I read this article in a publication I read called Living Buddhism and it talks about using Buddhist practice to overcome loneliness. I really like the article because it reminds me that I’m not alone in my feelings of loneliness and that finding meaningful social interactions is important for my health. I remember reading a book by Vivek Murthy called Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, and I honestly didn’t know I would need to read this book until I started grappling with my own loneliness these past few years. Even before many of us went into quarantine in 2020, I was battling many bouts of loneliness. Most of my life I have been pretty proud of my introverted nature. As a kid I loved sitting alone, and time out time was great for me because I loved reading my books in time out, so it rarely if ever felt like punishment. But I think along the way, I received these social cues from my peers and teachers that sent the message that somehow being alone wasn’t a good thing, and so I started to think that being an introvert was a character flaw rather than just something that was part of my personality. Thankfully I had the support of my Buddhist community and my family to remind me to be true to myself, and that I could still grow and flourish in life even as an introvert. In college I struggled a lot with loneliness, even when I was active in extracurriculars and was taking all these classes. When I first got to college I was so excited to meet lots of people, but I think I burned out after a while and after a while my friends would send me invitations to go out and I would ignore their text messages and eat by myself. At first I was fine eating by myself, but by junior year I had developed some pretty serious symptoms of depression, and I ended up withdrawing into my shell. I had moved into a new dormitory that year and was excited to get my own dorm room, but I ended up going through this daily cycle where I would go to class, go to my music practice, then I would go into my dorm room and not come out. It got to the point where I wasn’t even really comfortable going into crowded dining halls because I just got so anxious, and I would often isolate myself instead of talking to my housemates. There were a few people in the dorm I interacted with that were pretty welcoming, but other than that I just felt this intense sense of isolation. Even though there were plenty of people to talk to, I just felt disconnected from everyone. This led to me struggling with some pretty serious mental health issues to the point where I could no longer just keep all my pain and suffering in, and so I finally had to see someone. But once again, I felt like this was something I needed to deal with on my own so I stopped actively seeking professional help. Not the smartest decision, let me tell you. It was rough. I honestly think practicing Buddhism saved my life at that time because I was just barely making it. There were many days I would sit in class and think, Shit, everyone hates me. Even when I couldn’t read minds, it still felt like everyone hated me even though they probably weren’t thinking about me much at all. I had feelings of worthlessness so deep that when it came time for group discussions, I honestly felt, No one gives a shit if I’m in the room. Who would want to pair up with someone like me? And so I would leave the classroom and go outside for a while and not come back in until the breakout discussion time was over. I remember one of my friends in the Buddhist community encouraged me to share about my Buddhist practice of chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo with other people. At first I was reluctant because I had to discontinue the Buddhist club I was running on campus since I couldn’t find anyone to be treasurer or president or fill the other positions, so I just shut down and got really hard on myself because I tend to be like that a lot. But I decided to chant about it, and so I ended up doing a final project presentation with another philosophy major (she and I were the only two philosophy majors in the class. It was a class on philosophy and psychology) about the effects of meditation on the brain. Naturally I wanted to share about the Buddhism I practice, so I ended up handing out these golden cards with Nam-myoho-renge-kyo printed on them to each of my classmates, and I shared on the PowerPoint a photo of the actor Orlando Bloom chanting and some information about the Buddhism I grew up practicing. Afterwards my teacher asked for information about Buddhism and so I was able to share a card with her too. Honestly, after I shared Buddhism with my classmates, it totally changed the way I felt about myself and my time in the class. I felt that time that I did have a voice and that I did have something to contribute to the class. This was a huge transformation for me because before that I felt like the most worthless person in the class and was very reluctant to open up to my classmates, but sharing Buddhism helped me feel more comfortable opening up to them and I was able to connect with them in my own unique small way.
Alright, gonna head to bed. Thank you for reading, and wishing everyone observing the Jewish New Year a safe and peaceful holiday.
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