But still, I had only met a few people from South Africa up until that point, so it was pretty interesting getting to meet someone on the program from South Africa, and she was also the only one in our group who was from outside of the United States. Alta also taught us how to say numbers in a language spoken in South Africa called Afrikaans, and it was my first time learning anything in Afrikaans. In my sophomore year of college, I took a class called African Popular Music, and it was such a great class because I got to listen and expose myself to different music styles in African countries. The course taught me that music in Africa doesn’t exist in a monolith. There are various styles within the realm of African music. We had to do a final project for the course, and one of the groups presented on a rap rave duo called Die Antwoord, who hail from South Africa. I didn’t know anything about the group, but the presenters showed a very explicit music video that they did for this song called “Evil Boy” (to this day, I still don’t have the stomach to watch it) and the people giving the presentation warned us in the class before showing the music video that it was explicit. I ended up closing my eyes during the music video because I have a weak stomach, but I could still hear Yolandi Visser’s high-pitched voice scrape like nails on a chalkboard, and it was definitely a sound I wasn’t used to. I am a Motown/ Anita Baker kind of girl, and haven’t listened to any rap rave music, so listening to Die Antwoord was a totally new (and rather uncomfortable) experience for me. After the group presented on Die Antwoord, I decided to look up the group on Wikipedia and found that the duo frequently used blackface in their music videos (they are both white South Africans). In America, blackface has a long history of being used in minstrel shows to mock Black people, and there are 21st century celebrities like Julianna Hough and Sarah Silverman who have used blackface and have faced significant backlash for doing so. Studying about the history of minstrelsy and blackface in America made me curious about how other countries perceive blackface.

Reading Born a Crime gave me a better understanding of South Africa’s complicated history with racism and colorism under apartheid. Trevor Noah was born to a Xhosa mother and a white Swiss/ German father, and under apartheid his mother and his father weren’t allowed to be seen together, so Trevor became much closer to his mom than he did his dad. Even when he visited his dad as an adult, his dad still didn’t share much about his past childhood or much about himself as a person, so Trevor’s biological dad had always been a mystery. His mom, however, is outspoken, religious and independent. She is a single parent raising Trevor by herself, but Trevor’s mother never wants to elicit pity from anyone or feel sorry for herself, and she instills that in Trevor as well, telling him that they are not victims who people need to feel sorry for. For those who aren’t familiar with apartheid in South Africa, it was a policy of racial discrimination and segregation that the white South African government established to oppress Black South Africans, who made up the majority of South Africa’s population. Long after apartheid was repealed thanks to the painstaking efforts of the late Nelson Mandela, the policy still has done lasting damage to the social fabric of the country and people are still left having to grapple with this 20th century segregation policy that discriminated against black people and gave white people access to privileges not afforded to black South Africans. The first time we studied about apartheid was when I watched the Disney Channel Original movie called The Color of Friendship, which is about a friendship that forms between a white South African girl and a Black family in America. However, I watched the film a long time ago when it first came out, so I would have to watch it again. Reading Born a Crime truly showed me how complicated and messy the system of apartheid truly was. Like a lot of biracial and multiracial kids, Trevor struggled to figure out whether he was black or white, and in South Africa, under apartheid, there was also a racial classification called “colored.” Growing up, Trevor faced loneliness and bullying at school and didn’t know which group he fit in with, so he had to spend a lot of time on his own.

I think the scene that was the hardest to get through, though, was when Trevor’s brother, Andrew, calls him to tell him that Trevor’s stepfather, Abel, shot his mother in the back and head for divorcing him and remarrying. When Trevor’s mom and Abel first meet while Abel is working as a car mechanic, Abel comes off as this charming guy, but Trevor doesn’t have a good feeling about him, and when his mom tells him that she and Abel are getting married, he tells her that she probably shouldn’t. As their marriage progresses, Trevor witnesses Abel physically abusing his mother and come home drunk. Even when Abel beats her, Trevor’s mom assures him that it is okay and she stays married to Abel. Abel grew up in a traditional household where the men run everything and the women and daughters have to cook and clean for the men. Trevor’s mom, however, is an independent woman so she doesn’t agree that she has to always be at Abel’s beck and call. Trevor’s mom tries to help pay off the debt that Abel accumulates running the mechanic business, but finally she gets fed up with Abel shirking his responsibility to pay the bills and take care of the kids and divorces him. One day, after Trevor’s mom and her new husband come back from church, Abel shoots a gun at them, and Trevor’s mom suffers near-fatal injuries and has to be taken to the hospital. Even though she survived, I remember just breaking down in tears reading that scene because I haven’t been in a situation where I have had to witness domestic violence. I guess that is why reading about domestic violence is so important, though, because I have to be aware that domestic violence is a serious reality that a lot of (mostly) women face. When I finally finished the book, I couldn’t stop crying and thankfully I had closed the door of my office because if I didn’t, my coworkers would have probably heard my loud sniffles and sobs from down the hall. The book truly had an impact on me.

Honestly, reading about Trevor’s relationship with his mom really made me want to appreciate my own mother. As a teenager, I acted like such a spoiled brat, and even when I moved back home in my 20s, I would still throw tantrums and snap at my mom and slam doors even when I knew deep down that I was yelling at the very person who birthed me, fed me food, and put a roof over my head for more than twenty years. I grew up pretty privileged, even though I didn’t grow up in a family of millionaires or with generational wealth. I went to a school with an incredible fine arts program, and was able to take cello lessons every week, and even after graduating, my dad paid for me to take these $100 cello lessons every week. However, looking back, I really struggled to have appreciation for the circumstances I grew up in. I think that is why I love reading books, because there is a quote on my calendar (it’s a calendar with photos of libraries around the world on it) by James Baldwin, and the quote reads “you think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read.” That quote really hit hard, and reminded me why I love to read so much, because reading opens me up to different perspectives from authors around the world and helps me learn about different circumstances that people grew up in. Learning about the system of apartheid in South Africa from reading Born a Crime was eye-opening. It’s easy for me to just focus on the history of Jim Crow and racism in a US context, which of course is important to learn about, but reading Born a Crime reminded me that it’s important to learn about the history of discrimination and human rights abuses in other countries. Even though South Africa was predominantly Black, a white minority put together this system so that they could oppress the Black majority. Racism and other forms of prejudice like xenophobia, homophobia, and transphobia stem from fear and ignorance, and educating myself about this history is important because history repeats itself.

Overall, the book was an eye-opening, poignant and raw reading experience, and I highly recommend it for anyone who hasn’t read it yet.

Movie Post: Sinners

I just got done eating a dinner of scrambled tofu with tortillas and a side of fruit, and I am writing this post because I am still processing the movie I just saw, and writing helps me get my thoughts out. Honestly, I hope I get a good sleep tonight because I went to the 5 o’clock showing of Sinners and it was good but HELLA scary. To be honest, I don’t like horror movies. I had a traumatic experience as a kid going through Blockbuster (for those who were still embryos and fetuses in the belly around the time of Blockbuster and never got to experience its magic, it was an American video store chain that went out of business unfortunately. For a lot of millennials, it was a key memory of our childhoods and something we often looked forward to). While some Blockbuster stores did a good job of keeping the kids and family movies away from the horror movies, one Blockbuster store did the opposite. My dad, sister and I would walk in, and I would have a hard time going through the video rental store without having some sort of panic attack. Surrounding me were creepy covers of movies like The Silence of the Lambs, Child’s Play and Friday the 13th. Even though I tried to focus on finding a kid’s movie to rent, I was so freaked out that I just wanted to get the heck out of Blockbuster and go home and cry and curl up in fetal position. Okay, I may be exaggerating, but I certainly wasn’t exaggerating about the anxiety I would feel going into Blockbuster during Halloween because all of the scary movies were being heavily advertised throughout the store.

However, I took a chance and decided to watch Sinners. I had seen the trailer and thought, Oh, no, this is way too scary. I am not seeing this. But then someone I knew texted me and told me that they recommended I see it because it was a really good movie. And honestly, at the end of a stressful workday, I just wanted to do something fun and not have to think about work, so I was willing to push my boundaries to see a scary movie. As someone who is highly sensitive to violent movies and tries to not watch too many (although I have seen quite a few, like The Last King of Scotland, Pan’s Labyrinth and Gladiator) this was a huge act of bravery for me. For the past four or five movies I have seen since coming back to a real-live movie theater after the lifting of the SARS-COVID-2 emergency declaration (note: I am aware that COVID is far from over and is still fairly transmissible, so I wore my N95 mask throughout Sinners because I was next to quite a few people who were not masked. I only took the mask off when I was eating my Nutter Butters and drinking a few sips of water), a lot of these movies show red band and scary movie previews. And I either have a mini-panic attack and scamper down the steps to the restroom until I calm down, or I cover my eyes (and ears, because the horror previews are LOUD) and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to calm down. I thought, If I can’t handle watching movie previews for 28 Years Later, Until Dawn and Drop, I probably should steer clear of Sinners. Watching the trailer was probably a warning sign for me to not go, but I went anyway, because like I said, I was tired and burned out at work and wanted to do something that wasn’t work-related, and going to the movie theater is something I enjoy doing from time to time.

I kind of wish I had brought my knitting to the movie theater, but I wanted to make the 5 o’clock showing since it was a matinee and only $6. Evening showings of movies are usually more expensive, and the gas tank of my car was running low, so I stopped to get gas. I was able to also share about my Buddhist practice with the cashier at the gas station. Whenever I share about Nichiren Buddhism with others, regardless of what religion they practice, I always feel happier. When I went to the cash register to ring up my Nutter Butters and Dasani water, I also gave the cashier a card with information about Nichiren Buddhism and Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I felt happy after giving him a card about chanting.

I went over to my seat in the farthest row from the screen. I learned my lesson several years ago when I went to a showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with my dad the summer before tenth grade, and we got to the theater too late and all of the seats except for the ones at the very front of the movie screen were taken. So, my dad and I had to sit in row A, which was right in front of the screen, so we couldn’t really enjoy the movie because our eyes (and necks) were so strained from looking at the movie screen. It was so close that I really couldn’t zoom out and watch the movie from a comfortable distance. I left the theater with a headache, and a much-needed visit to the eye doctor in case my vision got damaged.

I found myself rather anxious at first about watching Sinners because I haven’t seen a lot of horror movies, and so I went into the restroom and took a few deep breaths. When I got into the theater house to watch Sinners, I found myself in company with a lot of people on my row, which in this particular instance was good, because I wouldn’t want to watch a horror movie alone in a movie theater. A comedy or drama, yes. Horror, no. I sat in the theater and followed suit when I saw my fellow moviegoers resting their legs on the recliners of the movie seats. I pushed the button on the side and rested my feet on the recliner. One of the previews I walked into was for a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio called One Battle After Another. When that finished, the preview for Final Destination: Bloodlines began. Thankfully, I knew what to expect because I “watched” the trailer. I put the “watch” in parentheses because “watching” a supernatural horror for me looks like closing my eyes/ covering the phone screen so that I don’t have to actually watch the trailer itself but instead listen to it. It allows me to be scared by the sound effects of screaming and jump scares rather than actually see the decapitations, impaling and other gnarly gruesome stuff that is shown in the trailer. The minute “Something’s Got a Hold on Me” by Etta James was playing, and the family was making lemonade in their backyard, I closed my eyes and groaned, “Ugh.” Of course, what do you expect? If you’re going to see a supernatural horror like Sinners, it’s only fair that the previews are scary, too. But I still found even just listening to the screams and other scary stuff in the Final Destination: Bloodlines trailer was enough to get my heart racing (in a stressful way.) I sat through the two minutes of that trailer with my eyes closed, and I’m sure glad I did, even though others around me watched the trailer. I have realized over time that my threshold for violence and gore in movies is going to be different from other people’s thresholds, so I am responsible for setting boundaries for myself around what kind of content or media I consume. Once I watch that kind of intense gory content, it’s really hard for me to un-see it.

But I am digressing, so let’s talk about the movie. The movie takes place in the 1930s Mississippi, and it opens up with a young man walking into a church, his clothes bloodied, and his face worn. The young man is carrying an acoustic guitar, and when he walks into the wooden church-house and his father, a preacher, sees him come in, you know that there has been some trouble and something traumatic has happened to this young man. Sammie, also known as “Preacher Boy”, aspires to be a blues musician. He has the talent, the voice, and the soul to become one. However, his father disapproves, and admonishes Sammie for his love of blues music, which his father considers to be immoral “devil’s music.” Sammy refuses to listen to his father, and his father warns him that he is “dancing with the devil” by playing blues music and that he is going to unleash a demonic force if he continues to play the blues. Sammie refuses to listen to his father, and sets out with his cousins, twin brothers named Smoke and Stack who come back to Mississippi after doing business in Chicago and decide to open a juke joint for the members of their community. Mary, who is a Black woman passing for white, is Stack’s ex-girlfriend and confronts him for leaving her. Stack and Smoke recruit members of the community to help them open the juke joint, including a Chinese American couple, Smoke’s estranged wife named Annie and others. Sammie plays guitar for Smoke and Stack, and they praise him for his musical talent. While Smoke and Stack are getting ready for the big opening of the juke joint, a ragged young white vampire named Remmick jumps out of nowhere and arrives at the home of a white couple. He convinces them that he needs to stay with them because he is escaping a dire situation and is helpless. The couple ends up believing him and takes Remmick into their home. Remmick then turns them into vampires. Meanwhile, at the juke joint, Sammie gives a soulful blues performance on his guitar and the sound of his guitar summons Remmick and the now-turned vampire couple.

Remmick and the white couple approach the juke joint and try to convince Smoke, Stack and the people of the Black community running the juke joint that they want to join the party and play music for them. At first Smoke, Stack and his friends don’t trust these vampires, but then Mary decides to go talk to them since she passes for white and can somehow figure out whether these people are who they say they are. However, things take a turn when Mary comes back to the party after talking with the vampires, having turned into a vampire herself. She kills Stack and turns him into a vampire. Remmick turns the other Black people at the joint into vampires, leaving Smoke and Preacher Boy to fight off all of the vampires. The scenes where the people turned into vampires was pretty gruesome and terrifying, but somehow, I was able to sit through all of these bloody scenes. Not that I didn’t think it was gross, but I had read about the movie content on Does the Dog Die and Kids in Mind before seeing Sinners, so I kind of knew what to expect. I know, you think, reading a parent’s guide before going to see a movie takes the fun out of watching the movie. But to be honest, I don’t like jump scares, so knowing which violent content I could expect when seeing the movie helped me feel somewhat (if not totally) prepared for all of the scary stuff that happens in the movie.

Even though it was a scary movie and I tried to do something relaxing after watching Sinners, it truly was a powerful film. I saw Ryan Coogler’s directing work for the Black Panther movies, which Michael B. Jordan also stars in. Also, I love the actress Hailee Steinfeld, so that is also partly why I wanted to go see the movie (she was in a coming-of-age movie I really love called The Edge of Seventeen, where she plays Nadine, a clinically depressed teen who hates high school and loses her best friend when her friend starts dating Nadine’s brother. I have seen it three times and it still touches me each time.) One thing I really loved (and that made me want to get up and dance) was the movie’s film score, produced by Ludwig Goransson, who produced the film score for the Black Panther movies. I bobbed my head, I sang along, and I swayed to each blues song that the character, Sammie “Preacher Boy”, played on his guitar. I didn’t grow up listening to blues that much, to be honest, but as I have gotten older, I have developed more appreciation for the blues, especially after watching the movie Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. I have started getting into B.B. King and Muddy Waters lately. A famous blues musician makes a cameo at some point in Sinners, and as he strummed, played and belted out the blues, I felt as if the musician was pulling out the pain from my soul and casting a spell on me, because I was practically dancing in my recliner seat to the blues music. The movie shows how powerful blues is in the tradition of African American music. The movie takes place during the 1930s in the Jim Crow South, and music is a key avenue for the Black community in the film to express their pain, their joy and other human emotions. Music feeds the soul, and as I was watching the people dance in the juke joint, I felt like these people in the movie were feeding my soul through their powerful performances of the blues.

Honestly, the last vampire movie I saw was Twilight, so I really wasn’t prepared for how terrifying those vampires in Sinners were actually going to be. Unlike Edward Cullen, the vampires in Sinners don’t sparkle. They look terrifying, and I know a lot of you reading this are probably rolling your eyes, like If you are going to be scared of vampires, then why the heck did you even go see this movie?!? As someone who doesn’t watch a lot of movies with blood, I was surprised that I was able to sit through the entire movie without closing my eyes when I saw the characters bleeding and baring their vampire teeth and sucking the life out of the human characters and turning them into vampires. The blood gushing out of people’s bodies was intense, but I think what helped me get through the gross bloody scenes was reminding myself that at the end of each day, Hailee Steinfeld, Michael B. Jordan, Omar Miller and the rest of the Sinners cast are not real vampires. They are human beings who are doing their job as actors to make us feel all the fear and other emotions that come from watching a suspenseful movie like Sinners. And no one is actually dripping blood or having graphic wounds. It is prosthetics. Doesn’t make it any less scary, but it was a great thing to try and tell myself while getting through Sinners. Also, mad props to the makeup and special effects team on this movie.

Movie Review: Amy

Content warning: the film depicts addiction and mental illness, and I also share some of my own personal accounts of dealing with mental illness, so please take care while reading. If you need help, I recommend calling the 988 Suicide Hotline.

A few weeks ago, I watched a documentary called Amy, which is about the life of the late singer Amy Winehouse, who died in 2011 from alcohol poisoning. I had been meaning to see this documentary for the longest time because I absolutely LOVE Amy Winehouse’s music. When I was in eighth grade, I was exploring new music, which is a favorite hobby of mine, and I found Yahoo Music had different music stations with various genres of music. One of the stations was called Coffeehouse music, and it featured artists I had never heard of, such as Sia and Amy Winehouse. Up until that point, the musician I was the biggest fan of was KT Tunstall. In seventh grade, I spent hours on YouTube watching her music videos and listening to her songs on my iPod. I am pretty sure I downloaded the entire Eye to the Telescope album on my iPod, because I remember pretty much all the songs on that album years later. When I heard Sia’s “Soon We’ll Be Found” and watched the accompanying music video, her voice blew me away and the music video was so colorful and beautiful. Then after that, a new music video played for a song called “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse. I had never heard of Amy Winehouse until I listened to “Rehab,” and after that, I fell in love. Deep, deep, jazz and R n B love. Amy had a beautiful voice that could just take you back in time to jazz and soul legends like Billie Holliday and Aretha Franklin. In fact, I learned about the late musician Donny Hathaway from listening to a cover that Amy did of “A Song for You.” And then after that, I listened to the original version of “A Song for You” by the late Leon Russell. To be honest, I didn’t grow up listening to Leon Russell even though he goes down in the music history books as a legend, so I wasn’t super familiar with a lot of his work. I am listening to the original as I write this blog post, and it is very beautiful. The song has been covered so many times, and each musician’s performance of the song is unique. I haven’t listened to all of the covers of Leon Russell’s song, but I am sure they are amazing.

Anyway, back to talking about Amy Winehouse. When I was in high school, I remember over the summer hearing about her death at 27, and I grieved and grieved. Even though I read about her struggles with drinking and drugs in the tabloids, I still loved her music and tried not to focus too much on the gossip around her personal life. I remember on July 23, 2011, I was just chilling out at home, and then my mom came in my room and asked, “Hey, do you know about a singer named Amy Winehouse?”

“Yeah!” I exclaimed.

“She passed away,” she told me.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. My mom showed me the news article announcing her death at 27, and I started bawling my eyes out. My mom had to comfort me and hug me as I wept and wept because she had died so young and also was struggling with so much in her personal life. After watching the documentary, I honestly wished she was still alive so that I could thank her for making music that helped me get through all sorts of tough times while coming of age as a young woman.

Fast forward to last year, when I was browsing YouTube on my computer at work, and the ad they showed before was a trailer for an upcoming biopic about Amy Winehouse. It looked epic, and I was so thrilled to see it. But then I thought, Wait a minute, maybe I should watch the documentary first (the documentary came out in 2015 when I was in college) Apparently the biopic bombed, and critics hated it, so I ended up not watching it. I might watch it, but also, I am aware that I am neither a film critic nor a close friend of Amy Winehouse, so I have no idea whether the movie stays true to her life story or not. But I could honestly watch the documentary Amy again. Because it’s real raw footage of Amy Winehouse and real friends and people who worked with her shared their experiences and how she was as a person. I loved the movie from the beginning because they show Amy when she was younger, hanging out with her friends and just being so down-to-earth. The version of Amy Winehouse I often saw in the tabloids focused on her relationships and her issues with addiction, but seeing the documentary reminded me that before celebrities are famous, they are actual human beings with actual stories to tell. I saw a more wholesome portrayal of Amy by watching the documentary. I have stopped reading the tabloids, but from the brief period I spent in middle school perusing the Us Weekly and People magazine issues that came to our house, I think that tabloids tend to sensationalize people’s personal lives and can often include things that are based on hearsay and not actual facts. I may have offended people who read tabloids, but this is just my personal experience from reading these kinds of magazines. They tended to focus on Amy Winehouse as this out-of-control drug addict with a drinking problem who had spats with her fellow British contemporary Lily Allen and engaged in reckless behavior.

Of course, the movie definitely doesn’t shy away from her struggles with mental health, because she really did struggle with bulimia and alcohol and drug addiction and she openly discusses her struggles in “Rehab” and other songs. But the movie also shows her in this very authentic way, like she was an actual human being who just wanted to make music and live a normal life. was this incredibly talented jazz artist who had excellent taste in music and also wanted people to respect her privacy. It was really painful to watch the footage of her having to walk through a sea of paparazzi swarming her and asking questions about her personal life and taking photos of her. Amy says quite a few times through the movie that she doesn’t care about fame and just wants to make great music. The footage where the paparazzi are swarming her reminded me of Princess Diana, who died in a car crash in 1997. I was too young to remember that traumatic event, to be honest, but I watched this TV show called The Crown, which depicts the life of Queen Elizabeth II, and even though it’s a biographical drama, it is based on real events that happened in the lives of the royal family. In season 5, Diana (played by Elizabeth Debicki) went on the record and did a public interview with Martin Bashir, a journalist, and gave him a very honest account of how poorly the royal family treated her and Charles having an affair with another woman while him and Diana were married. In the episode where she does the interview, Prince Philip threatens to blackmail her, but after enduring so much emotional and psychological abuse from the family, she isn’t taking their crap anymore and her and Charles get a divorce. Even after she gets divorced, though, the press still invades her private life, and the royal family still treats her as a target for nasty gossip. She ends up meeting a young man named Dodi Fayed, an Egyptian film producer who is the son of a wealthy billionaire named Mohamed Al-Fayed, and Diana and Dodi fall in love. Honestly, the last season of the show was so hard to watch because I knew that they were going to show the events leading up to the car crash that killed both Diana and Dodi. The two of them just wanted privacy and just wanted to enjoy their time together, but because Diana was such a public figure, she wasn’t able to live the private life that she wanted. The paparazzi swarmed them, and in an attempt to escape from the paparazzi, the driver, who apparently was drunk, lost control of the vehicle and crashed. Honestly, after watching this episode, I still could not wrap my head around how a bunch of paparazzi were so desperate to invade this woman’s private life that they were willing to jeopardize her life to the point where she got into a fatal accident. Of course, as I read the Wikipedia article, I realized that there were other factors that went into the crash, but I won’t get into every detail about the crash because honestly, reading about it made me even sadder. Watching The Crown made me kind of wish that I had met Diana, because she just seemed like a very down-to-earth person who loved helping people and donating to charities.

Like Diana, Amy didn’t want her life to be publicized for the press. She wanted to live a normal life, but after “Rehab” blew up the public started expecting her to perform the same song over and over again, and so she felt constricted and pigeonholed. After Amy’s death, I began to explore her other music and came across a beautiful gem of an album called Frank, which was released in 2003. I swear, I have listened to this album more times than I can remember because the songs are THAT good. Even though Amy was known as a popular singer, the documentary shows that she really wanted to be known for her contributions to jazz. She considered herself a jazz singer and wanted to be like the jazz greats, and one of my favorite scenes of the documentary is when Amy sings with the late legend (and one of her biggest idols) Tony Bennett. Amy is recording in the studio with him, but she gets really nervous about messing up and making mistakes. She gets frustrated at first and tells Tony that they should end the session, saying that she doesn’t want to waste his time. But Tony is patient and understanding, and he works with her through the music, and they practice it until she feels comfortable enough to record it with him. After the recording session, they hug, and they later show Tony reflecting on his time recording with Amy Winehouse after her passing. Tony says that Amy had this very raw voice, and I couldn’t agree more. Honestly, at a time when I was still growing and dealing with my own insecurities as a teenager, Amy’s music was a source of comfort, and even in my 30s her music is still a source of comfort for me. Even at such a young age, she seemed like an old soul who didn’t care about mainstream trends even after her album Back to Black was on the pop charts.

The Amy documentary also showed the very real and raw struggle of mental illness and addiction. Amy struggled with an eating disorder called bulimia nervosa, and during her relationship with her ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil she struggled with drug addiction. Her friends and the team who worked with her on her albums made several efforts to encourage her to get professional help, but what the documentary showed me is that recovery from addiction is a serious long battle and everyone has their own personal journey with addiction. As someone who never dealt with addiction, I don’t know how long recovery takes, but I can imagine that it is a very difficult journey, from what I can understand after talking with friends and acquaintances who have dealt with addiction. The recovery process also probably takes a lot of patience and compassion from the loved ones of those dealing with addiction. It can be painful to see someone you love dealing with addiction, because like any mental illness, it can be a pain to go through and impacts not just your relationship with yourself but also your relationships with the people around you. I remember when dealing with major depressive disorder how I often felt worthless and dealt with thoughts of hurting myself and not wanting to be alive, and it obviously scared my parents shitless because the last thing you want to hear your daughter say over and over again is, “I’m tired of living. I want to go kill myself.” It’s taken years of professional help for me to get to where I am now, and trust me when I say this, seeking professional help is never a sign of weakness. Therapy is expensive, and because I’m not a doctor I can’t diagnose people or tell them they need to get therapy and/ or medication, because not everyone has a good experience with medication and/or therapy. All this to say, that if you need to seek professional help (or at least find a friend or loved one who you trust) that is perfectly ok.

Also, just a side fact, I think Amy Winehouse chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I know I just spent this entire blog post bashing the tabloids, but I read in some new articles that she had encountered Nichiren Buddhism. They don’t mention it in the documentary, but I remember reading a story about how one of Amy’s band members told her about chanting and that she chanted and it made her feel at peace with herself. Honestly, that really encouraged me because for me, I’ve definitely found that chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo has kept me grounded even when dealing with depression and anxiety. Even if I don’t have the energy to chant hours a day, I still wake up and recite my morning and evening gongyo, which is where we recite the 2nd and 16th chapters of a Buddhist teaching called The Lotus Sutra. Of course, you still go through struggles like any human being even after chanting, but chanting has helped me gradually become a stronger person and develop more confidence in myself. This wasn’t an easy process at all, and I spent a lot of my teens and 20s battling depression and low self-esteem, but through it all, I kept chanting morning and evening, and it helped me come back to my original self, my identity as a Buddha, someone with inherent wisdom, courage, compassion and life force.

Book Review: She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb

Content warning: I share some personal stories about self-harm and mental illness. If you need professional help, call the 988 hotline for crisis support.

Yesterday, I finished a novel called She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It came out in 1992, and I had wanted to read it at some point because it was an Oprah’s Book Club pick, but I was too young to read it. I finally decided to pick it up because I had always been curious about Wally Lamb’s books and had not made the time to read them before. I am glad I finally got around to reading the book because I was dealing with my crush rejecting me and panic attacks, and I didn’t know how to deal. I have struggled with self-hatred for much of my life, and I have found that reading has always brought me comfort whenever I deal with any negative feelings or tough experiences. So, I went to my local library and found a copy of She’s Come Undone, ready for me to bring it home and read. Honestly, I don’t know if I have ever met anyone like Dolores Price. She is sarcastic, fierce, and resilient, and honestly, I felt as if I had made a new (fictional) friend.

The novel takes place in 1956, in Rhode Island, and Dolores Price’s family gets a television set. The TV serves as a form of escapism for young Dolores as she deals with a tumultuous childhood. Her father is having an affair with a woman he works for, Mrs. Masicotte, and Dolores’ mom, Bernice, is pregnant with her second child. Dolores is excited to have a baby brother, but during the birth, the baby gets strangled with the umbilical cord when emerging from Bernice’s womb and dies, leaving Bernice and her husband grieving. Dolores’s dad leaves Bernice and Dolores for Mrs. Masicotte, and Bernice falls into a deep depression. Dolores’s grandmother lives with Dolores and her mom and is very conservative and religious, shaming Dolores and her mom for their lifestyle. Dolores starts eating a lot of junk food and continues to stay in and watch TV while her mother smokes and doesn’t take care of herself. Dolores gains weight and becomes the target of vicious bullying at school. A new 20-something couple, Rita and Jack Speight, move in with Dolores and her mom in the same housing complex, and at first, they hit it off well. Jack comes off as attractive and charming, and Dolores finds him attractive, too, but then he starts coercing Dolores to ride in his car and touches her inappropriately. One evening, when Dolores is just thirteen years old, Jack leads her into a dark alley and rapes her. The trauma Dolores suffers at the hands of Jack continues to follow her well into her adulthood, and she continues to gain weight and eat as a coping mechanism for dealing with her trauma. She gains weight and everyone stares at her. Her only friends are Roberta, who works at a tattoo parlor and has the same sarcastic humor as Dolores, and Mr. Pucci, her guidance counselor from school. Mr. Pucci encourages Dolores to go to college, but Dolores refuses because she doesn’t think she has a future going to college. Mr. Pucci tells her and her mom, Bernice, that if Dolores doesn’t go to college, she will regret it. After a lot of arguments with her mom and grandmother about not wanting to go to college, Dolores applies to college. She gets rejected by school after school but finally gets admitted to Merton College in Wayland, Pennsylvania. However, Dolores and her mom have an argument one evening and Dolores refuses to go to college, much to her mom’s disappointment. Bernice, tired, goes off to work at the toll booth, and is killed in an accident. Even though she is reluctant to go to college, Dolores does so because she knew her mother would want her to go.

She goes off to college and meets her roommate, Kippy, who doesn’t like her because she is overweight. Before going to college, Dolores lies about her identity in her letters to Kippy because she doesn’t want Kippy to know about that she is overweight, that her mom is dead and that she was raped at 13. Dolores wants to present Kippy with this perfect image of her and lies about having a boyfriend and a stable family, but it backfires when Kippy meets Dolores in person. Kippy feels that Dolores lied to her and they already start off their rooming relationship on rough footing. There is one other person in the college dormitory who is overweight and an outcast like Dolores, and that is Dottie. Dottie, who is a lesbian, falls in love with Dolores and sleeps with her, and Dolores feels ashamed to be around Dottie because she wants to fit in with the thin girls in the dormitory. The other girls gossip about Dottie, and Dottie tells Dolores to not get involved with the girls, especially because Kippy makes a really hurtful comment out of earshot that she would have killed herself if she had been overweight like Dolores. Kippy takes advantage of Dolores, making Dolores her personal servant, having her grab sodas and food for her and making her do all her errands. Dolores seeks solace in the letters that Kippy’s boyfriend, Dante, sends her, and steals the letters from Kippy because she doesn’t think Kippy deserves someone as handsome and charming as Dante. Still grappling with the traumatic death of her mom, Dolores feels like she has no one to turn to, and she ends up leaving Dottie’s house after a one-night stand and poisoning the fish in Dottie’s fish tank with chemicals. She hitches a ride from a West Indian immigrant who lives in the same neighborhood as Dottie, and they drive to the Tri-State area. The driver, Domingos, tells her about a bunch of beached whales on a local beach, and drives Dolores over to see them. The first time she hears the whales crying, she is overwhelmed and yells at Domingos to get her away from the beach and to go back to driving her to where she needs to be.

In part two, Dolores ends up in a mental health institution after her grandmother has been trying to locate her. Dolores sees a therapist, and he tries to get her to open up about her trauma, but Dolores is reluctant to do so. After several sessions, the therapist has Dolores swim in the pool and has her recall all of the painful memories from her childhood, namely Jack raping her at 13 and her mom dying in an accident. Even though the therapist thinks he is helping, Dolores tells him that she is better and wants to discontinue therapy, even after the therapist pleads for her to not go because he doesn’t think she has finished the inner work she needs to do to recover from her trauma. Dolores later ends up tracking down Dante, her college roommate’s ex-boyfriend, and they begin to live with each other. At first, Dante seems charming, and Dolores thinks that he will love her as long as she hides her past from him (her being overweight, the sexual assault, her mom’s death, etc.) However, Dante becomes more controlling and abusive, and Dolores sees that he is not as charming as his letters to Kippy in college made him out to be. One evening, Dante asks Dolores if she is on birth control before they have sex, and Dolores lies and says that she is. However, her life changes when she becomes pregnant. Dolores is hesitant about getting an abortion, but Dante forces her to do so, and Dolores ends up going through the abortion and mourning the loss of her unborn daughter, Vita Marie. This reminded me of the movie Waves because in the movie, there is a teenage couple named Tyler and Alexis who are at the center of the film, and they have unprotected sex, and Alexis ends up pregnant with Tyler’s baby. Tyler tries to calm her down and they go to an abortion clinic. On the way home, Alexis cries and tells Tyler that she doesn’t think she can go through with the abortion. Tyler gets angry at her for changing her mind and wanting to keep the baby, and shouts insults at her, even when she tells him that it’s her body and she can make her own decision about whether she wants to keep the baby or not. In She’s Come Undone, when Dolores aborts her unborn baby, she feels a lot of grief and shame, but Dante doesn’t really care about her feelings. Dante loses his job as a teacher after he sleeps with a high school student, and he starts becoming more sedentary and spends his days locked in his room brainstorming half-assed poems. Dolores realizes that her marriage to Dante is extremely codependent, and she felt she had to hide her authentic self from him so that he wouldn’t leave her. Thankfully, Dolores’s old friend, Roberta, comes by and they spend time together. I love the part when Dante tells Roberta and Dolores to keep it down while he is upstairs meditating about poems, and Roberta bluntly tells him from downstairs that he needs to lighten up and that life is too short to act so serious all the time. Later on, Dolores confronts Dante at a fast-food restaurant about his erratic behavior and confesses about her past sexual trauma and the abuse she suffered growing up. She also tells Dante how much of a hypocrite he is because she went vegetarian because he was vegetarian, but now he has stopped being vegetarian and is eating meat again. She tells him how hurt she is that he slept with other women, many of them his high school female students, and that she used to be overweight. Dante doesn’t want to hear any of it because he wants to continue to control Dolores’s life, but finally he angrily lashes out at her and punches the restaurant manager and leaves the restaurant. Dolores finally wins her freedom from Dante after the divorce and spends her time with Roberta, who helps her learn how to live as a newly independent single woman.

Also, when I thought about this book, I thought about this memoir that I had read last year called I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, who was a child actor in a show called iCarly. To be honest, I never saw iCarly because I stopped watching a lot of TV around the time that it came out on Nickelodeon, but by the end of reading her memoir, I just wanted to give Jennette a huge hug because I was crying throughout the book. In the book, Jennette describes the traumatic abuse she suffered at the hands of her perfectionist mother, Debra McCurdy, who died of cancer in 2013 when Jennette was 21. Honestly, the emotional and psychological abuse that Jennette’s mother put her through was painful to read about, and by the time I got to the scene when Jennette is recovering from bulimia, I wept because I just could not imagine the pain this young woman went through. Jennette’s book showed me that grief is complicated, and that recovery from abuse is a long journey. There is one part of the book where Jennette falls in love with a guy, and she thinks that he is the perfect partner. He tells her to get professional help when he finds vomit stains on their toilet and finds out that Jennette has been struggling with bulimia. Jennette goes through a long period of recovery and reading about how she recovered from years of anorexia and bulimia made me have mad respect for anyone who has had to go through an eating disorder and go through recovery, because recovering from any psychological disorder, be it depression, schizophrenia, or any eating disorder, is far from easy. I remember when I was trying to stop cutting myself in college, and it was very hard. Unfortunately, the therapist I was seeing at the time was not helpful and didn’t take my problem with cutting seriously, so I felt I had no one to turn to. When my parents found out I was harming myself when I got back from college, I felt ashamed. I even went back during my spring semester that year wearing a lot of long-sleeved shirts because I didn’t want people to see that I had harmed myself. There have been many ups and downs with me trying to stop harming myself well after college, and there have been a few times just these past few weeks where I had to reach out to the Suicide Hotline for help because I was just in a very dark place. But I am getting better and taking antidepressants, exercising, re-engaging with my hobbies and trying to practice more self-love through my Buddhist practice.

Movie Post: Mickey 17, My Weird Obsession with Dark Comedy, and Other Tangents

On Monday this week, I decided to go see Mickey 17. I saw the trailer for the movie when I went to the movie theater to see another movie called A Real Pain, and I absolutely loved the trailer for Mickey 17. I thought it was original and unique, and I remember seeing Bong Joon-Ho’s other movie, Parasite, a few years ago and it was really intriguing. I also really love Robert Pattinson, so I was pretty excited to see the film. I know that he has done so much more in his acting career since his days as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and as Edward Cullen in the Twilight franchise, and for the past few years I have seen him in more intense, independent films. A few years ago, I saw a movie directed by Benny and Josh Safdie called Good Time, and it’s a crime thriller movie. It was pretty dark, but I watched it because I enjoy movies distributed by this movie company called A24. They have a lot of interesting cool films, and even though I won’t get to see all of them, like X and other horror movies that A24 has distributed (I don’t like scary movies), I have enjoyed many of their films since I saw Moonlight. In Good Time, Robert Pattinson plays Connie, a young man living in New York City who tries to rob a bank and also looks out for his brother, Nick, who has a developmental disability. It was a total contrast from the Robert Pattinson I saw in Twilight and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and I think that Good Time catered to a different audience. When he was in these two movies, a lot of the audience members were teen girls, like me, who really loved the Twilight book series by Stephenie Meyer and a lot of people in my peer group loved Cedric Diggory. I’m sure there are still young women who love his current movies, and I am glad he got to star in those movies, but I’m also glad that he gets to find other projects that he wants to explore and roles that different from what he has played in the past. The last movie I saw him in was The Lighthouse, which is another film from A24, and in the movie Robert Pattinson and a legendary actor named Willem Dafoe play two lighthouse keepers who are stranded on a remote island off the coast in New England. The film takes place in the 19th century, and to give it its olden ancient feel, they shot the film in black and white. Honestly, I don’t remember any specific details that stuck out to me about the movie. All I remember is that it gave me chills, and I probably should have watched it with subtitles because the dialogue is old New England dialect, and I had a hard time understanding what the characters were saying. I don’t know if I can watch it again, though. It’s pretty unsettling and left me with goosebumps.

I think what got me more interested in learning about Robert Pattinson’s acting is an interview that he did with the incredibly talented actress, musician and producer Jennifer Lopez (she will always be “Jenny on the Block” for me. I love ya, girl). The interview is so authentic and so lovely to watch. Just seeing two people talk passionately about film and praising each other’s movies was so heartwarming and so delightful. I have always seen Robert Pattinson as this dark, serious person when he was playing Edward Cullen, or being a heartthrob as Cedric Diggory, but honestly, I loved watching him just nerd out with Jennifer Lopez about the work they do as actors. Actually, the entire Actors on Actors series is very wholesome to watch. I haven’t seen all of the interviews, but I have seen a few of them. There is one with Emma Stone and Timothee Chalamet, another with Kristen Stewart and Shia LaBeouf, and another with Daniel Kaluuya and Timothee Chalamet. I want to see the rest of the series on YouTube because I don’t know much about the business of being an actor in Hollywood, so it was really cool to hear the different acting methods and processes that these famous actors go through to prepare for their roles.

But I want to segue into my experience going to the theater to see Mickey 17. I got off work at 4 pm, and there was a showing at my local movie theater at 5 pm. Perfect timing! I asked my mom if I could borrow her car, and she was fine with it. I drove up to the movie theater, excited to see another movie. I felt once again like I was that 8-year-old kid getting excited to go to the movies. I pulled up, and I got there at 5:05 because I was running late. I rushed over to the ticket counter and purchased a ticket for the 5:00 pm showing of Mickey 17. I paid my $11.10 in cash (it was a matinee showing), got my ticket and walked into the theater. I felt like I was in paradise. I went to the person at the front desk near the concessions and showed him my ticket. I needed help finding House 11 on my ticket. The person told me where House 11 was. I thanked him and fast-walked towards House 11. I was worried I was going to miss the beginning. I walked past a large ominous poster for The Monkey, a horror film directed by Oz Perkins. It freaked me out, but I kept walking.

When I reached House 11, I opened the door. It turns out that I wasn’t late after all, and they still had ten more minutes of graphic violent bloody red-band previews to go. I told myself to not turn around as I heard squelching noises from the large movie theater screen. It was the red-band trailer for Novocaine, an action film. I thought about going back outside because I am sensitive to movies with violence and gore, and the sound was pretty loud. But I didn’t know if, when I waited outside, the movie was going to start without me, so I closed my eyes during the previews. There were only a few people in the movie theater seeing Mickey 17, which was kind of nice because I am still trying to be cautious about COVID-19 since I live with my parents and don’t want to get them (or myself) sick (although I haven’t been very good at masking all the time, to be honest.) So, I had the entire row G to myself. I put in my foam earplugs because the noise from the previews was pretty loud, and I have sensitive ears. They played another trailer for The Woman in the Yard, which is a horror film. After that preview, my heart kept racing, and I thought I was going to get a panic attack. I violated a huge movie theater rule, which is to not use my phone during the movie. Because I didn’t have the common sense to just walk out during the ten minutes of violent scary previews and just stay there until it was safe to walk back in, I opened my World Tribune app and read some faith experiences about members who used Nichiren Buddhism to overcome various challenges. But I couldn’t focus because my anxiety was at such a high level, and it was screaming at me to get my butt out of my recliner chair and go into the bathroom to recollect myself instead of thinking I just had to sit and close my eyes through the trailers and that would be enough. Even though I had my earplugs in, just hearing the screaming and the jump scares from these trailers set me on edge and almost made me cry and freak out right there in Row G. After quivering and closing my eyes through a trailer for a scary movie based on a Play Station horror video game, I opened my eyes when the trailer ended. The movie had started at last, and so I finally got out my skein of acrylic yellow yarn and size 8 needles and started knitting in the comfort of my recliner chair.

The movie opens with a young man named Mickey Barnes (played by Robert Pattison) lying down in an icy cavern. His friend, Timo (Steven Yeun), finds him down there and asks him what it’s like to die, and after he disappears, a bunch of aliens (called “creepers”) surround Mickey’s body and try to get him out of the ice. Mickey begins to narrate how he and Timo left Earth and ended up on the planet Niflheim. The movie takes place in the distant future, and Timo and Mickey are unable to repay a loan they owe to someone and as punishment they have to watch a man get his legs amputated with a chainsaw (I don’t remember if they showed it or not because I was closing my eyes during this scene). Mickey and Timo sign up to be crew members on a spaceship that takes them to a planet called Niflheim, which they seek to colonize. Even though Mickey tells the person at the desk that he read through the paperwork before knowing what he was getting himself into by signing up as an “Expendable,” it turns out that he lied and didn’t read the paperwork before signing up. He ends up taking a job where he becomes literally disposable and dies multiple times and is cloned over and over again for research purposes, so there are multiple clones of Mickey throughout the film. Even though Mickey’s job is thankless and bleak, he falls in love with Nasha, a beautiful crew member on the ship, and they have sex frequently and become a couple. Everyone else on the ship makes fun of Mickey for being an “Expendable,” but Nasha always sticks with Mickey and provides him a source of love and companionship that is missing from his daily job. Mickey 17 and 18 are the clones who end up surviving, and they have to find a way to stop Kenneth Marshall, who is a corrupt politician, from killing Mickey. Kenneth and his wife, Ylfa, aren’t only plotting against Mickey, but they also want to kill off the original inhabitants of the planet Niflheim, the “creepers,” and Nasha and Mickey have to find a way to stop Ylfa and Kenneth from forcing Mickey to carry out the plan to annihilate the creepers with poisonous gas.

I am still processing the movie, so I can’t give an explicit synopsis, but I will say that this film is pretty brilliant, even though it is goofy and outlandish at times. I tend to gravitate towards black comedies for some reason. I don’t know why, but one of the reasons that I saw Mickey 17 is because it is a black comedy. I had to look up more about the elements of black comedy to understand it more, and according to Brittanica, black humor “juxtaposes morbid or ghastly elements with comical ones that underscore the senselessness or futility of life. Black humour often uses farce and low comedy to make clear that individuals are helpless victims of fate and character.” I think my earliest memory of reading something that had dark humor in it was when I checked out a book at the library called The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy, which is a poetry collection by Tim Burton. In the book, the young characters in the book go through horrible ordeals, such as Oyster Boy, whose dad eats him so that he can boost his sex drive, or a kid named James who gets mauled by a bear. Don’t forget the Mummy Boy who kids mistake for being a pinata and bust open. As a ten-year-old, the adult themes of these poems went completely over my head, but somehow the characters resonated with me, probably because they, like me, were outcasts. I also think I just liked the book for the illustrations because I found them to be unique and interesting. I’m pretty sure I checked out The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy several times because to this day, I still have those grim illustrations stuck in my psyche. I reflected on it as an adult, and I thought, Wait….why are these poems so depressing? Also, I read some of those poems on PDF as a 30-year-old and realized, Oh, wow….wow, that was an adult joke or wow, wait, they were talking about sex in that poem?!? How did I not realize this when checking this out from the library?!? And then I looked online for more background about the book, and it said the poems are full of black humor, and it made sense why they kept this book in the adult section of the library rather than the children’s or young adult section of the library. It’s not every day you see an eight-year-old kid reading a poetry book about a bivalve whose dad eats him to increase his sex drive. But honestly, I have no regrets because I really loved reading those poems, even if they were bleak and sad. Maybe the loneliness of the characters spoke to me somehow. I was a pretty introspective quiet kid back in the day (I still am, even though I have discovered that I can also be outgoing at times) and was often lonely and didn’t have lots of friends to play with on the playground because I was weird and picked my nose and cried a lot. Books were great friends to me during that time, and so I guess I felt some sort of empathy for the characters in The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy that made me want to read the poems over and over again. As I got older, I started to watch more movies in the dark comedy genre, such as Birdman and The Lobster. I really loved The Lobster. It was one of my favorites, but it is a really sad movie. It’s about a dystopian society where people have to find a romantic partner in 45 days or else they will be turned into an animal of their choice. The characters have to deal with these harsh restrictions, but they show little to no emotion, which I guess is why this movie is a black comedy. It’s pretty wild to think that we could live in a society where singles face such absurd discrimination and turn into non-human animals if they don’t find a companion. But the film does present a social commentary about the stigma that still surrounds being single. Even though more people are open to saying they are single or want to take care of themselves after a breakup or wait until dating again, there is still that pressure sometimes to find a romantic partner to spend your life with. I am inundated with Bumble ads, images of happy friends at their weddings and engagement parties on social media, and sure, I want to be happy for those people, but sometimes advertising has a way of making you feel that you’re missing out if you’re not doing a certain thing just because everyone else is. It’s why I had to delete my Facebook after a while, because I found myself comparing my life with my peers who were engaged, married and had kids and not being happy for them. I have thought at times about getting married one day or having kids, and obviously there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that I am still unsure at this point in my life if that is what I truly want, and even just having the chance to think about it is something I need to appreciate. I might change my mind one day and want to have kids and get married, but right now, I’m still figuring my life out and trying to take care of myself, so I appreciate that I have the space to do that. Watching The Lobster was uncomfortable at times, because the society had very little regard for the single people and expressed a cold unfeeling attitude towards them. The humor is really offbeat and deadpan, not normally the kind of humor I watch on a regular basis. But as I watched more of Yorgos Lanthimos’s movies, I came to understand he uses a very offbeat style of humor in his movies, like in The Favourite and Poor Things. I haven’t seen his recent movie Kinds of Kindness yet, but I’m pretty sure that is a pretty dark film, too.

I guess the movie Mickey 17 is a dark comedy because it grapples with the uncomfortable topic of death and dying. In real life, once someone dies, you can’t clone them. Their physical form is no longer there. But because the movie is science fiction, Mickey gets a new chance to die, not a chance to live, every time scientists on the ship clone him for research. It’s pretty bleak and messed up if you think about it. He has to die multiple times so that these researchers can do experiments on him. He can’t live a normal life. He has to live a meaningless existence where his entire purpose in life is to die and be cloned, die and be cloned and repeat. Honestly, I found it hard to watch the scene where they kill that one baby creeper. I know they are weird-looking creatures, but for some reason, I think after realizing that the creepers were trying to help Mickey, not kill him, I started to have more empathy for the creepers, especially the baby creepers. They were big and scary to watch, but I didn’t get any horrible nightmares or wake up screaming in the middle of the night after watching the movie. I did have to close my eyes during the scene where Kenneth Marshall and his wife, Ylfa, invite Mickey to dinner and serve him this unpasteurized meat, which he devours. I closed my eyes because I have an irrational fear of vomit scenes in movies, and Mickey vomits after eating the unpasteurized meat. It is a pretty long scene, and I chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo under my breath to calm myself down because vomit scenes actually make me have panic attack symptoms. Thankfully, I didn’t miss anything super huge by closing my eyes during the scene. I am glad I read Does the Dog Die before watching the movie to see if there were any vomit scenes in it.

I think my favorite scenes where when Nasha and Mickey were making love. For some reason, I found these two characters making love with each other to be incredibly hot and sexy. I haven’t seen the actress Naomi Ackie in a ton of stuff, but I saw Steven Yeun, who plays Timo, in a few movies like Sorry to Bother You, Minari and The Humans. I really love Mark Ruffalo, and he played a very convincing Kenneth Marshall. Even though Bong Joon-Ho, the director, said that Kenneth Marshall wasn’t based specifically on Trump, but on authoritarian leaders throughout history in general, Kenneth’s way of talking and mannerisms were very similar to Donald Trump’s, and at the rally on the planet Niflheim, there are pro-Kenneth Marshall supporters who wear red baseball hats similar to the MAGA hats that pro-Trump supporters were. I found it hard to watch the scene where Nasha has to save the baby creeper, which is hung on a hook and about to be killed.