Written on 1/23/21
It all started out with an email I was missing you. You were missing me. We were missing each other When I was around you I felt so free Like I was racing through the sky on Cloud 9 You live in the city of dreams The concrete jungle I remember my visit there in the summer of 2017 It felt like i had taken a fresh breath of air The yellow taxis, the Times Square The green lady statue standing alone in the middle of the sea It was just so free to be me In the big apple city Months passed without word from each other I wanted to give you time But my heart ached and ached With a pain worse than I have ever felt in my life I imagined us having children, being your wife It was a beautiful fantasy of life In my future And it gnawed on me like a 6,000 year old beast Dripping black blood each time it bit into the flesh of my lonely heart With its long ancient yellowed teeth This fantasy savored the delicacy of my emotions Smiled each time it took a savory bite It salted them, sautéed them, enjoyed them in a sweet and sour sauce But we're in a pandemic and i don't want you to get sick Just in case i am asymptomatic I also don't know where you rest on the social distancing rules And yet when i wake up The song of you The paean of my passion for you Plays perpetually in my mind And all time Is gone As i think and think and think of you Finally i can take it no longer I book a ticket To come to see you in the wilderness Of skyscrapers and artist dreams On the flight i call myself stupid For being so in love with you For feeling all these mushy feelings And not being able to understand Why i am just feeling them now After so many years of keeping them buried under the surface The pain of not being with you throbs at me It shakes me Until my head is spinning My travel is a fuck you to new social norms I know i am rebelling against what society wants me to do (e.g. not travel) But my head is filled with you and that's all I can think about My animal instincts take over I wondered whether I could still call myself an asexual After my sexual attraction for you grew and grew until It suddenly and unexpectedly blossomed right before my eyes My love for you is a monster that haunts me in the night It came running for me, snuck under my bed And when i got up to get a midnight snack Of leftover chocolate cake The beast grabbed me And begged me to see you Or else risk becoming its prey forever. 6:00 pm I am leaving JFK airport With my suitcase and cello in hand I pass the brownstones The busy streets The passerby wearing PPE The ambulances racing past with covid patients And my mind races back again to You are stupid Why the fuck are you doing this You could have waited You could have said no You weren't ready for children yet You were too young to know what love is Besides you're asexual You're not supposed to fall in love My mind fights back With all sorts of sassy responses As i watch the riveting rain fall on the window panes Of the taxi. The rain falls like the tears falling from my heart By feelings of homesickness for you I walk up the brownstone Pay the driver I knock on the door You open And i kiss you Wide mouthed Without any common sense or regard for social distancing What the hell am i thinking? i ask myself. I scream this question in my head As you settle into the kiss Lock your lips with mine Your grizzly brown stubble grazes my smooth brown cheek And your tongue plays mind games inside my mouth You lace your right hand around the back of my head And lace your life hand around my waist Your arm settles on the seat of my derriere And your hand navigates its way around the left and right of my ass You sigh with pleasure "This feels good" I feel you tip toe back Tip toe tip toe tip toe Til the lighting gets darker And we now wrestle Like lovesick canines With each other's hair Each other's bodies I feel a gentle tugging of my shirt My hands gently lift your woolen sweater We take turns being gracious to one another Oxytocin breathes a sigh of relief And lets it all hang out like a brickhouse As we enjoy the release of the oxytocin And cling our naked bodies to each other Your body heat a blanket warmer than your woolen sweater Our eyes close Our lips stay locked I feel a sudden painful lump in my throat A lump i cannot swallow It is a boulder lying in my esophagus That won’t budge unless i release all of the emotional pent-up pain i feel At having been gone from you for so long A fresh stream of hot tears falls down my face And my body heaves with the muscle spasms And rise and fall of my lungs As they struggle to breathe Suffocating under the raging river of tears Bitter pain I feel your callused thumb brush away the tears with a whisper You slowly release your lips from mine “It’s ok” I let myself continue to let it all out Eyes blocking out anything but memories of long distance love Thought to have been too little and too late I cannot see you at the moment Because i wrap myself, snuggle in the barbed wire blanket of My pain. The sound of my sobbing silences itself As we bask in the quiet intimacy of our chemistry With one another -I am sorry -for what? -for not getting the signs -What signs -that you loved me -i didn’t want you to love me until you were ready I look away And sit in silence My head lolls My eyes close We fall asleep together Intertwined like two ivy vines On a college tower
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