Yes. I love having time to do things. I even just appreciate that I got to get some exercise in, because I’m trying to take better care of my health. I don’t want to take time for granted anymore, because everything is so fast paced and it’s easy for me to be impatient. This impatience has shown up in so many areas of my life, especially when it comes to making big decisions like whether I should get married and have children or start dating. I was really impatient to get married, and when I didn’t achieve that milestone, I thought something was wrong with me. But I’m honestly glad I have this time to myself to be single because I am getting to know more about who I am and what I want most in life. I tend to want to read books really fast, but now I want myself to appreciate slowing down and reading a book. When I check my phone, I’m always so impatient for people to text me back and when I’m dealing with uncomfortable experiences such as uncertainty and loneliness and anxiety, I tend to self-soothe by picking up my phone and doing random Internet searches, like “am I asexual quiz” or “is there something wrong with me?” or “why does so-and-so hate me?” and scrolling through my YouTube feed, through long videos I want to watch but don’t have the attention-span for. That’s why I’m trying to read a book before bed instead of looking at my phone. It is really tempting for me to go to sleep to ASMR videos, but I think for some reason, I’ve noticed when I check my phone, I tend to get more anxious and start to worry, “Did so-and-so text me back yet?” or “Did Sally (I’m going to put in a fake name for a hypothetical person instead of so-and-so because the latter sounds really vague) think that GIF I sent about Hump Day was funny enough? Should I send a follow-up GIF?” (Side note: I really stink at sending GIFs, so my messages often can come off as robotic and unemotional. I have a phone, and yet I am really bad with texting lingo.) When I read a book, it forces my brain to process information, to think, to understand another perspective that is different from my own, and to get in touch with myself by providing me with that space for self-reflection. I am still chugging through Bleak House by Charles Dickens, and because I’m so used to checking my phone now, I start to get antsy after a few paragraphs. But I also need to realize that I’m not going to perfectly understand everything Dickens is saying right from the get-go. A lot of times I will tell myself, I’d better enjoy this alone time before I get married and have kids, but I’m even wondering if I’m wanting to get married and have kids because all of my friends seem so happy on the outside because they are married with kids. Even if I wind up in a romantic relationship with someone, I still want to pursue my hobbies and interests and still be independent. Maybe this time is great for me because I need space to think about what I really want out of life instead of only thinking about what I should do. When I delve into the world of Dickens’s 19th century London, I encounter characters who are going through far-worse shit than I am. These people are going through poverty, illness and several other problems, while I am out here whining about work and not fitting in with others. My problems seem so petty compared to what the characters in the books I read go through. I really love fiction because I can delve into another person’s world and travel to places without paying for a plane ticket or having to plan for a trip. I do want to travel the world someday, but I am glad for now that I have books to give me that space to escape. I can travel to 19th century London, I can travel on many adventures in America with a British woman who has a shopping addiction (thank you, Sophie Kinsella) and I can travel to a reclusive cabin in 19th century Massachusetts and have a dialogue with Emily Dickinson about life and death through reading her poems.
I’m glad I also had this time to think about what career I wanted to pursue. I still love playing music, but my reasons for continuing it are different because my dreams aren’t as ego-driven as they once were in my early 20s. I wanted to get a prestigious music opportunity to boost my ego, not because I genuinely cared about music, and I remember complaining whenever I had to go to my day jobs, thinking, “Ugh, this isn’t my career! Why am I at this job paying off my student loans?!? I could be playing Don Juan with a top orchestra right now?” But looking back, that ego-driven mindset was the very reason I needed to get a swift kick in the booty from Life to teach me how to be humbler and not think that being a classical cellist made me better than a barista serving venti vanilla sweet cream cold brews at their local Starbucks (I had a really nice customer with that order, and she had it a very specific way. She taught me the value of patience, that’s for darn sure.) Also, I fucking paid off my student loans, which is a pretty huge accomplishment. Even though I didn’t get to play with the professional orchestras, I needed to gain some sort of work experience after college, because 1. I couldn’t afford graduate school, 2. I couldn’t afford to keep lying in bed going down the YouTube rabbit hole and concocting ways to end my jaded cynical 22-year-old life and 3. interest on student loans is a muthafucka and was just going to keep going up until I paid that shit off. I also am glad I had this time through my 20s to do things I love, like writing on this blog and just writing a lot in general. I knew as a kid I wanted to be a writer, but I have always done it as a hobby. After college, I wondered if I should pursue music professionally, and even though it was hard to go through all the rejection, disappointment and other complicated emotional experiences of being a classical musician, I had to build character and become a stronger person. What this whole experience has taught me is that resilience and character take time and patience to build. And also, same with self-confidence. It takes patience and hard work to believe in your capabilities and know the value you can bring to relationships, work and other areas of life. I needed time to also develop spiritual strength through practicing Buddhism. Practicing Buddhism helped me develop a strong foundation for my life, and I am still developing that foundation, but I feel a lot happier with myself and more comfortable being my authentic self. When I was pursuing the music career, I felt I had to be this pretentious person who knew everything, but what I have learned over the years is that, well, you’re human and you’re not going to know everything. You’re just not. And learning that has taken me many years and it’s still a lesson I need to internalize.
But long story short, do I need time? Yes, I still need time to live my life and deepen my relationships with people and do stuff that I love to do before I leave this planet for good and go on to my next lifetime.
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